Why doesn't my husband say that he wants to spend time with me

[armywife915]

My husband has a job where he goes away a lot. I hate it and he loves it. I deal with it though and just make it known that I miss him. He says he misses me too. Today he said his boss asked him to go overseas for a year for a large chunk of money. I asked him what he said and his reply was the same as always..."You won't want me gone that long."

 

WHY can't he say that he doesn't want to leave me that long? That is all I want to hear. I feel like he is putting money before me because he always says..."Well, we will have less debt, etc." I just get so upset because I feel like for any amount of money he would leave for however long just so it made us financially stable. We have been fine with money though that's what I don't get. Anybody know how I can make him see how much it hurts because everytime I bring it up he just gets mad.

 

We have only been married a year and I love him more than anything.

[quankanne]

because to a man, being able to provide for the ones he loves takes precedent. And his speech will reflect that, even though he's not in anyway trying to say he loves you less than money.

 

hon, I know you're looking for answers here, but the only thing I can suggest is that because this bothers you so much, you really, really need to be talking to him and have him explain to you what he means when he answers the way he does. Sometimes you've just got to go into a conversation he may not want to have so that things are clear for both you AND him – lord knows I do this with my husband, and sometimes have to explain to him that I don't care for how he says certain things, and that he needs to be clearer or present it in a way so that I don't get the opposite message of what he's trying to give!

 

in the meantime, take advantage of any marriage enrichment programs the service or the local church has to offer so that the two of you get the proper tools you need to communicate better. Otherwise you're going to be miserable about every dang thing that comes out of his mouth and he's going to be offended by that to a point where he just gets mad, instead of trying to talk it through.

[armywife915]

I know I have to talk to him but he works crazy hours and that is very hard to do sometimes. Plus, it almost always results in a fight but I guess it owuld be worth it for him to understand how I feel. I am going to get us a book I found called Love & Respect which talks about a woman's need to feel loved and a man's need for respect. I think it willhelp us both.

[jmargel]

If you think you're gonna change him because you married him, think again. He's a free spirit. He's a roamer. He likes adventure and travel. If he stays home he'll resent you. Either learn to embrace and go with him or move on and find someone that is your type.

[armywife915]

I can't go with him I have to work or I would and we wouldn't be having this trouble. It's just not that simple. I am not trying to change him I am just trying to make him understand how I feel when he words things a certain way. I don't think there is harm in that.

[quankanne]

He's a free spirit. He's a roamer. He likes adventure and travel. If he stays home he'll resent you.

 

only until he retires his wanderlust, my husband was like that for about the first half of our marriage. You've got to get used to it if you're serious about sticking with a partner like that. The upshot is that vacations can be really fun because they're out of the ordinary!!!

 

but yeah, you kids need to sharpen your communication skills, and it might seem harder for him to do because guys tend to not like change or the thought that their approach is wrong. AW, just tell him that this is for the both of you, not because you want to prove him wrong or p-whip him. The book you named sounds like a great place to start; from what I've read from other 'shackers, the marriage builders website is an awesome tool as well.

 

be patient, and don't give up. You've got what you want within your reach!

[mrsT]

Boy, I totally disagree here. I believe it's possible your husband is a very responsible man and he is just thinking of providing for you. Those words he says, you need to understand what they mean to him.

[armywife915]

I know that he is only thinking for our future but I know life is cut short so many times so that is why I do not want him going. He is not going and I know he wants to be with me it just hurts when I am the one that is blamed but I guess it shouldn't matter. No, I do not want to be away from him so if he needs to blame me then that is fine. We will work through it we always do.

[Ronni_W]

it just hurts when I am the one that is blamed but I guess it shouldn't matter.

You are right. There is the risk that he will some day turn around with some version of, "You always got what you wanted, and you caused my career to not be as successful as it should have been."

 

That does matter to your mind and to your heart.

 

Perhaps you can discuss it with him from that perspective - "I don't want to set-up myself to be the 'fall guy/scapegoat', and I am concerned that maybe WE are unconsciously doing exactly that."

 

After that, it is also about assigning HIS meaning to his words and, when you are unsure, to ask him directly..."Can I just check that I'm understanding you correctly?"-type of thing.

Or, "When you said ____, I heard _____. Is that an accurate rephrasing of what you meant?" (And most importantly, to accept what HE says he meant, and not continue to just apply your own initial (wrong) interpretation.)