You're REALLY gonna think I'm nuts now.

[audrey_1]

Haven't seen casual guy in three weeks. He meets me at my apartment, because his GPS can't locate the spot where we were supposed to meet to watch a football game. He drives us in my car. We play video games, have lunch, are having an otherwise good time when I notice he has a hickey on his neck. I wonder if he'll tell me the truth, so I ask him if he's played paintball lately, pointing to his neck. He said he and his cousin went hiking and he fell down. Mmmkay.

 

So I let it go, knowing that if he'd fallen down, he wouldn't have tried covering it up with make-up, and that he lied to me. So I remained silent. I kept sipping my beer and watching the game. A few minutes later, he says he did go camping, but that it was actually a hickey. That they'd only been out on two dates. That if it made me feel any better, she kissed terribly, that I was a much better kisser.

 

So I said there was no reason to lie to me, we're not in a relationship, and that it was not only disrespectful to lie to me but also disrespectful to the girl who gave it to him, as he felt the need to skirt over the fact she was in on it. Bad all around. He looked like a deer in headlights and said he didn't realize it was that noticeable. Trust me, it was noticeable. So when I come back from the bathroom, he tells me he hopes I'll still be friends with him, asks me if I want him to take me to my apartment and leave, and I say why? I was planning on going dutch, but figured everything could be on him at that point.

 

So our team loses. We use the rest of our tokens and decide to leave. We go smoke a cigar at a cigar shop and talk about where we are. We admit we're both commitment-phobic, and I say I have been trying to respect his boundaries, but that I'm kinda sick of it. Why can he get hickeys from this other chick and not give me a kiss? The last time was when he followed me out to my car and stuck his head in, asking me if he could kiss me on the cheek, which I mentioned to him. He said he was trying to make me happy.

 

I told him it was confusing. I'd been trying to respect his boundary, then he crosses it, but only gives me a kernel, not what I want to be satisfied. It was insulting. He takes responsibility. He says that the kind of conversation we're having is unlike any conversation he's ever had with a woman. He says he cares for me, and he doesn't want to lead me on then hurt me.

 

We get run out of the cigar shop, because it's closing. We get back to my apartment. He is about to leave; I say bye and start to walk away. He asks for a hug. I'm like why???? He gets ill and says, why does this have to be awkward? I say, it's YOU who is making it awkward. I'm sick of bending backwards for your boundaries and not getting anything in return. It's like we're 12 years old. We can talk about this inside or you can go. He comes inside.

 

So I sit down in the floor, and he sits on the couch. I tell him that I have always run from serious relationships, and I know that he has, too. I tell him that what I feel for him is unconditional, but that I will let him go if I need to. When I get moved, I will begin dating other people, that I haven't lately because I don't want to become attached to people here anymore. He again tells me he's only seen this girl on two dates. He tells me he doesn't want to hurt me, because he knows he runs. He really looks very sad. We both look like we're going to cry. It was intense, but we didn't. I told him it could be that I hurt him, and he said he'd thought about that. What if we were in a relationship, and I was the one who left him. That surprised me.

 

So, I tell him I'll be okay if I get small needs met. I want kisses. I want affection. I know we see each other as more than friends. Our attraction is palpable.

 

So it's getting dark, and he says he needs to get back. I say okay and stand up. I stand next to the bar and prop my elbow on it. He walks over and sticks his lips out. I laugh. He says he doesn't know whether to put his arms around my waist, or what to do. I tell him I'm tired of leading, he needs to figure it out. So he kisses me. It was very, very nice.

 

He asks me to walk him out. I walk behind him to the door. He turns around and kisses me again. He cups his hands around my face, which he has never done before. We kissed long and hard, then he turns and pushes me up against the door, pushes my hands above my head, and kisses me like a champ!

 

Then he backs me into the corner, still kissing me, and I feel the mother of all hard on's on my leg. Wow. Then we stop. And I open the door. And he's gone. I texted him to come back. I wanted him so bad. He said he couldn't stay, that we have a unique relationship, and he wouldn't feel right staying. We have to figure it out.

 

I called him, and we talked for an hour. He told me why he and his ex broke up, and we talked about how we can make our relationship work for us. If we're to be FWB or what we can do to fight our urge to run. We're still not sure. No conclusions. We agreed this is uncharted territory for both of us. He said he's only been with 3 women in the past 5 years. He's not a manwhore. His words. He knows that I love him, and he knows that I'm at the age where my hormones are at their peak. And he said he will still respect me if I make the decision to sleep with him without strings.

 

Sorry for the length of this post. It was a f-ed up day. I know you're all going to think I'm insane for STILL having anything to do with this guy. *sigh*

 

Let me have it.