he's not ready (i think), but i am...

[Sunshine11]

I'm coming in to this thread a bit late but I'm still unable to understand something. I feel like way too much focus is put on what women should do to get the guy to marry them. I understand wanting to get married, I'm happy about marring my bf one day. But some of you guys are treating your relationships like a race to the finish line (ie marriage) I feel like obsessing over "when? why not now? how long?" is taking so much joy out of the relationships. Not only is it odd to obsess over marriage after a year, it also takes away from the enjoyment of bonding and building a strong connection.

 

Wow, I didn't realize that how I was coming across--thank you for calling me out on this one. I am not at all trying to figure out how to get my boyfriend to marry me; I'm just anxious to know if those are his intentions, and if so, to sort of get a rough timeline on it. (I'm a big planner; I like to have my schedule planned out, even if I don't stick to everything on there.) But I have no intentions of pushing him into anything--I want him to grow at his own pace, and to come to his own conclusions--I can't stand manipulation or coersion, and they certainly won't yield a good outcome.

 

And I also really enjoy being with him--in fact, being with my boyfriend is the best part about our relationship!

 

I'm just feeling a bit pressed for time, and many of my healthy child-bearing years will be really tightly regulated time-wise. Also, we spend a lot of time, money, and gas going back and forth between each other's places, and it'd be nice to just come 'home,' and not have to worry about packing clothes, or picking up the dog, or remembering her dog food, etc. Above all, I am really excited to hopefully spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, and I look forward to sharing my life with him. This is also a driving force for my hopefulness; not for any anxiety. I hope this clears up some of my motivations for doting on the idea of marriage!

[keechie]

Wow, I didn't realize that how I was coming across--thank you for calling me out on this one. I am not at all trying to figure out how to get my boyfriend to marry me; I'm just anxious to know if those are his intentions, and if so, to sort of get a rough timeline on it. (I'm a big planner; I like to have my schedule planned out, even if I don't stick to everything on there.) But I have no intentions of pushing him into anything--I want him to grow at his own pace, and to come to his own conclusions--I can't stand manipulation or coersion, and they certainly won't yield a good outcome.

 

And I also really enjoy being with him--in fact, being with my boyfriend is the best part about our relationship!

 

I'm just feeling a bit pressed for time, and many of my healthy child-bearing years will be really tightly regulated time-wise. Also, we spend a lot of time, money, and gas going back and forth between each other's places, and it'd be nice to just come 'home,' and not have to worry about packing clothes, or picking up the dog, or remembering her dog food, etc. Above all, I am really excited to hopefully spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, and I look forward to sharing my life with him. This is also a driving force for my hopefulness; not for any anxiety. I hope this clears up some of my motivations for doting on the idea of marriage!

 

 

i just have to add that everything you wrote here, i feel the same way. (even the part about going back and forth to each others' places- we both have cats that we jointly take care of, and some days we make like four trips in one day to make sure they get their 2 meals for the day!)

 

you're right - it's not about getting your boyfriend to marry you, rather, it would be nice to be able to find out if that's what he wants too, and if so, what would his basic timeline be. if one person wants to wait 5 years while the other only wants to wait 1 year, that's a difference that is significant enough to where it needs to be discussed, as we're talking about half a decade here. at the same time though, for a guy who is not ready at all, and hasn't been thinking about taking the next step, it is difficult to get him to talk about it with you in a setting where he isn't uncomfortable.

 

what can be done when you are the ready one in this situation? i suppose not much, other than talking about it and getting an outside perspective, which is precisely the reason i came here- because i don't want to pressure my guy into anything, but i would like to know what that "someday" means, and how others in this situation have handled it. i do love the advice here, and i have taken it to heart.

[Maggs]

Wow, it sounds like you're in a sticky spot. I think living with him for a few months will certainly elucidate things quickly. Is there a reason you had to move back to Canada? Can you chat with him, and just bring up the subject, saying that you'd like to understand how your move has affected his feelings for you, and if it's been in a negative way, what would remedy that?

 

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck!

 

I'm Canadian and was living over there on a holiday visa for a couple of yrs but when it expired, I had to move back home. I don't think the the move itself has caused any negative feelings. But the strain of it certainly makes the relationship more stressful. I'm hoping a few months together will help us too. And at the end of it, we'll have to talk about things and see where we go from there.

