It's all gone wrong

[anne1707]

From my thread a few weeks ago, some of you may know that an affair I was having ended, the OM started seeing someone else and I also told my H. I really did try to get over the OM and wanted to work on my marriage. I do love my husband.

 

Many of you recommended NC which was very difficult as the OM and I work together but he then went on holiday and I then went on holiday with my husband. I hoped this would help relieve pressure and also give my H and I chance to strengthen ourselves for MC and the work we needed to do to make our marriage work.

 

But its all gone so wrong. Time away from the OM has meant that I am no longer angry with him and all the feelings I had for him started coming back. I hoped that the holiday with my H would help but I missed the OM. I also hoped that when I went back to work, I would realise that I was just being stupid and would come back to my senses.

 

Instead tonight I told the OM that I still love him and want to be with him. He says he cares for me and was obviously upset by it all but said it was too late and that he has met someone else. I believe that if he was not seeing her then he would be wanting to start our relationship again.

 

Anyway regardless of how the OM feels about me, I could not lie to my H anymore. When he got home, he knew something was wrong and I told him that I still had feelings for the OM. Understandably he is incredibly hurt and angry. I have tried talking to him but he does not want to know. As far as he is concerned, the marriage is over.

 

I don't know what I want. I know that what I feel for the OM is probably infatuation more than love but I cannot get him out of my head. But I also know that if he did express an interest in me and was not seeing someone else, I might well back off. I am being so selfish and wanting the best of both worlds - affair and marriage. But that is no good. I have tried to be honest and it has deservedly backfired on me so instead of 2 men loving me, I will end up alone. More than fair I know.

 

I am not sure what I am after from this thread. My head is in bits. Its hard not to cry. I have to go to work tomorrow and pretend I feel nothing for the OM. And hopefully my H will have calmed down enough soon for us to talk. I want to suggest that he and I still try MC whether that is to make the marriage work or to help us deal with it being over.

[Reggie]

Sadly, anne, your marriage is most likely over. I don't know for sure, but it is very rare for a marriage to survive an affair.

At least you finally got honest with your husband and gave him the information he needs to make decisions about his life. Ball is in his court now. I'd give him space to let him consider what he wants to do. You can also take the time to think about what you want.

[Owl]

Reggie...it is NOT rare for a marriage to recover from infidelity. Seriously...it can be done and it happens...if the couples take the right steps.

 

I'm in a very happily recovered marriage.

 

Anne...now you know exactly why you were given the advice that you got.

 

So here's the thing...

 

...are you going to FINALLY take the steps you need to in order to save your marriage?

 

GO INTO WORK TOMORROW AND GIVE YOUR NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Anything less is just a knife in your husbands back...that goes straight through to his heart.

 

I'm afraid I have no compassion for you...only your H at this point.

 

YOU made the choices you did, knowingly.

 

YOU hold the key now to do the right things...or not.

 

End your marriage, or quit your job and go NC with OM.

 

That's all there is to it.

 

Its SIMPLE...not easy...but SIMPLE.

 

Stop acting like an infatuated school girl. Start acting like a grown woman who has CONTROL of her life.

[anne1707]

My H has asked me to hand in my notice. I am prepared to do that. But he has then said that will make no difference. That we are f****d and there is no chance. I want us to go to counselling even if to help us separate but he will not consider anything.

[Owl]

He's angry, and hurt.

 

And he's got no reason to believe you at this point...you've completely shattered his trust in you.

 

Hand in your notice anyway. Its the right thing to do. And it will SHOW him with actions (instead of words that haven't done any good anyway) that you're SERIOUS about making the changes you need to.

[anne1707]

He wants me to phone my boss tonight by midnight (less than 2 hours to go). So he wants this doing tonight yet he so obviously does not want anything to do with me. I don't blame him for the anger and pain. I am trying so hard to reason with him whilst he is in this state. Yet I asked him to take tomorrow off work and he won't. So I have to resign with immediate effect yet he won't even take a day off! I know I have screwed up but I can't make this work all on my own.

[Owl]

No, but you can make the first step.

 

And you SHOULD...YOU were the one who created the entire situation to begin with, not your H.

 

Why NOT call your boss tonite????

 

I'm sure you aren't comfortable with it...but there's no reason why you CAN'T.

