he's not ready (i think), but i am...

[keechie]

hello. i've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and i'm hoping for an outsider's perspective.

 

to start off, i'm 25 and he's 30. i would very much like to get married. rather, not just married, but married to him. marriage isn't something i take lightly, but i was never the kind of little girl who dreamed about her wedding day since she was 5 either. we don't live together, but we do stay the night at each other's apartments about 3-4 nights a week on average. we sort of share a car, but that's only because i was looking to get rid of it, and he wanted it. (we've already agreed that if we break up, it's his to keep.)

 

i haven't brought it up to him except for once back in march. the last thing i would want to do is make him feel like i'm trying to push him into something. when i brought it up, i asked him if he could see me in his future in 5 years, and he said "most likely." that launched into a conversation that ended up with him telling me that he wasn't ready yet, but he wouldn't make me wait a long time either. he said that he could see us married within 5 years. at the same time though, he seemed really uncomfortable that i even started talking about it, and that's why i haven't brought it up since then.

 

what is bothering me is that since then, he hasn't made any mention of anything future-related, and he's made comments that seem like marriage is the furthest thing from his mind. i can't tell if he was joking, or if he told me the 5 year thing just to placate me. also, he just took me on a sort of expensive trip to vegas (which was really sweet of him), so i highly doubt that he has any money left for an engagment ring any time soon.

 

i know that he has always wanted to get married someday, so it's not that he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. some of our friends have gotten engaged in the past 6 months, so i don't know if he's waiting for the right time for us, and that makes him uncomfortable, but it shouldn't matter what our friends are doing... i feel like we should be doing what's best for us. (for example, his one friend proposed to his girlfriend after only 4 months, and made a comment to my boyfriend that made him feel like he had waited too long with me or something, and that he must not be as certain, which i thought was total bull.)

 

i realize i probably just need to really talk to him again, if it is bothering me this much. how should i go about doing this? i don't want to make him uncomfortable, because our relationship has been at a really good point for the past 8-9 months, and i don't want to ruin that. at the same time, i do believe that 2 years should be enough time to be able to at least talk about marriage openly, and whether or not it's really right for us. i also would like to know if he really meant it when he said that he sees us married in 5 years. he's also 30, so it's not like he's 22 and still in party mode.

 

should i bring it up again, or would i do more harm than good in doing that? do his actions seem more like he's not even interested in being engaged any time soon?

 

thanks.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm in the same boat you are, 2 years into a relationship with a man who isn't ready to marry me. It sucks.

 

You already had a talk with him, continuously asking him about it is going to make him feel pressured. He told you he wasn't ready yet, but he wouldn't make you wait a long time either. There is your answer. I think that was pretty clear. He is uncomfortable because he isn't ready. BELIEVE ME, I feel your pain. You did get a clear answer from him though, my bf is lot more wishy washy about it then that.

 

It's hard to keep wondering about it and want to talk about it. I know I feel that way. I want to keep probing for more info, but the truth of the matter is he gave you a straight answer. He said he would see you guys being married within 5 years, if you want to be married sooner than that, then you have to see whether or not staying in the relationship is worth it. You said you wanted to be married TO HIM, so is he worth waiting for?

[Depth of Insight]

I am one of those "on the fence" men in my current relationship (she wants to get married, I feel uncertain).

 

The hardest thing for me over the last year has been the increase in pressure to make a decision--it has warped my ability to "feel it." Besides for the "logical" reasons (which we have) I think that I must "feel that this is right" in order to do it. I'm not sure yet how to get to that point, but I'm working on it. What I do know from my own experience is that an increase in pressure only makes it more difficult to get there.

 

We're going to try living together (not long-term) but for a few months to see if that makes me feel more comfortable and "right" about pursuing marriage. I don't know yet how it's going to work it, so I can't recommend this course of action. I will say that our talking has greatly helped, though, because subliminal, indirect pleasure only adds to the uncomfortableness of the relationship.

 

I know this isn't much help, but I just wanted to give you the perspective from a wishy-washy man in that situation.

[Lauriebell82]

I am one of those "on the fence" men in my current relationship (she wants to get married, I feel uncertain).

 

The hardest thing for me over the last year has been the increase in pressure to make a decision--it has warped my ability to "feel it." Besides for the "logical" reasons (which we have) I think that I must "feel that this is right" in order to do it. I'm not sure yet how to get to that point, but I'm working on it. What I do know from my own experience is that an increase in pressure only makes it more difficult to get there.

 

We're going to try living together (not long-term) but for a few months to see if that makes me feel more comfortable and "right" about pursuing marriage. I don't know yet how it's going to work it, so I can't recommend this course of action. I will say that our talking has greatly helped, though, because subliminal, indirect pleasure only adds to the uncomfortableness of the relationship.