[Lauriebell82]

The weirdest thing happened last night. My boyfriend and I were talking about his friend's upcoming wedding. My boyfriend asked how much they probably spent on it and I said "oh at least 15 grand." So he was like "Geez, that's a ton of money to spend on a wedding!" So I said "Yeah, well you won't have to pay for your wedding, so consider yourself lucky." (my parents are paying for our wedding, but my dad has JOKINGLY offered to give us 15 grand for a downpayment on a house). Of course he knows how much I want a wedding. So my bf says "well why don't we take the money for a downpayment and have a small little ceremony?" I said I would rather have a wedding. NOW the tricky part is that his family does not drink alcohol (because of their religion.) My boyfriend's parents do not know that he drinks alcohol, therefore he is scared to have it at our wedding because he thinks his family will disown him (which of course they won't.)

 

I came up with a compromise. I said that we could have a shampagne toast (and sparkling grape juice for his family) and then a few options for drinks at the bar for the rest of my family. That way there won't be a ton there. I told him he doesn't even have to drink. So hopefully that will work. Anyway, we stopped talking about it then. He said he at least wants his proposal to be a suprise, and planning out our wedding prior to engagement will kill the surprise! I am so excited he is actually talking about weddings! I don't know if a proposal will happen soon, but this is such a great step!

[Sunshine11]

The weirdest thing happened last night. My boyfriend and I were talking about his friend's upcoming wedding. My boyfriend asked how much they probably spent on it and I said "oh at least 15 grand." So he was like "Geez, that's a ton of money to spend on a wedding!" So I said "Yeah, well you won't have to pay for your wedding, so consider yourself lucky." (my parents are paying for our wedding, but my dad has JOKINGLY offered to give us 15 grand for a downpayment on a house). Of course he knows how much I want a wedding. So my bf says "well why don't we take the money for a downpayment and have a small little ceremony?" I said I would rather have a wedding. NOW the tricky part is that his family does not drink alcohol (because of their religion.) My boyfriend's parents do not know that he drinks alcohol, therefore he is scared to have it at our wedding because he thinks his family will disown him (which of course they won't.)

 

I came up with a compromise. I said that we could have a shampagne toast (and sparkling grape juice for his family) and then a few options for drinks at the bar for the rest of my family. That way there won't be a ton there. I told him he doesn't even have to drink. So hopefully that will work. Anyway, we stopped talking about it then. He said he at least wants his proposal to be a suprise, and planning out our wedding prior to engagement will kill the surprise! I am so excited he is actually talking about weddings! I don't know if a proposal will happen soon, but this is such a great step!

 

Wow--how exciting! I hope you continue to enjoy being with him, and if he proposes anytime soon, even better!

[Lauriebell82]

i just have to add that everything you wrote here, i feel the same way. (even the part about going back and forth to each others' places- we both have cats that we jointly take care of, and some days we make like four trips in one day to make sure they get their 2 meals for the day!)

 

you're right - it's not about getting your boyfriend to marry you, rather, it would be nice to be able to find out if that's what he wants too, and if so, what would his basic timeline be. if one person wants to wait 5 years while the other only wants to wait 1 year, that's a difference that is significant enough to where it needs to be discussed, as we're talking about half a decade here. at the same time though, for a guy who is not ready at all, and hasn't been thinking about taking the next step, it is difficult to get him to talk about it with you in a setting where he isn't uncomfortable.

 

what can be done when you are the ready one in this situation? i suppose not much, other than talking about it and getting an outside perspective, which is precisely the reason i came here- because i don't want to pressure my guy into anything, but i would like to know what that "someday" means, and how others in this situation have handled it. i do love the advice here, and i have taken it to heart.

 

It does stink to have to be the one waiting. I've realized that I am happier being with my BF and not be engaged, then not having him in my life at all. I always say that if he hasn't proposed by "such and such" a timeline I'm going to leave, but the truth of the matter is I could never actually do that. I love him way too much. And I know him as well, breaking up with him will not make him want to marry me more..if anything it will probably make him want to less.

 

We have been talking about weddings all of the sudden. I have mixed feelings because he starts talking about that kind of thing, but alas no proposal. I realize he wants it to be a surprise but it's the kind of questions like "Hey, if you were to get married, where would you want to go on a honeymoon?" It's like this weird hypothetic-yet-real question.

 

Obviously he isn't ready though. Why the heck is talking about weddings then? That's something I can't figure out. Is anyone else talking about that kind of thing? Or does your boyfriend just not talk about it at all?

[allina]

It does stink to have to be the one waiting. I've realized that I am happier being with my BF and not be engaged, then not having him in my life at all. I always say that if he hasn't proposed by "such and such" a timeline I'm going to leave, but the truth of the matter is I could never actually do that. I love him way too much. And I know him as well, breaking up with him will not make him want to marry me more..if anything it will probably make him want to less.

