NC Inspiration - Starting/In It/Wanting to Break it - READ

[unknown815]

I am in a similar situation, but only that I am a guy. Broke up with my ex a week ago, we have a daughter together. She has the NC on me, she will not even let me know how my daughter is doing. I had a suspicion that she was seeing someone else. I texted her, emailed her but all in vain. I just want to know that my daughter is fine.

 

The "NC" thing is very difficult and has different rules when there is a child is involved because obviously there has to be somewhat of contact. Must be hard for you too but im sure its even harder on her being you're the one who broke things off..Because i am in her situation, i would say to give it a little time to let the anger die down. Once she lets go of the anger go, I'm sure she will be able to respond very civilly when it comes to your child. She might just be playing little games because to piss you off by ignoring. its not right but i get it. Been there, still there....MY SITUATION IS HORRIBLE!

[SRV]

Thank you Unknown, we are together in this. It too shall pass, a day at a time, you have a friend here going through the same thing. Why will she not seperate the child from our differences? That's what really irks me.

[unknown815]

She will with time..I know with my situation it was very difficult acting cold and bitter but maybe i was looking for some type of reaction from it. which i got. I was very short and wouldnt answer the phone when he called in the begining to see how the baby was doing. This upset him which is what i wanted. I guess i was so hurt that me making it easy on him made me think it was even more Unfair. i was trying to get any attention i could even if it was negative...And guess what? Now we are extreamly civil with eachother becasue i know that the bad energy isnt good for the baby PLUS i dont need to give him any reason to say something negative about me. I have flipped it around and am trying to kill it with kindness. To be honest, this is even harder..I pretend that nothing bothers me and always have a smile on my face. He JUST came and picked her up. We NEVER discuss us, only the baby. we were very friendly but this hurt me even more becasue it may sound weird but now i feel there is nothing else. We have this peace and there is nothing to even dispute anymore. I just cant understand how he is prancing around town with another women when him and I were so great together. I want nothing more than to share in the joy of our daughter together. I wrote a really long, detailed letter about him and i. Everything i am feeling. Everything i feel about him. The love, the hate and how i think hes doing this becasue he is scared and he is going to regret it. I DIDNT send it! I want to so bad but dont have the heart to be rejected again. What would he say to this? would i even get a reaction? What do you think, should i send it?

PS - Why did you leave your girlfriend anyway??

[CherishG]

To be honest, this is even harder..I pretend that nothing bothers me and always have a smile on my face. He JUST came and picked her up. We NEVER discuss us, only the baby. we were very friendly but this hurt me even more becasue it may sound weird but now i feel there is nothing else. I just cant understand how he is prancing around town with another women when him and I were so great together. I want nothing more than to share in the joy of our daughter together.

 

This is exactly what I'm feeling at this point.

I remember like it was just yesterday the first 2wks after we broke,

which was one month ago this last week, I did NOT ignore his calls when he wanted to see his daughter.

At first I couldn't understand this, because during the time I was pregnant and her first year of her life, he rarely made a case to see her.

We were going through a break at the time and I went back home to Hawaii to give birth to our daughter.

He has never offered money for child support, and I understand this becoz he doesn't have the money to give, and he's going thru college still.

I have never bitched to him that he doesn't help financially, I have been so patient and understanding.

I literally have raised our daughter on my own really.

I know that he knows that I'm being so unconditionally unselfish by letting him see his daughter, despite how much I'm suffering right now.

I hold in all the pain inside.

There are times I could feel my heart wanting to burst out of my chest from the pain of seeing him, but I look away.

I hold everything in, until I get home and he's no longer in my presence.

[SRV]

The constant arguments and indifference, the lack of her not wanting to compromise and maybe me being unrelenting that things need to go a certain way. I saw that her mom called me yesterday, twice, an hour apart but dod not leave me a message and I did not answer neither return the call. I wonder why she was calling, what do you think in your opinion? The least my ex could do was just call by herself and let me know that our daughter is doing fine, but under the circumstances, I will assume that silence is an indication that all's well.

