Can Anyone Shed Some Light . . . .

[KiwiAngel]

Hi Everyone,

New here but hoping you can shed some light on my situation!!

 

Married for 8yrs, together for 15yr. I'm 41, he's 40. Thought he was "the one". . . Here is my situation . . . April 30 2008, We had a very lengthy conversation about why I was feeling unhappy. . I thought we had started to deal with a few things, even booked an overseas trip to our friends wedding. Next morning, things seemed fine, kissed each other bye before he went to work, he even said I love you babe. Later that day I received an email saying he was leaving, won't be coming back and will pick up some clothes and meds (diabetic) in a few days, that was may 1st. I was totally shocked!! Even talked about a settlement in his email. I rang him in tears wanting to know why? He said that it was coming for awhile and that he was unhappy also. . I asked whether there was any chance of getting back together, he said no and that he would never be coming back again,but you never know what the future holds he said, as you can imagine total devistation, loved this man with all my heart. . .

He was leaving for China on the 23rd May for business, I was leaving for Malaysia on the 30th, he met up with me in Malaysia after his business trip, we had a fantastic week together. . . .made plans for the future etc when i cam back, he picked me up from the airport, all smiles, kisses, you look great, love you everything. He seemed really happy to see me. . drops me back at our home, gives me a kiss, not just a peck, then leaves. Don't hear from him for a few days.

In June we were even talking about future plans, then he started on about the settlement again, I told him that I was not going to make any decisions until I have had time to reflect and put my emotions in order so to speak . . .I was thinking of moving out of the area, he said he would buy me a house as part of the settlement But didn't think that my choice of area was a good one and that maybe I should look at something closer to where we live . .he made some good points, so I started "house hunting", it's now July 15th (8th wedding anniversary). He had come over to see me, whilst chatting he tells me that he met a chinese girl (23yrs)on the plane and would like to persue a relationship with her, he was already in a relationship with her, they had been seen by friends but he didn't know I knew. And I didn't say anything either. Anyway showed him a house I had found, I was really excited about it. City/water views, just beautiful! I said that it was a house that would suit me(us),downsize from what we have. He agreed with everything I was saying, the location everything. Couple days later, he tells me that there is NOway he could afford it or the bank lend him the money. 5 days later while i was on the net, i looked up the house, it had been sold HE HAD PURCHASED IT!!! even got himself a new mercedes!! I was so angry. End of july now, my nephews friend worked for hubby, he had gone to work and said I was calling hubby alsorts of names and that he had stopped money going into our account. Hubby got really, really angry, and did stop the money. By this time I was getting my emotions under control, we had a lengthy convo about what was said. I told him I never said that, what I did say, was What if he cuts me off? But did admit to calling him certain names. He said sorry and that the only reason he stopped the money was to force my hand to make a decision about the settlement he had offered. To this day I have not touched our accounts but he still puts money in every week.

Now it's August. . . I did the NO contact thing, no txt, email or calling, avoided places he would be or possibly go. . . started feeling really good. He would txt or email every now and then, always signed with I love you. I never replied. He has always said that he loves me But not in love with me BUT could fall inlove with me again. . . Has always told me that he loves me and cares what happens to me. . .

September . . . Begining of Sept . . . still telling me he loves me (we have established contact again) find out he has been taking the new girl on harley rides (we have 3)and meeting "our" friends etc also found out he is taking her to Bathhurst on the 9th october. I realise he can enter a new relationship, I mean we have broken up. He still has our wedding photos in his office (everywhere). . . I don't go out of my way to make contact with him but he has txt & emailed me everyday for last two weeks, love me xx at the end . . . We were supposed to go out for a ride on the harleys the other day and to our local HOG Chapter meeting, I said I couldn't go riding (he wasn't happy)but would see him at the meeting, I didn't go there either . . the meeting was last night, he txt me at 10.30pm "missed you at the meetin "

Over the time we have been apart he has told me he loves me, tells me how sexy or good I'm looking, txt/emails me, kiss & hugs me, tells me he loves me. . . . .WHAT IS HE UP TO?????? So many mixed signals & emotions ( if i say to him i can't be his friend or see him right now or for awhile he cries ) I AM SO CONFUSED . . . Can anyone shed some light, please . . . not sure what or where to go from here . . .

