Can barely believe this happened

[jj33]

I do believe it's wrong, I am just tempted because I've never felt like this for anyone and there is still this niggly voice in my head saying what if he's genuine and will leave.

 

What if? What if he did? This is not a sale on Halloween candy get it now for only 99 cents a bag.

 

Yes someday he may leave and if you are still single and still interested and he is still interested in you, you can pursue a relationship.

 

Its disappointing when you find that the object of your heart's desire is not in a position to take things further but face the facts.

 

Now is not the time. And there is no rush. If he is really serious about leaving his marriage and what you both feel is genuine, your time will come.

[2sunny]

anna -

 

it makes me very sad that you seem to have no conscience... that's all.

 

it is silly to try to talk this through reasonably with a gal that has no conscience... you will do the selfish thing in the end - so just go ahead and get it over with.

 

i hope it makes you happy... i can guarantee it won't - but you will convince yourself otherwise.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, yes I would. He doesn't want to leave until she can manage the disease, but it's also not healthy to stay with someone just because they are sick is it?

 

She wasn't sick until recently - I know everyone says that but we do have mutual friends so he cannot actually lie about the details as I have already heard them from other people who know his wife.

 

I definitely would not have an affair with him while he is with his wife - but I can't yet let go of the possibility he is telling the truth and he WAS and WILL leave her.

 

You don't think it's possible he exaggerated things with your mutual friends as well?

 

He is NOT going to leave her and kids. Sorry but that isn't going to happen, the sooner you accept this and stop your affairyland fantasy, the better off you will be.

 

He is NOT going to leave his SICK wife. I can't believe that you would want this guy if he is capable of leaving his wife at this time - WHAT MAKES YOU THINK he'll treat you any better? Hello, think here.

[Reggie]

I do believe it's wrong, I am just tempted because I've never felt like this for anyone and there is still this niggly voice in my head saying what if he's genuine and will leave.

Okay, you are tempted. Everyone deals with temptation. What relevance to the righteousness of this act does the ultimate outcome have. I could rob a bank and, potentially get away with it and be rich, does that ,make it right?

I'm a relatively old fart. Seems many OM and OW feel they have met the one and only person that can ever make them happy. It's romantic, this soulmate thing, but it is just not true. There are tons of guys that are available that would fit the bill for you. But, if you convince yourself that this guy, a guy willing to cheat on his wife and kids, is the only one, you'll miss lots of opportunities for a good relationship.

[Anna101]

anna -

 

it makes me very sad that you seem to have no conscience... that's all.

 

it is silly to try to talk this through reasonably with a gal that has no conscience... you will do the selfish thing in the end - so just go ahead and get it over with.

 

i hope it makes you happy... i can guarantee it won't - but you will convince yourself otherwise.

 

 

Oh c'mon - if someone has no conscience they'd just go ahead and have done it already. There's nothing at all to STOP you if you don't have one

[Anna101]

You don't think it's possible he exaggerated things with your mutual friends as well?

 

He is NOT going to leave her and kids. Sorry but that isn't going to happen, the sooner you accept this and stop your affairyland fantasy, the better off you will be.

 

He is NOT going to leave his SICK wife. I can't believe that you would want this guy if he is capable of leaving his wife at this time - WHAT MAKES YOU THINK he'll treat you any better? Hello, think here.

 

 

I don't think he can win either way there. If I say he's not leaving cos she's sick right now, people will say it's an excuse and he never will. If he does leave when she's sick, he's an ******* there too..

 

Really, what IS the right thing to do if he is telling the truth and truly was going to leave and doesn't love her? Stay out of pity? Stay out of duty? Leave now, leave later....what should someone do?

 

If it was me - I'd want him to stay until I could physically manage and then piss he hell off as I wouldn't want a pity husband.

 

He has not exaggerated the illness part to anyone. Of course he may have exaggerated the marriage problems to our mutual friends, but as we were not talking then I see no benefit in him doing so.

[Anna101]

Just curious but what is the outside activity that you both do?

 

I don't really want to say, you never know who is on forums, heh. It's not an activity I'm going to give up for him though and it's not the kind of thing you can go 'elsewhere' or join a different club or anything.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't mean exaggerate her illness, I meant the issues in the marriage.

 

If you want to trust a liar, a betrayer and a cheater, go ahead. Just keep in mind that he has NO obligation to you, so one day how he is treating his wife, is how he WILL treat you. What makes you more special than her?

[Reggie]

Anna, there is a decent likeliehodd that he prefers his wife to you.

[Anna101]

I don't think I'm more special than her and I don't think he's acted as honourable as he could have.

 

I do have my doubts....

 

If he asks to meet up again for real....I know the stuff about him not wanting to do anything till they split is a lie.

[Reggie]

The daughter I am closest to, among my three girls is named Anna. If she was in your situation, I'd implore her not to go this route. Not only will it not work out, but it does tremendous damage to your self. You will have crossed a line that you don't want to have to live with having crossed. Believe me, there are no soulmates. That is romantic gibberish. You are young and sinlge. Find an honorable guy.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think I'm more special than her

 

Then don't believe what he is telling you. READ threads in this section. Sorry to burst your bubble but the chances of him being open and honest from the heart with you are slim to none.

 

If he asks you to meet up with him, say NO. Tell him to call you when he is officially divorced and is free to date then. UNTIL then, distance yourself away from him and focus on your own life.

[Lizzie60]

Anna... his kids being that young makes a huge difference in his choice of 'partner'...

 

I think he will NOT leave his W because his kids are young and their mother is sick...

 

It's hard to say if he still loves his W... maybe he does maybe he doesn't.. maybe he's falling for you.. maybe he's lying to keep you around.. who knows!

 

Thing is.. I honestly don't think he will leave her and his kids..

 

I sure wouldn't leave my sick husband if my kids were young.. and they would grow up to hate me for it.. I'm sure he's thinking about this..

[whichwayisup]

Fantastic reply by Lizzie and what she said is something you really need to think about.

 

Imagine if your dad left your mom when she was very ill. You as his daughter, could you understand, let alone, forgive him for leaving her for someone else? Younger and childless? Come on..

 

Even if he does leave, are you prepared to handle 3 kids and all the stuff that comes with the pricetag?

[Anna101]

I've never really thought he would either - I feel like I'd have a 'feeling' if he was going to, and I don't. But then, I never saw this coming either.

 

I still want to give it a month....no meet ups, just a month to see what happens. If he's still umming and ahh'ing...bad luck for him or me or whoever.

 

I cannot not ever see him again anyway, due to circumstances, so I'd rather keep it friendly, and I'd be fine with just seeing him at that activity and going hey, how you doing..

[whichwayisup]

Why a month? DO you think he'll leave his wife in a month? You're nuts if you decide to stick it out. Sorry..

 

What I asked you in my previous post - If you don't want to answer on the boards, that's fine, but this IS something YOU need to think about.

 

Imagine if your dad left your mom when she was very ill. You as his daughter, could you understand, let alone, forgive him for leaving her for someone else? Younger and childless? Come on..

 

Even if he does leave, are you prepared to handle 3 kids and all the stuff that comes with the pricetag?

[Anna101]

Sorry I missed it, did not mean to not reply to you.

 

No I probably would not forgive my dad for quite a while. I have a divorced cousin whose husband left her for someone else (they have been married now for a few years) and the kids are 'ok' with her.

 

It would be messy with kids and that part does put me off...

 

For a month - because I fully realise I"m being weak - and a cut off date I do always stick to as long as it's enough time for me to really accept it and then move on. "Tomorrow" is just too soon and I know I'll give in.

[Karma101]

Even if he did actually leave his wife, it seems most likely that it would be a very brief separation and he would end up going back...out of guilt, duty, for his kids, whatever. As long as he's hers, he'll never be yours.