 

She will with time..I know with my situation it was very difficult acting cold and bitter but maybe i was looking for some type of reaction from it. which i got. I was very short and wouldnt answer the phone when he called in the begining to see how the baby was doing. This upset him which is what i wanted. I guess i was so hurt that me making it easy on him made me think it was even more Unfair. i was trying to get any attention i could even if it was negative...And guess what? Now we are extreamly civil with eachother becasue i know that the bad energy isnt good for the baby PLUS i dont need to give him any reason to say something negative about me. I have flipped it around and am trying to kill it with kindness. To be honest, this is even harder..I pretend that nothing bothers me and always have a smile on my face. He JUST came and picked her up. We NEVER discuss us, only the baby. we were very friendly but this hurt me even more becasue it may sound weird but now i feel there is nothing else. We have this peace and there is nothing to even dispute anymore. I just cant understand how he is prancing around town with another women when him and I were so great together. I want nothing more than to share in the joy of our daughter together. I wrote a really long, detailed letter about him and i. Everything i am feeling. Everything i feel about him. The love, the hate and how i think hes doing this becasue he is scared and he is going to regret it. I DIDNT send it! I want to so bad but dont have the heart to be rejected again. What would he say to this? would i even get a reaction? What do you think, should i send it?

PS - Why did you leave your girlfriend anyway??

[Virgo828]

Just got an email from my mom that says, "How's my baby doing this morning?" She must have a 6th sense about me. I'm having one of those tougher days.

 

*sigh*

 

Day 5

 

 

Thats the worse, my guy rarely sends those texts but when he does it's hard for me not to reply because of this. Today is day 1 for me of NC, last night did it for me.

[unknown815]

Well you should have picked up for her mother. if i were you, i would be very curious. Does she let you see the child? how often? im confused....

[unknown815]

ggggggggggggggg

[unknown815]

The constant arguments and indifference, the lack of her not wanting to compromise and maybe me being unrelenting that things need to go a certain way. I saw that her mom called me yesterday, twice, an hour apart but dod not leave me a message and I did not answer neither return the call. I wonder why she was calling, what do you think in your opinion? The least my ex could do was just call by herself and let me know that our daughter is doing fine, but under the circumstances, I will assume that silence is an indication that all's well.

 

 

Well you should have picked up for her mother. if i were you, i would be very curious. Does she let you see the child? how often? im confused....

[SRV]

She uses the child as a pawn, whenever we had a fight she would shut me out completely even when I was calling to find out how the child is doing.

 

This is the hardest thing ever, I am seriously weighing my options and next it will be to court. I did not want it to end up there because we could have solved this in a friendly way.

 

As for her mother, I was curious too why she was calling and she did not leave me a message.

 

Well you should have picked up for her mother. if i were you, i would be very curious. Does she let you see the child? how often? im confused....

[steve9417]

hi .... great post

 

i'm in this NC game - now 10 days since we last spoke - she still loves me and misses me but is not prepared to do anything about it ...... she's scared of falling back in love with me basically (she's with someone new now) ...... i finally smelt the coffee after she messed around with me too much ........ man this NC brings up a lot of hurt and pain ...... lots and lots of crying and missing her ..... want her back etc and worse is that its all in my head all the time ..... almost like an obsession ...... meditation helps a lot though to clear me head though

 

i'm realising that self respect has a lot to do with NC ..... i gave up smoking 10 days ago and that was a breeze compared to this ..... i'm addressing the reason why we split and rebuilding my own self confidence ..... this is going to be a slow process but i know its going to be the making of me .... but for now i agree NC sucks !!! i'm realising that this is just an examination in self disipline ..... i knew smoking was bad for me and thus i went though the pain of giving it up ...... and i know my ex is also bad for me ..... NC brings up lots of pain and pillow crying .... i'm just learning to accept that and lots of other anxious thoughts until i get bored of them and get my life back on track ...........

[unknown815]

hi .... great post

 

i'm in this NC game - now 10 days since we last spoke - she still loves me and misses me but is not prepared to do anything about it ...... she's scared of falling back in love with me basically (she's with someone new now) ...... i finally smelt the coffee after she messed around with me too much ........ man this NC brings up a lot of hurt and pain ...... lots and lots of crying and missing her ..... want her back etc and worse is that its all in my head all the time ..... almost like an obsession ...... meditation helps a lot though to clear me head though

 

i'm realising that self respect has a lot to do with NC ..... i gave up smoking 10 days ago and that was a breeze compared to this ..... i'm addressing the reason why we split and rebuilding my own self confidence ..... this is going to be a slow process but i know its going to be the making of me .... but for now i agree NC sucks !!! i'm realising that this is just an examination in self disipline ..... i knew smoking was bad for me and thus i went though the pain of giving it up ...... and i know my ex is also bad for me ..... NC brings up lots of pain and pillow crying .... i'm just learning to accept that and lots of other anxious thoughts until i get bored of them and get my life back on track ...........

 

sounds like you're on the right track. You have a good head on your shoulders. I will tell you this - in the begining i was Beyond devestated. Wanted to jusmp out the window. I kept calling, Emailing, texting and everything. It was pathetic. I started the NC about 2 weeks ago and i feel so much better! I have finally gained some control back. And even better, i sense that this is really bothering him. He has had me blocked on aol for 2 months. All of a sudden i signed on line today and there i saw him screen name. He unblocked me. Not reading into it too much, but its an obvious hint towards opening the lines of communication. Weird.

[crushed66]

He has had me blocked on aol for 2 months.

 

how can you tell if they blocked you or not?

[unknown815]

how can you tell if they blocked you or not?

 

Because he is usally on my buddy list. He keeps his name signed on all day while at work and one day i didnt see him on anymore. I mean he told me straight out "im blocking you" but even if he didnt tell me, if i sign un another name i would see him name and then under my normal screen name he wasnt there. Now all of a sudden he appears Which i know means he unblocked me..why would he do that? he hasnt IM'd me yet but its weird....

[nymets2008]

While this NC rule with all of you has to do with an OFFICIAL BREAKUP....what should I do in the case of us taking a brief break for her to figure things out? She is thoroughly unhappy in her life, always been depressed (upset at the lack of her relationship with her mother, has felt down since she quit her job, the lack of structure in her life, etc).

 

Its been a month to the day and she would text me 1-2x a week to see how everything is and how she has been doing (she is still in that overwhelmingly confused state)...we hung out a few times last week and she knows where I stand but she is still confused. She would always tell me how much she misses me, how much she loves and adores me, etc, and doesn't understand why she keeps pushing me away (which is something her father did to my girls mom which led to their divorce).

 

Now, I have not contacted her since Friday evening.....should I begin picking and choosing which calls/texts to reply to or shut it down completely? I am afraid if I shut it down completely she will think I moved on, but if I respond ALL THE TIME she is just stringing me along (which she said she feels bad for doing).

[Sysyphus28]

hi .... great post

 

i'm in this NC game - now 10 days since we last spoke - she still loves me and misses me but is not prepared to do anything about it ...... she's scared of falling back in love with me basically (she's with someone new now) ...... i finally smelt the coffee after she messed around with me too much ........ man this NC brings up a lot of hurt and pain ...... lots and lots of crying and missing her ..... want her back etc and worse is that its all in my head all the time ..... almost like an obsession ...... meditation helps a lot though to clear me head though

 

i'm realising that self respect has a lot to do with NC ..... i gave up smoking 10 days ago and that was a breeze compared to this ..... i'm addressing the reason why we split and rebuilding my own self confidence ..... this is going to be a slow process but i know its going to be the making of me .... but for now i agree NC sucks !!! i'm realising that this is just an examination in self disipline ..... i knew smoking was bad for me and thus i went though the pain of giving it up ...... and i know my ex is also bad for me ..... NC brings up lots of pain and pillow crying .... i'm just learning to accept that and lots of other anxious thoughts until i get bored of them and get my life back on track ...........

 

I'm on board with you. 2 weeks a few days. It is just plain horrible. Bad dreams..........pain, wondering......everything your going through. I think I am crazy sometimes, the way I THINK I need her.

It has everything to do with self respect. EVERYTHING. She dumped you and is with someone new, and you think she "is afraid of falling back in love with you"...........

Dude. She is "with" someone new. She doesn't want to see you because she knows you love and she doesn't want to feel guilty! She wants the new thing to work, her new life to work.

You will be ok. You will. I'm not, but each week I have suttle realizations about myself in relation to my past....and her.. I feel angry as hell, then jealous, then sad, then contemplative....all in a few hours time.

NC is the worst, because all you want to do is contact! It would feel SO good to get some positive validation for your pain..........like, "I still love you,but..........." That is some phony movie nonsense.

I don't know you and I can type better validation for you that won't leave crumpled up in a ball hugging a pillow.

Here it is:

You are smart for posting here, and going into NC. This person, as awesome as you think she is(and she probably is great) has moved on and has a new lover. His hands touch where your hands used to be....gross.

She is joking with him and sharing herself with him...even more gross. You want her back....

"Hey babe, missed you, how was so and so make you feel in bed" Seriously?!.............ahhhhhh!! I got dumped for another guy.

My ex might as well be an alien right now with 5 arms. She has been completely rude, and self-righteous, and downright mean to me.

Even if your ex comes back, do you really trust her now?

Geez man, thier are so many girls around.... they are fun and witty and different!

Somethings gotta give and you going NC is bold.

Your life is on track, you are not whimpering after some girl who stomped your heart into the ground.

[unknown815]

Because he is usally on my buddy list. He keeps his name signed on all day while at work and one day i didnt see him on anymore. I mean he told me straight out "im blocking you" but even if he didnt tell me, if i sign un another name i would see him name and then under my normal screen name he wasnt there. Now all of a sudden he appears Which i know means he unblocked me..why would he do that? he hasnt IM'd me yet but its weird....

 

So now that i see his name on line and i know he UNBLOCKED me for a reason, i have this urge to IM him. I want to say "i see you ublocked me, why"? I know thats stupid, but i cant help staring at him screen name wondering why he unblocked me and hasnt sent me a message

[i11]

hi .... just got here, have seen so many experiences

I was in a LDR. im now in NC for over 50 days, about 7 weeks and actually till now I am still confused if I should call it a break-up, bc I dunno what she's told me on that day, an official breakup or a brief break, but we've got NC since then. It's like we've never done anything with such good understanding. And I do not intend to confirm the breakup from her again. The first 2 weeks were tough, but I always keep myself busy in a health way (no drugs, no smoke, no alcohol) and i thought i am getting better , my life is back on track until a week ago. suddenly, i just felt myself not able to do that any more. I couldn't stop keeping missing her, attemping to contact her, I just told myself to hold back, such contact would never work out, and she would never change her mind, as far as I knew her. After two days' struggling, I am better now, this noon, I could even cook a meal for myself. I've lost myself once in the relationship and NC is now helping me reevaluate myself, build up my confidence.

 

eh....soon will be her birthday. I've asked a lot of people if it is necessary/suitable to give her a birthday present/card. The answer tends to be NO. Finally I decide to write her a long letter about how I've been through these days, how I thought about our LDR before, etc. I assume that would not break the NC rule. And during the past 12 years, none of her birthdays were without my greetings and presents, we used to be best friends. I could just not let the past go, and definitely dont want to see anyone else.

[EmperorR]

God bless nc now fifteen days she has msged me twice both times I just signed off a few minutes later. A few weeks ago I would be so weak but now I have strength and don't seem to care as much.

[steve9417]

I'm on board with you. 2 weeks a few days. It is just plain horrible. Bad dreams..........pain, wondering......everything your going through. I think I am crazy sometimes, the way I THINK I need her.