 

And again...maybe your H is wanting to see if you're for real this time, or simply blowing smoke? Remember...from HIS angle...you didn't suddenly change your mind on wanting to work on your marriage and be with OM...you lied the entire time to him about it.

 

See the difference in perspective?

 

If you want to work on your marriage...QUIT.

 

Someone has to take a leap of faith...no?

[troubadour]

Anna1707... you have never completely given up on your affair with OM. You can tall whatever you want but deep down you have been hoping that it would resume... somehow... somwhere...

 

I guess you wanted both... your marriage and your EMR.

 

I just do not understand one thing... you sound like quite intelligent woman so how can you be so... stupid. I appologize using this word but I think it is a right one.

[anne1707]

I understand what you are saying. I am going to try and talk to him again now. It is so hard when he is angry because he gets very cold and detached - ruthless even. It is all very black and white to him which even in this situation is not the reality of it all.

[Owl]

IT IS BLACK AND WHITE.

 

It was the grey thinking that led you into the affair to begin with!

 

Black and white is what it is...

 

Marriage, or OM.

 

Job, or marriage.

 

Married, or divorced.

 

Stop trying to talk with your H right now.

 

Call your manager...submit your notice.

 

THEN talk with your H.

 

Anything less will simply show your H that you're not serious about ending the affair and recovering your marriage.

 

Stop looking for the grey areas that let you keep OM and your H.

[anne1707]

Its all too late now. I was trying to avoid getting nasty but it all just has and things have been said by both of us that can never be taken back. It really is over.

 

I love him but he cannot see that

[whichwayisup]

Give your husband some space. He is hurting like hell inside right now, so back off and just give him breathing room.

 

As for your OM, well, you now see how much he was inlove with you...He wasn't, if he was, he would jump at the opportunity to be with you now, but he hasn't. It was safe before, you were married and he had no worries of it really turning 'that' serious..

 

Reguardless of what happens in your marriage, you need to quit the job and do counselling. With or without your husband.

[whichwayisup]

My H has asked me to hand in my notice. I am prepared to do that. But he has then said that will make no difference. That we are f****d and there is no chance. I want us to go to counselling even if to help us separate but he will not consider anything.

 

If he decides to do counselling, it'll be because he wants to, not because you want him to. As I just mentioned afew seconds ago in my other reply, you do counselling on your own. By doing that, it's the first step of fixing yourself. Right now THAT is just as important as quitting your job.

 

Ask your family, extended family and friends to support you through this, as well posting here.

[whichwayisup]

So he wants this doing tonight yet he so obviously does not want anything to do with me. I don't blame him for the anger and pain. I am trying so hard to reason with him whilst he is in this state. Yet I asked him to take tomorrow off work and he won't. So I have to resign with immediate effect yet he won't even take a day off! I know I have screwed up but I can't make this work all on my own.

 

Don't expect ANYTHING from your husband right now. His bit of trust he was building with you ALL got wiped away. He isn't thinking of you, your needs and your pain. And, you shouldn't expect him to either. Why would he take the day off, probably being at work is his safe haven where he can forget about this and focus on his work.

 

Stop trying to reason with him, in his angry state. It's only going to piss him off more and make you feel worse. Just stop.

[anne1707]

Ask your family, extended family and friends to support you through this, as well posting here.

 

My family are on holiday at the moment. I do not have an extended family. And even now my best friend is probably the OM (as I am his). One friend I did talk to as I thought she would understand (she had an affair for over 2 years, eventually left her H and married her OM this year) and would understand my confusion totally pushed me towards the idea of being with the OM (probably to justify her actions) so that is no good either.

 

Stupidly I have just phoned the OM to talk to as a friend. He quite rightly did not think he was the best person for me to speak to but all I wanted was a friend and to ask for his support if I go back to work.

[whichwayisup]

Anne, you're not thinking clearly at all. Honestly, you might as well go to a hotel room tonight because here you have your husband FREAKING out and absolutely devastated, and you're turning to your OM during this, RIGHT under his nose in the house!

 

Yes, it was stupid to call the OM and he is right, he is NOT the person to talk to about this. Get out the phonebook, look for a therapist, call and book an appointment.

 

You have to quit that job because you cannot handle being around the OM PERIOD, reguardless if you stay married or not.

[anne1707]

Friends don't do what you 2 have done. He's not your friend, never was, and never can be. He's your co-conspirator scheming with you behind your H's back in the destruction of your marriage.

 

 

 

Oh, she unders2d alright! You used her 2 justify the call you made 2 the OM, and she used you 2 justify her marriage 2 her affair partner. This "friend" is no friend either, or she'd be supportive of your marriage first.

 

 

 

If he really believed what he said, why did he answer the phone? Or if he didn't know it was you until he did pick up, why didn't he cut you off?

 

Yes, calling him was s2pid. Your marriage, what's left of it, is doomed until you stop doing s2pid things like this.

 

Good luck. I hope your H is patient enough for you 2 realize that what you're doing isn't working, before he truly quits.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

At one stage the OM wanted the marriage to end but now if he does it is only because he thinks that it is not a truly happy marriage and not because he wants anything more from me.

 

As for the friend, I have not called her tonight so she does not know I have called the OM. I would not trust her for objective advice now anyway.

 

Calling the OM? I called his mobile first and no answer. Called his landline and he answered straight away so I don't think he knew it was me and that I had called his mobile. He could have put the phone down but I think he does care in whatever way he can and does feel some responsibility for where I am right now. He is not offering me anything more than basic support. I know he cares more than he can say but I also know that is because he does not want to give me false hope and is trying to make this new relationship work. IF he and I were to start seeing each other, I would want him to end it with her first. I really do believe that if he was not with her we may stand a chance but that is not the way things are so I have to deal with that.

 

My marriage? It is in absolute ruins now. Some things have been said which can NEVER be taken back.

 

Stupid? Completely. Such a waste.

[orangesean]

You are being so incredibly selfish and irrational right now, I don't understand why you are even defending your actions or acting like you have any sense of entitlement to phone your "friend."

 

First off, everything from your husband's stance was the right thing to do in this situation just as whichwayisup said. You should have called and handed in your two weeks straight away if you seriously cared. Your husband owes you nothing right now, not kindness, not trust, not anything. You should suffer just as he is, he will not happily say "oh baby it's okay, don't let it happen again..."

 

You seriously hurt him, enough to kill a marriage, some people get through, some don't. You probably still have a chance now if you really want to stay with your husband.

 

For some reason you keep vaguely saying "Some things have been said which can NEVER be taken back." Try telling us EXACTLY what was said. I'm going to take a WILD guess and say it was your husband yeling about how awful you are, yet you not saying much back. Did he call you bad names? Did he deface your personality? Did he say he never loved you? Any of those things, while not very tactful, are going to be out of anger, hurt, resentment, and loss of trust.

 

If you want to stay together, you must leave your job, give your husband his space, go complete no contact with the OM FOREVER, and then make sure you guys get tons of counseling and read tons of books.

 

Personally, I think since you had the idiotic notion to phone up the OM, and then TRY TO DEFEND IT, then you should make sure you divorce for your husband's sake. Salt on a wound. Also I think your friend who is so happy from her infidelity should no longer be a friend. So it worked for her, but I don't think she should recommend it to anyone else. That stuff is on your karma and defines someone with bad conscience, if you believe any of that.

 

So even if your marriage saves face, you finally realize the affair was wrong. Do your self a favor and save face during the aftermath. Be mature and logical about it. This OM is not your friend, it doesn't work like that. Your life has changed from this point on drastically. Do not be weak and ever call the OM again. Don't even get with him if your husband leaves. Be strong, seriously.

[anne1707]

Don't be so quick 2 give up before you even try. And please don't think I'm beating up on you. I'm beating up on the infidelity. It's a horrible way 2 live, and no way 2 build a fu2re relationship - of any kind - with anybody.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I don't want to give up. I know our chances of making it work are slim but I would still give it a go. My H won't. I am hoping that after he has slept (if possible tonight) then he may feel differently.

 

As for some of the other points raised:

 

Things said that can NEVER be taken back - I accept all the names my H can throw at me. No problem with that. But we have both said things which are not for this forum which are extremely personal and critical. Heat of the moment stuff that all gets out of proportion but serious damage is done.

 

Leave my job - according to my contract I have to give 6 months notice so me terminating emplyment with immediate effect would literally ruin my career (and I am pretty near the top now). My H knows this as we work in the same sector. If I left now under these circumstances, I would not get another job anywhere near my salary level. I am looking for another job but in my sector, at my level within reasonable travelling distance, one come up every 3 or 4 months at best.

 

Counselling - I want to do that. Desperately. I also want us to properly look at His Need, Her Needs which we did briefly a few weeks ago but I want us to really work at that and see if there is any chance.

 

OM looking for another job - he was but now he seems happy for us to work together. Something I only found out this afternoon and it did **** me off because I think he should be looking to move just as much as I should.

 

Basic support - along the lines of things will work out in the end, nothing more than that.

 

The OM with 2 women on the go- I have had enough of lies and deceit.

 

Beating up on me - I know that is not what is happening so no offence taken. Any criticism I get is truly deserved.

[lkjh]

I would not wish you on my worst enemy! You cheat and expect your H to do all the work and take care of it. You can not possible believe this OM considers you his best friend and that he really wanted you to end your marriage. He just wanted to get into your pants and now that your M is really ending he is worried he might have to keep you around. I'm curious what did you two say that ended your M because I' m willing to bet you stooped to a lower level and compared your H to the OM

[lkjh]

Why don't you wise up a little and read your other thread, the OM asked you to leave your H and when you told you were he immediately backed out. Grant your H a divorce and don't take everything from him.

[anne1707]

I don't expect my H to do all the work. But I cannot make this work on my own.

 

OM and me as friends? - we are. I know we should do NC and I have tried to keep things as just work but he and I always got on really well from the moment we met. I have never found it so easy to get on with anyone from the very first moment we met. He does feel the same on that.

 

To get into my pants - that is possibly why he still behaves the way he does. I told the OM today that in words and actions he does still flirt with me. He denies this but I know that I am not reading too much into all his actions. I am not so stupid to realise that he probably likes having me in the background (and yes I know that contradicts the part about being best friends).

 

Comments made - yes, comparisons were made. That is a real low point and I and very ashamed of what I have done. Comments were made when my H talked about the affair he had years ago andthat he would stay out tomorrow night with a woman and I reacted. Badly.

 

OM backing out when I said I would leave - I know and I hate that I "forget" all the c**p" he has thrown at me where I was used and abused but I also forgive him because I can see how I really hurt him and let him down throughout our affair.

[anne1707]

There is no HR department. The boss knows we are "close" and has taken no action.

 

I will look at any counselling/text that will help my H and I get through this whether we are together or not by the end of it all.

 

The OM is a friend but not the right one - he has said that but I need to act on that.

 

My H and I have been married 13 years, no kids (not through choice). He said tonight that my affair was a reaction to his which was what he thought was the outcome from MC a couple of years ago. This staggered me because whilst it became clear that I still had a lot of unresolved issues regarding his affair, there were other reasons for me not being fully satisfied and happy within the marriage. This also surprised him tonight. To him now this means that MC achieves nothing.

[Reggie]

I'd cut your h a lot of slack on the things said issue. You, on the other hand, don't have same type of pain driving you.

Sounds like the marriage is toast. If you care for your H, try to get him some help. He's hurting big time from your actions.

I know marriages survive but, it is rare. serial cheating and false R situations, the stats are even worse.

You need to get some therapy, too. Tough way to go through life.

[soda]

Your marriage is probably over. You chose to end it when you continued to befriend your jerk of an OM even after your affair was exposed.

 

I am not trying to be mean. I am sorry that you are suffering.

 

If you want any miracles here, you are going to have to create them. You must quit your job, put OM out of your life FOREVER, and get down on your hands and knees and beg for your H's forgiveness. And then, if you're lucky, he may forgive you.

 

Anything short of this, and your marriage will end, and you will be alone.

 

This was my story. I gave my W a last ditch chance after the A, and she didn't keep up with her end of the bargain. MC was a waste.

 

I moved on with my life, and I'm happier without the lies. Likewise, you are a liar and a cheat. That is the truth. If you want to be anything else, start now.

 

I will pray for you. I am sad for you, and I hope that you recover. More importantly, I hope that your husband recovers.