simple question...

[Intergalactic]

The thing is, while my ex was only doing what was best for her, it really hurt my feelings and she wasn't very compassionate about it afterward. She's never called once to see how I'm doing. I don't care what she's doing for herself, that hurt ME! So, I wouldn't say she's the worst person in the world, but anyone who calls someone in the middle of the day at work and dumps them is a s**thead in my book. If that's unfair of me, so be it.

 

no, i agree. that is a truly ****ed up thing to do. your ex IS a bitch, and deserves not to hear from you ever again.

i was just putting forth a scenario, from my point of view, because not all relationships end with heartlessness from the dumper.

it sucks because i feel that if someone is going to be in a relationship to begin with, they should be mature enough to end it in a way that doesn't make someone they once (and maybe still do) care(d) about feel like ****.

[HopeDiesLast]

thats the sad part intergalactic. my ex did it in a mature way. face to face....but it was still this whole vague, i dont know, maybe, BS. when i just wanted a straight answer. I dont know if its that he really needs to figure himself out and what he wants....or if this is his decision.

for my own peace of mind im going with this is his decision. and god does it hurt.

 

i dont think hes a bad person for doing what he needs to do. i dont at all. bc if i were in his shoes, i woulda done the same thing. it just hurts me bc i was so blindsided. i didnt think the problems were unfixable or THAT bad that this was the conclusion.

 

I just wish i could get some damn explaination of what was so freaking bad....what was so different. what was it that would annoy you? i mean, i know no answer is gonna satisfy me bc id want to come up with a solution to fix it. and the truth is that it shouldnt have to be that much work to fix....but i cant help but wonder if our timing is off right now. if were just in two different places at the moment and later in life we may be able to try again.

 

am i delusional? i just miss him.

[Karma101]

There will never be an answer that will really satisfy you. I had the best break up I could ever ask for w/ my xBF. We talked for hours, face-to-face and have had numerous conversations since. It doesn't make it a bit easier, though I am thankful for that closure. I know why we broke up, and in my head, he is doing the right thing. My heart, however, is sloooooooow to follow, and that's what's guiding us during this time of heartache.

 

Sounds like you may be having a bad day. Me too. (((hugs))) Here's to hoping it will get better...

[Ingenue]

it sucks because i feel that if someone is going to be in a relationship to begin with, they should be mature enough to end it in a way that doesn't make someone they once (and maybe still do) care(d) about feel like ****.

 

It's too bad that you cannot predict the maturity level of the dumper prior to getting involved in a relationship. It would certainly be a good predictor of maturity. There should be some unspoken rule that if you've dated for x number of years, you must break up face to face or as face to face as you can muster. I'm just rambling and bitter since my ex of 5 years dumped me by email.

[HopeDiesLast]

There will never be an answer that will really satisfy you. I had the best break up I could ever ask for w/ my xBF. We talked for hours, face-to-face and have had numerous conversations since. It doesn't make it a bit easier, though I am thankful for that closure. I know why we broke up, and in my head, he is doing the right thing. My heart, however, is sloooooooow to follow, and that's what's guiding us during this time of heartache.

 

Sounds like you may be having a bad day. Me too. (((hugs))) Here's to hoping it will get better...

 

thank you Karma. today is a really bad day and its only 10am. my grandfather is in the ICU at the hospital....i dont know what to be upset with first. If i should tell the ex....id wanna know. im sure he wants to know. i just dont wanna break nc and hurt myself on top of all this. i hope nothing bad happens to my grandfather, but im afraid it may.

[HopeDiesLast]

It's too bad that you cannot predict the maturity level of the dumper prior to getting involved in a relationship. It would certainly be a good predictor of maturity. There should be some unspoken rule that if you've dated for x number of years, you must break up face to face or as face to face as you can muster. I'm just rambling and bitter since my ex of 5 years dumped me by email.