[westrock]

Over the time we have been apart he has told me he loves me, tells me how sexy or good I'm looking, txt/emails me, kiss & hugs me, tells me he loves me. . . . .WHAT IS HE UP TO?????? So many mixed signals & emotions ( if i say to him i can't be his friend or see him right now or for awhile he cries ) I AM SO CONFUSED . . . Can anyone shed some light, please . . . not sure what or where to go from here . . .

 

 

(((Hugs to you))))

 

He wants to be able to have his cake and eat it to. Refuse to go along with his poor behavior towards you.

 

The next time he tells you he loves you... you should in a calm but serious voice stop him right away and ask him "Do you really?" If he says "yes", ask him how he can claim to love you while he is having a girlfriend on the side.

 

If you want to try to reconcile and save the marriage, tell him that if he is serious about what he says then you want him to go to marriage counselling with you now. If he agrees, make an appointment right away.

[KiwiAngel]

I have told him a few times, also to be honest with her re: his feelings etc, especially if he wants to have a relationship with her, seems to fall on deaf ears. . . .

As for him telling me that he loves me, I have to admit it's nice to hear, i don't say it back though. . .

He has also told me that he doesn't want to come back but that was a couple of months or so ago . . .

 

As for reconciling, I'm not sure if I want to anymore, not sure if I can get past the hurt . . .

[jmargel]

Kiwi.. look at the underlying issues. If you look before all this happened, i'm sure you will see what i'm talking about.

 

His immaturity, things has to be HIS way. He's selfish, he's into material things, he puts himself first. You should be his first priority and your not.

 

Second he is VERY controlling. Cheating on you and then intentionally trying to make you hang onto him? You know this relationship with this girl won't last and when it doesn't he'll be wanting to come back at full force. He controls you also by fiances. Just look back at the things he's said to you. He strings you along like a puppet. He disrespects you because he knows he can get away with it. He sounds like he has a huge ego. These are the men that really need a lesson.

 

Do you really want to put him in his place? He's expecting you to do NOTHING. He's expecting to continue to call all the shots. Honestly what you need to do is find a really good lawyer and start this divorce. Let him know that he's going to be paying ALOT. Tell him you are done being cheated on, being dragged through the mud and tired of being disrespected. That you will find someone that truly loves and cares for you and that he can have his little play toy.

 

I'm sure this isn't the first time this has happened, with his general attitude he has done this before. All the signs show it. Although he will not admit to it.

 

He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. He wants to keep you waiting like a safety net and then when it's time to talk he'll try to justify his behavior by making you feel like you are the wrong one.

He also wants to keep you in the picture to toy with you to make sure you really are not going to go anywhere.

 

Also, after all this. Can you see yourself with this guy for the next 20 years after what he's been doing to you? He's not doing it because of you, he's doing it because he's immature, selfish and generally has a bad attitude. And you were with him for 7 years before marrying him? Seems like he took his good old time to get there. What are you getting out of this marriage?

[KiwiAngel]

Oh my god, do you know my hubby??? . . .lol

 

You are right, he has done this before, 1yr after we were married.

 

They say Love is Deaf, Dumb & Blind . . Time for me to take the rose coloured glasses off. . . Time to move on.

 

Finding a divorce lawyer that is going to be cut throat, will be the next difficult task.

 

Hubby has his own business, which is worth a few bucks, houses, keeps everything in a trust account. . .

 

I have to see him this sunday, we race quads (ATVs), there is now way to avoid it.

 

Thank you so much jmargel

[jmargel]

Anytime Kiwi.. Keep me updated on how things go. Keep strong and push forward through this. I know it's hard and you will have weak moments and that's ok.