 

We have been talking about weddings all of the sudden. I have mixed feelings because he starts talking about that kind of thing, but alas no proposal. I realize he wants it to be a surprise but it's the kind of questions like "Hey, if you were to get married, where would you want to go on a honeymoon?" It's like this weird hypothetic-yet-real question.

 

Obviously he isn't ready though. Why the heck is talking about weddings then? That's something I can't figure out. Is anyone else talking about that kind of thing? Or does your boyfriend just not talk about it at all?

 

LB, I know that you're not always the one to bring wedding stuff up but I think you should set this goal for yourself. Do not mention marriage or engagement to your bf/in front of your bf for 2-3 months. Trust me, just don't. I think that although you don't mean to you you react strongly each time any little thing about engagement/marriage comes up. Your bf knows you so he can tell how much emotion this arises in you. I think this is what forces him to shy away from the topic. Let the subject go completely for a few months, let him think clearly.

 

There is another general issue here, and I don't now how to be pc about it, but, educated people tend to marry/have kids later in life. You and your bf both have post grad degrees, you're not a couple that just finished high school got some job and are now ready to start popping out kids. Usually people who have higher goals when it comes to their career/education get married when they're older. It's a stereotype, yes, but in my observation it's an accurate one. I know only two people I went to school with that are now married, they're both people that just stayed in one place after high school, never went to college or anything. In my group of friends not one couple is married/engaged, there are several very happy couples that have been together for 2, 3+ years and none of them are in any rush to marry. Everyone is just happy having fun, finishing grad school and getting their careers started.

[Lauriebell82]

LB, I know that you're not always the one to bring wedding stuff up but I think you should set this goal for yourself. Do not mention marriage or engagement to your bf/in front of your bf for 2-3 months. Trust me, just don't. I think that although you don't mean to you you react strongly each time any little thing about engagement/marriage comes up. Your bf knows you so he can tell how much emotion this arises in you. I think this is what forces him to shy away from the topic. Let the subject go completely for a few months, let him think clearly.

 

There is another general issue here, and I don't now how to be pc about it, but, educated people tend to marry/have kids later in life. You and your bf both have post grad degrees, you're not a couple that just finished high school got some job and are now ready to start popping out kids. Usually people who have higher goals when it comes to their career/education get married when they're older. It's a stereotype, yes, but in my observation it's an accurate one. I know only two people I went to school with that are now married, they're both people that just stayed in one place after high school, never went to college or anything. In my group of friends not one couple is married/engaged, there are several very happy couples that have been together for 2, 3+ years and none of them are in any rush to marry. Everyone is just happy having fun, finishing grad school and getting their careers started.

 

And when he brings up weddings/honeymoons/engagement rings? I seriously do try to blow it off and talk about something else. When he made the dumb comment about the honeymoon I just answered cooly that I'd always wanted to go to the Bahamas, not just for a honeymoon though I've wanted to go for a vacation. Then I changed the subject. That's a good idea though not to even talk about the topic. It is hard though when he starts talking about a wedding. He is OCD, so when he gets stuck on a topic he keeps bringing it up and doesn't stop. Hence this whole wedding b.s. His new joke is that we should get married in Vegas. (something only an accountant would say lol)

 

You are right that educated people are waiting to get married. And the truth of the matter is, being married would not give me anything that I don't already have, except a new last name. We aren't planning on having kids for another 4 years or so, so I suppose waiting to get married isn't that big of a deal. What you said makes sense Allina, thanks for your help. I've tried to relax about the subject and it's actually working. I'm trying to just ignore my boyfriend's comments. Maybe the fact that I'm not talking about it is what is making HIM talk/think about it more.

 

Anyway, I am actually trying to taking everyone's advice here. Thanks.

[Sunshine11]

It does stink to have to be the one waiting. I've realized that I am happier being with my BF and not be engaged, then not having him in my life at all. I always say that if he hasn't proposed by "such and such" a timeline I'm going to leave, but the truth of the matter is I could never actually do that. I love him way too much. And I know him as well, breaking up with him will not make him want to marry me more..if anything it will probably make him want to less.

 

We have been talking about weddings all of the sudden. I have mixed feelings because he starts talking about that kind of thing, but alas no proposal. I realize he wants it to be a surprise but it's the kind of questions like "Hey, if you were to get married, where would you want to go on a honeymoon?" It's like this weird hypothetic-yet-real question.

 

Obviously he isn't ready though. Why the heck is talking about weddings then? That's something I can't figure out. Is anyone else talking about that kind of thing? Or does your boyfriend just not talk about it at all?

