simple question...

[Deegee]

You are so welcome!

Just take care of yourself, 'cause if YOU don't then WHO will?!

HUGS

[BCCA]

Thanks Deegee....you're totally right. I'm just so sick of feeling this way. something has to change. i have to start focusing on me. I believe the same things you do.Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

I'm in the same boat as you two. I was trying to convince myself that things were headed in a good direction, she was just taking her time, I would hear from her soon, she misses me blah blah blah... Well, after you dont hear anything from someone who claims to love/care about you, it started to be pretty obvious that I was a very low priority, if not completely unimportant. Who knows what her reasoning is or what shes thinking, all I know is that wasting my time worrying about it makes me feel like crap. I'm tired of feeling like crap, and I dont deserve it.

 

I joined an online dating site. I've exchanged a few messages here and there, nothing too serious yet, but I need to get my mind on other women.

[Sysyphus28]

No. You can't rationalize with the person who ejected you out of thier lives. It is not like winning a debate or selling a product. It is a relationship that the other person did not want to be in. I thought I could convince my ex-gf and coax her into giving me one more chance(she gave me i don't knows and maybe's.....then when she got all her ducks in a row and someone new....she told me NO) I was trying to bring up all the "good times" and "memorable" things we had done together. It didn't work, now she won't talk to me because she thinks I only repeat the same thigns over and over. Thier is no selling yourself back to the other person. They are done with you, and if they are not, why would you want them back after they hurt you so bad. You wouldn't be on this site if you weren't hurting bad...........really. If you got to convince someone you are worth it..........F them. seriously. You are worth it and you don't need someone to validate you.

[Deegee]

:mad:Amen to that!

F*CK THEM. You should NEVER try to MAKE someone want to be with you. They either DO or DON'T, no rocket science here.

It' s TOTALLY their issue, not ours.

I want someone that wants me, no hemming, and hawwing.

I figured that they did me a favor, and just move out of the way so that the RIGHT person can make his way to me!

[HopeDiesLast]

Mino-I had hung out with a friend of a friend recently. I gave it a fair shot- seeing as it was a month post break up i figured i could hang out a few times and see what happens. Nice guy- just nothing there. Maybe its my timing- too soon? Maybe its him, i dunno.

 

BCCA- the distraction of someone else does help. Even if the rebound guy didnt work for me, it was nice to be around guys and drink and just hang out again. its a confidence boost, ya know? dont get me wrong, love my gf's but sometimes you need the attention of the oppisite sex to know you still got it.

 

Thats the thing, ya know? I'm sick of vague answers. I'm sick of "i dont know" and "maybe". im not gonna be someones maybe girl. i am not your couch. f*ck you and f*ck making me the maybe girl. I want to know you want me. and his actions this far havent shown me any of that. I'm wasting brain power on him. I dont deserve this sh*t, none of us do. I deserve to be HAPPY.

 

I SO wish things were different. But its outta my hands. All any of us can do now is just let things happen as they will- with or without the ex. and be okay with it. We have no other choice but to let go i guess....define letting go now...

[BCCA]

Here is what I've done to try and let go:

 

1. Everything that I had that in any way reminds me of my ex has been thrown away or put out of sight/easy reach. When I do stumble upon something, I try to deal with it ASAP. Smile for a second, toss is away. Dont dwell on it or put it back where you found it, because chances are youll run into it again.

 

2. I have decided that under no circumstances will I contact my ex. For that reason, I deleted her number from my phone (although I obviously know it by heart right now), booted her off my myspace, deleted her email from my contacts, etc. This way there is no 'easy access' to contacting her or keeping tabs.

 

3. I fill my free time doing anything and everything but thinking about her. The other night I jumped out of bed at 3am and just went running. I was having a hard day, felt crappy about the breakup, and just couldnt get it out of my head. So I just ran myself until I could hardly stand, took a shower and passed out. I've also gone for walks alone, went to friends houses just to say hi, and anything else I could think of to keep my mind elsewhere.

 

4. This is the hardest one: I completely expect to never hear from her again. Thats not to say that this is what I want, but its the reality. She probably wont make any attempts to contact me, and if she didn, it wouldnt be for what I wanted anyway. Doesnt mean it wouldnt be nice if she called to see if I was ok, or that I dont want to talk to her, but if I'm not contacting her, and my phone isnt ringing either, its best for me to assume our last conversation was the last one we'll ever have.