 

I know this isn't much help, but I just wanted to give you the perspective from a wishy-washy man in that situation.

 

Is it something your girlfriend is doing that is making you feel this way? I'm just wondering what makes a guy feel "wishy washy" about marriage. Is it fear of committment? Or scared? I think both I and the OP could benefit from hearing more about what your fears are regarding marriage.

[Depth of Insight]

I'll do my best to reply, but I admit it's been a bit of a struggle myself to figure out "why?" -- I would much rather feel certain and secure (like she does) in moving forward -- it would make life so much easier!

 

I can tell you the range of feelings I have felt, without being able to define precisely the CAUSE of those feelings (just yet). I will say this -- I felt a change in our relationship around 6mos-1year into it and I have never quite recovered (this was also the time pressure for marriage started). At first, I thought my reluctance had to do with her prior marriage and my slow acceptance of that situation (I have never been married). I sought therapy over this and, very slowly, started moving towards believing that it would be different if she married me (she left her ex-husband, not for anything he did, but because she realized she made a "mistake").

 

I also felt a slow clenching around my neck from my impression of a high neediness and pressure. I became concerned that I would have no space, that she was too demanding of my time, and that I would feel unhappy.

 

Then, I went through the "it must be me" stage. The girl is great, we get along fantastic, and "on paper" we mesh in every appropriate way. I felt the "do I really want to get married and infuse my life with someone?"

 

I got over that, and had a realization that maybe there is something in this relationship that is missing, and it could be simply that I have not shared with her the range of feelings I have been through (while going through them). I am absolutely 100% committed to the relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to enhance the intimacy. That's where we are now.

 

This may sound crazy, but I feel like my "hanging in there" while going through this internal torture is making me a better man. I know I am not the type to "cut and run" when things get tough, and I do feel like there is more value in committing DESPITE doubts. I mean, heck, it's easy to do something that you already WANT to do, but harder to push through when there are concerns.

 

However, I have to say that it has been difficult since we are not on "the same page" and I think that is a broad problem. When we communicate about our feelings, I share more confusion and she shares more certainty. It makes me feel even more alone (as I am sure she does as well).

 

These are just some of the thoughts and feelings I have been through. What's frustrating is that these things flip around from day to day and I am not able to find a cause for it. I do know that it's not about my desire to get married, but about my desire to feel comfortable about the situation. I don't want to be in a wishy-washy situation forever -- I think it is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for her.

 

Anyway, I'm at work and I could write all day on this. Feel free to ask me some more specific questions as this is helpful for me also.

[Lauriebell82]

I'll do my best to reply, but I admit it's been a bit of a struggle myself to figure out "why?" -- I would much rather feel certain and secure (like she does) in moving forward -- it would make life so much easier!

 

I can tell you the range of feelings I have felt, without being able to define precisely the CAUSE of those feelings (just yet). I will say this -- I felt a change in our relationship around 6mos-1year into it and I have never quite recovered (this was also the time pressure for marriage started). At first, I thought my reluctance had to do with her prior marriage and my slow acceptance of that situation (I have never been married). I sought therapy over this and, very slowly, started moving towards believing that it would be different if she married me (she left her ex-husband, not for anything he did, but because she realized she made a "mistake").

 

I also felt a slow clenching around my neck from my impression of a high neediness and pressure. I became concerned that I would have no space, that she was too demanding of my time, and that I would feel unhappy.

 

Then, I went through the "it must be me" stage. The girl is great, we get along fantastic, and "on paper" we mesh in every appropriate way. I felt the "do I really want to get married and infuse my life with someone?"

 

I got over that, and had a realization that maybe there is something in this relationship that is missing, and it could be simply that I have not shared with her the range of feelings I have been through (while going through them). I am absolutely 100% committed to the relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to enhance the intimacy. That's where we are now.

 

This may sound crazy, but I feel like my "hanging in there" while going through this internal torture is making me a better man. I know I am not the type to "cut and run" when things get tough, and I do feel like there is more value in committing DESPITE doubts. I mean, heck, it's easy to do something that you already WANT to do, but harder to push through when there are concerns.

 

However, I have to say that it has been difficult since we are not on "the same page" and I think that is a broad problem. When we communicate about our feelings, I share more confusion and she shares more certainty. It makes me feel even more alone (as I am sure she does as well).

 

These are just some of the thoughts and feelings I have been through. What's frustrating is that these things flip around from day to day and I am not able to find a cause for it. I do know that it's not about my desire to get married, but about my desire to feel comfortable about the situation. I don't want to be in a wishy-washy situation forever -- I think it is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for her.