 

Mine has never said anything that reflects how he wants his proposal to be (yours says he wants it to be a surprise). He's never said anything about how/where he would want a wedding, or anything about a honeymoon. We've figured out we want to live in different places, but we're slowly and obtusely coming to a compromise (on staying where we are now).

 

I wouldn't know from experience, but it sounds to me like you're onto something, girl! It does take them a few months though, so don't expect anything tomorrow. But hopefully you'll have some good news to share within the next 2-5 months!

 

In the meantime, ride it out, and enjoy every minute of it!

[Lauriebell82]

Mine has never said anything that reflects how he wants his proposal to be (yours says he wants it to be a surprise). He's never said anything about how/where he would want a wedding, or anything about a honeymoon. We've figured out we want to live in different places, but we're slowly and obtusely coming to a compromise (on staying where we are now).

 

I wouldn't know from experience, but it sounds to me like you're onto something, girl! It does take them a few months though, so don't expect anything tomorrow. But hopefully you'll have some good news to share within the next 2-5 months!

 

In the meantime, ride it out, and enjoy every minute of it!

 

Why do the two of you want to live in different places? You said you are compromising so that is good. Does he say anything about having a future with you? I completely understand your desire to get married. You might have said this before, but how old are you? I'm 25, so I'm still some years away from motherhood. I've realized marriage won't give you much more than you have now.

 

Oh I understand the liscensing exam stuff, but nobody will care that your credentials and your last name aren't the same! Most of the women I work with have their masters degree/counseling certifications in their maiden name and then use their married name for their job. All my degrees/certifications will all be in my maiden name but I'm still going to change my last name. It is too bad though that you can't change your last name on certifications like that.

[Maggs]

And when he brings up weddings/honeymoons/engagement rings? I seriously do try to blow it off and talk about something else. When he made the dumb comment about the honeymoon I just answered cooly that I'd always wanted to go to the Bahamas, not just for a honeymoon though I've wanted to go for a vacation. Then I changed the subject. That's a good idea though not to even talk about the topic. It is hard though when he starts talking about a wedding. He is OCD, so when he gets stuck on a topic he keeps bringing it up and doesn't stop. Hence this whole wedding b.s. His new joke is that we should get married in Vegas. (something only an accountant would say lol)

 

You are right that educated people are waiting to get married. And the truth of the matter is, being married would not give me anything that I don't already have, except a new last name. We aren't planning on having kids for another 4 years or so, so I suppose waiting to get married isn't that big of a deal. What you said makes sense Allina, thanks for your help. I've tried to relax about the subject and it's actually working. I'm trying to just ignore my boyfriend's comments. Maybe the fact that I'm not talking about it is what is making HIM talk/think about it more.

 

Anyway, I am actually trying to taking everyone's advice here. Thanks.

 

Are you sure you're not dating my boyfriend!!? Geez your man sounds exactly like mine. About 6 or 7 months ago there was lots of this sort of talk. We both want to go to the Maldives on our honeymoon, he asked me once what I thought our song should be that we dance too, we've talked about where to get married and even who he would ask to be his best man! He even joked about the whole getting eloped too! But then he still says he's not ready. Which sort of hurt me so (and maybe this was stupid of me!) I told him I'd really prefer not to speak about wedding plans until he's really ready for that kind of commitment. Because I feel that it's almost unfair to me to talk about all of this, then when I started to mention it too--he immediately says no, he doesn't want to now. It gets my hopes up, then he takes them away again.

[Lauriebell82]

Are you sure you're not dating my boyfriend!!? Geez your man sounds exactly like mine. About 6 or 7 months ago there was lots of this sort of talk. We both want to go to the Maldives on our honeymoon, he asked me once what I thought our song should be that we dance too, we've talked about where to get married and even who he would ask to be his best man! He even joked about the whole getting eloped too! But then he still says he's not ready. Which sort of hurt me so (and maybe this was stupid of me!) I told him I'd really prefer not to speak about wedding plans until he's really ready for that kind of commitment. Because I feel that it's almost unfair to me to talk about all of this, then when I started to mention it too--he immediately says no, he doesn't want to now. It gets my hopes up, then he takes them away again.

 

Yep!!! Exactly! Unlike your boyfriend though, mine doesn't SAY he isn't ready. Whenever we will be talking about it, he will say something along the lines of "Well, we better wait to talk about all this formally, because I want it to be somewhat of a surprise!" (so HE will stop himself after HE brings it up). Sometimes that is honestly more torture because I don't know if he isn't ready, or trying to surprise me or what. I feel your pain, it's really hard to talk about weddings and engagements without actually being engaged. I feel like my bf dangles the whole thing over my head sometimes.

