It's all gone wrong

[anne1707]

Managed to get a few hours sleep. Hoped it would clear my head but no joy there. I know that whatever I feel at the moment is nothing compared to how my H feels and I hate that I have hurt him so much. Whilst there were things wrong with the marriage, he never deserved all this.

 

I would love nothing more than being able to get the OM out of my head and make my marriage work. I really did try to do that and at one stage thought it could all work. But I have been so incredibly stupid.

 

Now to be honest I don't know what I want. I know I need some kind of counselling because I cannot live my life like this where I have hurt good men (and that includes the OM). Yesterday I found myself telling them both very similar things and I know I meant what I said when I was speaking to them but I obviously cannot choose both. And really now I have no choice whatsoever. Neither want me and who can blame them.

[Trojan John]

I am not trying to be mean by typing this, but you need to go get an immediate divorce. Point. It is the best thing for all parties involved. None of the advice anyone has given you is penetrating. You are operating with very confused and selfish motives. There is no reason to prolong your marriage other than to cause more misery and confusion for yourself and your husband.

[anne1707]

I am taking today off work (and probably tomorrow as well). The last thing needed now is for me to spend an afternoon with OM in a meeting. My H has gone to work though (he had no choice and did want to stay at home with me).

 

We are both numb with pain and don't know what is happening or what we want and even if what we might want is right. Today I am going to try and arrange counselling for both myself and also for my H and I together. His attitude is that we are separated. He has told me that if I can get myself sorted out and he is still around then we may stand a chance. Either way, I know I need to get myself sorted for the sake of all concerned.

 

I despise the person I have become. I know I have always had a selfish side but according to my H, I always had other aspects to me which compensated for that. But now that has all gone. He says he loves me but does not like me. I can understand that.

 

I know that the love he feels for me even now is more real and genuine than anything the OM has ever felt for me and that makes it even worse that I have these feelings for someone who could never care for me as much as my H does. That adds to the pain and insult that my H now feels because he can see through the OM and his actions.

 

My H and I will probably get divorced. It is hard to see how we can get through this and have something worth holding on to. So much damage has been done. This really is not the way I wanted things to turn out.

[Trojan John]

There is always a different path, you just have to be willing to walk down it. Yours happens to involve some drastic life changes to save your marriage, but you don't seem willing to make them. You have my sympathies.

[anne1707]

There is always a different path, you just have to be willing to walk down it. Yours happens to involve some drastic life changes to save your marriage, but you don't seem willing to make them. You have my sympathies.

 

I know that major changes have to be made for us to even stand a chance. At the moment we are both in shock and need to take stock before we rush into actions that will force us down one route over another. We both need to think about whether we want the marriage to work and if we both want that, what do we need to do to make that happen.

 

If one or both of us does not want the marriage (or I cannot stop my feelings for the OM), then we are over and we have to deal with that too.

 

I know from this point on that nothing will ever be the same again. The fear is that even if we both decided to try and make a go of it, too much has been said and done.

[anne1707]

Just made an appointment for MC - start next week.

[SoulStorm]

This is real heartbreaking to read. You know that you have destroyed your marriage and you harbor feelings for the very person who helped you destroy it. I know that feelings just can't be shut off like a valve, but this man has moved on and you sit pining for him like a teenager with a high school crush. He has made his decision, you need to respect that and stay NC with him. I bet you call him today, I bet you text him. You just are too selfish not to. I'm trying very hard to be objective, but I have seen many people give you good advice on here and you keep running into that oncoming train. The OM. I believe that you once were a good woman, and probably still could be if you just get good counselling, go NC with OM (which is most important) and concentrate on your H. Yes most of the work lies with you on fixing this. You created this bomb and detonated it. Now you have to clean up the mess and collateral damage.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I just feel for your husband. I feel for you too for what its worth. I know you hurt too, but I'm not condoning your hurting over the OM, just how you got yourself into this.

The more you stay NC with the OM the more you will come to love your husband again. Those feelings can come back.

 

Stop being stubborn and selfish and realize that a marriage is about more than one person. It's about two people working and I repeat..working to become one.

 

What you have/had with OM is fantasy. No bills. Not living together and getting use to bad habits. Just infatuation. The same thing you felt for your husband when you met him. Its still there and your marriage can be recovered. How bad do you want it?

[jmargel]

Anne.. I think you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. It's not about what this OM feels/doesn't feel for you. Honestly what I think is that you have an infactuation with this OM and if this OM wanted to pursue something with you further, that you could possibily back off and not allow that to happen. You mentioned that in one of your first posts. You like the challenge, you need to feel wanted. When both guys were wanting you it was an ego boost, it was a high. Now you crashed, just like being on a drug.