 

Anyway, I'm at work and I could write all day on this. Feel free to ask me some more specific questions as this is helpful for me also.

 

Hey, I hate to high jack this person's thread, you don't have PM unfortunately. Anyway, I'm starting to obsess now over the fact why my boyfriend can't be ready. Your gf is probably very confused, as I am. Women tend to internalize a man's hesistance to get married, thinking there is something wrong with her and that she is "unmarriable." That's how I feel with my boyfriend. Is it the committment you are scared about? Maybe my BF feels pressure because it is up to him whether or not we get engaged/married. Do you feel that kind of pressure?

 

I'm so confused, I feel like because our relationship is just at a stand still. I'm really trying not to put pressure on him. He is making jokes now that we have to wait until his grandma passes away to get married. (he doesn't want her to find out he drinks, because she is against it.) I don't know if he is serious or not, but I feel like he is torturing me.

[Depth of Insight]

It's really more complicated than "is it me?" -- but I understand why you would feel concern. I understand why my GF would take it "personally" -- absolutely.

 

I don't know the circumstances with your bf and whether his thoughts are similar to mine. I'm sure he is just as confused as I am. Therapy helped a little for me but not a lot. We had some legit issues early in our relationship, but I'm not sure what role they play now (I think they still play a role, though).

 

I agree that it would be helpful to talk with someone "on the other side." My e-mail is [email protected] if they let me post it.

[keechie]

Hey, I hate to high jack this person's thread, you don't have PM unfortunately. Anyway, I'm starting to obsess now over the fact why my boyfriend can't be ready. Your gf is probably very confused, as I am. Women tend to internalize a man's hesistance to get married, thinking there is something wrong with her and that she is "unmarriable." That's how I feel with my boyfriend. Is it the committment you are scared about? Maybe my BF feels pressure because it is up to him whether or not we get engaged/married. Do you feel that kind of pressure?

 

I'm so confused, I feel like because our relationship is just at a stand still. I'm really trying not to put pressure on him. He is making jokes now that we have to wait until his grandma passes away to get married. (he doesn't want her to find out he drinks, because she is against it.) I don't know if he is serious or not, but I feel like he is torturing me.

 

 

haha, you're not highjacking this thread at all! i'm finding this all to be incredibly helpful. like you, i'm starting to obsess about it too. and i can't bring it up to him, so i keep it to myself, which makes it worse! if i start thinking about it for awhile, it only serves to put me in a funk, which isn't helping the situation. then if i try to forget about it for awhile, i start to really enjoy and appreciate my relationship and it comes creeping back, because then i start thinking about how much i love him, and how even more wonderful things could be if we got married. i mean, why wouldn't you want to declare to the world how much this person means to you? and then i think that if that's how i feel, then does he not love me as much as i love him? because obviously he doesn't feel that urge like i do. it's not about the status symbol of being married, and it's not about having the frilly wedding, (though it does sound like fun to plan). rather, it's ultimately about the him and the us.

 

i know my boyfriend did say the 5 year thing 6 months ago, but i really don't know that i should count on that, because he makes jokes similar to your boyfriend's, which make it seem like he'd rather not be engaged for a long time. for example, a couple of weeks ago our friends, (who actually met through us- my best friend and his friend) were talking about planning their wedding, and he said that it all sounded so complicated, and that must mean he's not the marrying kind. or if we are in a public place with kids or something, he'll say things like, "babies are so gross! look what marriage does to people!" as though marriage and babies are one and the same, and that all married people are tired, cranky, run down parents. honestly, i'm not sure if i even want kids, or more than just 1 kid, but i know that i want marriage, and i don't envision marriage as an automatic shift into letting yourself go, as he seems to see it, judging by the comments he sometimes makes.

[keechie]

I'll do my best to reply, but I admit it's been a bit of a struggle myself to figure out "why?" -- I would much rather feel certain and secure (like she does) in moving forward -- it would make life so much easier!

 

I can tell you the range of feelings I have felt, without being able to define precisely the CAUSE of those feelings (just yet). I will say this -- I felt a change in our relationship around 6mos-1year into it and I have never quite recovered (this was also the time pressure for marriage started). At first, I thought my reluctance had to do with her prior marriage and my slow acceptance of that situation (I have never been married). I sought therapy over this and, very slowly, started moving towards believing that it would be different if she married me (she left her ex-husband, not for anything he did, but because she realized she made a "mistake").

 

I also felt a slow clenching around my neck from my impression of a high neediness and pressure. I became concerned that I would have no space, that she was too demanding of my time, and that I would feel unhappy.