[Sunshine11]

Why do the two of you want to live in different places? You said you are compromising so that is good. Does he say anything about having a future with you? I completely understand your desire to get married. You might have said this before, but how old are you? I'm 25, so I'm still some years away from motherhood. I've realized marriage won't give you much more than you have now.

 

Oh I understand the liscensing exam stuff, but nobody will care that your credentials and your last name aren't the same! Most of the women I work with have their masters degree/counseling certifications in their maiden name and then use their married name for their job. All my degrees/certifications will all be in my maiden name but I'm still going to change my last name. It is too bad though that you can't change your last name on certifications like that.

 

Well, we're med students, and he wants to be in a big city, and I want to practice rural medicine. The city we live in is his home; it's where he was born, raised, came back to after college, and came back to for med school. I made this my home three years ago when I decided I really wanted to live in this city, and in this state. Anyhow, so that's the issue. We both really like it here, and call it home, and we've briefly talked about just trying to stay here. And his parents are here, and mine are hoping (I think!) to move here, so that would be WONDERFUL if we decide to have children during residency or shortly thereafter.

 

As far as talking about our future, we've talked about where we want to live, as I said before. And he makes off-hand comments about sixty years from now. And when he had had a few beers on July 4th, we were talking about ideally buying his parents' house when they downsize, and he said, "But I just don't see how we're going to be able to afford their house and pay them what it's worth and still save for our children's education." So that's pretty much the extent of it.

 

And I'm 26, he's 31.

 

The issue with the licensing is that not only is it tough to match a medical license up, especially since it has the first letter of your last name on it at the time of licensing, and that number stays with you for your career, but as far as networking and getting to know physicians in programs and clinics and hospitals I might want to work in, they'll know me by my maiden name. Although, I've decided I'll just change my name AFTER graduation, which is AFTER I match to a residency spot. So that's not as big an issue for me anymore. It'll just be the licensing issue.

 

Anyhow, there's a bit more about my story.

 

I'm super excited for you though!

[Lauriebell82]

Well, we're med students, and he wants to be in a big city, and I want to practice rural medicine. The city we live in is his home; it's where he was born, raised, came back to after college, and came back to for med school. I made this my home three years ago when I decided I really wanted to live in this city, and in this state. Anyhow, so that's the issue. We both really like it here, and call it home, and we've briefly talked about just trying to stay here. And his parents are here, and mine are hoping (I think!) to move here, so that would be WONDERFUL if we decide to have children during residency or shortly thereafter.

 

As far as talking about our future, we've talked about where we want to live, as I said before. And he makes off-hand comments about sixty years from now. And when he had had a few beers on July 4th, we were talking about ideally buying his parents' house when they downsize, and he said, "But I just don't see how we're going to be able to afford their house and pay them what it's worth and still save for our children's education." So that's pretty much the extent of it.

 

And I'm 26, he's 31.

 

The issue with the licensing is that not only is it tough to match a medical license up, especially since it has the first letter of your last name on it at the time of licensing, and that number stays with you for your career, but as far as networking and getting to know physicians in programs and clinics and hospitals I might want to work in, they'll know me by my maiden name. Although, I've decided I'll just change my name AFTER graduation, which is AFTER I match to a residency spot. So that's not as big an issue for me anymore. It'll just be the licensing issue.

 

Anyhow, there's a bit more about my story.

 

I'm super excited for you though!

 

Oh yes, I remember you mentioning that you were med students. Well he mentioned the future with you and things, so thats a really great step! How far along in med school are you two? Have you talked about what you want to do after med school (like when marriage would fit in the picture)? Maybe he wants to wait until you two are done with school to get married? I know when I was in grad school I was DEF. not in any kind of position to get engaged/married. Now that I am financially stable (it's weird because now I have more money than my boyfriend) I'm in a better position to get married. Marriage is really stressful when you don't have money. My friend got married and they are struggling for money and have fights over it constantly.

 

Thanks for your support, it means a lot! (I'm hopefully thinking Christmas!)

[littlebit]

I had some time to read your thread and just thought I would share my experience with you, having been in the same situation. I wouldn't bring it up to him again, because first of all anytime I ever brought this subject up with past boyfriends even after dating them for over a year, and living with them, they didn't respond well. I never got the response I wanted, and I ended up getting more hurt than anything. What I came to find out is that guys are different. They are not as stupid as we may think they are, they are not oblivious, they think about things (just not as much), and they know what they want most of the time. Sorry guys no offense. They act oblivious at times, or as if they never thought about things just so that they can avoid it. My point is there is a reason he does not want to talk about marriage at this point. If he wanted to talk about it he would bring it up. The fact that you already brought it up once should tell you enough. Wait to see if he brings it up, and if you get tired of waiting then move on. In order for him to be ready he has to at least be ok with talking about it on his own either he does or he doesn't. Either way, it has little to do with you and bringing it up when he is not ready will probably not lead to the outcome you want. Took me a long time to come to this realization.