 

Thinking of you..

 

Jeff

[KiwiAngel]

i was going to have one of those "bad" days BUT I have this little thing I do now . . .

 

Everytime I think of him or anything that has to do with him, I think of a small black dot, that gets bigger until I can see nothing but black . . .

 

It seems to be working, quicker and quicker everytime

 

Still hear from him everyday, been like that for the last 2 1/2 - 3wks. Don't answer him if I can avoid to. . . .

 

Thanx for the words of encouragement jmargel, they help alot

 

:):)

[jmargel]

What worked for me with my ex was that everytime I started thinking about her and romanticizing the past I would catch myself and start thinking about all the hurt she put me through. I think sometimes it might be a defense mechanism to think of the good only because you don't want to feel anymore hurt.

 

We're all here for you. One day when he's old and lonely he'll realize what he's done. You have alot of life left in you, if you really want it you can make the rest of it something really great.

[KiwiAngel]

Not sure what he's up to now. . .

 

All the love you, hun, babe your sexy etc have stopped! ! Confused again! !

 

Is this a new game or what? Stopped about a week or so ago, I have not been doing anything different, can anyone explain what's happening?

[Simplycaroline]

Not sure what he's up to now. . .

 

All the love you, hun, babe your sexy etc have stopped! ! Confused again! !

 

Is this a new game or what? Stopped about a week or so ago, I have not been doing anything different, can anyone explain what's happening?

 

Please stop trying to figure him out. You will not be able to honey. Work on your game plan of protecting yourself. If you are confused chances are he is more confused himself and you can not save him. You can only alter the course of your own life.

[Geishawhelk]

What a player!! he sure has you sussed! He only has to change his methods a little bit and he's got you hopping from foot to foot, wondering, puzzling, asking why!

 

You know why??

 

BECAUSE he knows it works!!

 

Please, please, do not respond! Give him a new name - Cheating Poker Jack! he's playing with you and having fun trying to pull all the aces!!

Find a good lawyer, by recommendation if you can, or hunt around these no-win-no-fee guys....

Show him you mean business, delete his number off your 'phone, and do what someone else did - when his number rings, have the alert read something like "It's cheating poker Jack again!!" and cut him off!

 

let the next letter he gets from you be from a lawyer filing for divorce.

 

You go girl!!

[Rafa]

Honestly Kiwi, I know it must be difficult and take all the strength you can muster, but it is time to start taking some control here.

You do not deserve this kind of treatment. Like someone else said, you've got to stop trying to figure him out. It no longer matters because you don't want to be back in a relationship with a guy like this.

That's what logic says, but what about your heart? You are coming down from an addiction. It will pass. Take control.

[RecordProducer]

Oh, let me shed some light on your situation. I can't even start telling what a slime-bag your husband is! Forget the mixed signs, he is garbage. He strung you along, lied, made promises he never intended to keep, cheated on you (he didn't meet this woman on the plane, don't be naive!), and he is sending you mixed signals to throw dust in your eyes until the divorce is finalized.

 

Can't you see that all he talks about is the settlement? He lies to you about the house (how you described him, when you mentioned the house, I knew he never intended to buy you one, so I wasn't surprised). On top of all, he bought the house that you wanted to buy.

 

He is putting money in your mutual account to keep you calm. You are doing nothing because of his fake "I love you''s and promises and crumbs.

 

GET A GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER! NOW!

 

Lawyers can do a lot for you if you find good ones and if you ask the right questions. You have to be armed with determination to play dirty and win, a cold head and a good divorce attorney. Get an expensive one, you can't afford a cheap one.

[KiwiAngel]

Please stop trying to figure him out. You will not be able to honey. Work on your game plan of protecting yourself. If you are confused chances are he is more confused himself and you can not save him. You can only alter the course of your own life.

 

 

Thank you SC . . .

