Is it really only 3%?

[Rafa]

I read somewhere in another thread that only 3% of all dumpees ever manage to get back with their dumper. Maybe it was said just to help people move on, I don't know, but it hurts like hell to think that there is a 97% chance that I will never be with her again

 

When we broke up she said the dreaded words: "I just don't feel the same any more", which pretty much spells it out. She's phoned me/texted me/said she misses me/said she still loves me/cried/said she needs to see me/hugged me, etc, etc. But she always ends it with "...but I think the split was a good idea". I'm in my 2nd phase of no contact (4 days). We split about a month ago.

 

Surely my hopes can be higher than 3%, or am I just kidding myself....?

[Geishawhelk]

I take it she broke it off with you?

 

If so, she's being terribly unfair.

 

To stop yourself getting more hurt, and getting false hopes up, you're going to have to tell her: Either she stops contacting you and saying all that lovey-dovey stuff, and agrees to NC - definitely!

or -

You get back together again.

But you can't keep on having your chain pulled and her play around with your emotions.

[Sysyphus28]

My ex said, "she doesn't love me the same way", same thing. It felt horrible. Being a dumpee isn't fun because you are not ready for this thing to be over...it just ends, and you feel like you are the butt of some unfunny joke. You are kidding yourself if it was a long relationship. She wouldn't have said those words with such finality if she didn't mean them. I "relapsed" a bunch of times in the last month during NC.......she rarely if ever called me back. She hasn't yet. She told me the deal, and I thought I could get her back by being pesistant or keeping hope alive. You have it that candle go the heck out! Even if it is awful, even if you "know she is the one". If she was the one you would be making plans with her this friday night. You just have to look at the reality of the situation.

[Rafa]

I take it she broke it off with you?

 

If so, she's being terribly unfair.

 

To stop yourself getting more hurt, and getting false hopes up, you're going to have to tell her: Either she stops contacting you and saying all that lovey-dovey stuff, and agrees to NC - definitely!

or -

You get back together again.

But you can't keep on having your chain pulled and her play around with your emotions.

 

Yeah she broke it off. We'd been together a year and 8 months. She recently invited me up to her place, because she "needed to see me". I had high hopes. It's a 1.5hr drive. But after the "I've been thinking a lot about us" line... (my heart is pumping at this point), it was all downhill. Oh sure I got the tears and the hugs, but apparently the split still "felt right".

She said "a part of me really wants to just say, ok, yeah let's give it another chance...", but she thinks she's done the right thing. One of the most annoying things she said was "you'll be snapped up by someone new in no time", like that was supposed to make me feel better. So half an hour later a high-tailed back for the 1.5hr return journey.

I'm now trying to be militant about NC. I have a good friend who says "but you guys were so good together!!", and he thinks I should try and write her a letter. I don't know, I think once people cross that line, the love fades, it's gone forever.

Unless she is one of the 3%

[Intergalactic]

maybe it's only 3% if it's straight away or in the near future. i think that relationships can definitely be "fixed", or you might say flare up again after time and distance. you fell in love with that person once, why not again? but immediately after a break up, or too soon after a break up, and all the bad feelings are still raw. i also think that's why many relationships which do get a "second chance" straight away don't last. growth needs to have happened on both parts, and then something can occur between the two people again.

[george35]

So she broke up with you because “she” doesn’t feel “the same way anymore”? How does she feel? She calls, emails, texts and invites you over but thinks braking up was the right thing to do? Why???? Is she trying to protect you from something? Is she seeing someone but feels like crap for hurting you?

[Ingenue]

I'm sorry you're going through this Rafa. I was in the same boat. My ex told me he wasn't feeling it anymore, that the spark between us had died. He did the same things, saying he still loved me and thought there was a possibility we might get back together after he dated other people and experienced what romance was like. It wasn't at all fair for him to play my emotions like that.

 

For your own sanity and emotional well being you need to either tell your ex that she can't continue to tug at your emotional heartstrings without the commitment (ie go NC) or you discuss why she isn't feeling it anymore.

 

It's my opinion that in those cases where spark/not feeling it anymore happens, it's best to just let go and move on. As dumpees, we can continue to cling to some false hope (even a 3% hope) that paths might cross again or that our exes might wake up and come upon a realisation. But, we're just deluding ourselves if we think like that. The fact of the matter is that if our exes loved us, they'd still be with us.

 

Assess the reality and act accordingly. Good luck

[EmperorR]

ya my girl told me the same about the spark blah blah, of course that new honeymoon exciting butterflies doesn't last forever. I feel sorry for the next guy she's with doesntknow he'll just have a expiry date once those butterflies fade

[CaliGuy]

The funny thing about second chances....they never happen...until you DO NOT want them. There's some good common sense behind that because if you have truly moved on, you will have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem and be back to the person you were before you met your ex. Remember, it was THAT person they liked, not the person you became (and let's face it, relationships do have a way of changing us -- for better or worse).

 

What irks me is why anyone would want to bank their happiness on a 3% chance. If you knew your kids had a 97% chance to NOT make it to school, would you put them on the Bus? If you you knew your stock had a 3% chance of making you money, would you still make the investment?

 

See, when it comes to anything in our lives but our hearts, we would not take such far-fetched chances. I have no idea why human beings will risk their own mental health to chase a pipe dream. Why we take such risks with our hearts that we would not take in any other aspects of our lives.

 

I have a hunch. Each time we fall in love we believe we will never find someone else or fall in love again. History has proven over and over that it is not true. We most assuredly will find the right person. And more than likely when we stop TRYING to find someone and just focus on being happy with what life has to offer.

 

Cheers.

[BCCA]

Well, I would say 3% probably stay together long term after getting back together. I went through the second chance with my ex, and I cant imagine I was fortunuate enough to be in the 3%, but as you can see, it didnt work out.

 

I think once the bond of the relationship is initially broken, both people need a lot of time and space to heal. Sometimes, very rarely, they meet up again later in life and things work out. I think its so rare because most people arent going to wait around long enough, or you meet someone else.

 

I wouldnt even bother worrying about a second chance. The odds are that it wont work out, again.

[lf1234]

I know how it feels man, I'm sure most of the people here do. I went through the same thing recently, I missed the warning signs and she dumped me saying she fell out of love. After a few days I convinced myself that there really is no sense in beating yourself up over everything. If you two are meant to be together, then it will happen. Theres no doubt about it. But you can't put your hopes towards it..you have to just live life and try to find yourself again. Im still feeling a bunch of pain from what happened just over a week ago..but I know that with time I'll get better, and so will you. Do everything you can to take your mind off of it and as soon as you start doing that, things will start to seem a little less hopeless.

 

-Scott

[Melrapuo]

I hate percentages in terms of relationships and reconciliation. Here's what I go by - there is a definite, 0% chance of truly knowing whats going to happen in the future, with anything. So why should relationships be any different?

 

I say just go with the flow of life, and let things happen as they do. That's part of just letting go. I think its beyond the relationships themselves. I think its just knowing that you might not have any control over what you do, so why assume numbers that don't change the situation? Its an interesting idea, and one that I'm starting to come to terms with.

[westrock]

ISurely my hopes can be higher than 3%, or am I just kidding myself....?

 

Statistics can be misleading. It all depends on how you interpret them. I'll give you an example...

 

Let's say there is a job posting for 1 position. The company receives 100 applications including yours. What are your chances of getting the job? At first, it seems obvious that you only have a 1% chance.

 

But you're assuming all those resumes are top notch... what if I tell you that 97 of those resumes are below par, and the employer puts aside the 3 resumes including yours that fits the job criteria they required. Your chances are really 33.33% !

 

So what looks like only a 1% chance from one perspective is really a 33.33% chance in reality.

 

Don't assume that everyone going for a 2nd chance is doing the same things. Odds are 97% didn't learn a single thing from the break up and proceed by making the same mistakes over again. It's no surprise they fail at the 2nd chance. You need to find out what those 3% are doing that are successful at 2nd chances.

 

You need to read this 3% statistic along the lines of "only 3% of people change their ways after a break up"... and those who do change their ways have a much greater chance at success with a 2nd chance.

[Weezy]

Rafa,

 

I feel your pain bro. I had the same thing happen with my EX. I went strong with 17 days of NC, right from the get go. Then I get a call from the EX and she wants to "get togeather" so I agree to get a drink. "Thinking she must want me back"

 

I was feeling pretty damn good after 17 days of NC, was thinking about not even calling her back.

 

But I did.. so then I go on and get a drink, and she says.. well I have nothing to say, but when we broke up you said things like "I'll treat you like a princess" and I was shocked cause I'd never heard you say those things. Then she says, so I was wondering if you had anything else you wanted to tell me? I held strong, said I had said what I needed to say already (when we first broke up), we made small talk, then when we were saying goodbye, she bursts into tears and grabs onto me. Says she misses me, is balling in my arms. I tell her it will be okay and what not, then she says the timing just wasn't right and that I'll make somebody happy, and that she has to go.

 

So after she leaves, I break down, call her, and we talk somemore, but I should have just let it go at that point because from there it just turned into everything I had done wrong in the relationship and me defending myself and saying I would give her more of my "time". To which she simply said "How can I trust you?" and then she finally said she had to go again and that was that.. Now I'm back to square one, 1 day of NC.

Time to move on.

[HopeDiesLast]

weezy- that was really sad. i can envision it happening with my ex.

 

god im so sorry....you need a hug man!

(((hugs)))

[HopeDiesLast]

Got this off of another site:

 

So, for all you newbies who ask the questions, "Will the hurting ever stop," or "Will my ex come back," or "Why did he/she do this," this is how it typically goes down.

 

You two break up--doesn't matter who does it. You immediately panic and begin chasing, begging, pleading, harrassing, phoning, e-mailing, IMing, stalking (okay not all of them, just pick whichever one you did). Most of us will likely do some things during this stage that will make you cringe when you think back on it, say after about 3 months.

 

You lose weight. You neglect yourself, your house, your job (how many hours do we all log on this site while we are at work?). You drive your friends and family crazy talking about the break up. You cry at the drop of a dime. You can't even comprehend that your life might not again include that "special person." You begin putting them on a pedestal, forgetting all of the nagging things about them that used to drive you crazy. In your mind, they have become omnipotent, all encompasing, all everything.

 

You convince yourself that you are a loser who just screwed up a relationship with "the best person in the world." You KNOW without a doubt that you will never EVER love like that again. You know no one else will come along who even comes close to being as marvelous as your ex (excuse me while I chuckle to myself here). You wear a sad face for the world to see (you should see my work ID taken 2 days after my breakup, it's just pitiful).

 

They (the ex's) remain steadfast in their denial to get back together. Many of them leapfrog into new relationships, immediately being exclusive with a new person. For those that do leapfrog, they appear to just "replace" you with a new model. All of the things you two used to do, they now do with someone else. Bowling, cuddling watching television, motorcycle riding, antiquing. Whatever you two did, likely they will just begin doing those things with someone new.

 

You hear about them and their new life. You are desperate for any crumbs of news about their life. Many of us make things worse here by trying to use manipulation to get them back--yet they stay away from us like we are the plague.

 

For those of us who do still have contact with our ex's we begin selling ourselves short. Doing stupid things like allowing them access to our bodies and then wanting to strangle them afterward when they remind us that "Sex does not imply hope."

 

You, in further panic mode, begin frantically searching the internet using phrases such as "break ups," "divorce stopper," whatever. You stumble upon this site, because your curious and lo and behold, you find all of us folks in various stages of this whole breakup bullsh*t.

