Help with long term love

[LostLove?]

I have been with him for close to ten years. He was my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but there have been serious problems with communication in regard to our relationship. Everything else was open except us.

 

He has an extremely difficult time expressing his feelings and it has been agonizing for me. I know the family baggage (mother was emotionally abusive to the children, father emotionally distant) that clouds his actions...he's like a hurt little boy inside.

 

He also is a workaholic to the point of having a breakdown from the stress. It hurt me to see this happen, but also I was angry and frustrated that he put so much into work, whereas I was having a breakdown due to our relationship.

 

I was tired of being last place and our relationship left like an uncultivated garden.

 

We had been engaged, but broke it off (I wanted us to get counseling but he didn't want to go). Then we were engaged again. Now it's off.

 

Recently (month ago), I have moved out. I was heartbroken.

 

I wanted him to realize how much he does love me and to tell me. I need him to open up to me and to put the relationship first, as I do. I need him to listen to me and I want to be heard.

 

But I am regretting moving out. I am worried he will just work himself into a grave forgetting about us. I am afraid he will just disappear. I am inconsolable. I never thought we'd be apart. This is the person I can see myself grow old with.

 

I sleep with his picture under my pillow, along with my engagement ring and a lock of his hair (he has no idea).

 

He's very proud and stubborn. I'm afraid to talk to him about it now, and I am hurting too much to communicate effectively. I am lost and don't know what to do. I'm afraid he won't want me anymore.

 

Please help me. Thank you for your consideration.

[Losing It]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about these problems you are having. Have you talked to him at all? Has he made any attempt to get in contact with you?

 

This is what I would do. I am very persistant. If you still have the keys to the house you lived in together, go over there and make dinner. Don't stay to eat but leave a note somewhere he will see that you thought he might want something good to eat. Just start doing little thing to let him know that you are there for him if he needs you. Comming from the background you said he did he might be scared to get married and have the problems that his parents had.

 

I think the two of you need to go away for a weekend- somewhere romantic. Somewhere that you can have fun and laugh. If he is not willing to put his work aside for one weekend to try to repair your relationship (after 10 years) then you should walk away. It may be 2 months it may be two years but he will regret letting you leave. After 10 years you sound like you could use a little fun. Don't let him be the one in control of your emotions and the way that you like to be. If you want to hold someone and talk about your feelings all day long then find someone you can do that with.

 

You sound like a strong person, but you have to be strong in your heart too.

 

Good Luck

 

Let me know how you do.

 

G-

[Tony T]

Whoa!!! You say "this is the person I can see myself grow old with." (exact quote)

 

But you also say:

 

1. You have been seeing him TEN years.

 

2. Serious problems with communication.

 

3. Extremely difficult for him to express his feelings.

 

4. Has family baggage, "a hurt little boy inside."

 

5. He won't go to counselling.

 

6. A workaholic to the point of breakdown with stress.

 

7. You are angry and frustrated that he put you through so

 

much.

 

8. You need him to open up to you, to listen to you and he

 

won't do it.

 

9. You worry that he will work hard and forget his

 

relationship with you.

 

10. You are afraid he will "just disappear."

 

11. He's very proud and stubborn and you are afraid to talk

 

to him.

 

12. You have many fears concerning this relationship.

 

Well, your entire post lists reasons why this guy is NOT relationship or husband material and why he is NOT a person most ladies would want to grow old with. If he would talk and go to counselling, I would say hang in there. But in your case, love is simply not enough.

 

You don't need advice, you need a miracle. I am very sorry this has happened to you but it's not the end of the world. You can move on and be very happy with someone who is exactly the OPPOSITE of what this man is. Someone who will show his love, communicate, and devote time to the relationship.

 

Buy a book on Codependency and you will learn a lot about him and a lot about the unhealthiness of the relationship you have had with him.

[LostLove?]

But Tony, do you think he (or anyone) can change?

 

I have always felt that people can change, they just have to do it themselves. No one can change anyone else but themself.

 

I came from a 'dysfunctional' family (alcoholism, suicide, etc.) who does not communicate in a healthy manner and I know I have done a lot of emotional growth over the years to be the person I am today.

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

It seems the problem has grown worse over the ten year period with him. Oh, yes, he can change. But are you willing to gamble valuable years of your life for the slight possibility of that happening. It will take some real wake-up calls, traumatic events in his life, for him to begin change. Meantime, he denies he has a problem and won't go to counselling.

 

You came from a dysfunctional family but it seems you did a lot of work on yourself to get out of that rut. He doesn't even realize he's in one yet.

 

If you're looking for someone to tell you a relationship with this man will be a fulfilling experience for a lifetime, you are barking up the wrong tree. But I would give anything if I could change my feelings...and reality. I only want happiness for you and you haven't got it here.

[Shirley]

I have been with him for close to ten years. He was my best friend and I love him with all my heart, but there have been serious problems with communication in regard to our relationship. Everything else was open except us. He has an extremely difficult time expressing his feelings and it has been agonizing for me. I know the family baggage (mother was emotionally abusive to the children, father emotionally distant) that clouds his actions...he's like a hurt little boy inside. He also is a workaholic to the point of having a breakdown from the stress. It hurt me to see this happen, but also I was angry and frustrated that he put so much into work, whereas I was having a breakdown due to our relationship. I was tired of being last place and our relationship left like an uncultivated garden. We had been engaged, but broke it off (I wanted us to get counseling but he didn't want to go). Then we were engaged again. Now it's off.

 

Recently (month ago), I have moved out. I was heartbroken. I wanted him to realize how much he does love me and to tell me. I need him to open up to me and to put the relationship first, as I do. I need him to listen to me and I want to be heard. But I am regretting moving out. I am worried he will just work himself into a grave forgetting about us. I am afraid he will just disappear. I am inconsolable. I never thought we'd be apart. This is the person I can see myself grow old with.

 

I sleep with his picture under my pillow, along with my engagement ring and a lock of his hair (he has no idea). He's very proud and stubborn. I'm afraid to talk to him about it now, and I am hurting too much to communicate effectively. I am lost and don't know what to do. I'm afraid he won't want me anymore. Please help me. Thank you for your consideration.

Hi!

 

This is a man who truly believes in solving his own problems. Which is what a mojority of the men in this world believe. And you've tried a few things to get him to open up. And it didn't work. All you can do is be open to him about your feelings. And be able to do it without lashing out. And that's what can be very very hard to do. Especially when you've been trying for ten years. Why haven't you told him that you sleep with those things under your pillow? You should tell him that he's the most important person in the world to you. So tell him what he means to you. But also know that he has to decide for himself how much you mean to him. If he's unable or unwilling to let go, then you need to get on with your life. Your needs are important too. You will never stop loving this man, but you will eventually be able to stop hurting if you just give in to the idea that his feelings just weren't stong enough to overpower his fears.