 

Then, I went through the "it must be me" stage. The girl is great, we get along fantastic, and "on paper" we mesh in every appropriate way. I felt the "do I really want to get married and infuse my life with someone?"

 

I got over that, and had a realization that maybe there is something in this relationship that is missing, and it could be simply that I have not shared with her the range of feelings I have been through (while going through them). I am absolutely 100% committed to the relationship, and willing to do whatever it takes to enhance the intimacy. That's where we are now.

 

This may sound crazy, but I feel like my "hanging in there" while going through this internal torture is making me a better man. I know I am not the type to "cut and run" when things get tough, and I do feel like there is more value in committing DESPITE doubts. I mean, heck, it's easy to do something that you already WANT to do, but harder to push through when there are concerns.

 

However, I have to say that it has been difficult since we are not on "the same page" and I think that is a broad problem. When we communicate about our feelings, I share more confusion and she shares more certainty. It makes me feel even more alone (as I am sure she does as well).

 

These are just some of the thoughts and feelings I have been through. What's frustrating is that these things flip around from day to day and I am not able to find a cause for it. I do know that it's not about my desire to get married, but about my desire to feel comfortable about the situation. I don't want to be in a wishy-washy situation forever -- I think it is just as uncomfortable for me as it is for her.

 

Anyway, I'm at work and I could write all day on this. Feel free to ask me some more specific questions as this is helpful for me also.

 

 

thank you for giving your perspective on this. i do have one question... when you say you started feeling the time pressure for getting married- was it anything she did? what caused you to be concerned that you would have no space or time? i think a lot of times (judging from what i've seen in my friends and in myself), girls aren't aware of how they come off, and when their boyfriend tells them that they are acting needy, it comes as a surprise. haha, is there even a way to ask a guy for a basic timeline for the relationship, in which he feels no pressure?

[Sunshine11]

Thank you all for posting! Keep it up! I am ALSO in a similar situation. We've been together a year-and-a-half, and we've known each other for almost two years. I'm 26, he's 31.

 

I can tell you I no longer get comments from my boyfriend about how much marriage sucks. I even made a comment last weekend about hoping to keep him around for awhile, and I think I caught a bashful grin. And, I found out July 4th, after he'd been drinking a bit, that he intends on having children--with me. (That was exciting! Even though I know he's not crazy about chilrden--he does still make comments about how much having little kids around is no fun.) All his good friends are married, except two: one's a pot-head engineer, and the other is his brother, who is talking marriage with his girlfriend. My friends are starting to get engaged.

 

I KNOW he's not ready yet. But I'm hopeful.

 

Here's one catch: we're med students. Neither of us will have an income above $43,000/year + all our student loans for about seven or eight more years. And men tend to not like to settle down until they're financially stable. By then I'll be within two to three years of having high risk pregnancies.

 

Anyhow, enough ranting.

 

My biggest piece of hopeful advice that I cling to: I read somewhere that the average time for a man to propose is: 3 years, 3 months, and 20 days. So that means: we still have at least a year to go before we even hit that average benchmark!

 

The bottom line: just as our helpful, torn, male poster has reiterated, men take longer, they are less sure for longer, they are concerned about losing autonomy, losing pieces of who they are, and losing the things about life they enjoy. Give them time. When it comes down to it, it's not about being married; it's about the relationship.

 

With that said, I'm going to shelve away the email I read today from a friend of mine from college who just proposed to his girlfriend last night--they've been dating for three years.

[Lauriebell82]

haha, you're not highjacking this thread at all! i'm finding this all to be incredibly helpful. like you, i'm starting to obsess about it too. and i can't bring it up to him, so i keep it to myself, which makes it worse! if i start thinking about it for awhile, it only serves to put me in a funk, which isn't helping the situation. then if i try to forget about it for awhile, i start to really enjoy and appreciate my relationship and it comes creeping back, because then i start thinking about how much i love him, and how even more wonderful things could be if we got married. i mean, why wouldn't you want to declare to the world how much this person means to you? and then i think that if that's how i feel, then does he not love me as much as i love him? because obviously he doesn't feel that urge like i do. it's not about the status symbol of being married, and it's not about having the frilly wedding, (though it does sound like fun to plan). rather, it's ultimately about the him and the us.

 

i know my boyfriend did say the 5 year thing 6 months ago, but i really don't know that i should count on that, because he makes jokes similar to your boyfriend's, which make it seem like he'd rather not be engaged for a long time. for example, a couple of weeks ago our friends, (who actually met through us- my best friend and his friend) were talking about planning their wedding, and he said that it all sounded so complicated, and that must mean he's not the marrying kind. or if we are in a public place with kids or something, he'll say things like, "babies are so gross! look what marriage does to people!" as though marriage and babies are one and the same, and that all married people are tired, cranky, run down parents. honestly, i'm not sure if i even want kids, or more than just 1 kid, but i know that i want marriage, and i don't envision marriage as an automatic shift into letting yourself go, as he seems to see it, judging by the comments he sometimes makes.

