It's all gone wrong

[Owl]

Anne,

 

Six months from now you are going to look back on your behavior and be embarrassed by it.

 

You will realize how pathetically desperate you became with respect to the OM. You will wonder where you misplaced your dignity, self-respect and common sense. You will realize how inconsiderate you became to your husband and you will realize how little value you placed on your marriage.

 

You can't see it now because you are lost in a fog of emotions that are clouding and distorting the picture. I have a feeling you won't find yourself until you have lost everything meaningful in your life..your husband, marriage, job, and house.

 

And I doubt you will be able to take any advice from the good people here on LS as long as you allow your emotions to rule your actions.

 

Anne, please listen to Taylor.

 

You can dismiss my views and the vast majority of others here as "bitter BS's" if you want...bitter betrayed spouses who are just lashing out. (That's not the case, but that's often the first assumption many make about the long term posters here)

 

But Taylor has been where you're at right now. This is a woman who knows EXACTLY of what she speaks.

 

She was posting here in the EXACT same position you are...several months ago. And look at her advice to you now, based on her experience.

[whichwayisup]

GO ON STRESS LEAVE. Screw the job right now.. Get a Dr's note! Just do it.

 

Maybe because I am tired but I don't quite understand your point here. Why do I need to learn new skills?

 

That poster was giving you that suggestion so you can find another job in a different field.

[SoulStorm]

Guys..your wasting your advice. She doesn't get it. I don't think she wants to get it. She is stubborn and selfish and she is going to keep doing what she wants.

 

This is sad. How can anyone be so heartless. I feel sorry for her husband.

[anne1707]

I do want to get it. I am totally fed up with this mess and want a quiet, ordinary but special life with my husband.

[troubadour]

I absolutely agree with SoulStorm.

 

Anne1707 loves to read your advice but she is not going to act on it. She wants to keep the door open for her and OM to resume their affair in the future. She is dreaming about this moment and there is no way that she would close the door to it. And she wants OM to know that the door is wild open. Whenever he is ready... she is all wet and ready.

 

As for leaving her job... at this point it is clearly not an option and it would be quite foolish considering that very likly she is going to be a single girl again.

[SoulStorm]

I do want to get it. I am totally fed up with this mess and want a quiet, ordinary but special life with my husband.

 

No you don't

[Lizzie60]

I do want to get it. I am totally fed up with this mess and want a quiet, ordinary but special life with my husband.

 

Methink you want a quiet, ordinary life with your husband only NOW that the OM won't take you back.. you just want your husband cause you don't want to be alone.. period.. you don't really love your H.. you love yourself.. come on... I know.. I am also selfish.. lol

 

if the OM would have taken you back... your H wouldn't even be in your thoughts anymore..

[SoulStorm]

Methink you want a quiet, ordinary life with your husband only NOW that the OM won't take you back.. you just want your husband cause you don't want to be alone.. period.. you don't really love your H.. you love yourself.. come on... I know.. I am also selfish.. lol

 

if the OM would have taken you back... your H wouldn't even be in your thoughts anymore..

 

that's the bottom line

[Sup]

I agree as well!

 

Comments made - yes, comparisons were made. That is a real low point and I and very ashamed of what I have done. Comments were made when my H talked about the affair he had years ago andthat he would stay out tomorrow night with a woman and I reacted. Badly.

 

So you told your hubby how good OM was in bed, how much larger and longer, and longer and better orgasmic sex that you had while violently riding on top of your OM! Talk about putting salt in a wound! It's bad enough that your husband will never get those images out of his head, now you blatently shoved it in his face out of spite? I'm surprised he didn't just knock you right in the face where you stood! That kind of evil will get someone killed!

 

Anyway, if it were me, I'd throw you out of the house and change the locks, then contact the best lawyer I could and take you to the cleaners! Your husband deserves so much better!

 

BTW, you remind me of that smooth woman who was on the OM/OW forum, who tried to play everone into thinking that she couldn't quit her job, as it turned out, she didn't play us! We knew that she wasn't looking for the real advise on how to save her marriage! It was all just a sham! That's right, she was still trying to get with her OM, the last I heard, she was possibly gonna lose her job, and her hubby had already moved on with the children!