 

5. Just get out there. Maybe youll meet someone great, maybe every person you talk to for the next year is a total loser. There is no telling, but one thing is for sure: youll never meet anyone at home. And even a few moments of attention from the opposite sex can help build your self confidence.

 

Other than that, I dont let myself feel bad anymore. I dont accept it at all. Its easy to feel like its out of your control, but its not. I'm not going to let some jerk who treated me like crap continue to make me feel bad after they've left. If you havent read/watched the movie, "The Secret" has a lot of info that I found useful.

[HopeDiesLast]

Just READING the idea that we may never talk again hurts.

I have to get through this somehow.

Thanks for your advice BCCA.

My therapist also said sometimes, its good to just feel the pain. Don't try to distract yourself. Just feel it, then think of something to replace it with. Keep doing it....and eventually you'll train your brain.

[Karma101]

This is the hardest one: I completely expect to never hear from her again. Thats not to say that this is what I want, but its the reality. She probably wont make any attempts to contact me, and if she didn, it wouldnt be for what I wanted anyway. Doesnt mean it wouldnt be nice if she called to see if I was ok, or that I dont want to talk to her, but if I'm not contacting her, and my phone isnt ringing either, its best for me to assume our last conversation was the last one we'll ever have.

 

Today is the day that I adopt this attitude! If I contact him, I know he'll respond. But so what! It does not change our situation. I came home this afternoon to find an offline IM from him. Just a quick Good Morning message. No big deal. I will not respond. There was nothing in his message that even warrants a legitimate response. It was just a quick note. Will I hear from him again? Probably. Then again, maybe not. Guess it's best to assume the later.

[Melrapuo]

Consider it in the same way as when you and your ex first become a couple. Probably didn't really have to force anything, right? Things just fell into place.

 

Even if it is the idea of you and an ex getting back together, the same thing has to happen. You can't force something to happen between two people if only one is willing to do so. Kinda sucks, but its the reality of things.

[northstar1]

Here is what I've done to try and let go:

 

1. Everything that I had that in any way reminds me of my ex has been thrown away or put out of sight/easy reach. When I do stumble upon something, I try to deal with it ASAP. Smile for a second, toss is away. Dont dwell on it or put it back where you found it, because chances are youll run into it again.

 

2. I have decided that under no circumstances will I contact my ex. For that reason, I deleted her number from my phone (although I obviously know it by heart right now), booted her off my myspace, deleted her email from my contacts, etc. This way there is no 'easy access' to contacting her or keeping tabs.

 

3. I fill my free time doing anything and everything but thinking about her. The other night I jumped out of bed at 3am and just went running. I was having a hard day, felt crappy about the breakup, and just couldnt get it out of my head. So I just ran myself until I could hardly stand, took a shower and passed out. I've also gone for walks alone, went to friends houses just to say hi, and anything else I could think of to keep my mind elsewhere.

 

4. This is the hardest one: I completely expect to never hear from her again. Thats not to say that this is what I want, but its the reality. She probably wont make any attempts to contact me, and if she didn, it wouldnt be for what I wanted anyway. Doesnt mean it wouldnt be nice if she called to see if I was ok, or that I dont want to talk to her, but if I'm not contacting her, and my phone isnt ringing either, its best for me to assume our last conversation was the last one we'll ever have.

 

5. Just get out there. Maybe youll meet someone great, maybe every person you talk to for the next year is a total loser. There is no telling, but one thing is for sure: youll never meet anyone at home. And even a few moments of attention from the opposite sex can help build your self confidence.

 

Other than that, I dont let myself feel bad anymore. I dont accept it at all. Its easy to feel like its out of your control, but its not. I'm not going to let some jerk who treated me like crap continue to make me feel bad after they've left. If you havent read/watched the movie, "The Secret" has a lot of info that I found useful.

 

All good strategies. I like the running at 3am to burn off stress, better than tossing and turning all night.

You seem to have a very good handle on what you need to do to do things that are best for your healing and moving on.

[HopeDiesLast]

Consider it in the same way as when you and your ex first become a couple. Probably didn't really have to force anything, right? Things just fell into place.

 

Even if it is the idea of you and an ex getting back together, the same thing has to happen. You can't force something to happen between two people if only one is willing to do so. Kinda sucks, but its the reality of things.