 

It's good to talk to people in similar situations. Yeah, judging by his comments, I'd say he's scared, just as my boyfriend is. It SUCKS! We had a conversation the other day, and we were going to play tennis. I had on an old shirt that had ripped in the sleeves so I just cut them out and made it into like a tank top. So he saw what I was wearing and asked me why I had a ripped shirt on. I just said that we were going to go do something athletic so I didn't want to put something nice on. He went into this whole big speal about how he is afraid I'm going to start "Dressing down" and we are going to lose passion out of our relationship because we won't find each other attractive. Similar to what happens in marriage a lot, he said. It's like he pulls out excuses to try to keep convincing himself that he isn't ready for marriage. It's confusing. I feel similar to you do, like questioning is there something wrong with me, if I was a different person or acted differently would he want to marry me? Then he says how much he loves me and it's just like WHAT THE HECK!!!

 

A lot of people are telling me that 2 years isn't that long, that people wait much longer to get engaged. I am just scared that because he is so indecisive and keeps coming up with reasons to talk himself out of being ready for marriage that he will keep stalling and stalling. I'm afraid of ending up like one of those girls in an 8 year relationship wondering where the hell her ring is.

 

All I can say is NOT to pressure him or he will bolt. I feel like when guys tell you that they will propose "someday" it should be enough, but it totally isn't. I feel like he's holding it over my head and making it more difficult to wait. I'm sorry I don't have any real sound advice for you, only support, as I am feeling exactly what you are.

[norajane]

Everyone doesn't run on the same timetable. You can't expect someone to be 'ready' for marriage, just because you are.

 

You asked him if he could see you married in 5 years...did you ask him what he saw for himself in 5 years in terms of career, home, lifestyle? Odds are, he may not have given that much thought either.

 

Some men are the types that want to marry and seal the deal with the woman they are with. Other men don't think that way and see marriage as a huge lifetime commitment and you're asking them about it when they can't even commit to what they'll be doing next week.

 

The latter need a lot more time to work through their anxieties and fears about what marriage means to them, and how it will change their lives, even if only psychologically. That's what all those 'marriage sucks' kinds of comments are - him getting his fears out and working through them. If you don't give them the time to come to terms with marriage, they will only feel pressure to 'give up' the illusion of freedom they have, rather than embracing what marriage to you would be.

 

The best thing you can do is enjoy your relationship with him and let him enjoy it. If he's not enjoying being with you (because you keep stressing him out by asking when when when he'll be ready, either directly or more subtly), he's NEVER going to be ready to marry. All you can do is BE with him. And if, one day, you get tired of waiting, then you tell him you want marriage and children in your future and it appears he doesn't, so you have to break up with him.

 

But why worry about that NOW? You're not remotely interested in leaving him, so just BE with him and ENJOY each other.

[Lauriebell82]

Everyone doesn't run on the same timetable. You can't expect someone to be 'ready' for marriage, just because you are.

 

You asked him if he could see you married in 5 years...did you ask him what he saw for himself in 5 years in terms of career, home, lifestyle? Odds are, he may not have given that much thought either.

 

Some men are the types that want to marry and seal the deal with the woman they are with. Other men don't think that way and see marriage as a huge lifetime commitment and you're asking them about it when they can't even commit to what they'll be doing next week.

 

The latter need a lot more time to work through their anxieties and fears about what marriage means to them, and how it will change their lives, even if only psychologically. That's what all those 'marriage sucks' kinds of comments are - him getting his fears out and working through them. If you don't give them the time to come to terms with marriage, they will only feel pressure to 'give up' the illusion of freedom they have, rather than embracing what marriage to you would be.

 

The best thing you can do is enjoy your relationship with him and let him enjoy it. If he's not enjoying being with you (because you keep stressing him out by asking when when when he'll be ready, either directly or more subtly), he's NEVER going to be ready to marry. All you can do is BE with him. And if, one day, you get tired of waiting, then you tell him you want marriage and children in your future and it appears he doesn't, so you have to break up with him.

 

But why worry about that NOW? You're not remotely interested in leaving him, so just BE with him and ENJOY each other.