 

Ingenue....I had a friend who just got dumped my by email....for the 2nd time after 4 yrs together. and they live together! he emailed her from home and she was at work checking her email...imagine if she hadnt?! people have some serious audacity. it was a sh*tty thing for your ex to do that....immature is not the word.

 

were gonna be ok. gotta keep reaching for that goal---for us to be ok.

[Karma101]

Sorry to hear about your Grandfather. I will keep you both in my prayers. If you think it would make you feel better to contact the X about the situation, do so. This is a difficult and emotional time. Let me just share this w/ you, and it by no means is the same situation as you are going through w/ a sick relative.

 

Sunday was the 7 yr anniversary of my Father's death. He died from complications secondary to diabetes. On Tuesday, my cat was diagnosed w/ diabetes, and I realized that I totally forgot about Sunday, and forgot to call my Grandmother. I had a meltdown and instinctively contacted my X. He said all the right things. He was beyond supportive and made me feel much better, and I know he was happy to do so. He even contacted me yesterday to see how I was doing. But it does not change our situation. He is not my BF anymore. I can't keep running to him in times of crisis. At some point, we need to stand on our own 2 feet again...alone. For now anyway. As much as it sucks.

[HopeDiesLast]

I know what you mean Karma...its so hard. In April we thought he was going to pass....and i was afraid it was going to happen while the X and i were on a cruise. I was terrified. I dont even know what the hell i expect him to do or say...i just thought that he'd wanna know. and i know hes no longer my bf....but he was a big part of my life and my family for so long. i dont know. i dont know what to think or do. on top of all the emotion before....now this. it really is a sh*tty day.

[Karma101]

Let him know what's going on w/ your Grandfather. And keep us posted. PM me if you need to talk or get this out. I know how hard it is. I know it comes to a point when you still need to talk, but all of your family and friends have heard the story over and over again. I'm in the same boat.

[RogueAC]

HDL, I am had some thoughts to post about your original question but it sounds like some hard things are happening in your family life so I will save those for later (unless you want them now). I will keep you and your Grandfather in my thoughts.

 

I know you miss your ex and it is hard enough to cope right now without all of this other life stuff getting in the way. If you need to talk, we’ll listen and hopefully when you have contact with us you won’t feel confused or neglected. If you think you will feel positive and better after speaking with your ex, talk to him and tell him what is happening, but contact him if that is what you want and need, not because you think he would want. And remember when contacting him that you might not get the support that you need right now.

 

I am sorry that you are having such a hard day.

i have to just let it work itself out. let life happen as it will. be ok with whatever happens next....and have faith that life is happening as it should.

 

You wrote this about your relationship but I think it also applies today. Stay strong and positive.

[Ingenue]

Hope,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. I'm sending well wishes and positive thoughts your way. *hugs*

 

And you're right, we're absolutely going to be okay. Yesterday was miserable, but today feels better

[HopeDiesLast]

Thank you guys for all your support and prayers. Hes a strong guy my gramps, so hopefully he'll get through this. but at his age...whatever is better for him, ya know?

 

Rogue Id like to hear your advice on the original question too. I guess i know along the lines of what its going to be....its just like everyday i have to reconvince myself. This has been such a great thread tho....i keep rereading it to help me through. I hope other people do too!

[RogueAC]

Reading this thread has helped me today too...

 

Have you thought lately about what you want out of partner and relationship? It is so easy to focus on went wrong and what we could have happened differently that we forget what really happened. I find that thinking about things that the ex did that I don’t want helps remind me what I do want. I hope that I am not overly assuming but,

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t contact you for months?

 

Do you want to be with someone who consistently chooses partying and a “college-mode”?

 

Do you want to be with someone who is vague and cannot communicate his feelings in a way that allows you to feel supported, appreciated and loved?

 

Do you want to be with someone is unmotivated, someone who lacks direction and purpose?

 

Do you want to be with someone who made a choice to walk away?

I hope the answer to all of those questions is NO WAY! It is so easy to focus on the potential of a person and let those thoughts cloud our reality, especially if you are hopeful and optimistic by nature. I do this too. You have to remember that you are worth more than this. You deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who can recognize how special you are and will fight like hell to work out the difficulties and problems, together. I am trying to redirect my hope and optimism in to positive relationships in general. It has helped some.