[Jo78]

Are you sure you're not dating my boyfriend!!? Geez your man sounds exactly like mine. About 6 or 7 months ago there was lots of this sort of talk. We both want to go to the Maldives on our honeymoon, he asked me once what I thought our song should be that we dance too, we've talked about where to get married and even who he would ask to be his best man! He even joked about the whole getting eloped too! But then he still says he's not ready. Which sort of hurt me so (and maybe this was stupid of me!) I told him I'd really prefer not to speak about wedding plans until he's really ready for that kind of commitment. Because I feel that it's almost unfair to me to talk about all of this, then when I started to mention it too--he immediately says no, he doesn't want to now. It gets my hopes up, then he takes them away again.

Same here. Only that he's been mentioning weddings, marriage and kids on and off for 2 years now. Every time I ask about a 'when', he looks very distressed and says he's not ready.

 

So this weekend we went to a wedding. Once again he made comments about how I should get some ideas for my gown, what our reception should be like, 'my friends and I and our wives', etc. So I told him I was not going to take any of this seriously until he proposes. That was when he snapped at me: Just because we went to a wedding doesn't mean we're ready yet!

 

Oh, pardon me for letting you bring this up!

I got so tired of this whole business, even the groom noticed that I wasn't enjoying myself very much. So I told my bf not to mention anything 'our wedding' anymore. We'll see how that goes.

 

At first I was thrilled when he started talking about things like this, because I thought we were moving on to a new level in our relationship and that marriage was on the horizon (He mentioned eating out at certain places to see if they would make a good reception site). But after two years it's just hurtful that he's all talk and no action.

[Maggs]

Same here. Only that he's been mentioning weddings, marriage and kids on and off for 2 years now. Every time I ask about a 'when', he looks very distressed and says he's not ready.

 

So this weekend we went to a wedding. Once again he made comments about how I should get some ideas for my gown, what our reception should be like, 'my friends and I and our wives', etc. So I told him I was not going to take any of this seriously until he proposes. That was when he snapped at me: Just because we went to a wedding doesn't mean we're ready yet!

 

Oh, pardon me for letting you bring this up!

I got so tired of this whole business, even the groom noticed that I wasn't enjoying myself very much. So I told my bf not to mention anything 'our wedding' anymore. We'll see how that goes.

 

At first I was thrilled when he started talking about things like this, because I thought we were moving on to a new level in our relationship and that marriage was on the horizon (He mentioned eating out at certain places to see if they would make a good reception site). But after two years it's just hurtful that he's all talk and no action.

 

All I can say to that one is ditto!!

[Lauriebell82]

Same here. Only that he's been mentioning weddings, marriage and kids on and off for 2 years now. Every time I ask about a 'when', he looks very distressed and says he's not ready.

 

So this weekend we went to a wedding. Once again he made comments about how I should get some ideas for my gown, what our reception should be like, 'my friends and I and our wives', etc. So I told him I was not going to take any of this seriously until he proposes. That was when he snapped at me: Just because we went to a wedding doesn't mean we're ready yet!

 

Oh, pardon me for letting you bring this up!

I got so tired of this whole business, even the groom noticed that I wasn't enjoying myself very much. So I told my bf not to mention anything 'our wedding' anymore. We'll see how that goes.

 

At first I was thrilled when he started talking about things like this, because I thought we were moving on to a new level in our relationship and that marriage was on the horizon (He mentioned eating out at certain places to see if they would make a good reception site). But after two years it's just hurtful that he's all talk and no action.

 

Wow, that really sucks! My boyfriend talks about weddings and stuff but he is always saying that we can talk about all the details and stuff after we are engaged. So I do think he realizes that talking about weddings and things before getting engaged is frustrating.

 

Most of the time he'll use these weird hypothetical type questions like "Well, when you get married where do you want to go on a honeymoon?" So it's like a generic question that doesn't involve him personally. I think both versions of the questions suck. I think you did the right thing by telling him to not to discuss any of this until he has proposed. I think that may be why my boyfriend uses the weird hypothetical questions that aren't phrased to be about us, but really are. (so then I don't get upset and say he is getting my hopes up)

 

I feel for you, I bet you are so frustrated!! *HUGS*

[Jo78]

Thanks.

 

Actually, tonight he mentioned that some people at work tease him because he is 30 and not married yet. I replied that this is pretty common, and then added "I'm 30 and not married yet". It came out a little bitter, which I had not intended. So he asked me if I was unhappy.