 

I think perhaps there has been something missing in your marriage and you are at a weak point. Think back before the affair and how things were between you and your husband. Communication was probably poor, feelings weren't expressed. Sex, happened not so often as it used too, romance, touching and the little things stopped as well. You got so comfortable with each other that you felt those 'little things' were more like a chore and ended up taking each other for granted.

 

Just that you let it slip to the next level. This OM knew what he was doing. He knew your marriage was having problems (because you probably told him). He knew the right things to say. He liked the challenge, he liked being with someone who was devoted to someone else. After he got it the conquest was over. No need to go through all that work anymore, he got his ego satisifed. Now, he's being nice to do damage control. He might care for you as a friend, but in his mind he would never consider wanting a relationship with you. How do I know? Because I was once the OM. At the time it happened with me, I didn't want a relationship but I let her cry on my shoulder and I still said the things she wanted to hear. And even though she was in a very bad marriage, I took advantage of it and it was so wrong.

 

Just like this OM, I was immature, selfish and thought of myself. And just like you, I thought of the instant satisifaction of feeling wanted, 'loved' (a false sense of it), and cared for. It was like a high, not necessarily because it was new, but because it felt good to have someone really, really want you. In my case she wanted to leave her husband for me, I remember the night she came over to tell me how much she was in love with me but I couldn't say the same. She cried so hard that night. I felt awful because she was a mess before and now it's gotten much worse. She wasn't thinking with a clear head and I had to push the NC issue. She tried contacting me but there was no good to come out of it. This allowed her to start thinking clearly and move on. She's divorced now but last I heard is much happier.

 

You also have to look at this like you would a weed. You see this ugly weed and you pull off the leaves, well the weed will just grow back. Pull it out by the roots and it's gone. Just like your situation. If you just deal with the 'topics' (the affair) then your problems will still be there. If you deal with the 'root' of the problem, the issues, (why you did this, the communication between you and your husband, your own emotional issues) then once those are dealt with the topics will go away by themselves. You will push yourself past this affair and realize that, it wasn't love you had for this OM, but a replacement for what you were truly missing.

 

The thing is, if you leave this will follow you. This weed has two little feet and will follow you no matter where you go. That's why when these things happen and the cheating spouse leaves, majority of the time they continue to have problems with new people they try to start relationships with. The problem really resides in you.

 

So all that being said, the marriage can still be saved. Divoricing in my opinion should only be ended if there is abuse involved or if you come to the realization that you two are just too incompatible. Granted the cheating has caused alot of distrust in you and he won't like you for a very long time. That's one of the consequences of cheating. You betrayed your partner who has put the most faith into any one person besides God. He has nowhere to turn. If you can work on the communication, trust and love then you can build on that foundation to make this marriage work.

 

The hurtful things he says to you now is out of emotion. Anytime you say something out of emotion in a negative way it's never good and often not truly meant by the person saying it. It's like a dog snapping at you when you try to help it with it's broken leg. It's being defensive, it's protecting what little it has left. It's scared, it's frieghtened. You have to understand that.

 

This OM, you really have to go NC. There is no other way. Continuing contact with this OM is a sure way to end your marriage. The only way you can reconnect with your husband is to end contact with this other man.

[SoulStorm]

jmargel said what I wanted to say..but nicer.

[anne1707]

jmargel

 

Thank you for your post. I do think so much of what you said is right.

 

I cannot go NC with the OM as we work together but I am looking for another job as I know this is not good for me and my marriage. I will do my utmost not to let conversations etc at work to get personal too.

 

As I said earlier, I have booked an appointment for MC but I have also just been on the phone to sort out IC for me. I have just spent some time talking to a counsellor and should have a face to face appointment next week. I look upon this as helping me gain some clarity as to what I want to do and to also help me fix whatever it is about me that makes me screw up relationships so that whether I finally end up with my H, the OM, or someone else later down the line then I can make it work.

[Owl]

Have you called your boss, explained the situation, told him you want to work on your marriage, and ASKED FOR HIS HELP?

 

Why not simply tell him the truth...you and OM got into an affair, you're trying to save your marriage, and any further contact with OM will likely completely destroy any chance of reconciliation in your marriage.

 

See if your boss can help you come up with a workable gameplan for NC.

 

Work from another location, from home...move OM someplace else, different shifts...SOMETHING.

 

Your situation is far from hopeless yet.

 

There is still MUCH that can be done to save things.

 

But it all starts with YOU.