 

She even told her husband not to come on to these forums, well, he didn't listen and we helped him to get ready for his new life! Why don't you let your hubby come on here and post his side of things? I'm interested in hearing his side of things!

[anne1707]

I agree as well!

 

She even told her husband not to come on to these forums, well, he didn't listen and we helped him to get ready for his new life! Why don't you let your hubby come on here and post his side of things? I'm interested in hearing his side of things!

 

He read my last thread and has started reading this one. If he wants to contribute then he can.

 

Do I want a life with H or with the OM? Thats what I am trying to resolve. It doesn't matter whether the OM wants me or not, it is what is going on in my head that affects the marriage. From the madness of a few days ago, things have calmed down (though I have yet to go back to work). My H and I are talking about things and we both want to work on us even whilst we are both unsure of what we want unless/until one or both of us says its not what they want.

 

I am not after sympathy, I am not saying I am a victim in this or that my H has treated me so badly that he drove me to this. On the contrary he is a loving, kind man who (at least up until this) would do anything for me. He is the best person I know. Whilst there are problems in the marriage (for the affair to have started in the first place, let alone problems we face now), he has not caused this. We neglected our marriage in some ways which if we are to make this work, we will need to address. I also, whatever happens, need to address whatever it is in me that makes me act so selfishly and sometimes seem to do whatever is the worst thing I could under the circumstances.

 

The things I said that cannot be taken back - yes, comparisons were made. That is possibly the lowest thing I have done and is completely unforgivable. My H has recognised that things were said in anger and pain but that does not mean that he can forget them. This is in some ways the biggest stumbling block now because as he has said, it will haunt him whenever we are together and maybe that is something he cannot (and should not) have to deal with.

[whichwayisup]

(though I have yet to go back to work).

 

Again, get a DR's note and go on stress leave. Just do it for you, your marriage and mental health. WORK is work, your sanity is much more important. Fix you and then you can start working on your marriage with your husband.

 

Once you do decide what you want it'll be easier. Therapy will help you resolve and let go of the OM, IF that is what you decide. Therapy will also help you move towards your husband and focus on him in the marriage - Being in limbo like you are now, not really sure of whom it is you want - Is killing you and your husband.

[Bryanp]

Hello Anne,

 

I wish you luck but the fact that you made very hurtful comparisons of your husband to the OM to your husband seems like a probable deal breaker. Your description of your husband sounds like it will be very difficult to find someone who was so kind and willing to do anything for you. Sometimes people have to learn the truth the hard way.

 

Can you imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your husband told you in angry that sexually you were a totally loser compared to his beautiful lover. I think your self esteem and ego would be shot. I think it is good that you look at individual counseling to understand now what made you have an affair but also what would allow you to say such horribly hurtful remarks to a kind person who would have done anything for you. Your story is so painfully sad that you could be so cruel to a spouse who loves you. I do hope you find the help that you need.

[Sup]

Again, get a DR's note and go on stress leave. Just do it for you, your marriage and mental health. WORK is work, your sanity is much more important. Fix you and then you can start working on your marriage with your husband.

 

Once you do decide what you want it'll be easier. Therapy will help you resolve and let go of the OM, IF that is what you decide. Therapy will also help you move towards your husband and focus on him in the marriage - Being in limbo like you are now, not really sure of whom it is you want - Is killing you and your husband.

 

 

You know, WWIU, She's not gonna leave her job, the fact that she mentioned that her hubby is reading the threads, reminds me of what Smooth said, she said the same exact thing! However, come to find out it wasn't true! She doesn't seem honest to work things out with her husband, otherwise she would've quit her job. Her ruining her career? She should have thought about that before she decided to ride her OM!

 

I'm just surprised that she and OM weren't fired over this! That happens a lot you know.

 

She just needs to let her husband go and trade her in for two twenty year olds! If you're reading hubby, You'd do yourself well in dropping this chick to the curb, and moving on with your own life, there's 6 Billion other women, give or take, and many of those women would KILL to have a husband like you! You don't have to settle for someone who doesn't give a crap about your mental and emotional well being. Then shoots her mouth off about how good it was! That just shows how much she disrepects you, honestly, if you did this to her, do you think she would be even considering taking you back, or putting up with these actions? Get tested for STD's. Get away from this CHEATER! You deserve so much better!

[anne1707]

I do hope you find the help that you need.

 

So do I. Whatever happens, I do not want to remain the kind of person I have become.

 

 

Sup - I am telling the truth. My H knows about these threads and read the first one and some of this. He has now chosen not to read more and does not wish to post to LS. I cannot prove that but that's the way it is.

 

And yes, my H does deserve so much better than me.

[Geishawhelk]

I just can't believe that she would either suggest to, or let, her husband read these threads, with all the comments she's made....

If I were he, and reading this, I'd also be planning how great it would be to finally have the house to myself, and be packing her stuff....into bin liners.

 

This is a baaaad thing.

[anne1707]

I just can't believe that she would either suggest to, or let, her husband read these threads, with all the comments she's made....

If I were he, and reading this, I'd also be planning how great it would be to finally have the house to myself, and be packing her stuff....into bin liners.

 

This is a baaaad thing.

 

So I get criticised if he does not read this and criticised if he does!

[Sup]

So I get criticised if he does not read this and criticised if he does!

 

 

He wasn't the one who cheated....... What? Should we criticize him for your choices? You have to remember that you did this to him! Your husband's self esteem and self worth are completely shot! That may be why he hasn't thrown you out, yet. It sounds like he hasn't even hit the anger stage, yet! When he does finally hit that stage, All Hell Will Break Loose! Then you won't want to stay with your husband! He may have been angry a little, the REAL Explosion is yet to come! You may even be afraid for your own life! That's why your hubby needs help NOW! People like your husband sometimes kill themselves because they had no help, sometimes it's everyone around them including themselves, you don't believe me, watch the news sometime!

[anne1707]

I was not criticising my H. That's the last thing I would do. What I was getting at was how some posters have implied that my H does not know about this thread and that he should see it and then some have said how on earth could I let him read it. All I have done is tell him about the thread if he wanted to read it - his choice.

 

As for his anger, I know he is keeping it bottled up and I have encouraged him to go to IC for him to deal with this and any other things he may need to tackle to help him get through all this. This is on top of both MC and IC (for me) which starts this week.

[troubadour]

You are right, anne1707... you are not criticising your housband. You are just eating his soul.

[imagine]

Hey again Anne

 

Your sitch is a pretty worn route.

 

You are a junkie. Yes, A junkie. No offense to you but here are the facts:

 

Your affair produced PEA endorphins. You felt euphoria. You were "in love" These are typically produced for six months before the body slows down production. Sneaking around boosts excitement and maintains the "high".

 

When you and OM broke up, production of endorphins stopped. The euphoria lifted and you partially realized the consequences of your addiction.

 

You returned to your regular domestic pattern with the very best intentions. Unfortunately, OM was integrated as part of this system, and this allowed opportunity for the body to recuperate and begin cycling the PEA's again. You were warned many times, but you had justified your course of action on expediency. This prioritization of finances and career above domestic relationship set the groundwork for disaster.

 

Your holiday with your H should have been an opportunity for H to deposit credits into your "love bank", trouble is that you have place an inordinate load on his patience bank. Lets see... trouble/hassle at home versus the ideal of what you had with OM. Then, even more and more thinking about OM. You buy into the unrealistic and untried reality that you perceived with OM.

 

Oops!

 

Unconscious withdrawal from H ensues. You may then have justified your withdrawal with the thought "If I love OM, then could I ever have loved H?"

 

Returning to work, your PEA's recharge and are ready to resume the habit.

 

Curiously, you will remain longer in this state of euphoria through affair or on-and-off contact than if you just married OM.

 

So, what to do?

 

I join with the sonorous chorus... Go cold turkey, there is no place for weaning off the OM.

 

But you won't... there's career and contract... and "the marriage is going to die anyway because I'm not comit......"

[SoulStorm]

I applaud you guys for the effort, but it like pulling a dead elephant.

 

Cheating on someone is like causing soul homicide. Their alive but tremendously damaged.

 

Anne has done this to her husband...quadruples the damage by comparing him (probably penis size no doubt and whatever else to twist the knife)

I don't care how heated an argument gets, that's something you just don't do if you love someone.

 

I guess losing her husband is far better than losing her job.

Its one thing to say you're sorry, but it's another thing to BE sorry.

[anne1707]

Anne has done this to her husband...quadruples the damage by comparing him (probably penis size no doubt and whatever else to twist the knife)

quote]

 

Actually on size, I have been very critical of the OM and very complimentary of my H.

[troubadour]

At least we know now why your OM is an ex-cockold husband.

[LifesontheUp]

In the beginning of my xH's affair I wanted so desperately for him to kick his OW to the back of beyond.....to get her moved to another office - you see we all worked in same one. If he had done this for me it would have shown me he wanted us to work. But he didn't, he left her there so he could have access to her. It quickly killed any feelings I had left for him and when he finally woke up and wanted her gone it was too late.

 

See Anne, I know exactly how your husband feels and its not good. He has been looking for a sign of commitment from you for months now. I've posted before to get out of that office before he goes past the point of no return and you are still there making excuses and getting your OM fix. I think you have blown it, you have been told here what to do for months but are too fixated and selfish to get it.

[anne1707]

I must admit I had been getting frustrated with much of what was being said to me on this thread because I felt as if I was getting bashed all the time over what I have done when I am now trying to make my marriage work. I was also staggered last night by the strength of my husband's reaction when he finally finished reading through the whole thread - he described it as venomous.

 

So I sat down and read through it all again.

 

I knew the posts I made on Wednesday night were going to be bad when emotions were running so high and that would have continued on Thursday but I could see that even since then the posts I made did not seem to fully reflect how I am now feeling. I can see how the posts show me as totally wrapped up in my world, thinking about the OM, defending both him and myself and it is as if my H just has to put up with it. But this is not the case.

 

So where am I now?

 

Yes, I am too wrapped up in my world and not thinking about anothers enough. I do need to think more about my H and look after him in a way I have not for a long time. I can look back at past relationships and see a trend in my behaviour and I want to put an end to that. I am hoping that the IC will help me address that.

 

I can see that my feelings for OM have to be dealt with. It is an infatuation and he does not deserve me spending any more time and energy in thinking about him. Even I deserve better. I know I have to go NC and there has been much debate about whether I should quit my job. My H is of the opinion that I cannot win on this one. If I quit my job, that gives the marriage a better chance in one way but then it would financially ruin us and we have not got the strength to deal with that as a couple and that would probably split us. He also sees it that me quitting does not achieve anything at the moment because he feels I would still find excuses for getting in touch with the OM.

 

So I will have to go to work tomorrow and find a way of going NC as much as I can within that situation until I can find another job - and that is a priority for me. I also need to properly "get over" him. I seriously did think I was doing that up until a couple of weeks ago but much more needs to be done. No matter how much I want my marriage to work, it will not stand a chance whilst I still harbour feelings for the OM. Again I hope that the IC will help me realise what is and is not real and put an end to this nonesense.

 

As for how I feel about my husband, I really do love him. He is just the most amazing man and I really do believe that he is the man I am supposed to spend my life with. I know that our chances our slim. There is so much to overcome. I know neither of us are certain that we want to make a go if it at the moment but whilst neither of us has made a definite decision to end us, I want to see if we can work. I also know that we may make some kind of recovery for a year or so but then still split. We need to address the problems in our relationship not just from the aftermath of the affair but also those that have lead us both to not being fully satisfied with our relationship. I also know that we may not be able to deal with the problems and that my H may decide that he just cannot forgive me for what I have done and have to end the marriage for his own self-respect. We are going to go to MC and take it step by step.

 

I also recognise the concerns raised by some on IC and how that may focus on "fixing" me to the detriment of my marriage. I will see if IC is possible through the MC service but if it is not, I think I will still need to go to IC as I need to change my ways. However I will be wary of the focus - I was staggered when the counsellor I spoke to on the phone said do not leave my job as I need stability. This is not the counsellor who I will be seeing face to face and it is not something I agree with. How on earth can there be any stability whilst I work with the OM.

 

I really do see things more clearly than I did I few days ago. But I also know that I felt as if I was getting through this before so I know that there is much to be done and that it may not work. I do not want to carry on this half life any more.