I do wonder whether it's a MLC. As for protecting myself, it's feel that everytime I feel really strong, don't think about him etc, there he is again!

 

I will take what you have said on board, thank you again

[KiwiAngel]

Oh, let me shed some light on your situation. I can't even start telling what a slime-bag your husband is! Forget the mixed signs, he is garbage. He strung you along, lied, made promises he never intended to keep, cheated on you (he didn't meet this woman on the plane, don't be naive!), and he is sending you mixed signals to throw dust in your eyes until the divorce is finalized.

 

Can't you see that all he talks about is the settlement? He lies to you about the house (how you described him, when you mentioned the house, I knew he never intended to buy you one, so I wasn't surprised). On top of all, he bought the house that you wanted to buy.

 

He is putting money in your mutual account to keep you calm. You are doing nothing because of his fake "I love you''s and promises and crumbs.

 

GET A GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER! NOW!

 

Lawyers can do a lot for you if you find good ones and if you ask the right questions. You have to be armed with determination to play dirty and win, a cold head and a good divorce attorney. Get an expensive one, you can't afford a cheap one.

 

Hi RP . . .

I hear what you are saying, still hard though . Has stopped talking about settlement, actually alittle while ago now. . .

 

When I have spoken of getting a lawyer he gives me the same line as always, "You don't know what will happen down the line"

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom

[KiwiAngel]

What a player!! he sure has you sussed! He only has to change his methods a little bit and he's got you hopping from foot to foot, wondering, puzzling, asking why!

 

You know why??

 

BECAUSE he knows it works!!

 

Please, please, do not respond! Give him a new name - Cheating Poker Jack! he's playing with you and having fun trying to pull all the aces!!

Find a good lawyer, by recommendation if you can, or hunt around these no-win-no-fee guys....

Show him you mean business, delete his number off your 'phone, and do what someone else did - when his number rings, have the alert read something like "It's cheating poker Jack again!!" and cut him off!

 

let the next letter he gets from you be from a lawyer filing for divorce.

 

You go girl!!

 

 

Let me start by saying, I love the that you shoot straight from the hip and don't mince words :laugh:

 

I have deleted his number from my phone, I even changed a password on an email account so that he can't use it . . .

 

Trying with all my strength not to get wrapped up in his little games . . .

 

Thanks for the encouragement :)

[KiwiAngel]

Honestly Kiwi, I know it must be difficult and take all the strength you can muster, but it is time to start taking some control here.

You do not deserve this kind of treatment. Like someone else said, you've got to stop trying to figure him out. It no longer matters because you don't want to be back in a relationship with a guy like this.

That's what logic says, but what about your heart? You are coming down from an addiction. It will pass. Take control.

 

 

Rafa . . .

 

"What about your heart?" . . . . My head says and agrees with what everyone has to say BUT my heart says and feels something different. . .

 

I know this is going to sound like an old cliche` BUT they way he is behaving his not the guy I fell in love with and married. When we see each other (yesterday actually) I get a glimps of the person I know . . .

 

He seems to be opening up more to me, inregards to the business and other areas of his life. . . not personal life though, he knows I don't want to know about it or her . . .

 

Thanks Rafa

[Simplycaroline]

Thank you SC . . .

I do wonder whether it's a MLC. As for protecting myself, it's feel that everytime I feel really strong, don't think about him etc, there he is again!

 

I will take what you have said on board, thank you again

 

 

No problem. Do not keep warning him that you are getting a lawyer, you have done that enough. Just get the lawyer and get the ball rolling and see how he responds to that. He is counting on you being who you are with him. He is not counting on you protecting yourself. Be the strong, beautiful woman that you are. You deserve someone that respects you.

