It's all gone wrong

[anne1707]

. Just tell your boss you can not come into work anymore, this will look very good to your H especially since you seem to be fighting him on everything else.

 

So we lose over half our income, cannot afford to pay the mortgage, lose the house, get declared bankrupt, end up living in a grotty, run down, small rented house, I cannot get another job unless I take a salary cut of 75%....

 

Yes, I can see how that would help

[Owl]

Well...what would your H prefer?

 

That loss of income and you seeking another job...but having a chance of reconciling the marriage...

 

...or you staying where you're at, but the massive probability that your marriage will end in divorce?

 

Hang on...he's already weighed in on this...yes?

 

Also...divorce will cost you MUCH more than a temporary loss of income will.

[lkjh]

Its not what you want its what your H wants! You made this decision when you had an affair. Look in reality your Probable going to get a divorce anyways because from what I have read M after affairs only last when the party that had the affair does everything they can to put their M back together and you have not done that.

 

You are using your job as a reason to stay in contact with the OM. Even now you admitted that you called him yesterday a couple of times even when he was avoiding your calls.

[anne1707]

My H did ask me to resign but then withdrew that request because he feels the financial pressures would split us plus he does not want to ruin my career.

 

And I know that says so much about how good a man he is.

[anne1707]

You are using your job as a reason to stay in contact with the OM. Even now you admitted that you called him yesterday a couple of times even when he was avoiding your calls.

 

He did not avoid my calls. He had not heard his mobile. He also answered his mobile today when I had to phone him to tell him I would not be at a meeting today that we were both due to attend (I have taken today and tomorrow off work).

[lkjh]

Look you are the only poster I have seen where nobody agrees with you. In our other thread you spent the whole time trying to prove the OM actually cared about you and you refuse to let himgo. You have been posting since July and you have changed absolutely nothing. You H asked you to quit a but then after your fight he said there is no point in you quitting because the M is f*****. You have done nothing since you started posting here but yet you want your life to be just fine.

[Owl]

I made the same mistake your H is making at first...

 

My wife wanted to be "free"...she wanted a trial seperation.

 

I started helping her get ready for that. Updated her resume, helped her work on applications, etc...

 

Then I found out she'd been in contact with OM again, and I realized that she wasn't looking for a trial seperation to see if WE had a chance...she wanted a trial seperation to see if HER AND OM would work out.

 

That same day, she informed me she was looking at an apartment that required a year lease...and told me that any trial seperation would be at least that long.

 

The next day, I started gathering information on divorce in our state. And I told her clearly, I was not willing to be her backup plan. If she wanted to seperate for a year, then she needed to file for divorce, because there was no way I was going to put my whole life on hold for a year while she explored her options with OM.

 

It was her wake up call. She realized I wasn't going to be her backup plan. I wasn't willing to sit there and support her plan to do this to me. If she left...it was OVER.

 

Honestly...I think you're walking that same path with your insistence that you be allowed to continue to work with OM.

 

Your H needs to set a firm boundary...leave that job and end contact with OM, or lose him completely.

 

Anything less is going to let you keep BOTH of them dangling on.

[anne1707]

I have actually told my H that he needs to be tougher with me. Maybe I do need to feel the pain of losing him to realise how much I want him. I don't know.

 

I can see why my H would need to distance himself from me for his own self-preservation.

[Owl]

If you know that your H needs to be tougher on you...

 

...and you know what he needs to insist on (like NC with OM...ergo, new job)...

 

...then why aren't YOU making those choices to help your H?

 

Tracking with me here?

 

Again...I get you don't want to lose your job.

 

But this is all just standard consequences of having an affair with a co-worker. If this was something you were totally and completely set on...you should have considered that before you allowed the situation to progress.

 

Not bashing you...but not going to coddle you either.

 

You poop in the catbox, you gotta have a plan to dodge the land mines later...or look for a new catbox when this one is full.