 

Letting go of a relationship and moving on doesn’t mean that you didn’t love the other person or that you are “giving up.” It means that you are actively making choices to be happy and healthy. Based on some of your other posts, you write that things happen with purpose. So that means, as painful as it is, that this break up also happened with purpose. If are open, you will learn and grown emotionally because of this experience. Isn’t there some line about the most painful experiences teaching us the most? I know it hurts and I know you miss your ex but you will get through this. Things will get better and you will be stronger in the present and the future.

[RogueAC]

And with advice about second chances I don’t have much more to add. There are some pretty bright LS users out there already.

 

My previous ex (from about 3 years ago) involved both people working and trying and investing so much energy into making the relationship work. I thought he was THE ONE (and everyone in my life told me he was the one) but life kept getting in the way. We gave each other a second chance because underlying any problems there was a tremendous amount of love. For many years we were not willing to ‘give up on the other’ but in the end, the relationship just wasn’t meant to be. We are both happier today because we were finally able to let go of each other. [Ha! I wish I could feel even little bits of this for/about my current ex!]

 

Sometimes a second chance works and sometimes, even when you get the second chance and both of you really work at it, it still doesn’t work.

 

Stay hopeful about everything good in your life and everything good that will be in your life not just about a relationship.

 

***hugs to you***

[Sysyphus28]

I'm from NY to Hope.............the season change will change alot perspective for you. It always does for me. I am in N Carolina now, and the ex lives 15 min down the street. When we moved from Ny together thier were so many big dreams..........I had to let these go too. I had to let go of the dream, the girl, etc. Now it is me in a strange town.........with some new friends..... Letting go is painful as hell, but I need to do it totally, and so do you. Thier is no half-ass No Contact....Or maybe a letter a week.....or remember that song...let me put it on a mix cd for her/him. Deegee said, "they either do or don't", it is thier problem.............not yours. Someone is going to love you again.... Take solace that all these people are going through the same rejection, pain, anxiety, whatever. Coping and growing as a person is a reality, and you are not alone here. You should feel brave for taking the steps to relate to people in this forum. This sucks! But these threads are theraputic.

[HopeDiesLast]

Rogue- thank you

 

Sys- thank you too....everyone keeps saying its the dreams and the potential i saw in him i cant let go of. i dunno. i dont know what i want anymore or how i feel or what to think....im just damn confused. i feel like he must be too- but hes sure not acting like it. i know i have to get through this....it just sucks right now. ALOT

 

I'm from upstate ny....the season change is nice. fall's my fave. i cant believe sometimes that a whole summer passed by. that the whole summer was heartache. its just so damn painful anticipating the holidays and the winter....the movies and the wine nights.

 

this really sucks today.

[Karma101]

Your post reminds me how much I miss Fall in NY. I'm from Lake Placid, NY and moved to FL just over 2 years ago. I so miss the "smell" of Fall in the air...

[HopeDiesLast]

Karma- Im from syracuse....winter is gonna be heard. its cold, and sucks to go out. and i just really want someone to snuggle with and watch movies and sip my hot cocoa spiked with bailey's.

 

Hope your day is getting better!

[HopeDiesLast]

Its hard sometimes when you get to NC for like 3 weeks (thats today for me) and you feel you're starting to let go....you just want to throw yourself back into the pain for some reason. like its the only thing you've got left of him and dont want to let that go. Does that make sense?

 

I guess i feel like in my heart i know there will be a 2nd time around for him and i....and i know it can't be now. but to let him go and move forward scares the hell out of me. the masochism in self torture feels like im still connected to him.....but in the long run will do nothing to help me or the situation.

 

Swingers again- you can only do things to make them NOT wanna come back. ugh i hate the truth sometimes.

[Ocean-Blue]

Its hard sometimes when you get to NC for like 3 weeks (thats today for me) and you feel you're starting to let go....you just want to throw yourself back into the pain for some reason. like its the only thing you've got left of him and dont want to let that go. Does that make sense?

 

I guess i feel like in my heart i know there will be a 2nd time around for him and i....and i know it can't be now. but to let him go and move forward scares the hell out of me. the masochism in self torture feels like im still connected to him.....but in the long run will do nothing to help me or the situation.

 

Swingers again- you can only do things to make them NOT wanna come back. ugh i hate the truth sometimes.

 

It might help you in the long run to think that he will never come back. Don't allow yourself to think of second chances.

 

You need to think about yourself. Leave him behind and pave your own way.

[HopeDiesLast]

Yeah, you're right. its so difficult to do that though. One day i believe it, truly do. The next, this hope BS comes back. Its bad.

 

I just need to live my life. I need to let this go. And let things figure themselves out. Usually the universe has a way of doing that.

[Intergalactic]

haha, i probably don't help AT ALL, but after reading these i still feel the need to say what's on my mind. i really don't think that the hope you hold is a bad thing. as i said to someone else asking for advice on here: sometimes it is the only thing that gets us through these very difficult times of heartache. that doesn't mean that the hope will always be there and nor does it mean that if the hope is never fulfilled, you will be desperate and feel the ache for the rest of your life. time, as we know, does wonderful things.

however, if you feel like you don't want to give up completely - DON'T! it's as simple as that. i know i don't want to give up completely, but i DO want to get myself to a point where i can say "hey, you want me back? that's cool, i'm willing to give it another go" or "don't want to try again with me? that's cool too, i'm fun and sexy and confident and there's many others out there for me, but let's be friends because i think you're an awesome person". and be HAPPY with either of those answers. i guess that's where i'm different to some LS users - i didn't suffer a horrible break up, my partner did not cheat on me or hurt me on purpose or do anything underhanded. he just couldn't handle the relationship at this stage in his life, and due to both personal and external factors, decided not to continue it anymore. it's not fair to ask someone to wait, so of course he didn't say "hey, could you wait like 5 years until i'm ready?" no, he made it final because he couldn't do it RIGHT NOW. those are key words - everything happens in the present but that does not mean it has any bearing on the future - there is just as much likelihood you can have a future with an ex at a later point in time (the elusive "second chance" you might call it) or with someone completely new.

 

and by the way, i hear you about not wanting to let go of the pain - sometimes i worry i actually like the pain because it reminds me of how much i actually loved, that i was able to love to such a degree. SIGH.

[HopeDiesLast]

Ya know what Intergalactic....i keep saying i agree with your statements. Yours and BCCA....for some reason, even if they may contradict themselves....and i'm sticking to my guns with you on this one. I just dont want to let go of the hope!

 

i dont. and i won't let it take over my life....I'll let things happen as they will, but ultimately i want to get to the place you talk about too- to just be okay with whatever life throws at me next.

 

Call it optimistic by nature....call it false hope. I'm with you on this one!!!

 

its been 3 weeks no contact....i always get to this point and panic. no idea why.

[HopeDiesLast]

who knows...my opinions change daily. my mom just said to me last night- "everyday its something different with you. one day you say "F him, mom".....the next its "he'll be back. it will take a while, but he will." and the next its "i miss him, should i call?"

 

my mom says- the only thing i can do is live for me....and see what happens. She calls it "waiting" but not waiting for him...waiting just to see what happens next for me.

 

For god sakes im only 25....im a spring chicken!

[Ocean-Blue]

who knows...my opinions change daily. my mom just said to me last night- "everyday its something different with you. one day you say "F him, mom".....the next its "he'll be back. it will take a while, but he will." and the next its "i miss him, should i call?"

 

my mom says- the only thing i can do is live for me....and see what happens. She calls it "waiting" but not waiting for him...waiting just to see what happens next for me.

 

For god sakes im only 25....im a spring chicken!

 

Exactly. Which is why you need to let go and forget him!