simple question...

[HopeDiesLast]

....may even be stupid simple.

Can you make someone see a second chance would be worth it?

Speaking from the postion of the dumpee, not the dumper.

[BCCA]

You cant make anyone do anything. And honestly, if both of you arent commited to making things better, they wont be. All you can do is let them realize on their own, and act accordingly.

[HopeDiesLast]

i figured that was my answer. i thought walking away was my best option. i just want him to know how worth it i feel this is. but if he doesnt feel that way....you cant force it, correct?

[Ingenue]

Hope, you can't force anyone to do anything. As much as dumpees hope dumpers will come upon the conclusion that dumping the person was the biggest regret of their lives, that type of conclusion cannot be coerced. It is a decision that individuals come by after experiencing the dating world or having another failed relationship or doing some introspection.

 

A second chance can only be worth it if both parties see it as meaningful. Typically, that isn't the case.

[audrey_1]

i figured that was my answer. i thought walking away was my best option. i just want him to know how worth it i feel this is. but if he doesnt feel that way....you cant force it, correct?

 

Correct, and you shouldn't. Force is bad. Why would you want someone you have to force to be with you?

[HopeDiesLast]

Correct, and you shouldn't. Force is bad. Why would you want someone you have to force to be with you?

 

I wouldnt audrey, you're right. I just know how much love was still there. i felt the connection. i just wish it would dawn on him. wishful thinking thats all.

i guess only time can tell. maybe ill be better off without him. maybe he will figure things out. who knows.

im feeling desperate today. id rather post and feel desperate here than take another blow to the ego by calling him.

[audrey_1]

I wouldnt audrey, you're right. I just know how much love was still there. i felt the connection. i just wish it would dawn on him. wishful thinking thats all.

i guess only time can tell. maybe ill be better off without him. maybe he will figure things out. who knows.

im feeling desperate today. id rather post and feel desperate here than take another blow to the ego by calling him.

 

Oh, I completely understand this. And yes, time will tell. In the meantime, keep your time occupied with things that benefit you: healthy eating, taking care of your body (which helps take care of your mind), spending times with friends, and whatever else.

 

I know it sounds simple and cliche, but it does help. You can't sit and dwell on something that brings you down and you're powerless to change.

 

My threads are always on the same situation; LS is great for venting, but at the same time, I'm heeding my own advice from above. We have to take care of ourselves. Allow yourself to feel, but be good to yourself above all.

[HopeDiesLast]

Its so true....its get better, even a tiny bit at a time. I've joined a yoga center, i go out more. I spend time with friends, see a therapist.

And I've let him know where i stand. Ive felt ive done all i could besides beg and plead- and ill NEVER do that. I just want him to know i wont give up on us.

Love sucks sometimes. Love that was so wonderful just turns into hell.

[BCCA]

Its so true....its get better, even a tiny bit at a time. I've joined a yoga center, i go out more. I spend time with friends, see a therapist.

And I've let him know where i stand. Ive felt ive done all i could besides beg and plead- and ill NEVER do that. I just want him to know i wont give up on us.

Love sucks sometimes. Love that was so wonderful just turns into hell.

 

You made your case, he knows where you stand. Even if you dont give up completely overnight, you have to give up on letting this bother you. You wanted to work it out, he didnt. Sounds like my story as well, which I'm also trying to not give up on. My problem is that I'll let my ex know how I feel and what I see for us, she'll sound upbeat about it, and then I dont hear from her.

 

Who cares about them anymore. We're good people and we deserve better, FAR better. I'm not going to spend another second worrying about what my ex thinks/wants. She knows where to find me if she needs to talk. Chances are, she wont, and Im cool with that. Still hurts really bad, but I've done all I could.

[Ocean-Blue]

....may even be stupid simple.

Can you make someone see a second chance would be worth it?

Speaking from the postion of the dumpee, not the dumper.

 

From my experience, you can't make someone give you a second chance.

 

My ex begged for us to give it another shot. He wanted me to give him at least a few weeks to "show me" how much he loved me and that we were meant to be a couple. My heart just wasn't in the relationship (which is why I left him in the first place) - nothing he could say could've changed my mind.

 

However, our case might be different from yours. If your ex ended the relationship because of some perceived, tangible fault on your end (i.e. you have a substance abuse problem, you are prone to jealousy, etc), then perhaps it is workable (if you sincerely want to change) - but this will be a tough sell. If he left you just because he wasn't feelin' it (as was my case), there's not much you can say or do.

[HopeDiesLast]

Yeah you guys are both right. i guess i just dont know how the feelings go away like that? its puzzling.

[BCCA]

I think someone kind of hinted on it before, but his feelings probably didnt change in an instant, he was probably checking out weeks before he ended it. By that time, he had already emotionally removed himself from the relationship and was probably just working up the nerve to pull the trigger on the break. If it felt like he was starting fights, acting distant, etc...thats probably why.

 

I told someone else this before, but sometimes you just dont get that second chance. I've had an ex call me a while after the breakup and say they made a mistake, and I've had another where the last time I heard from her was when she dumped me. You just never know. It does take time to realize you made a mistake, but realizing it doesnt even always make them reach out. Keep in mind he's probably told his friends and family all the reasons you two werent good together, so he would have to eat some crow from everyone before he could even consider coming back. That alone can be enough to keep him away.

 

Its not fair, and it just never will be. There is no easy way to get over it, it completely sucks and changes your whole life in an instant. But you do have a choice to be happy, and you deserve that.

[EmperorR]

its weird yesterday I was down in the pitts

 

today? i feel good for the first time in a while, i honestly dont care if i get a second chance anymore.

 

And ya im sure people realize their mistakes, in like a next relationship when htey realize they can't get away with everything they couldn't in the prior, but alot don't ant to call and admit it, pride cometh before fall

[HopeDiesLast]

Thats my fear i guess...pride comes first. He may just not have those feelings again ever. He may think its easier to move on. All of that. His rebound relationship is done already. Which just got me thinking today, ya know?

Emperor- yeah im the same way- yesterday i was great. today sucks. tomorrow....who knows?!

[Ingenue]

Hope, I'm the same way today as you. Yesterday night was brutal after a rather unexpected teary spell. Today was craptacular as I was thinking of my ex all day. I feel so ashamed in some ways that I continue to grieve over this relationship despite the fact that he dumped me. Strange that I can't stop loving this man despite all of these things.

 

Tomorrow will be a better day

[Intergalactic]

honestly, i think the best thing you can do to get the "second chance" you want is to just leave it for the moment (including the friendship). let him/her do his/her own thing, you do your own thing. it NEVER has to be forever, so when you are making the decision to walk away right now, you shouldn't feel like it's going to be for the rest of your life. i really believe that with time and personal growth, both parties can feel that connection again. but if you're always there, always letting him know you're "not giving up", he's not going to have the chance to be on his own and achieve that growth - and neither are you.

just try to let it go for the moment. i'm in the same boat as you. i don't want to give up the fight, and part of me isn't, but i've also forced myself into a position where i am letting him go, and i am working on my own issues and looking out for myself. i don't want to talk to him and i've asked him not to talk to me, but i've let him know that it's what i want RIGHT NOW, not forever. i want to get to a position where we can get to know each other again and if it works, it works, but if it doesnt then that will be okay too. i know that if i just kept hanging around, making things stressful and awkward for him, then my chances of getting that "second chance" are diminished.

[HopeDiesLast]

honestly, i think the best thing you can do to get the "second chance" you want is to just leave it for the moment (including the friendship). let him/her do his/her own thing, you do your own thing. it NEVER has to be forever, so when you are making the decision to walk away right now, you shouldn't feel like it's going to be for the rest of your life. i really believe that with time and personal growth, both parties can feel that connection again. but if you're always there, always letting him know you're "not giving up", he's not going to have the chance to be on his own and achieve that growth - and neither are you.

just try to let it go for the moment. i'm in the same boat as you. i don't want to give up the fight, and part of me isn't, but i've also forced myself into a position where i am letting him go, and i am working on my own issues and looking out for myself. i don't want to talk to him and i've asked him not to talk to me, but i've let him know that it's what i want RIGHT NOW, not forever. i want to get to a position where we can get to know each other again and if it works, it works, but if it doesnt then that will be okay too. i know that if i just kept hanging around, making things stressful and awkward for him, then my chances of getting that "second chance" are diminished.

 

Thanks intergalactic. You basically spelled it out for me. Thats what i was thinking too. i know it sounds crazy to alot of people, and maybe it is, but i just have so much faith in him and i. maybe we need time apart to do our own thing. Maybe im just crazy because his dad never gave up on his mom even after he proposed twice and got 2 no's....the third time worked and theyve been married for 30 yrs.

 

i dunno....wishful thinking. i guess all any of us can do is to live for now, and whatever life brings us next....be ok with it.

