What about the dumpee fathers..how we deal with it??

[smileysmile]

I think my STBXW has a b/f. He has stayed over her house Friday night and was there Saturday night but I am not sure as he wasn't parked on the drive. He slept over last night (Tuesday) and left 45 minutes before I arrived to pick my 22 mth old daughter at 8am. I had her until 7pm.

 

I couldn't look her in the eye. I just looked at my D, she put her arms out and I held her up in the air, kissed her and gave her a hug and left.

 

I am not threatened by this guy. He looks like a nerd (no disrepect to nerds).

pale and bespectacled. No disrespect to people who wear glasses.

 

He drives 10 yr old car which look a little rough. So, how do I know this?

Hmmm, I guess I needed to know these things and I found them out.

I don't think this guy is off the dating site she is on. I have a hunch he is an old colleague or somebody she knows from before.

 

Yes, I am hurting and in pain. My D is in her room whilst she is humping this guy. Am I jealous? Not at all. I just feel sick. It is hard for us fathers to deal with this. Some women don't understand.

I don't think this is a R. Not a stable one. If it were I would accept it. But my ex is supposed to be a classy woman blah blah lol

 

She is still on this dating site. But her subscription run out several weeks ago and then she joined a free dating site on 7th September. She viewed my profile. I didn't hers at least not under my name.

4 days later she removed her profile. I might add this site is trash.

So 5 days later sher went out for the night as I had to drop my D back at her nans. A week later this guy is sleeping in her bed and overnight. Again this night she asked me to drop D off at her nans. So this was this Friday just gone. So if she had met somebody before the 7th of September then why join another dating site? Less than 2 weeks later she is having a man over night and a couple more after that when my D is in the house!!

 

She knows my feelings on this. She wouldn't like me to do it but of course as yet I don't have my D overnight and I wouldn't have somebody staying over. To me it is morally wrong.

I am not sure what is going on. I know I hurt my wife with my behaviour. Hurt her emotionally. May 4th she left a telephone message on my house phone saying she was stressed, tired, hurt, upset, cheesed off and fed up as she was feeling very low. That when she sees me it winds her up when I am being nice and 'normal' and if I was like that like I was occasionally then we would still be together but she said she is still adament that she did the right thing leaving me 'cos of the things I did this year.

 

Anyway, I am not sure if she is still hurting and this guy is the opposite of me. I was and can be kind, gentle etc etc and because the ex and I sometimes had a volatile R I think that this guy is showing her attention, affection and helping her self esteem. Am I right? Is she justified having him sleep over?

To me this may sound like this is going somewhere or maybe she has needs of 'closeness.' But I really don't think this guy is it. Long term.

 

2 days ago she briefly logged onto this dating site. I couldn't miss it as she showed in the search profile. She was looking at the guys who winked at her and of course that's about it 'cos you need to be subscribed to send/receive emails.

 

I dropped my D off this evening. And I gave her a hug and kiss. I never said anything to my ex. I won't see D for 8 days!!

 

I read online that the best is not to say anything. I hold my feelings in.

I hold the pain in. Every time I pick my D up Ilook good. Shavened, casual but smart.

She has moved on and she texted me a mth ago to move on and leave her alone. She texted this back in April before her left answer machine message a few weeks later.

 

I am trying to move on. I can't help the way I feel. We married 2.3 yrs ago and it was a beautiful sunny day and it was just fab! The honeymoon followed and then that same year our beautiful D. April the next year she was leaving. I am not in denial with what I said or did etc.

 

Anyway, does anybody want to throw there bit in? Any fathers out there in a similiar situation?

