same old story ... desperately unhappy

[caged tiger]

i am married and i have a crush on another man. same old story. but while others have been through this before, i haven't, so i'm having trouble dealing with it.

 

i have been reading some of the other posts here about the same subject, and a lot of them advise that you should spend time away from the man you have a crush on ... i want to, consciously, but problem is he is a friend of my husband's. only way i could get away with spending less time with this man is by telling my husband why i wanted to spend less time with him. (ironically, if my marriage broke up, i'd never see the other man again ...)

 

but here's another twist ... the other man a) has no idea how i feel about him, and would be horrified if he did, b) is a really close friend of both of us, c) isn't attracted to me and has told me as much (during a conversation about something else), and d) even if he was, would never consider me as i am his best friend's wife. so, all in all, it's a silly notion and will never come to anything in real life.

 

however, that didn't stop me from imagining it. first it was just innocent. seeing his face when i kissed my husband, stuff like that. but now it is more - i imagine this man holding me, and when my husband tries the same thing i push him away. i can't stand the sight of him. he has gained so much weight and when i tell him i don't feel like making love he gets sensitive and blames it on his weight and holds it against me - but still doesn't do anything about his diet or exercise! in truth i don't know why i don't feel like love-making, partially it's because i no longer find him attractive but that has been the case since before we were married, so i don't know what that's about.

 

besides the whole 'wanting to sleep with a younger, sexier man' thing, i just hate my relationship so much. he never listens to me, he stares at the tv or his video games all the time, even when i try to talk to him about everything that's wrong he gets all sentimental and tells me he loves me, but nothing ever changes. he doesn't understand that all i need to do is talk about it, he's always trying to tell me i'm wrong or i'm overreacting or i'm being childish. but the truth is i can't stand him touching me anymore, let alone telling me he loves me. it's disgusting.

 

i know that my problems are so small compared to most peoples', and i'm probably being silly. my marriage is probably just normal. but no-one ever told me it would be like this. everyone says marriage is a journey, an adventure with someone you love. but what if it's akin to a journey to the most boring place on earth with someone you can't stand?

 

we have no kids, and no assets, and no debts. it would be easy to walk away, except for the judgment of family and friends. and what's worse ... i'm considering staying with him just so i can continue to spend time with the man i have a crush on. how pathetic.

 

thanks for listening

[Mr. Lucky]

we have no kids, and no assets, and no debts. it would be easy to walk away, except for the judgment of family and friends. and what's worse ... i'm considering staying with him just so i can continue to spend time with the man i have a crush on. how pathetic.

 

thanks for listening

Since you have little to lose and not much keeping you in place, why not tell your H the truth? It may put pressure on him to take the problems you two have seriously and will also distance you from his friend. You may be surprised to find that your H has his own issues with your M and some honest dialog may ensue. No where to go but up from here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[caged tiger]

thanks Mr Lucky. I did speak to him last night, it took a lot of guts but i did it. i found it easier to talk to him about it while i wasn't looking at him - we spooned in bed and i told him everything. he cried - he never cries - and he told me he loves me, despite what I say. he hasn't actually been aware of any problem, but I maintain that's becasue he isn't really aware of anything outside his little world. he didn't ask who it was I had a crush on, as I convinced him it couldn't possibly happen, which is the truth, for the afore-mentioned reasons. I'm glad he didn't ask - they've been friends for over ten years and I'd hate to see that broken because of unrequited feelings.

 

he promised to be better - and he is, he took the day off today so he could clean the house and do some washing. and that's wonderful. but i don't know how to get back that feeling i had for him before, you know, looking at him and feeling lucky and special - rather than now, where i look at him and feel nothing. numb. bored. like i'm looking at a stranger - someone i don't know and don't care about.

 

maybe it's me? maybe I'm depressed again. we should go to counselling, he says - but money is always a stretch. we'll have to figure that out. but i wonder if I even care enough to try. i feel about as motivated to try to save our marriage as i do about ... hmm, going to work in the morning. or watching reality tv. as in, i'd really rather not. much better things to do.

 

I think it must be me ...

[Mr. Lucky]

but i don't know how to get back that feeling i had for him before, you know, looking at him and feeling lucky and special - rather than now, where i look at him and feel nothing. numb. bored. like i'm looking at a stranger - someone i don't know and don't care about.

I think that's the crush talking. One of the first things I read when I joined here was that love is not a noun, it's a verb. It's not a feeling, it's an action. Don't you think it's hypocritical for you to criticize his role in this and then say that your contribution will be...nothing?

 

A structured environment like MC will give you a much greater chance of success. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[caged tiger]

ha! no-one likes to be toldthey're wrong ... but of course you are right! this is why just writing about it is helping. I hadn't even seen that I was being hypocritical. my mind is such a fog these days, I couldn't see past my face.

 

of course we are both to blame. i know that. i don't like admitting it, but i know it. i have to make an effort, if only for all the family and freinds at our wedding who would do anything to keep us together - I have to make the same effort for everyone's sake. (we live in a very strong community).

 

and i think you're right about the crush making H look worse. like when i think about crush, he seems so colourful and sparkly. and in comparison H is only ever going to look grey, mainly because I'm so used to him and it's familiar. maybe it's my outlook that needs adjustment.

 

in fact, the more i articulate these thoughts on paper (screen), the more i feel convinced that we are going to have to find the money for MC. it's a worthy cause, right? if one of us had cancer, we'd find a way. the breakdown of our marriage could be just as damaging.