[sadintexas]

Sorry to sound so frank here, but if you divorce him, he has a lot to lose. Of course he's going to try to keep you happy right now with a little money deposited in the account and tales of a possible future. It's a lot cheaper than pissing you off! Sounds like he is a player, and he is playing YOU. If I were you, I would quietly get my ducks in a row, get a good lawyer and proceed without so much as a peep to him. He thinks you won't do it, and he isn't losing anything by keeping you on the hook. Just the opposite. He's getting to keep everything material with you waiting "in case". Hit him in the pocketbook and don't look back. Easier said than done I know, but sometimes we must do things that we don't want to do.

[Simplycaroline]

Rafa . . .

 

"What about your heart?" . . . . My head says and agrees with what everyone has to say BUT my heart says and feels something different. . .

 

I know this is going to sound like an old cliche` BUT they way he is behaving his not the guy I fell in love with and married. When we see each other (yesterday actually) I get a glimps of the person I know . . .

 

He seems to be opening up more to me, inregards to the business and other areas of his life. . . not personal life though, he knows I don't want to know about it or her . . .

 

Thanks Rafa

 

 

Well you keep telling yourself what ever you need to to enable or justify holding on emotionally to a man that plays you like Libaracy played a Baby Grand piano. While you are getting glimpses of who you thought he was, he knows you inside out.

 

 

If you do not want a divorce then don't get one. People still move on without them. Just stop holding the fact that he won't sign the papers as the true reason for your anguish. Your real anguish is that you are not ready or able to let go yet.

[You'reasian]

If LS has taught me anything, I'm taking my sweet time to get to know potential significant others and if they've had messy marriages before well, marriage aint perfect but atleast what happened can give you a glimpse of the other person.

 

Never been married, but this site is an excellent source.

[KiwiAngel]

Well you keep telling yourself what ever you need to to enable or justify holding on emotionally to a man that plays you like Libaracy played a Baby Grand piano. While you are getting glimpses of who you thought he was, he knows you inside out.

 

 

If you do not want a divorce then don't get one. People still move on without them. Just stop holding the fact that he won't sign the papers as the true reason for your anguish. Your real anguish is that you are not ready or able to let go yet.

 

 

Once again thank you, words of wisdom . . .

 

Sometimes I wish it was easy to "just walk, move away" BUT (there's always a but) I have two son's from a previous relationship, my ex has raised them since they were tiny tots. I/We HAVE to see him at least twice a month as we all race ATV's and he towes the trailer etc. . .

 

My days are getting better, even when "family & friends" let slip that they have seen him at bars (which he never did before). I just say to them, "I don't care, I don't want to know and STOP telling me, your not helping! . . They get upset with me! Go figure. . . .

 

He is off to Australia this weekend with the G/F and some mutual friends, he's unaware that I know she's going . . . Hey he can do that I know. Honestly, is doesn't upset me. I will be busy with ATV Racing Champs, I know he will contact me to "see" how things are going etc. . For some unknown reason there will be no cellphone coverage at the track :laugh:

This will upset him no end. Does that make me feel good ABSOLUTELY!!

 

Maybe's it's my womens intuition kicking in (finally or I'm starting to listen ) but I do feel strongly that this will be the begining of the end for the two of them, it's not hope they will, I do feel it will be. . .

 

Sorry for venting BUT gosh it felt good :)

 

Thanks everyone, have an awesome day

[KiwiAngel]

Ex home from Australia, and as posted before, he did contact me the whole weekend . . . Still got the I love you's etc

 

Yesterday when he rang I asked him why he keeps saying he loves me etc, his reply "you start it first". What a load of dung!!!

We are meant to be meeting up today to discuss the issue. He had his GF with him so he couldn't talk, he didn't say she was there I knew from the way he ways talking to me. . .

 

Today will be the day that I will be telling him NO MORE . . . no more contact, no more txting, no more emailing. . .

If he wants her then he can have her but keep me out of it.

 

If he says to me that he does love and care about what happens to me, my answer will be: If you love me then let me go . . . I can't take the emotional roller coaster trip anymore.

 

I am now seeing a psychologist for my own peace of mind.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated . . .