It's all gone wrong

[anne1707]

Since your very first post back in July you have been saying that you are going to find another job and do NC. I just don't think you have what it takes. You are trying everything you can to keep this OM in your life.

 

 

I cannot say more about my job as I might start creating problems for keeping identities anonymous. However I can assure you that at my level, in my sector (which is specialised hence lack of positions and everybody within the sector knowing each other), within a 2 hour commute of where I live, suitable jobs only come up once every few months. I applied for the last one which was in August (and was interviewed) and am just waiting for any other suitable opportunity that comes up.

[anne1707]

If the OM says its over...why are you hesitating about whether you want a life with OM or H?

.

 

Isn't that in some ways because of what I have been told on LS. How the OM feels is irrelevant. But if I have feelings for him, even if not reciprocated, then my marriage cannot work.

[Owl]

But you've been told, over and over and over...that if you break contact completely with him, and work on your marriage...your feelings for him will fade...and your feelings for your H will return.

 

I've seen it repeatedly.

 

The issue is that you REFUSE to take any direct action which would actually cause this to happen.

[anne1707]

Strangely (and possibly tying in with Owl's view of IC), when I spoke to the counsellor earlier today, she advised me not to move jobs as I needed that stability whilst the rest of my life is going through so much upheaval. I did find that very odd.

[whichwayisup]

Strangely (and possibly tying in with Owl's view of IC), when I spoke to the counsellor earlier today, she advised me not to move jobs as I needed that stability whilst the rest of my life is going through so much upheaval. I did find that very odd.

Is this counsellor tied into marriage counselling as well? If NOT, then this counsellor is only thinking of you. Not your husband and what's best for your marriage. Make sure you use the same counsellor for both individual and marriage counselling.

 

You HAVE to quit your job, this counsellor is WRONG.

 

You can tell work that you need to be off on stress leave, get a Dr's note too. Take time off. No excuses, just do it.

[anne1707]

For now it is separate counsellors - the MC is first and I would rather that counsellor also provided IC but knowing how that counselling service operates, it could be another month before IC could start. Hence going for IC through another route to start making some progress.

 

And I do not hold with the idea of not leaving my job. I have to leave. I am not going to just quit. The financial consequences would be a disaster for my marriage but I know that my H will never really accept us being bacl together whilst I still work there so I will get another job as soon as I can.

[Al_Bundy]

Strangely (and possibly tying in with Owl's view of IC), when I spoke to the counsellor earlier today, she advised me not to move jobs as I needed that stability whilst the rest of my life is going through so much upheaval. I did find that very odd.

 

I find that very disturbing and unfortunate for your husband.

 

I think your counselor is wrong. As long as you are at that job, as far as I'm concerned, recovery of your marriage is impossible.

 

The counselor should know better than to expect your husband to put up with you being around the OM. And I am thinking your husband won't put up with it and end the marriage.

[anne1707]

Also:

Get your H on your side. You said you just called the OM 2 tell him you were taking the day off. Why didn't you call your boss instead?

-ol' 2long

 

I emailed my boss last night but had to call the OM because he was not in the office and I was due to meet him at a meeting - professional courtesy.

 

 

I find that very disturbing and unfortunate for your husband.

 

I think your counselor is wrong. As long as you are at that job, as far as I'm concerned, recovery of your marriage is impossible.

 

The counselor should know better than to expect your husband to put up with you being around the OM. And I am thinking your husband won't put up with it and end the marriage.

 

I agree with you on this and will not stop looking for another job.

[Owl]

What do you expect your H to do while you're looking for another job?

 

Can you imagine what its going to be like for him, EVERY SINGLE DAY that you go out the door and go to work? Can you picture the thoughts that will go through his mind as you go out the door? The feelings that will be in the pit of his stomach as he sees you leave? Have you given any thought what all of this is going to do to him, and how every day he's going to have to deal with the same trauma over and over and over, as you go to work with OM, and then come home again that night?

 

Take five minutes, put aside your feelings for OM, and try to imagine what this will all be like for your husband. Imagine what he'll be dealing with, each and every day.

[Gzus]

Owl's dead on. You dont leave that job, you dont have a chance. Husband will have deep seated resentment and insecurity in the relationship.

 

sometimes money isnt the most important thing in life.

[Al_Bundy]

I emailed my boss last night but had to call the OM because he was not in the office and I was due to meet him at a meeting - professional courtesy.

 

 

 

 

I agree with you on this and will not stop looking for another job.

 

Well good luck and I hope you find one. You'll kill 2 birds with one stone, show your husband you are trying to do the right thing, and getting away from the other guy.

[Treasa]

You say you don't want to lose one person's income or live in a rented place, right? What exactly do you think is going to happen if your husband divorces you? You'll be down to one salary anyway, and most likely in a rented place.

 

Of course, I'm sure that in response to that you're going to say that you make much more than your husband does, which makes me wonder if you make more than your husband does in ADDITION to you getting a lower paying job. If that's the case, this might be a good time to pick up some new skills. I have a high-paying job for a Bachelor's degree, mainly because of my skills and the areas of study I chose to focus on.

[In Like Flynn]

If your willing to give professionally courtesy:sick: to the Other Scumbag, when do you give marital courtesy to your husband???

[anne1707]

Of course, I'm sure that in response to that you're going to say that you make much more than your husband does, which makes me wonder if you make more than your husband does in ADDITION to you getting a lower paying job. If that's the case, this might be a good time to pick up some new skills. I have a high-paying job for a Bachelor's degree, mainly because of my skills and the areas of study I chose to focus on.

 

Maybe because I am tired but I don't quite understand your point here. Why do I need to learn new skills?

[Trojan John]

Have you spoken with your husband since yesterday? What does he say?

 

As an aside, it would be highly beneficial if you stop contacting the OM, especially for little things like "professional courtesy". It's quite obvious that you're only looking for excuses to phone him.

[anne1707]

My H and I are talking - though that is very difficult and painful at the moment as we really have no idea of what is going to happen and what we want. Things will be ok and then suddenly it starts getting too emotional and stressful. We are trying to back-off when it gets like that but is hard because of the anger and pain we both feel.

 

As for OM - I had to call him about work, there was no way round it, the conversation lasted about a minute. If he was just another colleague, I would have called him so say I would not at the meeting. I am doing my best not to let this interfere with my job. So under those circumstances, I do not think I was wrong to call him.

[Geishawhelk]

You would do much better to pass a message onto him via a secretary or assistant. Or any other colleague.

This is a far better strategy than contacting him directly.

 

Stop contacting him. You're just prolonging the agony.

[anne1707]

You would do much better to pass a message onto him via a secretary or assistant. Or any other colleague.

This is a far better strategy than contacting him directly.

.

 

He was not in the office and to be honest I was not up to talking to anybody at all if I could help it. I had to email my boss to say I would not be in work as I knew I might cry if I phoned in. With the OM, I did not have to put on some kind of "act" hence it was actually easier to call him.

[Geishawhelk]

B/S.

 

Just a load of B/S.

 

You are looking for every possible excuse to contact him and keep on contacting him, and keep on hearing his voice and keep on with this whole thing. In fact, you are looking for whatever way possible to NOT solve this for anyone else's benefit, but yours.

If you really wanted to stop contact, you'd find a way.

You don't.

So stop trying to kid us, stop trying to kid your H., stop trying to kid yourself.

Do something positive and constructive.

[anne1707]

If you really wanted to stop contact, you'd find a way.

.

 

I was just doing my job. Pure and simple. It was far easier than phoning the office, explaining what the meeting was, that I could not attend and to please call the OM to let him know. I would have been on the phone for longer and to be completely honest yesterday I really was not fit to talk to anyone at all. I treated it as I would with any other colleague and phoned him to say I would not be at the meeting. It took a minute, if that.

[Geishawhelk]

You're missing the point.

 

Whatever all your blarney, you still made contact.

 

The point is, to do whatever you can to avoid all contact as far as is possible.

 

Are you looking for a different job? How hard are you looking for another job?

You really need to quit this one ASAP.

 

Or sooner.

[Trojan John]

Anne, you're missing the point.

 

Any contact with the OM, and your unwillingness to go to above and beyond the "far easier", is detrimental to your marriage. Unless it was a one on one, I am absolutely sure there were several other people in that meeting you could have contacted instead of calling the OM.

[jmargel]

Anne, please re-read my previous post I know you read it once, please do it again.

 

I think you are going to find it's going to be extremely hard to give your husband the security he needs and the extra security this marriage needs when you are still in contact with this OM. Right now your husband's imagination is running wild and the few guys he does talk to about this is going to re-enforce this into his head. As long as their is contact, no matter what kind it's a chance that things will spark up again. This is how your husband probably sees it.

 

And what is worse is that you are admitting that you don't have your emotions under control when it comes to this OM. I can guarantee you with NC, in a few months you will see this situation is such a different light. You will truly see this OM for who he really is. Right now he only puts his best foot forward. Guaranteed if you were to goto the next step and have a relationship with him, you will then see his negative traits. His bad habits, his bad personality traits, what he does when he gets mad at you and how he stops treating you the way you want him too.

 

You do not get to know a person until you invest ALOT of time into them, physical, verbal, mental and emotional. You haven't invested enough time into this guy to know who he truly is. Any guy you meet will ALWAYS put his best foot forward at first. He will seem like your knight on his white horse. Guys are great at doing that, I know I am.

 

You also can't trust a guy like the OM, if he's willing to not care about someone else's marriage and do this, I can guarantee he will have the same attitude when it comes to his relationship. You are looking at this guy through rose colored glasses.

 

Now your husband.. Most guys in this situation above all else need a reason WHY this happened. We need to know this so that we can take measures so that this won't happen again. The worst response you can give to why you cheated would be 'I don't know'. Only because that tells us that since you don't know, then there is a chance it will happen again. When you don't know why you cheated then there is no way to prevent it from happening again. That on top of your continued contact with this other man are red flags. Right now there is nothing supporting the foundation of your marriage. You have to earn the trust back and by your continued contact that won't start.

 

It might be hard to work with all of this but you need to find a way or to find another position. It may come down to what is more important, the job or your marriage?

 

Sorry, but this is one of the consequences for what's happened. There's not much to do but to work through it.

[taylor]

Anne,

 

Six months from now you are going to look back on your behavior and be embarrassed by it.

 

You will realize how pathetically desperate you became with respect to the OM. You will wonder where you misplaced your dignity, self-respect and common sense. You will realize how inconsiderate you became to your husband and you will realize how little value you placed on your marriage.

 

You can't see it now because you are lost in a fog of emotions that are clouding and distorting the picture. I have a feeling you won't find yourself until you have lost everything meaningful in your life..your husband, marriage, job, and house.

 

And I doubt you will be able to take any advice from the good people here on LS as long as you allow your emotions to rule your actions.

[lkjh]

You have to be joking!! You can email your boss but you have to call the OM? Do you have any self-respect or respect for your H. Have you always been this selfish?