 

thankyou for your help, Mr Lucky. thanks for letting me vent! will keep you posted

[soda]

besides the whole 'wanting to sleep with a younger, sexier man' thing, i just hate my relationship so much. he never listens to me, he stares at the tv or his video games all the time, even when i try to talk to him about everything that's wrong he gets all sentimental and tells me he loves me, but nothing ever changes. he doesn't understand that all i need to do is talk about it, he's always trying to tell me i'm wrong or i'm overreacting or i'm being childish.

thanks for listening

 

It sounds like you're both being selfish about your own unproductive pleasures.

 

The OM doesn't want you, and I doubt that your husband is willing to give you up over food and video games. In other words, you are both acting silly and immature. Why not put all this energy into your marriage instead of things that you'd be embarrassed to talk about on your death bed?

 

Seriously, I was ready to consider your side...but I just can't see it. You are fostering a silly, teenage-like crush over someone who is repulsed enough by you to admit it conversation.

 

Yes, this was mean. However, no one seems willing to give you or your husband the reality check that you need. You'll thank me later.

[caged tiger]

soda, i'm not perfect. no-one is. of course we're being selfish and immature - who doesn't at some point? but it was a bit harsh ... and what's the death bed got to do with it? I am neither a teenager nor stupid.

 

the thing is, this isn't just new. this is ongoing. the way he talks to me, the way he ignores me when i say his name five times just to get his attention ... sometimes he ignores me just for fun, to annoy me. he told me. when it happens once, it annoys. when it happens week after week, you get frustrated. when it has been happening for years and years, like this has, it gets to the point where i feel emotionally neglected day after day after day, and i wonder if there is a possibility i will be facing another 50 years of such treatment. it makes me lash out at him ... another 50 years of treating him like this, when i promised i would never hurt him.

 

and, just for my own pride, OM isn't repulsed by me. we are close friends. we had a conversation a few months ago about what type of person we find attractive. i'm not his type. quite simple. no need to be rude, soda

 

as for a reality check, what do you think MR Lucky's been doing? why do you think I'm considering MC? Why do you think I'm even on this forum?

[caged tiger]

oh and one other thing ... it may be a silly crush but that doesn't make it go away. i am well aware of the fact it means nothing in the real world. and if you read my first post again, you'll see i never mentioned - indeed i have never considered - actually attempting to go for it. that would be the stupidest thing I can imagine doing. for so many reasons.

[Lucky_One]

A thought.

 

Marriage counseling is a lot cheaper than a divorce attorney, maintaining two households in a bad economy, and replenishing divided up household goods.

[toughchoices]

 

and, just for my own pride, OM isn't repulsed by me. we are close friends. we had a conversation a few months ago about what type of person we find attractive. i'm not his type. quite simple. no need to be rude, soda

 

 

Coming from a man my response is: He is a man, you are a woman, therefore you ARE his type. Kind of crude but think about it. I am sure many others out there affected by affairs would agree. If not I apologize.

 

I relate to your situation in so many ways. I have been battling a crush for almost 9 months. I work with this person. Nothing going on just as in your situation and the other person has no idea how I feel. In fact she recently remarried a couple months after my crush started to intensify. This affected me and I know it shouldn't but it did. Going further: I also no longer wish to be intimate with my wife and alot of it is her physical appearance now (weight) and not even attempting to do anything about it. Half a day on a diet that crashes and burns by dinner is not my idea of a good effort. I also have been searching my heart and I know the crush is part of the resentment I feel at times for my wife. The crush would never work to fulfill my needs on so many levels and I constantly remind myself of this.

 

My wife and I did try MC. Started with a couple of weeks of IC and then I think it was just 2-3 sessions with both of us. By the second session when the counselor had her not interrupt me and let my finish my point/thought it was all over. My wife hasn't been back since but I have stuck with the IC and it is helping. Doesn't so much help with the marriage right now but I am finding out about me and how I work and what I need to change. You might get similar benefits. The hardest part now is that the day to day aspect of our marriage is better, I think, due to the IC for me. However, my feelings for my wife or lack thereof hasn't really changed. I feel so awful that I still want out but she is so happy and loves me desperately. I guess in my case the counseling didn't really help overall. It would be easier to get out if we still fought constantly.

 

Is there anyway to limit the crush from being around with you and your H? This might help somewhat but it seems he will be in the picture for the foreseeable future.

[caged tiger]

Lucky One, you are so right!

 

TC, thanks for your comments. another of my friends recently made the same observation, about the types, but I think whether or not he is attracted to me is irrelevant, since nothing is going to happen anyway. so i'm not going to dwell on that question.

 

crush is certainly in the picture for the long haul - he spoke at our wedding and fits into the "long term best mates" category for both of us. I could try to limit contact but I would be afraid it would raise questions, and my husband might get the *right* idea As I mentioned, he knows I have a crush but he doesn't know who it is, I don't want to make it unbearably awkward between them.

 

it was actually H who first suggested MC. I have a feeling he has such a strong belief in us, that he wouldn't give up counselling for personal reasons. he'd stick to it if it was helping; he believes strongly that we could never get divorced and he said to me the other day he would do anything to stop me from considering it. It's still just words at this stage but perhaps MC would convince him that actions are worth the effort.

 

Am feeling better this week due to increased affection from H. I think I really scared him and this may be the beginning of a long period of change. I hope so anyway. Thinking about it rationally (through this forum and discussing it with friends - which I never did before out of discretion but I have done now out of desperation) I realise that our partnership is more important than any half-baked desires to sleep around like I did when I was "young and hot". Obviously this doesn't go for everyone's marriage, but ours used to be so strong I thought nothing could dent it. I want to get back to that, H says he does too. I'm pretty sure there might be something salvageable here.

 

Thanks for all your support and I will keep posting for therapy purposes if nothing else