 

You voraciously read the posts. You search for news of those who "got their mates back." You're on the site constantly. You'll read the books and think "Ah I can do this. I can get this person back." You begin your "no contact" and for some of us, this will get a reaction from our ex's. For the rest, no contact is and will continue to be what you'll get and receive.

 

Time goes by. You'll do some stupid things. You'll call your ex when you shouldn't. You'll call when you've had to much to drink. You'll call even after 50 people on this site tell you not to. You'll show up on their doorstep, hating yourself all the time. Then you'll come back to this site and ask everyone to tell you why you were so stupid as to do whatever it was you did.

 

Then you'll get serious about no contact. This is where you LET GO , It'll hurt, but you try to stick to it. Here's the turning point for most. For those folks who have contact with their ex's, your no contact will either bring them sniffing curiously around or they'll be somewhere high fiving their friends thanking the God's that you haven't called.

 

Now's the tough time. Nothing but time works. Everday the ache in your heart grows a little less. It's only nanobits that it dies down by. But everyday it will get slowly better. You'll have setbacks. You'll run into your ex accidently. You'll run into mutual friends who'll tell you something about your ex that'll have you high-tailing it home for a good cry. You'll see your ex with their new "friend." You'll receive a phone call or an e-mail from your ex who "doesn't want to be in a relationship but still wants to be friends (with benefits if you allow).

 

Here's another important part. You need to truly sit down and truthfully look back at the relationship and understand what you did to help with it's demise. If you miss this part, you go through all the suffering for nothing because Buddy, you'll be back here again. This site is to teach you about you. To teach you how to be a better partner, a better person. Missing that lesson is detrimental to the whole process. It's the REASON that you're going through this. God (or whatever your higher power is) needed you to learn something about YOU. Don't miss out on the lesson.

 

Then one day you'll smile because you didn't immediately check your answering machine when you came in. And one day you'll decide to clean the muck that has accumulated in your house. And one day you'll go outside and admit to the universe that you surrender what control you thought you had.

 

And one day you'll decide to date again. And one day you'll go out on your first date and it will likely be a disaster. And then you'll either force yourself to continue dating or you'll decide that you aren't ready to date but you are ready to be out amongst people again. And many of you will have some quick reconcillations with your ex's. Many of us won't. But one day, it won't matter as much. Because time will allow you to catch yourself going minutes and then hours without thinking of the ex. And you'll begin to be able to think of life possibly without that person and not dissolve into a puddle of nothingness because of the thought.

 

And for most of us, sadly, life will go on without that mate. That's the truth, amigos. Don't want to dash your hopes but probably less than 3% of the people on this site get back with their mates. Sobering isn't it? But, as the site instructs, you must accept this before you can truly begin to heal or draw your ex back to you. For the lucky (maybe unlucky one's depending on how much work it will take to keep a mate that has wandered back) who get back with their ex's, many will find that the paradise they envisioned isn't reality and what they once thought was gold has a certain tarnish to it now. But they stay and try and make it work because it's comfortable or, if they are really lucky, it's meant to be.

 

But for most of us. Life goes on. And one day you'll find yourself having a gut busting laugh over something totally stupid and you'll think to yourself "I am getting better." And finally (thank God) you'll have sex with some new and find that a) if it wasn't good, at least you did it or b) it was so much better than with your ex you wonder why you waited so long to get back out there. And you'll know you're one the road to recovery.

 

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is, while each situation is unique, the characteristics of most of our situations are the same. Most of us will go through at least something that I've written here. So, when someone tells you on this site that time will help you get through it, believe them. When they tell you that "trust me, it will get better and you will stop hurting eventually," believe them. And when they give you good advice that your head understands but your heart rejects, take a moment to think before you react.

 

Don't beat yourself up if you do something that you wished you hadn't (calling, contacting, etc) WE ALL DID AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER. Be kind to yourself. Be forgiving of yourself. And most of all remember that being happily single is an alternative. Even if society is beating it into your head that you MUST have a mate, take some time to heal before going back out there. There are plenty of good people to love, but don't go back out there broken, jaded about love, etc. Accept realty. Experience the pain. Learn the lesson. Actively try to heal. Remember the person you were when you first met your ex and get that person back.

 

And the universe will take care of the rest.

[BCCA]

Its hard to resist the temptation to meet up with your ex when they ask you to, but honestly, I can promise you that close to nothing changed in 17 days. You'll never know what their motives are, and a lot of times its pure loneliness. If you could, you should always put them off for a few days. You don't have to ignore them, but dont answer right away, take at least a couple hours to respond. And if she asks to see you today/tomorrow, youre busy through the weekend, but can figure something out next week. If they're ok with waiting, they want to see YOU, if not, theyre just lonely and wanted someone around. By putting them off, even for just 3-4 days, you'll give them the idea that you're not dying to run over and meet them, and that you do have your own life

 

A lot of people just want to know that you dont hate them and that they arent a terrible person. Sadly, I've had a meet up with my ex that I thought went absolutely perfect, and I definitely anticipated hearing from her...two weeks later, my phone hasnt rang.

 

Its always better to assume its over, and be pleasantly surprised if its not. Chances are, especially when women leave men, thats it.

[HopeDiesLast]

what about men leaving women?

[EmperorR]

that article described me so much I'm laughing

[BCCA]

what about men leaving women?

 

Men generally tend to react rash, go with the moment, and not think things through as well. The difficulty here is that men are far more stubborn and strong headed than women, and therefore, rarely want to own up to making a mistake. Men are more likely to call 6months to a year down the road if things arent going so well in their love life, but even then, 9 times out of 10 they dont want their ex, they just want the ego boost.

 

With the exception of my parents, I do not know anyone that ever broke up and got back together for a long term relationship. I've know some to do the 2nd/3rd try, but it never works out. I honestly think once its over, its probably OVER. Holding out hope for that 3% is just not a risk I would take with my emotions.

[HopeDiesLast]

link to the site....http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/what-expect-when-you-get-dumped-123862.html

[HopeDiesLast]

see thats the bad thing for me, BCCA. i know ALOT of people who had their second chance after some time....and it worked out. including my ex's parents!

 

maybe it feeds my hope....maybe it is what it is. i dunno!

[BCCA]

see thats the bad thing for me, BCCA. i know ALOT of people who had their second chance after some time....and it worked out. including my ex's parents!

 

maybe it feeds my hope....maybe it is what it is. i dunno!

 

After some time is key. Within the first 6 months is just not a good idea, and after that, sometimes one of you meets someone else. Your feelings start to change, too. For example, I loved my ex very much, but after some reflection, realize that she wasn't really giving her share and kind of didnt seem to care about me. So if we were to get back together without this stuff being dealt with (which is what happened), a breakup is a given.

[Weezy]

If she asks to see you today/tomorrow, youre busy through the weekend, but can figure something out next week. If they're ok with waiting, they want to see YOU, if not, theyre just lonely and wanted someone around. By putting them off, even for just 3-4 days, you'll give them the idea that you're not dying to run over and meet them, and that you do have your own life.

 

Yeah, I waited 2 days to call her back.. She was super nice when she answered.. Just sucks that I broke down after she started to cry and tell me she missed me. I felt like that was my chance, but really, I think she just wanted to know she still had me, and that's exactly what I gave her.

 

Time to move on!

[BCCA]

Yeah, I waited 2 days to call her back.. She was super nice when she answered.. Just sucks that I broke down after she started to cry and tell me she missed me. I felt like that was my chance, but really, I think she just wanted to know she still had me, and that's exactly what I gave her.

 

Time to move on!

 

If she was interested in getting back together, she would have told you. I dont think it was intentional, but she was probably just looking for some reassurances that she wasnt a bad person and that you didnt hate her.

 

What you have to be careful of is her 'missing you' at times that are convenient for her, and not when you're lonely. She was probably nice because she felt bad. I would focus on moving on, nothing more you can do here.