Am I childish? What's the deal?

[flowergirl]

This is a pretty detailed scenario, so I'll try to condense it. My mother is literally driving me crazy. I went over to my parents' house for dinner the other day, and my mother and I were discussing my relationship with my boyfriend and his interaction with our family, which is quite limited, due to his discomfort with my mother. This discussion was related to a reconciliation with my boyfriend which came about after resolving other issues. Anyway, she said she didn't really mind that he had limited contact with our family, but was upset that 1.) I don't come visit every week (even though I work with my mother), and 2.) That I don't have her over for dinners/visits. She feels it's suspicious and strange, because my brother and sister call her up to visit their apartments. She feels that the honest reasons I told her ( the fact that my apt is small), and her knowing my boyfriend avoids much social contact, were excuses and indicated that he’s brainwashing me with his mentality, and that I should have her over regardless of whether he's there or not, even though that would make him feel even more awkward dealing with her than he already does. I felt that I couldn’t go any further in explaining my boyfriend’s position, which he later told me he wished I had so my mother didn’t misunderstand me, but I don’t think she’ll care, she feels there are certain ways of doing things, and if they’re not done that way, something’s fishy. It’s so frustrating, and I feel intimidated and don’t really try to explain myself. Now, I rebelled against my mother's control when I was younger, resulting in me getting into some awful situations, so I think that if anything remotely similar crops up, regardless of how I handle it for myself, for example the issues behind our brief separation, she automatically assumes I’m starting to crash and burn and is on red-alert, bi-polar is a factor in this. Anyway, am I reacting badly, or should I still keep up boundaries with my mom?

[Geishawhelk]

Who's bi-polar?

Yours, hers or your BF's?

Just trying to clarify.

[quankanne]

stick to your boundaries. As an adult your mom needs to understand that meeting in your home while your man is there just isn't going to work, that alternative plans will be made to keep the stress factor down.

 

that just because you spend the whole day with her doesn't automatically mean you're going to want to socialize with her after-hours, too!

 

and that coming up with wild scenarios isn't helping the situation any. If she really and truly loves you like she says, then she'll drop that particular crap because she understands it makes the whole situation even more uncomfortable.

 

I'm guessing that you and your mom have an average parent-child relationship, or are you two really, really close, and you suddenly being "taken" out of that close relationship bothers her? If the latter, I can kind of understand why she's acting out.

[flowergirl]

Geisha, I am bipolar, just to clarify. This was a factor in much of my behavior in my mid to late 20's. My bipolar was exacerbated by my mother's controlling ways, and I would go out and hang with very unhealthy people as a respone to this. Not to neccesarily justify myself, but it's the root cause of it. I can understand being concerned about the stability of your bipolar child, but my mother is a piece of work, and she cares a hell of a lot what people think and decorum. For example, I once tried to commit suicide, and when my mother came to visit me in the hospital, she wondered aloud to me what she was gonna tell people about this. Anyway, Quakanne, no, my mother and I aren't close at all. In recent years, I've learned to tolerate her more and tried not to let her get to me, and I of course take care of my mental health the best I can so I don't end up in troublesome situations ever again, but she's mostly the same as she's always been. It's exhausting.

[quankanne]

yep. unfortunately, some family members have all the warmth of a vampire. An emotional vampire!

 

in light of what you've shared, it's probably best that you keep clear, strong boundaries with your mom, or she'll tip you back over to the dark side with her behavior. That doesn't mean you don' love or care for her, just are very cognizant of what HER behavior can trigger in YOUR life.

[flowergirl]

Yeah, true. I'm going through the awkward feeling that detachment from my mother brings. I always feel that any man that tries to tell me I need to distance myself from her and that they aren't planning on establishing any relationship with her because of their opinion of her is trying to isolate me and cause me harm. I have this constant need for my mother's approval nad feel tethered to her somehow, even down to the level of who I choose to go out with. I've always wanted my man to fit in with my family, and be an extension of them, including socializing with them on a regular basis and anything else always felt weird or wrong to me. Having a semi-reclusive boyfriend doesn't fit that mold I'd imagined and I wonder if it's because of what seems to be my mom's idea that if you don't socialize or invite her over, you may have something to hide.

[You'reasian]

Hi flowergirl,

 

Not speaking for all guys, but I don't mind meeting and spending time with my girlfriends mother, even if they do not get along - I guess I've always been really comfortable with older people and have felt that I want my girlfriends mother to know that I love her and care about her. Face time with the parents is important and something that any serious guy in a relationship should consider.

[bbygrl83]

Don't just toss those boundaries, it could be the worst thing you've ever done. Parents DON'T always know what's best for their children. They may think they do, but they really don't.

 

However if you think he is trying to isolate you from your mother to much you do need to speak up and tell him. He shouldn't expect you to just stay away from your mom all the time. There are times when mothers are needed.

 

I also know what it's like to deal with bi-polar. Still dealing with my bi-polar issues every day.

[flowergirl]

Yeah, bipolar sucks. The times when stress plays into my life makes it so much worse. Anyway, I'm not that worried about him isolating me from my mother, because I can always go to her house, b ut she's offended by the idea of me not having her over and not hosting and whatever the hell else she feels needs to happen. She's being over-bearing, and he's being over-resistant, and it's a pain in my a***. I'm figuring out a way to give everybody what they want that'll make them all comfortable, and not get on my nerves.