[Mino]

Anna, How long have you known each other? All I can say, and I have been ow for over 4 years, and my mm has finally left, but its still a mess. If I knew then what I know now, i would have ran.... The pain you will endure by becoming the ow is horrendous, no words can really decribe. I would say to anyone who is 'thinking" of entering such a R, to not walk, but run... If you still have your heart in your hands, hold onto it tightly, and do not give it up till that person can hold it with respect, and care. That means no R until he is free, and sweetie that WILL take YEARS... Do you have it in you to wait years? To endure the pain this R will bring you, Because it will bring pain..and lots of it. Walk away, go live your life... and if this was meant to be it will happen but not on these terms, the price is a high price to pay...Good luck

[Anna101]

Thanks Mino.

 

We have known each other literally for about a year and a half - have been friends for about 6 months, and close friends for about two months.

 

I have been single for a long time - I had one guy chase me but I felt nothing like that back for him, and so this is the first guy I've genuinely liked and wanted and it's mutual.

 

I know it's probably not worth it at all, but at the moment I am not in deep enough to be shattered if he leaves and that's why I think I can handle a month.

 

The only "bad" explanation for him not wanting to kiss when we got together is that he did it deliberately to gain my trust, and will want to meet up again and then "oh I couldn't resist this time". If he tries that, I know for sure he's being an *******.

 

Also I think, I can't even imagine the type of person who could be this callous and manipulative if he's truly orchestrating the entire thing.

[Mino]

Thanks Mino.

 

We have known each other literally for about a year and a half - have been friends for about 6 months, and close friends for about two months.

 

I have been single for a long time - I had one guy chase me but I felt nothing like that back for him, and so this is the first guy I've genuinely liked and wanted and it's mutual.

 

I know it's probably not worth it at all, but at the moment I am not in deep enough to be shattered if he leaves and that's why I think I can handle a month.

 

The only "bad" explanation for him not wanting to kiss when we got together is that he did it deliberately to gain my trust, and will want to meet up again and then "oh I couldn't resist this time". If he tries that, I know for sure he's being an *******.

 

Also I think, I can't even imagine the type of person who could be this callous and manipulative if he's truly orchestrating the entire thing.

We all start in the A, thinking is just fun, we have everything under control... then you wake up one day, and are in love. Thats when it gets ugly... and the problem is you don;t know which day that is where you do get hooked in. So its best not to play with fire... Stop while you still have your heart...

[Anna101]

Well yesterday they had to operate on his wife or she was going to die....op was a success and so she WILL recover now.

[whichwayisup]

Now is the time for you to back off and leave him alone. This woman needs to recover WITH the support of her husband, her family nearby. If he calls you, TELL him to be with his family, not with you. Be UNselfish.

[smile711]

My xMM's W had to have surgery at the end of last year. Not life-threatening, but still serious. She was in the hospital for 2 days. I had decided to break things off with MM before this-everything was getting to be too much for me. MM called me crying, saying he couldn't get me off of his mind, please give him another month to sort things out. Oh, and he called me ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL TO PICK UP HIS WIFE! I stuck around and now he's back with her and it's 10 months later and I am no better off than I was then. In fact, I'm worse. Anna-stick to your guns on this. Step away gracefully and maintain your dignity and self-respect. If you don't, you will lose those things, trust me, and it is a hell of a lot of work to get them back.

[jj33]

Anna when I first started seeing MM his wife had very serious surgery. Initially he told me a "family member" was going into the hospital - I thought it was his mother in law and we were planning to have dinner after visiting hours ended. When he told me it was his W, I cancelled the plans.

 

Even if he doesnt have the grace and dignity to stay away when he should be with his children YOU can have that dignity. How we behave in these situations is who we are. Be proud of your actions.

 

But in the broader sense, step away. It could take a very long time for her to fully recover. She could be weak. She will need help looking after the children. The children will be concerned because their mother is ill. In short his place is at home whether he wants to be there right now or not.

 

There is no place for you in his life now. back away for your own sanity and the good of his family. If he ends up leaving you can start your relationship with a clean slate then.