[SoulStorm]

I re-read my post and I know I sound a bit tyrranical, but honestly..I want your marriage to recover and even if it doesn't..that you become a much better person and are able to find some happiness in life. Good luck anne

[SoulStorm]

Have you called your boss, explained the situation, told him you want to work on your marriage, and ASKED FOR HIS HELP?

 

Why not simply tell him the truth...you and OM got into an affair, you're trying to save your marriage, and any further contact with OM will likely completely destroy any chance of reconciliation in your marriage.

 

See if your boss can help you come up with a workable gameplan for NC.

 

Work from another location, from home...move OM someplace else, different shifts...SOMETHING.

 

Your situation is far from hopeless yet.

 

There is still MUCH that can be done to save things.

 

But it all starts with YOU.

 

Very good advice but

she's still in the "fog" Owl. She still deep down desires a relationship with the OM. Only when she realizes that he is not really an ally, that he preyed upon her weakness, got what he wanted and moved on, will she realize how she really needs to separate herself from him.

[anne1707]

My boss is not great on "emotional" stuff - not that he would be unsympathetic, just very uncomfortable with it - he does know that the OM and I are/have been close.

 

There is no other location - we are all based in one office. We do not operate shifts and working from home is not an option as we are both senior members of staff with departmental responsibilities. There is literally no way that we can avoid each other at work even on a daily basis.

 

I am looking for another job but there are very few at my level in my sector within potential travelling distance. Was annoyed yesterday when I found out that the OM had stopped looking because he feels we can work together (because we get on so well, which I know is the problem). This mess is just as much his as mine and I just think it is another game on his part whereby he enjoys working with me and keeping me "hooked" - and its worked.

[Owl]

All good points, Soul...I agree with what you're saying.

 

The person I really would be giving advice to is her husband...but since he's not the one posting, all I can do is offer advice to the person who is here.

 

I know...right now, she's still so stuck in her affair that she's refusing to see that she CAN fix things...I'm hoping that somehow, some glimmer of this will shine through the fog and she'll take ACTION to prove things to her husband.

 

She doesn't yet understand that her words are meaningless after the lies, deception, betrayal...her H would be a fool to accept anything at face value, other than true ACTIONS made to save the marriage.

[Owl]

My boss is not great on "emotional" stuff - not that he would be unsympathetic, just very uncomfortable with it - he does know that the OM and I are/have been close.

 

There is no other location - we are all based in one office. We do not operate shifts and working from home is not an option as we are both senior members of staff with departmental responsibilities. There is literally no way that we can avoid each other at work even on a daily basis.

 

I am looking for another job but there are very few at my level in my sector within potential travelling distance. Was annoyed yesterday when I found out that the OM had stopped looking because he feels we can work together (because we get on so well, which I know is the problem). This mess is just as much his as mine and I just think it is another game on his part whereby he enjoys working with me and keeping me "hooked" - and its worked.

 

Here's the thing...it doesn't matter if the mess is just as much his...

 

ITS YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

He doesn't count, doesn't matter...AT ALL.

 

The 'game' is when you try to say that he needs to be doing anything at all...he's NOT PART OF THE EQUATION...not if you want to save the marriage.

 

You have to remove him from the equation...its not his job to do so...its YOURS.

 

All any of us here are seeing is a woman involved in an affair who is refusing to take any kind of ACTION to fix her marriage. The #1 thing you need to do is to get out of that situation.

 

Can you take emergency vacation? Vacation at all?

 

You HAVE to do something.

[anne1707]

I have only just come back from 2 weeks holiday so cannot take more at the moment.

 

Not taking action: I am looking for another job. I have arranged both MC and also IC.

 

Fix my marriage: I am working on the basis that that is the aim though both my H and I are aware that I am not clear on whether that is what I really want hence the need for IC. I have just spent some time talking to a counsellor today and have been told that I should have a face to face session arranged soon. I will also continue to use that telephone support line as needed until I can actually see someone.

[SoulStorm]

My boss is not great on "emotional" stuff - not that he would be unsympathetic, just very uncomfortable with it - he does know that the OM and I are/have been close.

 

There is no other location - we are all based in one office. We do not operate shifts and working from home is not an option as we are both senior members of staff with departmental responsibilities. There is literally no way that we can avoid each other at work even on a daily basis.

 

I am looking for another job but there are very few at my level in my sector within potential travelling distance. Was annoyed yesterday when I found out that the OM had stopped looking because he feels we can work together (because we get on so well, which I know is the problem). This mess is just as much his as mine and I just think it is another game on his part whereby he enjoys working with me and keeping me "hooked" - and its worked.

 

I know you just think that I'm just an unempathetic poster..just bashing away at you. That's far from the truth. I'm really trying to help you

 

Owl is right..YOU need to do something the OM will just keep you "hooked" until he can get you in bed again. He feels bad and is a "friend" because he knows what he did was wrong. He doesn't have a marriage to save..but he helped you wreck yours. He is not as GOOD as you think he is.

 

Jobs can come and go..they are not living breathing humans who feel. Your husband should be worth more to you than a job. I applaud the effort to get counselling..but you still got a long journey if you want this to work. Do you think that your husband does not cry to himself when he is alone. When it happened to me, I kept a straight face when I was working, but when I had a break the tears would flow like rivers. Your husband needs YOU more than your job does.

[Owl]

Fix my marriage: I am working on the basis that that is the aim though both my H and I are aware that I am not clear on whether that is what I really want hence the need for IC. I have just spent some time talking to a counsellor today and have been told that I should have a face to face session arranged soon. I will also continue to use that telephone support line as needed until I can actually see someone.

 

Your ambivlant feelings about your marriage are normal for someone in your position...its all part of the standard "script" that these things seem to follow.

 

Here's the kicker...as long as you have ANY kind of contact with OM...any at all...your feelings for your marriage will STAY ambivilant.

 

Affairs are ADDICTIVE. As you've learned.

 

The only way to break the addiction is cold-turkey...in other words...NO CONTACT.

 

And, once that NC is established, the normal "withdrawl" happens, just like with any other addiction.

 

And THEN things slowly get better.

 

I watched my wife go through all of this in our situation.

 

And her feelings for me absolutely did return through that process as well.

 

A word on IC...

 

IC is often the biggest enemy to a marriage that there is. An IC does NOT have any care for anyone else in the situation but you. Their focus is on your happiness...and they don't give a hang about your husband, your marriage, or anything else.

 

There may well be a way to reconcile your marriage AND help you become a happy, healthy person. But that route is NOT one that an IC is likely to take...they'll focus on the shortest, fastest, easiest route for them to heal YOU...and YOU ALONE.

 

Marriage counseling works completely differently than IC.

 

I'd REALLY suggest you get an MC, and work through that FIRST...because that's the most likely route to help you recover BOTH...personally, and your marriage.

[anne1707]

We are starting MC next week so it will work out that MC and IC are in progress at the same time.

 

I can see what you mean about doing MC first but I can also see an argument for IC first in that I need to get myself clear on what I want. There is probably no ideal as it will depend on each relationship/individual.

[Owl]

Anne, there IS an ideal way.

 

This isn't nearly as unique as you might think it is.

 

I mentioned a script...and trust me, after you've seen this same type of situation unfold time and again, it really does seem to become one.

 

Each of you have your part that you play...you, your H, and the OM.

 

And the same steps towards recovering your marriage and/or recovering yourself apply to you in the same fashion as they applied to my wife, and the hundreds of other WS's I've seen over my years here.

 

You might not believe this, but you sound EXACTLY like my wife did over four years ago, right after her affair was brought out in the open.

 

She didn't know if she wanted to stay married or not. Wasn't sure if she'd end up with me, OM, or someone else. She too went to IC and MC. She HATED our MC, because she was held accountable for her choices there. At first, she loved her IC...until the same thing started to happen there as well.

 

Luckily, in my case, we were able to establish NC with OM...she went through the withdrawl phase, pining and crying and depressed and crushed and angry and hurt and you name it...and then got out of it.

 

And eventually made the choice to work on our marriage for real.

 

Four years later...we're in a WONDERFUL marriage still.

 

Food for thought for you, my friend.

[anne1707]

Owl

 

Thank you for your wise words.

 

And I do try to picture a big owl with Bob Newhart's face when I have stupid moments

[Owl]

Owl

 

Thank you for your wise words.

 

And I do try to picture a big owl with Bob Newhart's face when I have stupid moments

 

OK...don't know if you remember this script, but go to Youtube...type in the words "Bob Newhart" and "Stop it"...

 

...and then just picture a big owl sitting on the other side of the desk from you!

[lkjh]

Anne, Im sorry but you just seem to selfish and stubborn to let your marriage work. You had an affair that lasted years, you refuse to give a little, you stay in contact with the OM, you put him on a high horse, you put your H third in your life, and you continue to make the OM part of your decisions. You have to make sacrifices in life and right now you are not doing. Stop using your job as a reason to stay in contact with the OM, your H needs to see that you are making a real effort not these little things like seeing a MC. Just tell your boss you can not come into work anymore, this will look very good to your H especially since you seem to be fighting him on everything else.

[lkjh]

If I cheated on my wife I would be bending over backwards to my M in together!