[Gzus]

Anne, if I were your husband, there'd be no question Id leave. I'd also go to your work, beat the dog **** out of the OM and spend a nite or two in jail if necessary (well worth it in my eyes). Further, I'd never talk to you again. (Im sure to get flamed for all this, I know its' not pc, but Im a man, after all)

 

Im not trying to make you feel bad, as Im sure you already do, but the fact that your husband is even willing to work on the marriage tells me he loves you more than you know. Im sure he's absolutely gutted. There is no pain like knowing your wife/gf was ****ing somebody else.

 

And the financial part is what is really going to screw you all. If you stay at that job, your marriage wont have a prayer. Trust me.

[anne1707]

I know. It's my mess and I have to deal with the consequences

[anne1707]

I do not hold my husband responsible. Fault lies with me and I know I have been selfish and weak. I actually think for my husband's sake, he needs to be tougher with me. He has put up with far too much ****. The love he has shown for me is so much more than I have ever deserved. He has shown such strength of character.

 

(and yes, he does want to beat the **** out of the OM).

[Owl]

I do not hold my husband responsible. Fault lies with me and I know I have been selfish and weak. I actually think for my husband's sake, he needs to be tougher with me. He has put up with far too much ****. The love he has shown for me is so much more than I have ever deserved. He has shown such strength of character.

 

Then what are you going to DO about it????

[Gzus]

He should confront the OM. Truthfully, it will make him feel better and help him regain a sense of confidence and masculinity in physically dominating a male who screwed around with his wife. That's a perfectly natural response and all the touchy feely bull**** people throw out nowdays is all just an elaborate excuse for being a p*ssy. (taking the 'high' road, being more 'mature', etc)

 

If you cant get over this guy, let your husband go. its not fair to him. He sounds like a good person who is crippled by his love for you. If he'd take a little more charge with you and set FIRM boundaries, perhaps you would feel differently.

[Treasa]

So we lose over half our income, cannot afford to pay the mortgage, lose the house, get declared bankrupt, end up living in a grotty, run down, small rented house, I cannot get another job unless I take a salary cut of 75%....

 

Yes, I can see how that would help

 

My mother divorced my father after he started abusing me when I was two years old. He didn't pay child support despite her taking him to court several times. So she was supporting both of us alone. And then she got laid off.

 

We didn't live in a "grotty, run down, small rented house." Yes, it was rented, but we made it by somehow. I'm sure that even with a smaller income, with the both of you having jobs (which is pretty good in this economy) you'd still be able to afford something livable. You may have to sell your current house, but I assume you could use what you've already put into it to invest in a smaller one.

 

Now, if your husband really doesn't want you to quit your job, then that's his business. But it honestly sounds like you're still making excuses.

 

You made a comment earlier about how a counselor might help you get through things, despite whether you end up with your H, or the OM...

 

Why is the OM even a consideration at this point? You mention that your female friend can't give you objective advice, so you turn to the OM for friendship. Do you honestly think he's going to be able to give you object advice??

 

You're clearly still smitten with this guy. While you continue to be, I don't think your marriage stands a chance, unfortunately.

[Al_Bundy]

Anyway regardless of how the OM feels about me, I could not lie to my H anymore. When he got home, he knew something was wrong and I told him that I still had feelings for the OM. Understandably he is incredibly hurt and angry. I have tried talking to him but he does not want to know. As far as he is concerned, the marriage is over.

 

I don't know what I want. I know that what I feel for the OM is probably infatuation more than love but I cannot get him out of my head.

 

 

And that was worth risking your marriage over to a man you claim to love?

 

So is your husband getting an attorney?

 

 

But I also know that if he did express an interest in me and was not seeing someone else, I might well back off. I am being so selfish and wanting the best of both worlds - affair and marriage. But that is no good. I have tried to be honest and it has deservedly backfired on me

 

 

You only wanted to be honest once you thought the OM was seeing someone else.

 

Honesty isn't about hoping you'll make things better, its about doing the right thing and giving your husband the right to know what is going on in his life so he can decide the fate of his life.

 

 

so instead of 2 men loving me, I will end up alone. More than fair I know.

 

You will end up alone for the meantime. Are these the only 2 men in the world or something?

 

However, if you keep on acting like a schoolgirl who can't make up her mind which guy she wants to be with in the future, then yes, you WILL end up alone.