 

 

very good point melrapuo!

[BCCA]

All good strategies. I like the running at 3am to burn off stress, better than tossing and turning all night.

You seem to have a very good handle on what you need to do to do things that are best for your healing and moving on.

 

Well, realizing who your ex really is also helps. Someome doesnt care for you and then not even bother to call and see if youre ok. No one loves you, but cant make time for you. My ex is a complete selfish piece of s**t thats not deserving of me in any way. Also, you only really have two choices: go on, or fall into the darkness of depression. I'm not letting this person cause me any more grief.

[HopeDiesLast]

Well, realizing who your ex really is also helps. Someome doesnt care for you and then not even bother to call and see if youre ok. No one loves you, but cant make time for you. My ex is a complete selfish piece of s**t thats not deserving of me in any way. Also, you only really have two choices: go on, or fall into the darkness of depression. I'm not letting this person cause me any more grief.

 

 

i think theres some truth behind realizing who your ex is....but i dont think that they were being someone else durring your time together. i just think alot of times when a break up happens, they happen because the ex wasnt having THEIR needs met....or something was wrong for THEM. so it only makes sense that all their actions are selfish afterwards.

 

I dont know about the non communication part. id like to think that maybe he knows that talking to me would only cause me more pain. that he has nothing but small talk for me and i dont wanna hear that. i made it clear that i couldnt do the small talk-friends thing. so unless i hear something in the form of "lets try again" "i made a mistake" "can we talk about us".....hes pretty aware i dont wanna hear from him.

it just hurts too much, ya know?

 

but i guess whatever gets each of us through this.

[0hpenelope]

Here is what I've done to try and let go:

 

1. Everything that I had that in any way reminds me of my ex has been thrown away or put out of sight/easy reach. When I do stumble upon something, I try to deal with it ASAP. Smile for a second, toss is away. Dont dwell on it or put it back where you found it, because chances are youll run into it again.

 

2. I have decided that under no circumstances will I contact my ex. For that reason, I deleted her number from my phone (although I obviously know it by heart right now), booted her off my myspace, deleted her email from my contacts, etc. This way there is no 'easy access' to contacting her or keeping tabs.

 

3. I fill my free time doing anything and everything but thinking about her. The other night I jumped out of bed at 3am and just went running. I was having a hard day, felt crappy about the breakup, and just couldnt get it out of my head. So I just ran myself until I could hardly stand, took a shower and passed out. I've also gone for walks alone, went to friends houses just to say hi, and anything else I could think of to keep my mind elsewhere.

 

4. This is the hardest one: I completely expect to never hear from her again. Thats not to say that this is what I want, but its the reality. She probably wont make any attempts to contact me, and if she didn, it wouldnt be for what I wanted anyway. Doesnt mean it wouldnt be nice if she called to see if I was ok, or that I dont want to talk to her, but if I'm not contacting her, and my phone isnt ringing either, its best for me to assume our last conversation was the last one we'll ever have.

 

5. Just get out there. Maybe youll meet someone great, maybe every person you talk to for the next year is a total loser. There is no telling, but one thing is for sure: youll never meet anyone at home. And even a few moments of attention from the opposite sex can help build your self confidence.

 

Other than that, I dont let myself feel bad anymore. I dont accept it at all. Its easy to feel like its out of your control, but its not. I'm not going to let some jerk who treated me like crap continue to make me feel bad after they've left. If you havent read/watched the movie, "The Secret" has a lot of info that I found useful.

 

I burned my ex's stuff.

 

One of my roommates kept a painting, though. I don't know which roommate. I think they just liked it because it was nice. I like it too, butI can't have it in sight. Someone has it and I don't know who, but I know I won't even bother to ask.

 

Right. We don't like where we're at, but we can deal with things in the best way we can.

 

Thanks for sharing, BCCA. HDL, how are you feeling today?

[HopeDiesLast]

I'm alright ohpen. Better today i guess! I think i've just got to learn to be okay with not understanding this. i gotta just let it go. so thats what im trying to do. i feel like im going totally insane analyzing otherwise. know what i mean?

[0hpenelope]

I'm alright ohpen. Better today i guess! I think i've just got to learn to be okay with not understanding this. i gotta just let it go. so thats what im trying to do. i feel like im going totally insane analyzing otherwise. know what i mean?

