*sigh*

[animefan123]

I don't know what to do about my current situation and I don't have any friends or family that i can talk to and you guys seem pretty nice, so I thought I'd vent a little here.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now (yikes!). I've know him since junior high and we got together my senior year of high school. I actually moved out of my parents house and to another state to be with him. (want more background, just ask ) During my x-mas break of senior year, I found out I pregnant and around this time he started telling me things about himself which I did not know. Like his wishing he had been born a girl, then moving on to how he was attracted to guys. So I guess I've kinda known since the beginning that he's probably gay. (ok, not probably but is). He's overcome some VERY big emotional problems since then. During high school he suffered from SEVERE social anxiety, when through some phases of quite serious thought about suicide and the like. So on and so forth. Anyway, fast forward to the present. We now have 2 kids, he's in school trying to finish his engineering degree, and I'll be starting the nursing program next year and in the meantime work full time.

Now on to my predicament. In simple terms, I feel trapped. I love him, yes, but not like it used to be, it's kind of like a friendly love I guess. I feel like all we do is go through the motions of being a in a relationship without really having one. We haven't had sex ina bout a year, and anytime we are even remotely intimate, all he wants to do is talk about his fantasies of guys. I'm getting really sick of it, but he makes me feel guilty if I dont indulge him. I don't know what to do. I want out, but I don't know how to do it. We've broken up once before because of some of this stuff, but in the end he kind of guilted me back into a relationship. I feel like I do everything and have given up everything just so he can do what he wants. I dont feel like I have any real say about anything that goes on. I guess I can say at least he helps out with the kids now. But I still do EVERYTHING around the house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, take the kids to school, pick them up. But I feel like it's my responsibility because I told him he could quit his part-time job so he could focus solely on school. I feel like I'm rambling, and I probably am. So what do I do? *sigh*

[TigerCub]

Well when he's talked about other guys and stuff, hasn't the option of you two breaking up so that he can be in a relationship with a guy ever come up?

 

I mean you say you feel trapped, and that you guys are just going through the motions of a "relationship" - a sexless relationship, but a "relationship" non the less, I just don't understand why you can't just break up (remaining on good terms and sharing responsibility with the kids), and that way you can find a man that you can have a complete relationship with and so can he. Besides, living a lie, is nothing to teach your kids. I think your bf needs to just come to peace with who he really is and for you both to find the right people for you. Otherwise you're just wasting your lives.

[curiousnycgirl]

First question is what do you want to do? Do you want to fix this relationship or cut bait and run? Either answer is fine - but clearly your next steps would be different depending on which you want.

 

So if you want to stay - how about letting him know that his discussing his fantasies about guys may be tantalizing for him, it has a negative impact on you. You can then go futher by saying that you really need this relationship to be a real relationship - which means both of you need to put in effort to making it work for the other person.

 

Also telling him he can quit his job to focus on his degree does not mean you've agreed to be a single parent AND sole provider. why is he not helping with the kids?! This goes with putting forth effort.

 

If you want out of the relationship - then develop a plan. Where will you live? Will you take your children with you? Will you need to stay fairly close to him so he can see the kids too? Do you have a support system if you move further away? How will you pursue your degree? These are all answerable questions - you just need to have a plan and follow it.

 

Hope this helped, even a little, good luck and keep posting!

[manugeorge]

Agree with TigerCub, what is wrong with sharing custody of the kids while leading seperate lives, i.e., divorce? I mean unless you don't want romance in your life, I'm not exactly sure how can make this work. He can't suddenly become "ungay" if you think he is infact gay, how do you work on that?.

[toughchoices]

Once he is done with school and no longer needs your support he might all of a sudden "find himself" and leave you cold for another man. This is something you might want to prepare for. Take action now as others have suggested and lookout for your own needs and those of the kids.

[Ronni_W]

I'm getting really sick of it, but he makes me feel guilty if I dont indulge him. ...in the end he kind of guilted me back into a relationship.

What I'm reading is that it is your own guilt that is the primary thing that is keeping you stuck -- you are allowing him to control what goes on inside yourself -- you end up letting your feelings of guilt win out over your responsibility to liberate yourself.

 

To me, that would indicate that you may do well to be learning ways to resist it when he manipulates you into your guilty feelings. You do deserve so much more, for the rest of your life, than what you're describing you now have. It's about building your esteem, confidence and courage so that you will feel good and worthy of fighting (standing up for) for your own needs and desires (instead of just always caving into his.)

 

Whether he is gay, straight or bi, his needs are NOT more important than yours...so there is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty when you decide to take care of your needs instead of his. You are worth taking care of your own needs and desires.

 

Since you have been allowing him to use your feelings against you, and have been feeling guilty for so long, yes, it will be a challenge to overcome that, and to start accepting and honouring your own value and worth, instead. But you can do it. And you NEED to do it, if you want to ensure your own happy and successful future.

 

Hugs and best of luck.