 

That is very good advice Norajane, for all of us! I think the other poster may feel this too, but when I enjoy the moment and just enjoy the relationship, we have SO MUCH fun!!! It's when I start obsessing and agonizing that may indirectly put pressure on him, even though I don't talk about how I'm feeling with him. I'm trying to work on pushing those thoughts of my head, but it is very hard to do.

[Sunshine11]

Everyone doesn't run on the same timetable. You can't expect someone to be 'ready' for marriage, just because you are.

 

You asked him if he could see you married in 5 years...did you ask him what he saw for himself in 5 years in terms of career, home, lifestyle? Odds are, he may not have given that much thought either.

 

Some men are the types that want to marry and seal the deal with the woman they are with. Other men don't think that way and see marriage as a huge lifetime commitment and you're asking them about it when they can't even commit to what they'll be doing next week.

 

The latter need a lot more time to work through their anxieties and fears about what marriage means to them, and how it will change their lives, even if only psychologically. That's what all those 'marriage sucks' kinds of comments are - him getting his fears out and working through them. If you don't give them the time to come to terms with marriage, they will only feel pressure to 'give up' the illusion of freedom they have, rather than embracing what marriage to you would be.

 

The best thing you can do is enjoy your relationship with him and let him enjoy it. If he's not enjoying being with you (because you keep stressing him out by asking when when when he'll be ready, either directly or more subtly), he's NEVER going to be ready to marry. All you can do is BE with him. And if, one day, you get tired of waiting, then you tell him you want marriage and children in your future and it appears he doesn't, so you have to break up with him.

 

But why worry about that NOW? You're not remotely interested in leaving him, so just BE with him and ENJOY each other.

 

I agree--this is great advice. And I agree with Lauriebelle as well--the best part about being with my boyfriend is just that: BEing with him. But it's hard not to go through phases when I just wish he would propose, so I can stop guessing, and make my decisions based on a (relatively) plannable future. Especially when our friends are getting engaged, married, and having children. I know everyone goes at their own pace, and all relationships are very different, and that's partly what makes ours so special to us. It's just tough to remember all that all the time.

[Siciliana]

Ladies, I would not place a whole lot of stock in a marriage certificate; after all, it is only a piece of paper. You do not need it to declare your love to the world. You do not need the statue of your state to tell you that this is the man that you love and who loves you. You do not need it to have children or be with him for the rest of your life.

 

Have you ever considered, maybe, having a ceremony with just the two of you? Sharing vows and trading rings without anyone around, or any statues telling you your love is real?

 

I know it sounds off the wall, but maybe if he sees that is what marriage really is, he won't be so aprehensive to do it again infront of the friends and family. And, maybe you will be sated, until then, knowing that he said those words to you.

 

Just a suggestion. Good luck and I hope you all stop feeling so bad about it. It would be nice to see what Depth of Insight thinks of my suggestion.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree--this is great advice. And I agree with Lauriebelle as well--the best part about being with my boyfriend is just that: BEing with him. But it's hard not to go through phases when I just wish he would propose, so I can stop guessing, and make my decisions based on a (relatively) plannable future. Especially when our friends are getting engaged, married, and having children. I know everyone goes at their own pace, and all relationships are very different, and that's partly what makes ours so special to us. It's just tough to remember all that all the time.

 

Yes, this is what I agonize over as well. My boyfriend and I have even made some plans for the future (moving to a smaller town), but it's the uncertainty of when that will occur, thats what drives me nuts. When I hear someone get engaged it's just like "ugh, another one." It's frustrating.

[norajane]

Yes, this is what I agonize over as well. My boyfriend and I have even made some plans for the future (moving to a smaller town), but it's the uncertainty of when that will occur, thats what drives me nuts. When I hear someone get engaged it's just like "ugh, another one." It's frustrating.

 

You are never going to have complete certainty and security. Even after you are married. Marriage licenses don't guarantee anything. New issues come up that create uncertainty and insecurity and always will.

 

Accept that life is full of uncertainty, and trust that things will work out for the best in the end, regardless of what that means. If bf ends up not wanting to get married, then you are better off leaving him and giving yourself a chance to meet someone else - that is for the best since you obviously wouldn't want to pressure him into marrying you. If bf decides he's ready, great, then that is for the best - BOTH of you wanting to get married and ready to.

 

Just stop worrying about what OTHER people are doing. So what if your friends are getting engaged? Why does that burn you up so much?

[Sunshine11]

You are never going to have complete certainty and security. Even after you are married. Marriage licenses don't guarantee anything. New issues come up that create uncertainty and insecurity and always will.

 

Accept that life is full of uncertainty, and trust that things will work out for the best in the end, regardless of what that means. If bf ends up not wanting to get married, then you are better off leaving him and giving yourself a chance to meet someone else - that is for the best since you obviously wouldn't want to pressure him into marrying you. If bf decides he's ready, great, then that is for the best - BOTH of you wanting to get married and ready to.

 

Just stop worrying about what OTHER people are doing. So what if your friends are getting engaged? Why does that burn you up so much?

 

Thank you for your insights--it definitely helps remind me of the perspectives that help me appreciate my relationship for what it is.

 

I think some of my issues are as follows:

1) I would like to have all my children within the next nine years (ideally 2-3), and I would like to do it within the legal and moral boundaries of marriage.

2) I would ideally like to take his last name if we get married, but I take my first of many licensing exams in June 2009. The more licensing exams I take, the harder it is to switch my name, and trace my credentials.

3) Friends getting engaged and married of course has no relevance or bearing on our relationship, but it subtly twists the knife on my hopes for the nearer, rather than further, future.

4) I appreciated your comment about having a small union, with just us and a witness, but he's not even to that point yet, so that's not an option at this point.

 

Anyhow, thanks for bringing your perspectives--it does help

[Maggs]

Well I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. It's been an almost relief to read it and see we're all going through this, albeit at different stages of the BF being 'not quite ready'.

 

My BF and I have been together a year and a half, the last 6 months of it being long distance because I had to move back to my home country (Canada). He's in the UK. I'm 29, he's 34. Before I left, there was lots of talking and joking on his part about getting married. And even seriously said things like I was the first person he's ever considered being married too. And a few jokes about babies as well. But since I left, the pressure of being long distance has gotten harder. And he's stopped talking about any kind of marriage. Which irritated me because I told him he made me think he was wanting to get married soon, rather than later, because of the things he was saying and the promises of us not being apart for very long. So that's been a really hard blow to take. Now he's saying that yes he still thinks he wants to marry me, but not yet.

 

So I'm going over for an extended visit in a few months, to live with him there for 3-4 months. Hopefully this will confirm my commitment to him and help him feel more secure in our relationship again. But it is hard, because unfortunately we will continue to be long distance until we decide to get engaged and be married. And after I come back from there, I'll probably have to get an apartment and move out of my parents so that means my travels there will be less, if not probably non-existent. So that leaves me in the boat of...well if we're barely going to see each other and we're just going to be further apart, is there any point in waiting for something that may or may not happen.

 

I think (as well as his family and friends) that most of his hesitation stems to the fact of how his ex burned him badly. The mother of his son. They weren't married, but she pulled a dirty trick on him. This was 7 yrs ago. He had a relationship in between the 2 of us, so it's not still fresh in his mind. Sometimes I feel that he's worried I'll do the same. And that he's putting me in the same category as her. And if he is, then I'm losing before I even have a chance to start!

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you for your insights--it definitely helps remind me of the perspectives that help me appreciate my relationship for what it is.

 

I think some of my issues are as follows:

1) I would like to have all my children within the next nine years (ideally 2-3), and I would like to do it within the legal and moral boundaries of marriage.

2) I would ideally like to take his last name if we get married, but I take my first of many licensing exams in June 2009. The more licensing exams I take, the harder it is to switch my name, and trace my credentials.

3) Friends getting engaged and married of course has no relevance or bearing on our relationship, but it subtly twists the knife on my hopes for the nearer, rather than further, future.

4) I appreciated your comment about having a small union, with just us and a witness, but he's not even to that point yet, so that's not an option at this point.

 

Anyhow, thanks for bringing your perspectives--it does help

 

I feel the same way. Unfortunately my one credential is already in my last name, and I'm up for my liscense in 2 years. Of course that's not a reason to get married, but it's still something that would make life easier for me.

 

That's a great way of putting it, that hearing others getting engaged twists the knife of hopes. It's hard to be at different points in your relationship. I had a good talk with my mom last night, and she said "Do you really feel like you can just walk away? He would not respond to you threatening to leave, so is it worth losing the life of your life?"

 

She is right, I would be absolutely miserable without him. Waiting is hard and agonizing, but compared to being without him it's nothing. Also my mom said if we aren't ready to have children yet, then waiting for him to be ready for marriage will be worth it to have him in my life. I'm really trying to tell myself all these things when I feel upset or start obsessing over the situation.

 

But girls, lets be glad we haven't been in our relationships for like 5 or 6 years! 1.5 years-2 years is nothing compared to that!!!

[norajane]

Try and look at this way: are you ready to have children? Now? Would you commit to having a child next year?

 

If not, then just as you are NOT READY for the commitment and responsibility that having children requires, neither are your bf's ready for the commitment and responsibility that marriage requires. And nothing you can say or do, and no amount of obsession about marriage, will get him ready. Just as nothing anyone could say or do would make you any more ready to have a child next year.