 

Oh believe me, analyzing the situation... it stopped a while ago. Because, as you said, I learned to be okay with not understanding what happened. You can analyze all you want, but no answer's going to make you happy - at least, for now. Perhaps somewhere down the road, you'll find it. But not right now.

 

There's no point, yes? You're just going to round and round in circles and you still won't be happy.

[BCCA]

i think theres some truth behind realizing who your ex is....but i dont think that they were being someone else durring your time together. i just think alot of times when a break up happens, they happen because the ex wasnt having THEIR needs met....or something was wrong for THEM. so it only makes sense that all their actions are selfish afterwards.

 

I dont know about the non communication part. id like to think that maybe he knows that talking to me would only cause me more pain. that he has nothing but small talk for me and i dont wanna hear that. i made it clear that i couldnt do the small talk-friends thing. so unless i hear something in the form of "lets try again" "i made a mistake" "can we talk about us".....hes pretty aware i dont wanna hear from him.

it just hurts too much, ya know?

 

but i guess whatever gets each of us through this.

 

Believe this: nothing he is doing right now or in the near future will in ANY WAY be done for your benefit. Everything he does is all for him. I know its easy to feel like he might be trying to spare you the pain, but he feels guilty is a more likely scenario.

 

As far as having thier needs met, us grownups talk with eachother when there is a problem, and try to work things out. Just throwing your hands up and walking away is not very mature and does not show a whole lot of concern for the person youre leaving behind. Its the easy way out. Blame everything on the other person, leave them, and poof- problems are all solved.

 

I've been where you are, but dont make excuses for him anymore. Everytime I did that, I would be harshly reminded that my ex wasnt trying to just do whats best for everyone, she was only thinking/caring about herself. Trust me, I am probably less important to my ex than a dead squirrell in the middle of the street. Nothing she does is for me at all.

[Melrapuo]

I don't run too often, but I've been trying some new exercises. And I've been lifting like crazy - almost daily. I've gained 5-10 lbs in muscle alone. A lot of my friends are kinda surprised at how big I've gotten. I was really strong before the break up, but now my chest is huge lol. Leave it to break ups to make me be stronger than ever. : )

[HopeDiesLast]

Believe this: nothing he is doing right now or in the near future will in ANY WAY be done for your benefit. Everything he does is all for him. I know its easy to feel like he might be trying to spare you the pain, but he feels guilty is a more likely scenario.

 

As far as having thier needs met, us grownups talk with eachother when there is a problem, and try to work things out. Just throwing your hands up and walking away is not very mature and does not show a whole lot of concern for the person youre leaving behind. Its the easy way out. Blame everything on the other person, leave them, and poof- problems are all solved.

 

I've been where you are, but dont make excuses for him anymore. Everytime I did that, I would be harshly reminded that my ex wasnt trying to just do whats best for everyone, she was only thinking/caring about herself. Trust me, I am probably less important to my ex than a dead squirrell in the middle of the street. Nothing she does is for me at all.

 

BCCA- you are right. totally about the guilt. i stand corrected!!! ugh makes me want to hit him. what a f***ing assh***.....i cant even stand to think about it. No more excuses. i'm with ya on that one.

[HopeDiesLast]

Oh believe me, analyzing the situation... it stopped a while ago. Because, as you said, I learned to be okay with not understanding what happened. You can analyze all you want, but no answer's going to make you happy - at least, for now. Perhaps somewhere down the road, you'll find it. But not right now.

 

There's no point, yes? You're just going to round and round in circles and you still won't be happy.

 

circles is correct...its like the same crap i was coming to as my conclusions 3.5 months ago are still the same explainations i have now. its insanity. i feel completely crazy sometimes. big circles. i just cant do it anymore. i dont want to do it. i have to just let it work itself out. let life happen as it will. be ok with whatever happens next....and have faith that life is happening as it should.

[BCCA]

BCCA- you are right. totally about the guilt. i stand corrected!!! ugh makes me want to hit him. what a f***ing assh***.....i cant even stand to think about it. No more excuses. i'm with ya on that one.

 

One of my friends cares for me enough to not sugarcoat anything. She just tells me straight up. And honestly, youll never know whats going on in his head. He probably doesnt even know half the time.

 

I keep trying to remind myself that feeling good is a choice. If all we do is find reasons to be unhappy, all we'll do is attract unhappiness. It sounds too simple to be true, but it isn't. I tell myself everytime I worry about my ex that the universe has something else lined up for me, and all I have to do is be patient and enjoy myself in the meantime.

[Ingenue]

One of my friends did the hard love approach with me and was firm in his assessment of my situation. It really doesn't matter what the heck happened between you and your ex. The end result is the same, your relationship is over. Does it really matter why? His words were a wake up call to me.

 

I use an expression that's one of my favourites - paralysis by analysis. You can analyse a situation to death, to the point where you're completely paralyzed into inaction. No matter how we approach the breakup, most of us will never know what went wrong. We can plead, we can beg, we can implore our exes to reveal that kernel of truth that will allow us to heal (or so we think). But all of us know, deep down, that never really happens. We never gain closure and move on from learning anything remotely from the truth.

 

The important thing is moving on with our lives and not becoming paralysed. I constantly remind myself that I can either allow myself to become so defined by this relationship, that the loss of it will devastate me forever. I am crushed emotionally. Getting over being thrown away by email is a brutal thing to reconcile internally. But more importantly, I tell myself that I'll treasure the past 5 years I had with my ex and use what I had as a learning experience for my next relationship. Maybe our paths will cross again and maybe they won't, but life moves on and every moment I spend trying to decipher what went wrong, is one less moment that I have feeling good about myself. I consciously try to choose the latter.

 

Hope, it does get better. At the 4 month mark, you'll better than you do now. And at the 5 month mark, you'll feel better than you did at 4 months.

 

In the words of Renton, from the movie Trainspotting, "Choose your future. Choose life."

[Intergalactic]

not trying to drag anyone back, but i really don't think that just because an ex has done something to make THEMSELVES happier makes them a bad person. we all want to make ourselves happy, and if they weren't happy in the relationship, why should they have to put up with it and put the other person first? the reality is that we ALL put ourselves first. that's not to say that we're all completely selfish *******s, and it's not to say your ex was a selfish *******. something wasn't working for him, and he decided he wanted to end it for the moment and see if not being with you worked better. it sucks, it sucks in every way and it sucks even worse for us left behind, but hating someone because they made a decision to just be alone for a while or because they weren't sure how they felt about you or felt it wasn't working for them any longer does NOT make them a bad person. it also doesn't mean they don't care and never loved you.

i'll stick to my guns and say that i do NOT think my ex is a bad person. i think he is a very good person, and i'm glad he did the right thing by himself because i know i will always do the right thing by MYself. gonna give it some space, a year or so, then get to know him again and see what happens. put myself in that space where i feel i'm okay with whatever the outcome may be.

[BCCA]

The thing is, while my ex was only doing what was best for her, it really hurt my feelings and she wasn't very compassionate about it afterward. She's never called once to see how I'm doing. I don't care what she's doing for herself, that hurt ME! So, I wouldn't say she's the worst person in the world, but anyone who calls someone in the middle of the day at work and dumps them is a s**thead in my book. If that's unfair of me, so be it.

[HopeDiesLast]

not trying to drag anyone back, but i really don't think that just because an ex has done something to make THEMSELVES happier makes them a bad person. we all want to make ourselves happy, and if they weren't happy in the relationship, why should they have to put up with it and put the other person first? the reality is that we ALL put ourselves first. that's not to say that we're all completely selfish *******s, and it's not to say your ex was a selfish *******. something wasn't working for him, and he decided he wanted to end it for the moment and see if not being with you worked better. it sucks, it sucks in every way and it sucks even worse for us left behind, but hating someone because they made a decision to just be alone for a while or because they weren't sure how they felt about you or felt it wasn't working for them any longer does NOT make them a bad person. it also doesn't mean they don't care and never loved you.

i'll stick to my guns and say that i do NOT think my ex is a bad person. i think he is a very good person, and i'm glad he did the right thing by himself because i know i will always do the right thing by MYself. gonna give it some space, a year or so, then get to know him again and see what happens. put myself in that space where i feel i'm okay with whatever the outcome may be.

 

Its weird cus i agree with that statement. i dont think hes a bad person....but at the same time i do think he didnt call to check in on me cus it makes him feel guilty, maybe even bc it would hurt me. i guess its a combination of both. Either way....it just f***ing sucks.