[LostHusband]

I'm right there with you man. Have a son 6 and a daughter 3. I have to see my STBXW every day when I drop my daughter off (son goes to school) and then see her again later when I pick them up. I have to see her EVERY DAY! . Sometimes on the weekends I don't see her, but that is hard too. I try to be friendly with her, like on the phone I act nice and don't ask her personal stuff about her other relationship. But she is so cold to me, she acts so annoyed when I call, even though I only call to check up on the kids and to tell her if I am picking them up or if she is suppose to take them somewhere. It would be nice if she could at least act friendly to me when I call, after all she broke my heart I didn't break hers - I should be the one angry and mad at her, but she just wants to continue to be angry at me even when I try to be nice. I don't know what is going on with her as far as another relationship, she was suppose to be in one by now but it hasn't taken off from what I can tell. She stopped wearing makeup to work (where the OM is) and she sometimes looks like she has been crying. She changed her "mood" on Myspace from "confused" to "determined" to "vibrant" to "crushed" all within 2 weeks. I don't want to show interest in what is going on with her, so I dare not ask.

 

Well I guess I could have just put all this in my own thread but just wanted to reply to yours to show you that you aren't alone - this has been hell for me too!

[smileysmile]

Cheers for your input..

 

we communicate via text messages and she only tells me what I need to know about D on the day. The text messages are ONLY about our D. She has this wall up and like a lot of women they don't want you to see what is behind it lol

[PWSX3]

Maybe I should count my blessings I haven't talked to my stbxw in over a month now and that was just to give her some stuff she left after she moved. . We usually email each other if we need something but that hasn't happened either.

 

It has to be hard to get over someone when you have to see them everyday. It is kind of like putting salt into a wound I would think.

[smileysmile]

LH would you ever consider reconcilation if it was possible?

[LostHusband]

If it was possible - yes I would. The possibility lies with her though, not me. She would have to do a complete turn around and realize she loved me completely, which isn't going to happen - at least not anytime soon. I wouldn't want her back right now with her head still in the clouds.

[smileysmile]

Hmmm

 

I have backed off. This 1st year apart has been crazy. Not all the time. But I am backing off and getting on with my life. Though it is hard. I still feel the loss. The pain. The things running around my head.

 

I am looking after myself and leaving her be. Not sure what is going around her head. She left me for my behavious and losing trust. Seeing me be nice and 'normal' winds her up..when she is feeling low. But I think she is holding that in.

This OM is a distraction? He has been sleeping over hers most nights this week. Yet she logged onto dating site in the week when he was there. Not that she is a subscriber. That expired 3 wks ago. She is checking out her 'winks'. Not sure what is going on. Why would a woman have a guy sleeping over night if it wasn't a serious/stable R??

 

I couldn't do that with a woman. You know the cuddling etc unless I truly wanted to be with her. Sex is sex but the intimate stuff?? I just don't get it

[Maladjusted]

Hmmm

 

Not sure what is going on. Why would a woman have a guy sleeping over night if it wasn't a serious/stable R??

 

 

I think they call that a rebound my friend. It more than likely isn't him that she is after. She probably can't handle being alone so it doesn't matter who it is.

[smileysmile]

Thanks Morrisey ;o)

 

Do women really do this? Any ladies reading this who have/is doing this?

[Nomad1]

Hey Smiley! Too much analysis leads to paralysis. Do you think she spends a minute of her time checking how many times you have visited a site? Probably not. Does she sniff around to see if you have someone staying overnight, unlikely. Why do you give a monkey's bottom about who she might be seeing? Do you still want her? It's like waiting for leftovers! Man up! Count your blessings and look around you. There are so many women out there. Surely, it is better to start with someone new, rather than with old toxicity!

 

Sorry for the harsh words man! But I just wanted to remind you that she still has power over you without even trying! Let her open her legs to whomever she wants. She is no longer your wife man!

[LakesideDream]

SmileySmile (nice Brian Wilson reference BTW),

 

My suggestion, as a former, and completely healed BS is to let it go. Let it all go right now, today, this minute.

 

You are physically stalking your ex. You are "observing" her (not spying as her profiles are public). You are spending to much of your time, and all your emotions in an attempt to remain in her life. It's a waste of your effort.

 

This stuff happens. Don't drive yourself to the sandbox! (another more obscure reference LoL) trying to remain relevant. You are not. You have been replaced, as you say, by a nerd, with a 10 year old car, (sniff... mines 8).

 

You aren't alone. Most men face this stuff at some point. Most eventually let it go. My ex was totally convinced I would "stalk" her, it really dissapointed her to find out she was wrong. Once I found out that she had invited another man to penetrate her various orifii, I had no further interest in her.

