Is it really only 3%?

[CaliGuy]

Men are weird. There are two things likely to happen:

 

Men Dumpers:

A) They dump you irrationally and then, when NC is implemented, they come crawling back OR

B) They dump you and never look back.

 

Why? Men do not have support groups like women do. They don't normally talk about their relationship problems to other men and even if they do, they get very bad advice. So the odds of a male dumper coming back is a lot higher I would say than a woman dumper.

 

Women dumpers:

A) They dump you after long talks with their family and friends. After months of agonizing, going back and forth over their decision. They start pulling away weeks or months before they eventually pull the trigger. And when they DO pull the trigger, you can bet 99.9% of the time that decision is final.

B) The oddball. The woman who cheats and then regrets it later. I would say that in almost all cases, if they come crawling back, it's ONLY because the sucker they cheated on you with is not so "wonderful" after all. In this case I would never accept her back simply because if she can take me for granted, if she doesn't feel I am worth fighting for, then she can take a flying leap.

 

What I am trying to convey here to those who hold on to hope of a reconciliation is simply that YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANY PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP! Someone else said it here best: "The person who has the most control in a relationship is the one who cares about it the least…" and that is very, very true.

 

What you need to do when you are dumped is to STOP CARING. It's hard, I know. You have to occupy your time as best you can. Exorcise the relationship from your system in every way possible. But the most important thing to do is STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX!!! That means no calls, texts, IMs or stalking them online. No asking friends how they are doing either or talking their family.

 

If an ex really wants you, nothing you do or say is going to effect that. Neither hell nor high water will stop them from finding….

[Weezy]

I agree 100% CaliGuy

[BCCA]

I agree 100% CaliGuy

 

Agreed. I was just thinking about it the other day, and the last girl I broke up with - I never looked back. Never called her, emailed, asked around about her...nothing. I was done. I'm a bit odd in that I DO actually talk to people about stuff, and once I gathered the strength to end it, it was long over in my book.

 

The issue is always going to be that everyone knows at least ONE couple that broke up and got back together, so they'll cling to the outside chances that they'll be as fortunate. If even 3% of couples stayed together after a breakup, I would be surprised. Whatever trust you had in that person is zapped, theyre in control because they can always make it seem like theyll leave again if they dont get their way, and youll just never know if one day, BAM dumped again.

 

I wouldnt count on ever having any meaningful relationship with an ex. There is a 97% chance it wont happen. Like CaliGuy said, would you buy a stock that was 97% sure to lose value?

[Rafa]

... I held strong, said I had said what I needed to say already (when we first broke up), we made small talk, then when we were saying goodbye, she bursts into tears and grabs onto me. Says she misses me, is balling in my arms. I tell her it will be okay and what not, then she says the timing just wasn't right and that I'll make somebody happy, and that she has to go.....

 

Wow Weezy, that really is word for word what happened to me!!!

 

Obviously I still feel deflated, but I am getting considerably better. I'm entering a kind of acceptance phase (although it's possible I'm just kidding myself). Just want to keep the no contact going. I know it's for the best, she did me a favor, I just have to get over the addiction. I was even thinking last night how it is really good to be single again - mainly for the freedom. Don't get me wrong, what I really want is to love someone, be committed and for some one to love me back and be committed. I guess you make the best of whats going on. There are some good social times, I was out with friends tonight. When I think back on past break-ups - when I was the dumpee - I can say that I got over all of them. I mean there is always a bit - a tiny bit - of pain in one particular case (the love of my life) still lingering, but yeah, this feeling does go away. The need to get out and about is huge. It will pass. She will only ever understand her own point of view, and it's always been that way actually, the more I think about it, but she kept those thoughts in her head largely. I miss the hugs, the chats, the sex... but now I can put myself out amongst the people again. There are so many good reasons to not be with her, the list is long (I made a list to help me get through this). It's just an attachment thing, maybe not even really related to her, but kind of like smoking. I'm doing well, I just need to stop caring what she thinks, and stop looking for 'justice'. There will be no justice here, except when I am fully healed.

 

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

[EmperorR]

Agreed. I was just thinking about it the other day, and the last girl I broke up with - I never looked back. Never called her, emailed, asked around about her...nothing. I was done. I'm a bit odd in that I DO actually talk to people about stuff, and once I gathered the strength to end it, it was long over in my book.

 

The issue is always going to be that everyone knows at least ONE couple that broke up and got back together, so they'll cling to the outside chances that they'll be as fortunate. If even 3% of couples stayed together after a breakup, I would be surprised. Whatever trust you had in that person is zapped, theyre in control because they can always make it seem like theyll leave again if they dont get their way, and youll just never know if one day, BAM dumped again.

 

I wouldnt count on ever having any meaningful relationship with an ex. There is a 97% chance it wont happen. Like CaliGuy said, would you buy a stock that was 97% sure to lose value?

 

Eh I want a second chance even if it fails at least I won't have this what if in my head

[EmperorR]

Wow Weezy, that really is word for word what happened to me!!!

 

Obviously I still feel deflated, but I am getting considerably better. I'm entering a kind of acceptance phase (although it's possible I'm just kidding myself). Just want to keep the no contact going. I know it's for the best, she did me a favor, I just have to get over the addiction. I was even thinking last night how it is really good to be single again - mainly for the freedom. Don't get me wrong, what I really want is to love someone, be committed and for some one to love me back and be committed. I guess you make the best of whats going on. There are some good social times, I was out with friends tonight. When I think back on past break-ups - when I was the dumpee - I can say that I got over all of them. I mean there is always a bit - a tiny bit - of pain in one particular case (the love of my life) still lingering, but yeah, this feeling does go away. The need to get out and about is huge. It will pass. She will only ever understand her own point of view, and it's always been that way actually, the more I think about it, but she kept those thoughts in her head largely. I miss the hugs, the chats, the sex... but now I can put myself out amongst the people again. There are so many good reasons to not be with her, the list is long (I made a list to help me get through this). It's just an attachment thing, maybe not even really related to her, but kind of like smoking. I'm doing well, I just need to stop caring what she thinks, and stop looking for 'justice'. There will be no justice here, except when I am fully healed.

 

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

 

ya i made a list to, but i still miss here i don't know why, maybe if i found somoene else, it would be easier, it just sucks coming home and being alone, for the first time in my life i love to be at work because it keeps my mind off stuff, as soon as i come home and go in my room everything flushes back all teh hugs kisses, sex, her smile, gaa

[Weezy]

Rafa,

 

Keep me posted with any new developments. Sounds like our exs are pretty similar

[BCCA]

ya i made a list to, but i still miss here i don't know why, maybe if i found somoene else, it would be easier, it just sucks coming home and being alone, for the first time in my life i love to be at work because it keeps my mind off stuff, as soon as i come home and go in my room everything flushes back all teh hugs kisses, sex, her smile, gaa

 

Ive been there before. We shared a dresser, and it took me months before I could put anything in 'her side'. Everyday I came home, looked at my place with all her stuff gone, and just fell into depression.

 

What you need to do is either move or re-arrange your place so it looks differently. Even if that means just moving some furniture and buying a couple new pictures for your walls, do it. Make it your own place that looks as little as possible like the place you two shared.

 

Just MAKE yourself go out whenever you can. Get out of your house, go running, sign up for a dating website/solicite friends to set you up, whatever you have to do. Just get your mind thinking about anything else for as long as possible. The day will come when you'll realize you haven't thought about your ex in a while, havent checked your email/phone 10 times a day, and really dont care.

 

Time...it's your best friend, yet your worst enemy, right now.

 

EDIT: Wow...are all my posts riddled with typo's?

[WiseOne1]

Just look at LS.

 

Now this has to be a extra bad year at attempting to get someone back.

There are only like 3 sucess stories this year, and in 2005-2007 there were about 15.

 

People barely seem to be getting a ex back in 2008. Id say 97% chance it pretty done.

[northstar1]

Just look at LS.

 

Now this has to be a extra bad year at attempting to get someone back.

There are only like 3 sucess stories this year, and in 2005-2007 there were about 15.

 

People barely seem to be getting a ex back in 2008. Id say 97% chance it pretty done.

 

Yeah, doesn't give one hope, but maybe that's a good thing, not to have expectations, based on a few 'success stories'.

 

It would be interesting to have a survey/poll done of all the people who've posted in 2008 on breakups.

 

I wonder if there is any trend, based on the reason for breakup, where some get back together more than others?

 

ie. Someone fell out of love - probably not very high %

Someone cheated -

The relationship became a Long Distance thing etc.

[Rafa]

^^^ could it be that maybe the LS tactics are not always the way forward...?

I mean everybody here is so hardcore about NC. Everybody - me included - has done their best to keep NC going, to walk away from the relationship. Maybe if some of us had laid it on the line in a calm adult manor and not just gone NC, would that have affected the statistics?

I mean, I tried to do the 'adult' thing and it's got me nowhere, and neither has NC, so hell, I have no idea.

[HopeDiesLast]

im with you rafa....i laid on the line. i did the grown up thing, the mature thing. and it got me nowhere. now im walking away....granted its only been 3 weeks. but this isnt making me feel better either. its like im addicted to him!

but maybe, just maybe....the walking away will be a wake up call and will either get me better and let me let go....or will wake the ex's ass up. to something! time will tell.

[northstar1]

^^^ could it be that maybe the LS tactics are not always the way forward...?

I mean everybody here is so hardcore about NC. Everybody - me included - has done their best to keep NC going, to walk away from the relationship. Maybe if some of us had laid it on the line in a calm adult manor and not just gone NC, would that have affected the statistics?

I mean, I tried to do the 'adult' thing and it's got me nowhere, and neither has NC, so hell, I have no idea.

 

Well, I think there are circumstances where it's okay to lay it on the line, contact the ex and see what happens. Esp, if things ended do to misunderstanding, or circumstances - where there likely may still be recipricol feelings, but life got in the way for some reason.

 

As long as , while doing that, you brace yourself for being hurt when it doesn't happen as you want, or the ex declines the idea. If you can approach the chance knowing that you may reopen the wounds, and go back to square 1, then it's a risk some will take.

 

In that case, the question is, do you spend your time regretting what you did, or what you didnt' do?

[BCCA]

I have a hard time believing anyone here went straight NC from the breakup and hasn't reached out at all. I think most of us have laid it out on the line, stuck our necks out, tried to at least get a face to face meeting out of our ex's, and after all that didnt work, NC is all thats left.

 

I know I tried several times to at least put the idea out there they would could be friendly, but although the initial response has been nice, I havent seen any follow through on her end...

[Melrapuo]

I have a hard time believing anyone here went straight NC from the breakup and hasn't reached out at all. I think most of us have laid it out on the line, stuck our necks out, tried to at least get a face to face meeting out of our ex's, and after all that didnt work, NC is all thats left.

 

I know I tried several times to at least put the idea out there they would could be friendly, but although the initial response has been nice, I havent seen any follow through on her end...

 

I tried everything to get my ex back. Begged, pleaded, texted, called. Even yelled and berated her for leaving me for another guy. But after my emotions started to level, I gave her space. And when that happened, she started contacting me. And she eventually broke up with the guy she left me for. She even TOLD me about it. I still don't know why that is.

 

We decided to meet one day, after arguments over me not talking to her went back and forth. And after we did meet, nothing was resolved. And I found out that two weeks after she broke up with the new guy, )on the day we met up even!) she had been hooking up with a DIFFERENT guy taht she had only just met. I couldn't believe it. NC was all I had at this point.

 

I e-mailed her. Laid it all out. Told her why I'd been ignoring her. Told her what she had made me feel. Told her that I respected her decision, but we couldn't be friends. That was almost 5 weeks ago.

 

Sometimes I regret sending that e-mail. I've always been hopeful in the way I live, but these days it seems like anything optimistic will only bring pain. She was my first for a lot of things. And I felt like, despite her guilt and her attempts to try and make things better between us (in a friendly way), she really tore my heart out. This is the second time someone has left me for another guy, and it sucks even more when you are committed to one person for a long time.

 

NC is to heal. Sure, I want the day to come where she tells me that she wants me back. I want my happiness back. I'm tired of being depressed. I make sure I go on with my life, but that doesn't change how I feel. But any contact with her will only make me worse, and this is what I need to do for myself. I don't think I can ever be friends with her again. I can never talk to her again. As long as she's somewhere else, I can at least focus on bettering me. That's what NC is all about.

 

For couples to get back together, there does have to be some contact. But it shouldn't be until the two sides have at least settled their emotions. You can plan on these things all the time either - sometimes they just do.

[Weezy]

Just got a text from ex saying she'd been thinking alot about what I said the another night, but she's afraid of getting hurt again, and that she's outta town for the weekend and she hopes I have a good one.

 

Any thoughts how to respond?

[CaliGuy]

Just got a text from ex saying she'd been thinking alot about what I said the another night, but she's afraid of getting hurt again, and that she's outta town for the weekend and she hopes I have a good one.

 

Any thoughts how to respond?

 

Don't. Let her stew on things for a good week or two.

 

If she really wants you, she knows how to find you.

[Oscar51]

Do not listen to statistics man because the future is unpredictable. I know you think this girl is the one and she could be. You don't know. That's the funny thing, no matter what everything always seems to work itself out.

 

Are you sure you really want this girl back? Seriously. Take a few weeks off, let that emotional panic feeling right in your gut and heart calm down. Then when you calm down you can take a clear head and really look at the situation. Why was it that you broke up? Did she tell you? I can almost guarantee that she didn't tell you the real reason. My ex-gf of a year dumped me a month ago, but wouldn't tell me why. She said "you don't get it, you'll figure it out when I'm gone." I finally got it, I was a clingy/needy little pansy. I gave into whatever she wanted, all the time. She lost her attraction for me because of this.

 

If that was your reason for getting dumped, the only way you can prove it to her is by ignoring her ass. If she calls, don't pick up. Don't call back for a few days. If she texts you for no reason, do not respond. You don't want to talk to her unless it's about reconciling. Do not let her pull your strings while she's going out doing whatever she wants and whoever she wants. If it's one thing I've learned with women, there sure are a hell of a lot of them. Another one will come along who could blow your ex out of the water. They are very jealous creatures. We all are. 3 days after my ex had told me she had to move on, a friend of mine who happens to be a girl, wrote on my facebook wall. My ex, asked her to be her friend on facebook. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I sure as hell will not let this happen and you shouldn't either. She will miss you, and if she doesn't why the hell would you waste your time on her? If she doesn't miss you after being with you for that long, why would you want to be with someone so cold?

 

Pick up what dignity you have, go no contact, do not wait on her hand and foot. Do not drive to see her. It's all or nothing, she either wants you as her man or doesn't. Don't give her the pleasure of having you as her man and other men as well. It's kind of funny actually, once you start moving on. Women seem to have a radar that let's them know that and they come back. But do not give in, if you want her back, make her do a little work this time around. Because if you instantly give in, she will know she can have you whenever she wants and I can almost guarantee she will dump you again. Why? Because you didn't fix what went wrong the first time of being a pansy. Don't call her, do what you want and most importantly be a man about it.

 

Good Luck

[LostGirl811]

I read somewhere in another thread that only 3% of all dumpees ever manage to get back with their dumper. Maybe it was said just to help people move on, I don't know, but it hurts like hell to think that there is a 97% chance that I will never be with her again

 

When we broke up she said the dreaded words: "I just don't feel the same any more", which pretty much spells it out. She's phoned me/texted me/said she misses me/said she still loves me/cried/said she needs to see me/hugged me, etc, etc. But she always ends it with "...but I think the split was a good idea". I'm in my 2nd phase of no contact (4 days). We split about a month ago.

 

Surely my hopes can be higher than 3%, or am I just kidding myself....?

 

Statistics mean nothing to the individual.

 

Don't give yourself false hope by trying to find a statistic that makes you feel better.

 

You can't make someone want to be with you or be in love with you.

 

Time really does heal all wounds. It just sucks waiting to get there.

 

Your ex is leading you on by saying these things to you, which i dont think is very fair.

 

When I broke up with my ex, it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I felt horrid, and I really did love him, but I wasnt IN love with him so I saw no point in continuing the relationship. I wanted to be friends but I could see this was torturing him with false hope that we'd get back together. So I cut off ties for a while. He's not happily married to another girl he met , and Im happy for him.

 

You'll be fine.

[EmperorR]

Do not listen to statistics man because the future is unpredictable. I know you think this girl is the one and she could be. You don't know. That's the funny thing, no matter what everything always seems to work itself out.

 

Are you sure you really want this girl back? Seriously. Take a few weeks off, let that emotional panic feeling right in your gut and heart calm down. Then when you calm down you can take a clear head and really look at the situation. Why was it that you broke up? Did she tell you? I can almost guarantee that she didn't tell you the real reason. My ex-gf of a year dumped me a month ago, but wouldn't tell me why. She said "you don't get it, you'll figure it out when I'm gone." I finally got it, I was a clingy/needy little pansy. I gave into whatever she wanted, all the time. She lost her attraction for me because of this.

 

If that was your reason for getting dumped, the only way you can prove it to her is by ignoring her ass. If she calls, don't pick up. Don't call back for a few days. If she texts you for no reason, do not respond. You don't want to talk to her unless it's about reconciling. Do not let her pull your strings while she's going out doing whatever she wants and whoever she wants. If it's one thing I've learned with women, there sure are a hell of a lot of them. Another one will come along who could blow your ex out of the water. They are very jealous creatures. We all are. 3 days after my ex had told me she had to move on, a friend of mine who happens to be a girl, wrote on my facebook wall. My ex, asked her to be her friend on facebook. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. I sure as hell will not let this happen and you shouldn't either. She will miss you, and if she doesn't why the hell would you waste your time on her? If she doesn't miss you after being with you for that long, why would you want to be with someone so cold?

 

Pick up what dignity you have, go no contact, do not wait on her hand and foot. Do not drive to see her. It's all or nothing, she either wants you as her man or doesn't. Don't give her the pleasure of having you as her man and other men as well. It's kind of funny actually, once you start moving on. Women seem to have a radar that let's them know that and they come back. But do not give in, if you want her back, make her do a little work this time around. Because if you instantly give in, she will know she can have you whenever she wants and I can almost guarantee she will dump you again. Why? Because you didn't fix what went wrong the first time of being a pansy. Don't call her, do what you want and most importantly be a man about it.

 

Good Luck

 

Oscar speaks teh truth, 4 days NC for me, and im not evn thinking or caring what shes thinking or doing anymore, i wont contact her ever again.

[Rafa]

So I did a weird thing last night.

Some people might think that this means I don't love my ex after all, but that isn't true.

I had a one night stand. I thought it might help take my mind off things, and maybe give me back some of my self esteem. And guess what? It did both of those things! It felt great! I mean, I'm under no illusions here, but I was feeling so lonely and missing intimacy, and I wanted some kind of ego boost I guess, something to pick me up. I got really lucky actually. I met a girl, and we just clicked perfectly. I told her I was freshly single, and not ready to date, and she said she didn't want relationship either. We went back to her place... I was nervous, I mean my confidence has taken a battering over the last month, but she was so easy going. We had some great chats, some wine, and then some great intimacy.

I think what it did was make me realize that there are many women out there who are great people - not just my ex.

I still want my ex, but at least I woke up today feeling a lot less lonely - it's like I had a fix of affection, and I don't feel the least bit bad about it. It was so nice to hear someone other than my ex say "you won't be single for long"!

Anyway, just thought I'd share that. Anyone else tried it so soon after a breakup.. (about a month)?

[EmperorR]

So I did a weird thing last night.

Some people might think that this means I don't love my ex after all, but that isn't true.

I had a one night stand. I thought it might help take my mind off things, and maybe give me back some of my self esteem. And guess what? It did both of those things! It felt great! I mean, I'm under no illusions here, but I was feeling so lonely and missing intimacy, and I wanted some kind of ego boost I guess, something to pick me up. I got really lucky actually. I met a girl, and we just clicked perfectly. I told her I was freshly single, and not ready to date, and she said she didn't want relationship either. We went back to her place... I was nervous, I mean my confidence has taken a battering over the last month, but she was so easy going. We had some great chats, some wine, and then some great intimacy.

I think what it did was make me realize that there are many women out there who are great people - not just my ex.

I still want my ex, but at least I woke up today feeling a lot less lonely - it's like I had a fix of affection, and I don't feel the least bit bad about it. It was so nice to hear someone other than my ex say "you won't be single for long"!

Anyway, just thought I'd share that. Anyone else tried it so soon after a breakup.. (about a month)?

 

I sitll don't have the guts to talk to a girl:(