 

 

I am not sure what I am after from this thread. My head is in bits. Its hard not to cry. I have to go to work tomorrow and pretend I feel nothing for the OM. And hopefully my H will have calmed down enough soon for us to talk. I want to suggest that he and I still try MC whether that is to make the marriage work or to help us deal with it being over.

 

Whether he calms down or not, and if he does calm down and decide he doesn't want his family destroyed over what you did, don't be fooled into thinking that he isn't staying for the right reasons. Even though you did this, he is a man. He will be thinking of his kids(I assume you have kids since almost everyone on here with stories like this does).

If he stays with you, there will be deep rooted resentment towards you, he just may choose to bottle it up.

[anne1707]

I am going to do NC as much as I can within work. Polite and professional, whilst not causing an atmosphere for colleagues. I am meeting a recruitment agency in a couple of weeks and going through trade press looking for possible jobs.

 

I have both MC and IC sessions booked for next week and know that they are both going to be tough and painful but it needs to be done.

 

I am being honest with my H - sometimes too honest as far as he is concerned. But I will not lie any more.

 

I still don't know whether I want the marriage to work but I will try to work towards that unless I or my H make a decision against us remaining together.

 

I will not approach the OM to express my emotions anymore. I need to move on from that. I have told him this what I plan to do and that I want us to both go to work and act as if the conversation he and I had did not take place. To put it behind us. I actually told him that when we were talking together yesterday before everything came out at home.

 

Whether my life is with my H or not, I want it back.

[Al_Bundy]

I understand what you are saying. I am going to try and talk to him again now. It is so hard when he is angry because he gets very cold and detached - ruthless even. It is all very black and white to him which even in this situation is not the reality of it all.

 

Of course its black and white to him. Is he suppose to understand and have sympathy for you having sex with another man?

[Treasa]

Whether my life is with my H or not, I want it back.

 

It will be very admirable if you manage to go through with all of this. Finding a new job, keeping contact as brief and professional as possible with the NC (that means not discussing things unless they're strictly work-related), and going through counseling.

[anne1707]

.

 

We didn't live in a "grotty, run down, small rented house." Yes, it was rented, but we made it by somehow. I'm sure that even with a smaller income, with the both of you having jobs (which is pretty good in this economy) you'd still be able to afford something livable. You may have to sell your current house, but I assume you could use what you've already put into it to invest in a smaller one.

 

.

 

In the current market, I don't think we would be able to sell the house before we can no longer afford the mortgage payments if I give up my job even if I get one on a lower salary. That would mean reposession and not able to get back on the housing market.

[Owl]

You and your H need to jointly send OM a letter, telling him that the affair was wrong, and it is OVER.

 

If you're going to remain at work...you need to find some PLAN to go to NC as much as humanely possible. I still think you need to talk with your boss, even if he's not good for emotions. Explain to him that you NEED this to happen in some fashion, or it will adversly impact your work.

 

I know you don't know what you want right now.

 

But you also need to realize its totally unfair to expect others to wait on your choices too. They NEED you to do the right thing...NOW...not when you suddenly feel like it.

 

You know what you NEED to do. You just don't WANT to do them right now. If you can't do it for yourself...do it for your husband.

[Treasa]

In the current market, I don't think we would be able to sell the house before we can no longer afford the mortgage payments if I give up my job even if I get one on a lower salary. That would mean reposession and not able to get back on the housing market.

 

Yes, this is true. Sometimes our negative actions have negative consequences.

[anne1707]

You and your H need to jointly send OM a letter, telling him that the affair was wrong, and it is OVER.

.

 

As far as the OM is concerned, if you believe what he says, the affair is over. If he is game playing, why give him the satisfaction of more attention?

[lkjh]

Since your very first post back in July you have been saying that you are going to find another job and do NC. I just don't think you have what it takes. You are trying everything you can to keep this OM in your life.

[Owl]

If the OM says its over...why are you hesitating about whether you want a life with OM or H?

 

I've offered you all the advice I can, friend.

 

At this point...there's nothing left to SAY...only things left to DO.