 

It'll get better. Quicker if you let it.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Thanks Morrisey ;o)

 

Do women really do this? Any ladies reading this who have/is doing this?

 

Yes, if you're referring to the rebound guy. Yes, yes, yes...keep the line moving, boys. It's an awful, self-destructive thing, but it is what it is. I hope that I've matured enough to not go through that this time, when I leave my lying-ass husband.

[SingleDad]

Smiley -

 

I think I may be in exactly the same situation as you. I do not know if my wife left me for OM or met him after. But I know she is out there having fun and has BF. We have a 2.5 yo daughter - but now our daughter is passed back and forth between houses - the legacy of divorce.

 

You can't think about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop spying on your W. All it will do is cause you agony - and prevent any possible future reconciliation.

 

Focus on your daughter... be the best father you can be when you have her... that is all you can do.

[Sup]

Have you even mentioned to her that your Daughter can hear her screwing this OM, and that it can or is hurting her in some unknown way? Or does she not even give a crap?! I don't know if you can get a restraining order to prevent your wifes actions, but, it looks to me like she's putting your daughter in harms way. She's doing this for revenge, you know that right? She'll hurt you by hurting your daughter in return, how stupid! You need to bring this up!

[smileysmile]

SUP..Her opinion or view is ..as long as daughter is cared for whatever else she does is ..whatever man she decides to spend her life with..whatever man friend/boyfriend she brings home..again as long as ***** is cared for is NOTHING to do with me!

 

I am not sure if he is just company (being a single mum) or now dating him. He has to travel 1 hr 10 mins to work and pay £5.30 bridge toll fee everytime he comes over the bridge to see her. I think he resides near his work.

I am shocked by her actions I really am.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm sorry. Why not just focus on making yourself happy? I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to forgive her and move forward with your own life.

[LakesideDream]

SUP..Her opinion or view is ..as long as daughter is cared for whatever else she does is ..whatever man she decides to spend her life with..whatever man friend/boyfriend she brings home..again as long as ***** is cared for is NOTHING to do with me!

 

I am not sure if he is just company (being a single mum) or now dating him. He has to travel 1 hr 10 mins to work and pay £5.30 bridge toll fee everytime he comes over the bridge to see her. I think he resides near his work.

I am shocked by her actions I really am.

 

 

 

Smiley, Please read what you just wrote. Now you are pretending to be concerned with your EX's boyfriend having to pay for gas and bridge tolls to spend the night with your ex wife. Doesen't seem like an unreasonable price to pay for a little as you say... "company".

 

It's none of your business anymore. She's leading her own life, enjoying the benifits of nerdly pleasure. Let it go smiley... this time the nerd has it.

[TrustInYourself]

Or you could just wrestle the nerd to death over your ex wife!

[Nomad1]

Smiley - You know that you have moved on when you no longer care about who or how many people she screws. It's her punani, and she has a right to choose who penetrates it. It is as simple as that. You must start working towards achieving total indifference to her actions. This in itself would lead to better communication between you about your daughter.

 

Don't you think that she has a right to have companions, the same way you do?

 

Out of interest, how long has it been since you separated?

[smileysmile]

Hmmm some answers there guys!!

 

Ok I know she has a right to have company but I defy any guy/father on here or wherever who wouldn't feel the same as me when shes doing it in the house where my daughter is sleeping. They have ONLY known each other for 3/4 weeks. He in that time has slept in the house at least 3 times per week!

 

Should I turn a blind eye or do what I have done by texting her that I would appreciate if you wouldn't conduct yourself with the things you are doing whilst D is in the house. Can you take her to your mums or let me have her which I am not pursueing ref. overnight stays as according to STBXW she won't me until D can communicate/talk with what she needs etc. So I have texted her that I am seeing my solicitor and the courts maybe involved on her reasons for not allowing me to and I sure the courts will be on my side especially when I am concerned who she has over when D is in bed.

 

Update

 

This Friday gone 3/10 I dropped my D off at 7.30pm and ex opened the door wearing just her bath robe and head towel assuming she has just come out of the shower. It was civil. I didn't go in (always drop her off at door) I said she has slept this x amount of hours and had peed her nappy (diper) this amount of times.

Gave my D a kiss and hug and said see you Monday (I have her from 8am til 7pm).

I drove halfway down the road (its now dark) and who should slowly pass me? The nerd!

Well my blood went cold. My D is still up and awake. So you see this winds me up! Face it, if it were roles reversed SHE would have something to say to.

I texted her half hours later that she could have waited for D to be in bed.

I also said I don't agree with her behaviour.

 

She is probably wondering how I knew. But its not rocket science when he parking outside her house numerous occasions from the 12th September.

 

I think this is wrong and so do many others I have spoken to and as her father why shouldn't I have a say or/and be concerned. I couldn't care a hoot anymore who she shags! It cannot be a serious/loving/stable R in that amount of time to justify what she is doing. This isn't normal courtship when a child is involved. I am surprised and shocked by her actions.

 

She is looking for a genuine man who respects her and won't dampen her spirits. How can this be genuine when you are sleeping with a man so quickly and frequently??!! Am I missing something here?

 

Also don't forget I was in love with this woman and have a child with her so although we are now apart it isn't easy to just switch off your feelings. I have with both men shes been with kept a lot of feelings on the matter to myself. But this is my D and I am not just a visitor.

 

Somebody asked how long we have been S?

 

We were together from September 10th 2004. She pulled out of buying a 2 bed house from a 1 bed within 2 mths of meeting me (and losing £1000 fees) and moving into my old marital house. She wanted a fresh start so with 4 mths of meeting we moved to a new 4 bed detached family home. Within 5 mths we were engaged, 9 mths later she was pregnant (planned), 4 mths later we wed (beautiful wedding), 1 week honeymoon in Greece, separated physically in separate beds end of April 2007. House went up for sale in May 2007, sold in 5 weeks, she moved to her parents for 2 mths until her house was ready. I have been here in my own house for approx 12 mths.

Now the D is going through.

During the 2 mths she was at her mums she got flirty with a newly married man (work colleague) who she claims told her he was S 'cos his wife didn't want children. He left for another company a mth before they shagged in her new home. I found all this out and later found out he wasn't S.

But she maintains that he tricked her. She says he gave her attention. Blah blah!

 

Ok I was the main reason we broke up (refer to my previous posts).

 

She would have done anything to save our M. Wanted me to change the things I was doing to cause problems in our M.

She finally gave up. The 'switch' went off!!

 

I guess I smelt the coffee a little too late.

 

5 mths ago May 4th I picked my D up and I was cheerful etc and my ex seemed in an irritable mood. I was asked in (shock) and she let rip with I wish I never met you, I loathe you blah blah. I remained calm with D in arms. 20mins this went on for anf then I said I am leaving.

 

A phone message was left on my home answering machine which I only found out after dropping D back. It was more or less an appology through gritted teeth!!

She was at a low ebb, so therefore stressed, tired, fed up, cheesed off (pissed off!) hurt and upset with all the nasty things I had said during and after our M. She said when she sees me being nice and 'normal' it winds her up and if I was like it when we were together like I was occasionally then we wouldn't be S. But shes still adament she did the right thing after what I have done this year.

In my defence I haven't done that bad this year.

 

This was said 5 mths ago. So she is currently shagging this nerd!

[Nomad1]

I understand how you must feel Smiley, but you are not together and it is not healthy for you to keep tabs on what she is doing. How would you feel if she quizzed you about any woman who entered your house. You are allowing her to steer your emotions. Be happy and care free. The more you show her that you are bothered by what she is doing, the more she will think that she still has power over you, and she will be right.

 

It has been a year and a half man! How much longer will it take for you to let go? You do not own her body! She is the mother of your child and that is the extent of your relationship. You are perpetuating your own suffering. Confront your fears! What are you afraid of! That this man will take your role as a dad? Or is it because you can't have what you want!

 

Let it go Smiley. You will sooner or later, but the sooner, the happier you will be.

 

Take care man.