 

I told him I was not unhappy, but I wished that he would just talk to me about a time frame instead of just talking about "our wedding", after all this is about our life together. So I want to be in on his thoughts on this.

 

Well, he told me he had a time line. That he wanted to get his finances in order, so he can save for a wedding and for my ring. That it might take a year, two a the most. I pointed out that jewelry is not that important to me and I don't need a big ring, but he still wants to get me a "pretty ring".

 

I said that this was an answer I could work with, unlike "I'm not ready", which could mean anything. He told me he loves me and is mentally ready, just not financially yet.

 

He seemed a little bummed and said he had wanted it to be a surprise. Which it still will be, right? Because I don't know when exactly he will have his ducks in row.

 

Well, everybody was happy after our little talk. Five minutes later he asked:"Who do you think should be my man of honor?"

 

He sometimes drives me crazy, but I still love him. And at least for now it seems like I do get to spend my life with him.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks.

 

Actually, tonight he mentioned that some people at work tease him because he is 30 and not married yet. I replied that this is pretty common, and then added "I'm 30 and not married yet". It came out a little bitter, which I had not intended. So he asked me if I was unhappy.

 

I told him I was not unhappy, but I wished that he would just talk to me about a time frame instead of just talking about "our wedding", after all this is about our life together. So I want to be in on his thoughts on this.

 

Well, he told me he had a time line. That he wanted to get his finances in order, so he can save for a wedding and for my ring. That it might take a year, two a the most. I pointed out that jewelry is not that important to me and I don't need a big ring, but he still wants to get me a "pretty ring".

 

I said that this was an answer I could work with, unlike "I'm not ready", which could mean anything. He told me he loves me and is mentally ready, just not financially yet.

 

He seemed a little bummed and said he had wanted it to be a surprise. Which it still will be, right? Because I don't know when exactly he will have his ducks in row.

 

Well, everybody was happy after our little talk. Five minutes later he asked:"Who do you think should be my man of honor?"

 

He sometimes drives me crazy, but I still love him. And at least for now it seems like I do get to spend my life with him.

 

I'm glad your talk went well. It sounds legite that he may just not be in a financial position to get you a ring/pay for a wedding right now. Boys generally want to buy their gfs a nice (expensive) ring..even if they can't afford it right away. My boyfriend once told me he would spend between 5-10 grande on one!!!! I told him he was nuts that I didn't need anything that big. Let's just hope he doesn't try to use the fact that he can't afford to buy a 10,000 dollar ring as an excuse not to propose.

 

Anyway, it's a good sign that he is actually being honest with you. Of course anyone can pretty much afford to get married if you buy a cheap ring and get married at city hall. But if you want "all the fixings" then yeah it's going to be a more financial strain. However, don't let him use the "finances" as an excuse for not committing. It's a good start that he is mentally ready though!!!

 

I don't think my boyfriend is mentally ready even though he talks about it. Oh, and he says the same thing as your boyfriend. That he wants it to be a total surprise and that talking about it ruins it. (it doesn't seem like your bf has hang ups about talking about it though). He did memorize my ring size though because the other day he asked me "So your ring size is a 6, what would mine be?" I don't know what those questions mean. He's talking about it without ACTUALLY talking about it. That is frustrating as well. And it's just weird because my boyfriend has NEVER SAID that he isn't ready. He just sneaks around the issue. So that's even more confusing.

 

I'm afraid to even ask him about it. The one time I actually tried to ask him for a timeline he told me that I was nuts if I thought he was going to tell me when he will propose. Ugh.

[Jo78]

Hm, I don't know your boyfriend at all. But to me it sounds like he is actually up to something, but does not want to spoil the surprise.

 

Keep us posted!

[Lauriebell82]

Hm, I don't know your boyfriend at all. But to me it sounds like he is actually up to something, but does not want to spoil the surprise.

 

Keep us posted!

 

Thanks! I'm trying to just chill out and not get my hopes up. He's chronically indecisive, so who knows how long it will take him. I'm willing to wait though because I really do love him. We are still young, so it's not like my biological clock is ticking yet or anything.

 

Seriously, who the heck asks their girlfriend, "So when you get married someday, where would you go on a honeymoon?" My mom thinks he is planning something for either Christmas or my birthday (December 30th).

[raclar]

This is an excellent thread- I think the issues raised here are pertinent to a lot of people, including myself, and its comforting to know I'm not the only one out there struggling with these issues. I'm 32 and my BF is 24! I feel ready and like he's the ONE but I know he's not ready.. i think he needs a few more years on his own, living his life before he decides to marry anyone. My first serious BF.. we moved in together right after school and so I never had a change to have my own place, my own money.. and it always bothered me. THat was a big reason why we broke up. So.. its important to respect your SO's need for independence.. it could come between you later.