 

Ingenue- i hope today is better for you. Hes always on my mind....but today will be better for me hopefully.

[HopeDiesLast]

today sucks. i feel like i need to take some action. i feel like i'm not even a blip on his radar. i wonder about him all day....does he think of me? does he think this over now that the rebounds done?

 

there will be a big party saturday for his sister's 30th birthday. he made it a point to say hes going as her date the last time we spoke. i cant believe i wont be there. i wonder about his family. i miss them all.

 

this f'ing sucks. big time.

[HopeDiesLast]

Cam someone remind me im doing the right thing by not bothering him? letting him mull it over....maybe giving space?

 

i feel so damn hopeless. its been 3.5 months. does this ever end????????

[Mino]

Cam someone remind me im doing the right thing by not bothering him? letting him mull it over....maybe giving space?

 

i feel so damn hopeless. its been 3.5 months. does this ever end????????

Just thinking, maybe you should go out on a date. Have you even thought about that? Just to get your mind off of him.

[Ingenue]

Cam someone remind me im doing the right thing by not bothering him? letting him mull it over....maybe giving space?

 

i feel so damn hopeless. its been 3.5 months. does this ever end????????

 

Hope, you are doing the right thing. There are no guarantees that the period of separation will yield desired outcomes, but the benefits of taking time for yourself to heal are numerous. You'll become stronger, more independent and most of all, you'll become you again.

 

Let him find his own way, whatever way that will be.

 

PS - I'm about the same as yesterday, miserable. Blah

[Intergalactic]

you are doing the right thing. you need to look out for you, and positioning yourself around HIM isn't going to make things better for you. it's very very hard, i know because i gave in today and talked to my ex. but after hearing what he had to say - which was nice, that he misses me a LOT but that i need to keep not talking to him because i need to "fall out of love" with him since he's not ready for relationships and isn't sure how he feels about me anymore and those facts hurts me too much right now to be able to talk to him and keep it stress free between us - has shown me that it's true, i do need to keep on with the ol' NC and just keep chugging along. i know, i know in my heart, that as hard as this is right now, it won't be forever, and that the only chance i have of ever being with him again is to let him go, live for myself, become happy with myself and achieve my own personal growth, and let distance and time renew our relationship and friendship. then, and only then, can we truly rebuild something between us - and if we don't, it won't devastate me.

 

p.s., i feel miserable at times too, and i feel the sense of hope i have for us kills me because it's false. i don't care though, at the end of the day. i'm doing all i can to "release" from this, and hopefully one day things can be repaired between us. if not, i'll be strong enough to deal with it.

[HopeDiesLast]

thanks Ingenue and Intergalactic. You guys really help just by your short comments. Its nice sometimes to just know someone is out there feeling and thinking similarly. I have to let this go. Its making me in insane. I cannot live with these thoughts anymore. its just too much for me physically and mentally.

 

I know the distance is my only chance. I know there are no guarantees, but the more i think about it, the more i seem to think we both just need to get to our own places, by ourselves and if its meant to be later, then it will be. Its so hard. And so horrible to have to go through this. Even when it happened, i knew this was gonna be hell on earth and i just dont enjoy feeling so sh***y.

 

I guess you guys are both right....distance will either help US or help ME....either way, helping me. And i just have to be okay with whatever outcome happens. My poor therapist....shes gonna have her hands full with me today.

[Deegee]

Do you know what helped me?!

I just got so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got tired of wondering if he felt the same things, and wracking my brains to find some kind of answer as to why he just bailed on me.(after 3 years).

And I finally came to the conclusion that there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do to change things.

I mean I truly believe that this is the man that is meant for me, just not right now.

HE obviously has issues that has nothing to do with me, and I love him enough to let him go, and find his way. I know that there's a risk that the outcome might not be what I want, but by the same token, HE might decide that I am the person that is meant for him, what if I decide (at that time) that I don't want him back?!

Who know's?!

My point being, I am tired of waiting for something that might not EVER happen, I've given too much time and power to someone that does not deserve this of me. PERIOD

Don't get me wrong, I still have periods of lonliness, and crying, and at times it's really hard. But I have to have peace about my life, and the decisions and choices that I've made for myself. It is no longer about HIM, it is and has ALWAYS been about me.

If you don't make peace with who you are (right now), and take this time to take care of yourself, you run the risk of repeating this again. AND that would be tragic.

[HopeDiesLast]

Thanks Deegee....you're totally right. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. something has to change. i have to start focusing on me. I believe the same things you do.Thank you so much for your kind words.