 

Nomad1

[smileysmile]

Nomad

 

I understand what you are saying.

 

Put yourself in my shoes. Or/and put my ex in my shoes. Would you act differently when it comes to how she conducts herself around my D?

 

Would she act differently than me? I don't think so. She does have the power because she has my D. Yes, she sees me being concerned. Is this a bad thing for a caring father to be?

We aren't communicating with ground rules, boundaries etc with our D best interests and how we act and conduct ourselves when another man/woman is involved. Should I just stay back and say zip?

 

Shall I remain just the visitor?

 

I did not quiz her about her man. I conveyed my thoughts on how she is conducting herself with whomever he is. What I have told you about who is etc ie Nerd etc she doesn't know I know.

 

Do you think I want her to throw stuff in my face in the future and I can't defend myself or say to her that is rich coming from you if I don't have any grounds to back me up. I do now. Let her continue with her man. But stop this with him sleeping over and meeting my D after only knowing him 3 weeks!

 

If we didn't have a child then I would have had closure and moved on.

 

The man will NEVER take my role. I couldn't do it if it was somebodys elses child. D happens to only be 2 next month. That is hard for any guy and for me to stomach. If she was 5/6 I could tolerate it more.

 

I guess I have to stomach it. There is not going to be any mad stuff/harassment with her man. That is not my style.

 

I am dating. When I find somebody I want to be with then maybe things will pan out better.

 

It is hard. I have been pretty good. I have lost a family and a wonderful future. But it is like she is trying to wind me up as she knows she isn't right in what she is doing. There will be hard times ahead for her with our D. She will be entering her terrible 2's and alsorts of whingeing and coughs and colds etc in the next few years.

 

Lets see if the OM can tolerate this. I can, as she is my daughter

[Nomad1]

I can empathise, but let me ask you something, is she doing anything illegal? Of course you would be within your parental rights if you had concerns about the safety of your D., but until then, there is nothing you can do that will stop her. She will probably go through a few guys anyway. They usually do. All I am saying Smiley, is that this is not doing you any good. She is able to press your buttons, because you are allowing her. She no longer has the privilege of occupying your thoughts. Bob Marley's song comes to mind, very appropriate:

 

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our minds!

 

Stop being her slave. Wouldn't you like to occupy your mind with new thoughts about other women? Think of the fun you could be having instead of thinking about your hex hex as Gunny would say?

 

Nomad1

[smileysmile]

Thanks for your comments Nomad.

 

I realize and acknowledge what you are saying.

 

I guess if I was being nice and normal again this would wind her up like I have mentioned above. Maybe she is on such a high with this new guy she is long gone from feeling low and have lost the feelings she had when she looks at me. Maybe this OM is taking her mind off the things that happened to us?

Maybe she is pressing my buttons 'cos of the hurt i caused between us during our M?

Maybe this OM is distracting her from the pain and hurt? Maybe she also wants me to suffer (unconsciously) for putting her where she is today?

 

So how can she have entirely moved on? Reassuring me as the father of her child keeps things civil. If she is dating this nerd.

[Simplycaroline]

Of course she is pressing your buttons. They are so easy to press. She knows that it tick you off that she is with other men and flaunts it in your face. Now if you are going to be nice and normal then be it because it is what responsible healthy human beings are.

 

If she gets ticked that you are being decent that is HER problem. The more she gets pissed the happier you should be. Say something like it is healthier for our daughter to see at least one of her parents in a good mood and behaving responsibly.

 

When you become indifferent to her...who she has sex with and what she does (as long as your daughter is not in danger) some of her behavior is very likely to change. I do not know rather it will be for the better or the worse.

 

What kind of woman was she when you married her? Do you know her dating history? You are not together andd you must live with the fact that the woman that you once loved is going to have sex with other men with your daughter in the house and someday YOU are going to as well.

 

How are you going to take it if she is sending you text telling you what she thinks of you having someone over in your own home while your daughter is there? Your turn is coming around. Then again it may not ever bother her but I do not believe that it will be the case. Much of her behavior is motivated by anger and getting a rise out of you. Stop playing her game and focus on you and your daughter.