 

I also, struggle with "how long to wait"... so far I'm trying to accept things for the way they are.. and accept the ambiguity. But it is hard. Even tho he's so much younger than I am.. he's the best boy friend I've ever had! So I don't want to try to insist on advancing things before we are BOTH ready and ruin our relationship.

 

I hate it, but the influence of friends/society/culture cannot be ignored when addressing these kids of issues! People make comments (intentionally or not- my grandma told me "Hurry up and catch a man- you're getting to the age where no one will want you!"- tho, she has alzhiemers so I try not to take those kinds of comments personally).

 

Sometimes its just hard... but as long as the relationship is going well... and he makes you feel good about yourself, and good days out number the bad... I guess I'll stick it out and see what happens. I know I'm not guaranteed anything in this life.. maybe I'll never be married! Maybe I will! I guess we all should just do what makes us happy and hope for the best!

[Sunshine11]

This is an excellent thread- I think the issues raised here are pertinent to a lot of people, including myself, and its comforting to know I'm not the only one out there struggling with these issues. I'm 32 and my BF is 24! I feel ready and like he's the ONE but I know he's not ready.. i think he needs a few more years on his own, living his life before he decides to marry anyone. My first serious BF.. we moved in together right after school and so I never had a change to have my own place, my own money.. and it always bothered me. THat was a big reason why we broke up. So.. its important to respect your SO's need for independence.. it could come between you later.

 

I also, struggle with "how long to wait"... so far I'm trying to accept things for the way they are.. and accept the ambiguity. But it is hard. Even tho he's so much younger than I am.. he's the best boy friend I've ever had! So I don't want to try to insist on advancing things before we are BOTH ready and ruin our relationship.

 

I hate it, but the influence of friends/society/culture cannot be ignored when addressing these kids of issues! People make comments (intentionally or not- my grandma told me "Hurry up and catch a man- you're getting to the age where no one will want you!"- tho, she has alzhiemers so I try not to take those kinds of comments personally).

 

Sometimes its just hard... but as long as the relationship is going well... and he makes you feel good about yourself, and good days out number the bad... I guess I'll stick it out and see what happens. I know I'm not guaranteed anything in this life.. maybe I'll never be married! Maybe I will! I guess we all should just do what makes us happy and hope for the best!

 

Wow, I totally feel your aggravation! I agree, don't waste a good thing. Goodness, though, I wouldn't know what to do if my boyfriend were 24 and in need of independence... On the other hand, one of my best friends has been dating her boyfriend since he was 22, (or at least 23; I'm not sure), and he's 24 or 25 now, and he's proposing in December! Meanwhile, my 31-year-old boyfriend has never uttered the "M" word, although I've gotten 'kids,' 'wedding,' and 'engaged,' but only the first one was in the context of us. Anyhow, I guess everyone's different!

[Lauriebell82]

Wow, I totally feel your aggravation! I agree, don't waste a good thing. Goodness, though, I wouldn't know what to do if my boyfriend were 24 and in need of independence... On the other hand, one of my best friends has been dating her boyfriend since he was 22, (or at least 23; I'm not sure), and he's 24 or 25 now, and he's proposing in December! Meanwhile, my 31-year-old boyfriend has never uttered the "M" word, although I've gotten 'kids,' 'wedding,' and 'engaged,' but only the first one was in the context of us. Anyhow, I guess everyone's different!

 

I think guys are ready at different points in their life. My boyfriend is almost 27 and not ready, meanwhile my 23 year old friend from college just proposed to his girlfriend!

 

Now the new situation is that my boyfriend STOPPED talking about marriage. I told him that my freind from work had gotten engaged and she was telling me that she's real upset that they have to wait a year to get married in the Catholic church, and he hurried up to change the subject. I really wasn't even talking about us AT ALL. So now he's back to being freaked out? My friend said that maybe he realized he got me all "reved up" with his marriage talk and now he's just trying to play it cool. I wish he would just come out and say "hey I love you and I want to marry you someday when I'm ready." That would be enough. And I suppose he HAS said that type of thing, however these weird hypothetical games and statements he makes continue to confuse me. My best friend said to just drop it and not talk about marriage or anything at all. If he brings it up she said to play it cool and not get excited. Just answer and act like it's not big deal.

 

I'm trying to take the advice, its just hard because now I've confused again. It is SO hard to relax, I know everyone else is having this problem on this thread!! I feel your pain!