It has everything to do with self respect. EVERYTHING. She dumped you and is with someone new, and you think she "is afraid of falling back in love with you"...........

Dude. She is "with" someone new. She doesn't want to see you because she knows you love and she doesn't want to feel guilty! She wants the new thing to work, her new life to work.

You will be ok. You will. I'm not, but each week I have suttle realizations about myself in relation to my past....and her.. I feel angry as hell, then jealous, then sad, then contemplative....all in a few hours time.

NC is the worst, because all you want to do is contact! It would feel SO good to get some positive validation for your pain..........like, "I still love you,but..........." That is some phony movie nonsense.

I don't know you and I can type better validation for you that won't leave crumpled up in a ball hugging a pillow.

Here it is:

You are smart for posting here, and going into NC. This person, as awesome as you think she is(and she probably is great) has moved on and has a new lover. His hands touch where your hands used to be....gross.

She is joking with him and sharing herself with him...even more gross. You want her back....

"Hey babe, missed you, how was so and so make you feel in bed" Seriously?!.............ahhhhhh!! I got dumped for another guy.

My ex might as well be an alien right now with 5 arms. She has been completely rude, and self-righteous, and downright mean to me.

Even if your ex comes back, do you really trust her now?

Geez man, thier are so many girls around.... they are fun and witty and different!

Somethings gotta give and you going NC is bold.

Your life is on track, you are not whimpering after some girl who stomped your heart into the ground.

 

thanks for the words Sysyphus28 .... you've gone onto nail it there..... yes someone new and she's getting all the intimacy i once gave her etc etc - i get your point on what's going on though my situation "is" slightly different - i ended it and she was devastated (8 months ago it ended and i wanted to talk 5 months ago -since then she's been messing me big time) - i assume she's still seeing this new guy but she's not mentioned him in over a month) she's seeing a therapist to help work out her needs and i know it's not a question of me "v" him (line us up on a piece of paper and i'd win hands down ... period ..... i'm a great guy but she's associated pain with me and not him) it's more about her gaining emotional maturity to recognise that she had a part in our end and trusting me / us again - the new guy is a defence mechanism - ok bear with me before you tell me i'm holding on .....

 

i realise now that NC is a Win - Win situation ..... regardless the outcome of this situation all this world of pain will leave a lasting impression on me (for the best) - i've never gone through this amount of hurt over such a sustained period - its got to be good for me ........ right ???

 

Win ...... if she stays with this new guy then she's shown her true colors - if we'd stayed together, married and had kids etc .... then we'd have got to the same place only this time only with a whole load of added complication and emotion

 

Win ...... if she comes back then we've a chance of a deeper relationship (which i'd always wanted) with a much bigger insight into one another's buttons ...... get your point about trust though .......... not worrying about that for now unless we go down this route

 

thus my win only ..... it makes NC significantly easier ...... i can give up trying to force NC and go with it........ it gives me the determination that what ever now happens it's for the best - i can seriously reduce the amount of head space on "her"and focus on "me"and rebuild my self confidence ... this feels like a revelation ........ NC is hard but yes its self respect and whilst it involves a lot of pain i know its helping me go through an emotional clearout and big re-growth .........

 

right ........ now where's that pillow i need a good cry

 

Seriously ..... NC is the only way forward for me and i'm more certain of that as each day passes even though it hurts like hell at times ........

[jolie78]

I have broke I know. I wanted to "talk" about "things". The conversation sucked, and I ended saying a bunch of mushy stuff that I thought would make her feel something!! ANYTHING. She was acting like a cyborg...so.

 

hilarious. and so true. i mean, at some point, you have to find amusement in all of this, no? it's not really so much that we really really love them or want them back (who in their right mind would after being subjected to such coldness and cruelty?), but it's just trying to reach out for compassion, to know that the person we once loved is still the person he/she is. but yes, instead, you get a cyborg. and, really, where do they get off? why would you have to be immature and cold during a break up? i think i only got so sad and depressed because he acted like that. had he been a friend, i would have felt a lot better about things.