They want a woman badly and chase after her, but once they get her they really don't

[pinkroses]

What is it about men, that they want a woman badly and chase after her, but once they get her they really don't want her? Once she starts to care, they act like they are being smothered, and distance themselves?? That thoroughly confuses me, and I've seen/heard it over and over. What is going on in the male brain???

[yes]

as far as i get it, it's because men are "conquerors" - their biological instinct is to spread their genes as widely as possible. So, once he feels he has spread them your way, his attention turns to other ways of spreading.

 

Solution: never let a man feel he has "conquered" you, that you're all his. Make him feel that this very moment, you're fully with him, but what's going to happen in the next moment is unknown.

 

much easier said than done though!

 

-yes

[swenson43]

this might not make sense at all, but I have been guilty of doing this a few times in my life. the times it has happened to me is if I am sexually attracted to a girl i don't really know at all. after a while when, and if a relationship starts, the emotional/personal attraction doesn't develope like I thought were going to be there, i begin to lose interest since it turned out to be something. i have learned over time that i won't start a relationship with a girl if i don't develope something more than just a physical attraction. its not fair to her, since in a way it is leading someone on who might have genuine feelings for you. i hope it makes some sense, and helps.....

[stewh]

I have to say I think that these people you are unfortunately meeting and hearing about are idiots to be polite about them. I have never done this so can't speak from experience because the girl I chased when I was 17 I loved completely - even more so once the chasing finished and a relationship formed - and we were together for 9 years until recently when she moved on shall we say. Not all blokes are made of rock and have stone for brains and iron ore for hearts. You have just been one of many unfortunate victims of the idiots out there. Maybe you should look at the type of bloke you are looking for and make a few adjustments on his criteria. Go for an ugly bloke for a change maybe he will treat you better than you have ever been treated before. Just ask him kindly to put a bag over his head whilst you make out lol

[Tony T]

This happens quite often, actually. It's like the dog that chases the car down the block. Once the car stops at the corner and the dog catches up to it, the animal has no idea what it wants to do with the car and retreats. Many men are the same way. Once they have gotten their prey, the put their trophy on the mantle and go back to watching football on TV, not knowing exactly what to do from that point. That's just the way it happens sometimes. This whole romance thing is still evolving. Men are still learning what role they must play beyond providing sperm. In the timeline of creation, only the last minute or so contains marriage and the family unit as we know it today. It's really sad but humanity is still a work in progress and learning to deal with all its imperfections is an art each person must strive to perfect.

[Curt]

Recommend Tony's post as a possible Classic?

 

Thoughts anyone?

[InDoubt]

I'm sure we've all come across people like that.... As Tony says, there are many people who are simply out for the chase. No matter what you do or don't do will make them change the way they are. But there is also the type of guy who is just very gun-shy. You say they start complaining they feel smothered and trapped. This could be just an excuse but it may also be how they really feel, i.e., they have low tolerance for "attachment" and "commitment". These things can be really scary for men (and women in many cases)...

 

May I suggest an incredibly helpful book to deal with men like that. I think it's called Why men love bitches (bitches, not in the derogatory sense, but street-wise). It basically describes why the 'nice girl' ends last. Why a woman should take a detached attitude towards the guy, until he proves to her he's well worth her time and energy. It's not about playing a game, it's about making changes in your attitude and pacing your relationships the way you want. I think I learned from painful experience many of the things she says. I would go into a new relationship thinking the best of everyone and bringing my guard down, apparently, too soon. My tendency was to 'give' (emotionally, practically...) and I had serious trouble 'asking', and that's when the gun-shy guy senses attachment and starts running.

Hope that helped a bit

[Curt]

Why a woman should take a detached attitude towards the guy, until he proves to her he's well worth her time and energy. It's not about playing a game, it's about making changes in your attitude and pacing your relationships the way you want.

 

What is that quote...

 

"That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet"

 

A pile of rubbish follows the same rule.

 

Just my opinion, folks.

 

Curt

[InDoubt]

Each one has their own opinions, I grant you that Curt. But My opinion is that

 

-changing your attitude so that you can assert yourself and your needs in a relationship is not a game.

 

-Changing your attitude so that you don't go into a relationship having high hopes about the other person and getting hurt is not a game.

 

-Not giving in to a guy's sexual advances when you are not ready is not a game.

 

-Learning to deal with your insecurities so that you don't seek validation from a guy, is not a game

 

- Finding for yourself some really cool interests and surrounding yourself with some good friends so that you don't feel dependent on the guy for all your needs, is not a game.

 

You want me to go on?

 

These are not part of a game. These are things that any human being should be able to do for themselves in order to be complete - with or without a guy in the whole picture!

[Tony T]

InDoubt makes some great points. Relationships, however, will never be an exact science. When you're dealing with fallible human beings from a variety of family and educational backgrounds and with varying agendas involved in emotionally charged situations with the opposite sex, there simply isn't a way of translating the process into a set of rules. It just won't happen. Some play games, some don't. Some really great people play games sometimes. Some slimebags play it pretty straight up with some people, not with others. I think rocket science is much easier.

[yes]

i'm going to check out that book tomorrow.

 

the attitude has to be well-placed though. many shy guys will be afraid to approach you if you seem to have an attitude - so i guess it's ideal to be nice as usual, and simply stand up for yourself when necessary.

 

-yes

[Metallitrek]

Hey a guy here. I am just as perplexed as why guys do that. It guys like that that ruin for guys like me who have a hard enough time meeting women. I would say that the chase is over and the thrill is gone so the situation settles down and the committment factor comes in. I have seen it many times with many of my friends in tha past. I say why are you messing this up? I would kill just for the chance to be with a woman I really liked and if I caught her, there is zero chance of me trying to weasel out of it. I say some guys are just stupid, others are ignorant, and others know they can get any woman out there because they have the talent and thus they abuse it. BUt, there are still some guys out there who do committ themselves after catching a woman. I know I am. Now the only problem is actually getting a woman.

[Clancy]

It's happenned to me where I've been really crazy for a woman at some point or another and then once I'd gotten her I found I didn't want her anymore. I've thought about why that is and I think I know. In analyzing the times where that's happenned I recall that I typically had a big crush on the woman at the time and that I idealized her in my mind to the point where she was perfect.

 

Once I got to know her my idealized bubble was burst. She wasn't perfect of course, not that that should have mattered but it did. It usually got me to noticing commonplace human things about her that didn't mirror the beautiful, perfect fantasy I had concoted of her. So, I ended up wanting to extricate myself from the relationship as soon as possible.

 

I know I was wrong and immature in the way I interacted with these ladies but that's the way it is for me. Not always of course, but I know that it has happenned.