he's not ready (i think), but i am...

[shadowplay]

Laurie, you really have to stop pressuring your bf. I know you think you're not because you're not directly asking him about marriage but you do keep indirectly bringing the subject up by talking about your friend's engagements and weddings. He probably knows that you're obsessed and this makes him even more uncomfortable and reluctant to take the plunge. Just relax, and stop thinking about it.

 

Btw, I think your bf's reaction to you wearing that ripped shirt was bullsh#t. He sounds a bit controlling. Do you think his attraction to you might be lacking?

[Lauriebell82]

Laurie, you really have to stop pressuring your bf. I know you think you're not because you're not directly asking him about marriage but you do keep indirectly bringing the subject up by talking about your friend's engagements and weddings. He probably knows that you're obsessed and this makes him even more uncomfortable and reluctant to take the plunge. Just relax, and stop thinking about it.

 

Btw, I think your bf's reaction to you wearing that ripped shirt was bullsh#t. He sounds a bit controlling. Do you think his attraction to you might be lacking?

 

Yeah, you are probably right. It is just a little annoying that HE can indirectly bring it up (i.e. When you get married, where do you want to go on a honeymoon?) but when I bring it up not even putting him into the equation he freaks out. I'm just going to drop it completely and not discuss anything about weddings/marriage anymore.

 

Yes, my bf is a bit of a control freak sometimes. I don't think his attraction to me is lacking, quite the opposite actually. He tells me how hot I am and always wants to have sex. I told him that comment bothered me and he apologized and said he is sorry he made me feel bad. He said that he loved me no matter what. He just said he doesn't want us to fall into the habit of not wanting to look nice for each other anymore. Which I agreed that I didn't want that either. So we worked it out. He is a bit of a control freak, I tend to overdramatize/overreact to situations. We are both trying to work on our faults and compromise on things. I think we do a pretty good job.

[Sunshine11]

I think guys are ready at different points in their life. My boyfriend is almost 27 and not ready, meanwhile my 23 year old friend from college just proposed to his girlfriend!

 

Now the new situation is that my boyfriend STOPPED talking about marriage. I told him that my freind from work had gotten engaged and she was telling me that she's real upset that they have to wait a year to get married in the Catholic church, and he hurried up to change the subject. I really wasn't even talking about us AT ALL. So now he's back to being freaked out? My friend said that maybe he realized he got me all "reved up" with his marriage talk and now he's just trying to play it cool. I wish he would just come out and say "hey I love you and I want to marry you someday when I'm ready." That would be enough. And I suppose he HAS said that type of thing, however these weird hypothetical games and statements he makes continue to confuse me. My best friend said to just drop it and not talk about marriage or anything at all. If he brings it up she said to play it cool and not get excited. Just answer and act like it's not big deal.

 

I'm trying to take the advice, its just hard because now I've confused again. It is SO hard to relax, I know everyone else is having this problem on this thread!! I feel your pain!

 

So, I had a thought. First, I agree--bringing up marriage subtly is probably not a great idea--I need to stop doing that too.

 

However, I'll offer two other options:

 

1) Be direct. Something to the effect of: "Do you think I'm someone you could see yourself marrying someday? Okay, great. Thanks."

 

2) When he brings it up, at least provide encouragement instead of ambivalence. He might be testing the waters, and worried that you're not interested, or may not say yes.

 

As a postscript, I really have no idea how this all works; those are just my thoughts. Anyhow, hopefully things will iron out for us all!

[shadowplay]

With my ex, I noticed that he mentioned marriage MORE when I didn't seem to care or ever bring it up. When I did press him, he seemed less certain. What you're doing is giving your bf all the power. He knows you desperately want to marry him. This affords him the luxury of uncertainty. Communicate some uncertainty of your own and suddenly you'll be in the driver's seat.

[Lauriebell82]

With my ex, I noticed that he mentioned marriage MORE when I didn't seem to care or ever bring it up. When I did press him, he seemed less certain. What you're doing is giving your bf all the power. He knows you desperately want to marry him. This affords him the luxury of uncertainty. Communicate some uncertainty of your own and suddenly you'll be in the driver's seat.

 

That is totally the pattern I see with my boyfriend. His best friend came over to watch football today and after they came back from getting something to eat (their guy time), when my boyfriend went to the bathroom he was talking to me about a wedding they are both in this coming weekend. He asked me if "I thought he would be in my bf's wedding." I didn't attribute it to myself, I said "I'm sure you will be, you are his best friend." He then asked me who my bridesmaids will be. I told him, again just in a general way. So I played it totally cool. Maybe my boyfriend had been talking to his friend about it.

[Morgan143]

well... guys and gils mostly on dating site are came just for fun ! but most of sincere guys n gils are came to dating site not for fun. they are in search of real relationships !

 

just like me i use www.bidbuydate.com . and i was thinking that i will found a real person for my life. and after few months a guy contact to me and have meeting online for long time then we decided to meet in reallife. and after it i found him a sincere person and few days later our parents agree with us. and now we are a married couple !

[keechie]

i guess i just wanted to come back and leave an update. i have taken a lot of this advice, (especially those that said not to push it). i did ask him outright if he meant what he said about him seeing us married in five years, and he said that even though he's been pretty stressed out (he is in grad school) and perhaps acting sort of non-committal in subtle ways, (his words, not mine), he did mean it, and that he still means it. he also said that he'd want us to get married when he finished school and found a job (which i agree with), and he saw an engagement to be about a year before that. given that he's got about 1 to 2 years left for his master's thesis and perhaps another year for job-finding, that would make us being engaged probably in a year or two from now.

 

it was really nice to have that conversation! i feel like a weight has been lifted, as silly as that sounds. it's because he doesn't talk about this kind of stuff- ever. (i also mentioned previously about how when marriage or babies come up in other conversations, he the first to make some sort of crass joke.) this is why i had really NO idea what page he was on, let alone if it was the same as me.

 

now, a small part of me does wonder if he is so certain that he sees us married in 5 years, then why not propose now? i cannot see myself in the position of being with him for like 6 years and still waiting for him to ask me. BUT, i want him to do it when he's ready to do it. and for now, i'll have to trust him and not worry about it anymore unless it seems obvious after a couple more years that he really isn't going to propose.

 

so... as our 2 year anniversary comes up in a couple of weeks, i will be (predictably) disappointed when he doesn't propose, (which i'll keep to myself, of course). but, i am also determined to have fun in celebrating it, because even though there's a chance it may not reach the marriage stage, the past two years have been pretty damn fun for the most part. and i really, really love him a lot.

[Lauriebell82]

i guess i just wanted to come back and leave an update. i have taken a lot of this advice, (especially those that said not to push it). i did ask him outright if he meant what he said about him seeing us married in five years, and he said that even though he's been pretty stressed out (he is in grad school) and perhaps acting sort of non-committal in subtle ways, (his words, not mine), he did mean it, and that he still means it. he also said that he'd want us to get married when he finished school and found a job (which i agree with), and he saw an engagement to be about a year before that. given that he's got about 1 to 2 years left for his master's thesis and perhaps another year for job-finding, that would make us being engaged probably in a year or two from now.

 

it was really nice to have that conversation! i feel like a weight has been lifted, as silly as that sounds. it's because he doesn't talk about this kind of stuff- ever. (i also mentioned previously about how when marriage or babies come up in other conversations, he the first to make some sort of crass joke.) this is why i had really NO idea what page he was on, let alone if it was the same as me.

 

now, a small part of me does wonder if he is so certain that he sees us married in 5 years, then why not propose now? i cannot see myself in the position of being with him for like 6 years and still waiting for him to ask me. BUT, i want him to do it when he's ready to do it. and for now, i'll have to trust him and not worry about it anymore unless it seems obvious after a couple more years that he really isn't going to propose.

 

so... as our 2 year anniversary comes up in a couple of weeks, i will be (predictably) disappointed when he doesn't propose, (which i'll keep to myself, of course). but, i am also determined to have fun in celebrating it, because even though there's a chance it may not reach the marriage stage, the past two years have been pretty damn fun for the most part. and i really, really love him a lot.

 

At least he gave you some kind of timeline!!! I don't have the foggiest idea when my bf plans on proposing. He has been talking about proposals, like at dinner last week he asked me all these rhetorical questions regarding what kind of proposals are best and what length of engagement is good. Who the heck knows when we'll get engaged though. I'm really hoping over the holidays, however I'm trying not to get my hopes up on that one as well. It is driving me a little insane not knowing when it is coming, but I suppose that is the kind of thing he is going for..to suprise the hell out of me.

[keechie]

At least he gave you some kind of timeline!!! I don't have the foggiest idea when my bf plans on proposing. He has been talking about proposals, like at dinner last week he asked me all these rhetorical questions regarding what kind of proposals are best and what length of engagement is good. Who the heck knows when we'll get engaged though. I'm really hoping over the holidays, however I'm trying not to get my hopes up on that one as well. It is driving me a little insane not knowing when it is coming, but I suppose that is the kind of thing he is going for..to suprise the hell out of me.

 

 

i do appreciate the timeline, but a little part of me is so afraid that he won't end up proposing, and i'll have my hopes up too much. but i guess that's the risk you have to take, right?

 

your guy sounds like he's obviously been thinking of engagement stuff. it does sound pretty frustrating to have to hear him talk about it, but then to act uncertain about it at the same time. perhaps this is his way of really readying himself? maybe he has to hear himself talk things out enough so that he is able to not only feel comfortable about it, but also gain confidence in seeing himself actually asking you. as frustrating as it may seem right now, it sounds like a good sign. my best friend's fiance did this to her for like 7 months straight before he asked her. my guy is the opposite though- talking for him is counter-productive, which is why sometimes i have no idea what's going on in his head!

 

the waiting really is the most exruciating part.

[Lauriebell82]

your guy sounds like he's obviously been thinking of engagement stuff. it does sound pretty frustrating to have to hear him talk about it, but then to act uncertain about it at the same time. perhaps this is his way of really readying himself? maybe he has to hear himself talk things out enough so that he is able to not only feel comfortable about it, but also gain confidence in seeing himself actually asking you. as frustrating as it may seem right now, it sounds like a good sign. my best friend's fiance did this to her for like 7 months straight before he asked her. my guy is the opposite though- talking for him is counter-productive, which is why sometimes i have no idea what's going on in his head!

 

the waiting really is the most exruciating part.

 

Wow that's an interesting point! Maybe his hypothetical scenerios are a way of preparing himself. He is quite indecisive, when he is trying to decide on something he does talk about it out loud, going back and forth on the options.

 

I don't know if I can handle 7 more months. I think any way you have to wait for a marriage proposal is tough, mainly because it's something you don't have any control over (unless you propose to him.) It's kind of like the one situation where the guy holds all the cards. I guess the most important question is: is he worth waiting for? does waiting for him to propose hurt less then not being with him at all? These are all questions I'm trying to ask myself. Look at it this way though, at least we haven't been waiting around for 8 years with no proposal in sight!

[allina]

 

I don't know if I can handle 7 more months.

 

LB, please explain WHY? 7 months is nothing! You're 25 and fresh out of school! You know I like you and think you have a great relationship but this comment was a surprise. What do you mean you don't know if you can wait? Do you really feel this much pressure? Why?

[norajane]

I don't know if I can handle 7 more months. I think any way you have to wait for a marriage proposal is tough, mainly because it's something you don't have any control over (unless you propose to him.) It's kind of like the one situation where the guy holds all the cards. I guess the most important question is: is he worth waiting for? does waiting for him to propose hurt less then not being with him at all? These are all questions I'm trying to ask myself. Look at it this way though, at least we haven't been waiting around for 8 years with no proposal in sight!

 

Well, that's your problem. He's not holding all the cards, but YOU see it that way.

 

You are part of this relationship, and you have a mind of your own along with your needs, wants, hopes and dreams for your life and what you want out of it. YOU also have a choice here - it's not just him!

 

If, at some point, you are too impatient and not interested in waiting for him to be ready and comfortable with getting married, then you CAN choose to walk away. HE has no idea if you'll wait, or how long you'll wait, unless you are always going on about getting married and essentially assuring him constantly that you'll wait around forever for him to propose because you want him so much.

 

If you are READY to get on with another phase of your life and he's still in the same place he's been, whether that's today or 2 or 4 years from now, you can walk away instead of waiting. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT. Carry around in your head the thought that you are free to make a choice about what you want in life, and that you can walk away from him if he isn't giving it to you. THAT is your ace card. YOU can leave him when you are ready to move into the next phase of your life and he still isn't.

 

YOU hold your own cards, and you can play them how you choose. Unfortunately, you've set your mind on marriage, and now you can't enjoy the relationship and finally being with him in the same city, the same apartment. Change your perspective: he can lose you if he dallies too long.

[oneofakind]

I think guys are ready at different points in their life. My boyfriend is almost 27 and not ready, meanwhile my 23 year old friend from college just proposed to his girlfriend!

 

Now the new situation is that my boyfriend STOPPED talking about marriage. I told him that my freind from work had gotten engaged and she was telling me that she's real upset that they have to wait a year to get married in the Catholic church, and he hurried up to change the subject. I really wasn't even talking about us AT ALL. So now he's back to being freaked out? My friend said that maybe he realized he got me all "reved up" with his marriage talk and now he's just trying to play it cool. I wish he would just come out and say "hey I love you and I want to marry you someday when I'm ready." That would be enough. And I suppose he HAS said that type of thing, however these weird hypothetical games and statements he makes continue to confuse me. My best friend said to just drop it and not talk about marriage or anything at all. If he brings it up she said to play it cool and not get excited. Just answer and act like it's not big deal.

 

I'm trying to take the advice, its just hard because now I've confused again. It is SO hard to relax, I know everyone else is having this problem on this thread!! I feel your pain!

 

I've read some of your posts on loveshack. You're still fairly young...what's the rush? With the rate of divorce these days, it's best to take your time. Just be thankful that you've found someone that actually loves and cares about you. I'm about your age, single, and have yet to be in a relationship that lasted more than a year! If I had a choice, I'd be in a long term relationship with a decent guy...I'm not a commitment phobe. I've just dated a lot of jerks and have had incredible back luck along the way.

 

Anyways, I understand the feeling of people around you married around you. I live in the south, and it's not uncommon for women to be married young here (late teens and early 20's). Remember, just b/c your friends are getting married doesn't mean the marriage will last or that they won't have problems in the future.

[Lauriebell82]

I didn't mean the comment literally about the 7 months. I just meant that if he puts off proposing for another 7 months-1 year, but keeps talking about weddings and engagements, it's going to keep getting me more and more frustrated.

 

I actually have a funny story:

We went to a wedding this weekend that my boyfriend was in. (he was a groomsman). So I caught the bouquet and my boyfriend caught the garter! (they fixed it though, because the bride and groom both threw it right to us.)

 

So people kept talking about "us being next" and asking when. BF said "yeah we are, I just like to keep her on her toes." Then at breakfast this morning with our friend we were discussing how much their wedding probably cost, and our conversation shifted to "our wedding." We talked about the whole thing in detail, no weirdness or anything.

 

So it may end up happening soon! I'm willing to wait though, I love him and couldn't imagine life without him. He actually brought weddings up several times today, so I guess he's thinking about it.

[allina]

I didn't mean the comment literally about the 7 months. I just meant that if he puts off proposing for another 7 months-1 year, but keeps talking about weddings and engagements, it's going to keep getting me more and more frustrated.

 

I actually have a funny story:

We went to a wedding this weekend that my boyfriend was in. (he was a groomsman). So I caught the bouquet and my boyfriend caught the garter! (they fixed it though, because the bride and groom both threw it right to us.)

 

So people kept talking about "us being next" and asking when. BF said "yeah we are, I just like to keep her on her toes." Then at breakfast this morning with our friend we were discussing how much their wedding probably cost, and our conversation shifted to "our wedding." We talked about the whole thing in detail, no weirdness or anything.

 

So it may end up happening soon! I'm willing to wait though, I love him and couldn't imagine life without him. He actually brought weddings up several times today, so I guess he's thinking about it.

 

Ah, ok. I thought you meant that if he doesn't propose within 7 months you would literally lose it

 

I'm glad you had fun and that you and the bf had a good, positive talk about your wedding.

[Lauriebell82]

Ah, ok. I thought you meant that if he doesn't propose within 7 months you would literally lose it

 

I'm glad you had fun and that you and the bf had a good, positive talk about your wedding.

 

Yeah. It's becoming evident however, that he is not looking forward to telling his parents that the drinks alcohol (they don't know he drinks.) I would like to try to talk to his parents about this issue prior to getting engaged, as to avoid the whole negative situation. I'm going to run it by him, so then our engagement/wedding won't be surrounded by this whole entire issue of his parents finding out he drinks.

[allina]

Yeah. It's becoming evident however, that he is not looking forward to telling his parents that the drinks alcohol (they don't know he drinks.) I would like to try to talk to his parents about this issue prior to getting engaged, as to avoid the whole negative situation. I'm going to run it by him, so then our engagement/wedding won't be surrounded by this whole entire issue of his parents finding out he drinks.

 

But why does he have to tell them? If it's something really serious that they will not accept I'm sure he can handle not drinking at the wedding. Or maybe it won't be as big of a deal as he thinks? I mean, he's of age and it's not like he's a drunk.

[Lauriebell82]

But why does he have to tell them? If it's something really serious that they will not accept I'm sure he can handle not drinking at the wedding. Or maybe it won't be as big of a deal as he thinks? I mean, he's of age and it's not like he's a drunk.

 

Yeah, I'm honestly not sure what the big deal either. I said the same thing you did to him, "Then why don't you not drink?" and he said that he wants to. So whatever, that's his deal then.

 

I really don't think his parents are going to care as much as he thinks they will. If he downplays it and says he doesn't drink that much, and just have like a glass at champagne at the wedding, I highly doubt they would disown him. Maybe it's an excuse to put off proposing..