 

And just as with your not being ready to have a child, it's not because you don't want children with your partner. You're just not ready for it now. It's the same for your bf's about marriage. It's not that they don't want to marry you, but they are just not ready for it.

[Lauriebell82]

Try and look at this way: are you ready to have children? Now? Would you commit to having a child next year?

 

If not, then just as you are NOT READY for the commitment and responsibility that having children requires, neither are your bf's ready for the commitment and responsibility that marriage requires. And nothing you can say or do, and no amount of obsession about marriage, will get him ready. Just as nothing anyone could say or do would make you any more ready to have a child next year.

 

And just as with your not being ready to have a child, it's not because you don't want children with your partner. You're just not ready for it now. It's the same for your bf's about marriage. It's not that they don't want to marry you, but they are just not ready for it.

 

Again, very good advice. It's interesting because we are both on the same page regarding having children (4-5 years). We just aren't on the same page marriage-wise. This past weekend without him just made me realize how much he means to me. Married or not, I don't want to be with anyone else. So if it means waiting for him to be ready, I will.

 

He has already told me I'm not wasting my time, we have talked (in theory) regarding a wedding, we talk about the future and where we will live. I think those are all good signs. I'm just not sure where marriage fits to the equation, but I'll stick around to find out. Like my mom said, marriage won't really give me anything I don't already have besides a new last name.

[allina]

I'm coming in to this thread a bit late but I'm still unable to understand something. I feel like way too much focus is put on what women should do to get the guy to marry them. I understand wanting to get married, I'm happy about marring my bf one day. But some of you guys are treating your relationships like a race to the finish line (ie marriage) I feel like obsessing over "when? why not now? how long?" is taking so much joy out of the relationships. Not only is it odd to obsess over marriage after a year, it also takes away from the enjoyment of bonding and building a strong connection.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm coming in to this thread a bit late but I'm still unable to understand something. I feel like way too much focus is put on what women should do to get the guy to marry them. I understand wanting to get married, I'm happy about marring my bf one day. But some of you guys are treating your relationships like a race to the finish line (ie marriage) I feel like obsessing over "when? why not now? how long?" is taking so much joy out of the relationships. Not only is it odd to obsess over marriage after a year, it also takes away from the enjoyment of bonding and building a strong connection.

 

Lots of good points, Allina. You are right, that obsessing about it takes joy out of the relationship. It is much more enjoyable for me to just enjoy our relationship and have fun together without worrying about "where is this going?" This past weekend without him has made me realize that I'd rather have him in my life, then break up with him to find someone who will marry me right away.

 

That's good advice for any women in this situation.

[Sunshine11]

Well I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread. It's been an almost relief to read it and see we're all going through this, albeit at different stages of the BF being 'not quite ready'.

 

My BF and I have been together a year and a half, the last 6 months of it being long distance because I had to move back to my home country (Canada). He's in the UK. I'm 29, he's 34. Before I left, there was lots of talking and joking on his part about getting married. And even seriously said things like I was the first person he's ever considered being married too. And a few jokes about babies as well. But since I left, the pressure of being long distance has gotten harder. And he's stopped talking about any kind of marriage. Which irritated me because I told him he made me think he was wanting to get married soon, rather than later, because of the things he was saying and the promises of us not being apart for very long. So that's been a really hard blow to take. Now he's saying that yes he still thinks he wants to marry me, but not yet.

 

So I'm going over for an extended visit in a few months, to live with him there for 3-4 months. Hopefully this will confirm my commitment to him and help him feel more secure in our relationship again. But it is hard, because unfortunately we will continue to be long distance until we decide to get engaged and be married. And after I come back from there, I'll probably have to get an apartment and move out of my parents so that means my travels there will be less, if not probably non-existent. So that leaves me in the boat of...well if we're barely going to see each other and we're just going to be further apart, is there any point in waiting for something that may or may not happen.

 

I think (as well as his family and friends) that most of his hesitation stems to the fact of how his ex burned him badly. The mother of his son. They weren't married, but she pulled a dirty trick on him. This was 7 yrs ago. He had a relationship in between the 2 of us, so it's not still fresh in his mind. Sometimes I feel that he's worried I'll do the same. And that he's putting me in the same category as her. And if he is, then I'm losing before I even have a chance to start!

 

Wow, it sounds like you're in a sticky spot. I think living with him for a few months will certainly elucidate things quickly. Is there a reason you had to move back to Canada? Can you chat with him, and just bring up the subject, saying that you'd like to understand how your move has affected his feelings for you, and if it's been in a negative way, what would remedy that?

 

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck!