Am I doing the right thing.....

[mac2008]

Here is a copy of a letter I wrote, after we said we would split up.....am I just being over sensitive. As I am having doubts I would be greatful for any feedback or thoughts:

 

 

I don’t understand what is going on with you at the moment. I am surely entitled to air my views with you about certain issues without you responding in a defensive, aggressive manner, including screaming at me and arrogance, by arrogance I am talking about your derision of the way I feel with regards to issues that you don’t agree with as nonsense.

 

Over the duration of this relationship I have had to endure from you overt criticism of my personality; from things I don’t do, to things I don’t do well enough, to things I should or should not say. For the most part I listen to what you say, I can’t say I always agree or like what you say, but I nonetheless listen. Why is it I don’t get the same respect?

 

The point I was making was that you never gave me a chance. Things happened fairly fast in 1998 and I was devastated by the events at the end of the year. (personal traumas took place) I felt I needed some time, time that seemed to me to be portrayed as a luxury that we couldn’t afford. Working that year, not knowing what I was doing, walking in a daze, not knowing how or where I was or how I got to a certain place on many occasions throughout the day, led for a very disconcerting lifestyle. Whilst at home, and home was my fathers old flat, where I couldn’t get a proper nights sleep, because I was sleeping in the very same bed he died in, I did not get any peace or repose.

 

I was however severely criticised at the time for my lack of housekeeping chores, amongst other things, so on reflection what time for peace or grieving did I really have? None at all. MY mental state deteriorated during this period for many to see, and to think that it was for as little as £125 per week sickens and upsets me. The long term implications of this action was as we know, a breakdown in late 1999 which lasted into 2000, the detrimental effect on our relationship, which till this date has never really recovered, the loss of our ambitions and hopes, a high price to pay for so little.

 

Despite trying in 2000 to make a recovery as best I could, you still never gave me a chance. I had no self-esteem; I was a blank piece of paper starting afresh. I got rejections from University, I believed the criticism you levelled at me, that I was no good with money – I became scared and actually asked my wages to be paid into your account. I thought you were better at financial management that me, sounds rather ironic now does it not.

 

Despite this and the fact that wages would disappear after about two weeks – I still got the blame for most things; phone bills, DVD’s, basically my name was all over our dire financial problems. Something I again reluctantly believed until I finally challenged you in 2006 and examined a phone bill, which perversely showed it, was you who were pushing the bills up, not me. By the same token, I took the bull by the horns and stopped my money being paid into your account, a very big and scary step for me – and interestingly, I budgeted. and didn’t run out of money, you still did.

 

Interestingly you walked out of your job in 2005 citing stress in your life as a reason why you could no longer cope. What would you have realistically done if the ball were on the other foot? It really was one rule for you and one rule for me. In 1999, it was me that needed the time because of severe stress and pressure, we could not do it, but you claim in 2005 you need the time for stress – and you do it, the difference being, that I spoke to you about my wishes in 1998, you did not, I was not a factor for you to consider. The only time I was a factor was when you learnt that I was going to be reduced to half pay – you said we couldn’t afford me to be on half pay – and I went back to work in pain – why? So I could learn three weeks later that you had quit your job. Moreover you also wanted my empathy, because you were stressed.

 

I have every right to discuss this with you in a civilised manner, just as you have every right, and you exercise that right quite frequently, to criticise me and during your screaming, to hurt me with reminders of actions or things that I said when I was ill, and I can think of no other reason you would say these things other then to hurt me, for what other reason could there possibly be?

 

You like to say I never apologise for anything, which is blatantly not true. When I discovered your latest lie; not working in the library, (she had told me this was her job - and kept this up for around 6 months) I recall you turning the tables and I was apologising to you for things I had previously apologised to you for. Why is that? Is it part of this “___ is always wrong” scenario? Why are my issues and concerns derided, is it again because “___ issues are not worth listening too, because they are not true” or is it rather “___ issues are not as important as mine”.

 

The amount of damage of my self-esteem since 1999 has been considerable, from a great number of sources and I have soldiered on and it has not been easy. So when eventually after hearing for too long about how I don’t do this, and I don’t do that, I finally had to tell you what I thought. I did not expect you to call me vulgar and abusive names and I did not expect a fight, I expected some understanding of my position, something that I have never got from you if you are the one on the receiving end. Smells of arrogance. Something akin to how you describe your mother’s behaviour is it not? Criticise her and she sulks, gets angry, and won’t talk the person in days? Well take a good look at yourself!

 

I have been appealing to you for many months to stop yelling at me and let me be listened too. I told you on holiday that I was happy with you, but only sometimes, not when you yell and scream. It is not some thing you are willing to stop and it is not something you see as a problem. You have never recognised it and the first step in changing something is to recognise something.

 

IF you won’t change this, and I am not asking for much, after all what am I asking for?

- To allow me to speak my mind without fear of recriminations (yelling/verbal abuse/derision)

- To respect what I say, even if you don’t agree with it “You may not like what I say, but you will defend my right to say it” should apply to this relationship as well as to governments.

- To stop acting authoritarian.

- To recognise what is happening within you.

 

This does not seem to be changing or even recognised and you are prepared to sacrifice our possible future on this. That’s not love or respect. To treat the person you love with some of the rights and freedoms that you yourself proclaim to champion is an anathema to me.

I wish you well and you will be in my thoughts (the good times at any rate).

[superd]

I usually don't take the time to repond to long posts but you seem in real need of help and so I will help you. I have read through you entire letter and that is all that you needed, was for someone to hear it through. Don't send it. Delete it and carry on. She won't respond or change because of it. She sounds like she has problems as well. Your the strong one. You got even more than closure, you healed your heart. Move on.

[mac2008]

I gave her the ;etter to read last night - after the decision was made to seperate. Part of me wants to run back and say we shouldn't do this, and the other half is telling me to stick it out and be strong.

 

I'm not perfect, but I have gotten all these big lies - such as her quitting her job without telling me, getting another one and quitting that too without telling me and now recently telling me she had a job she never had, she was doing some temping instead - I just don't understand the lies.

 

I think the reasons in my letter tell have left a very big stain on our relationship as far as I am concerned, we have had no sexual relations for many years and that is because I don't feel the desire. I am hoping, still that may change, through joint couple therapy - but of course if we are not together then that's all academic.

[dead-dyke]

It sounds like you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to good to her/for her. Of course it's easy for me to say because I'm not in your shoes. She seems to be in need of a little lesson called life. She should be grateful you put up w/ her for as long as you have, IMO.

 

But - she won't pay no mind to your letter. The only way she will appreciate the words in it, are after being removed from the situation for some time. I sincerely wish you luck w/ this. I hope you find everything your looking for.

[westrock]

I also read through your whole letter. It sounds like you are really hurting here about events that happened going back 10 years. Did you ever seek grief counselling for those personal traumas?

 

Do you realize that she is hurting just as much as you?

 

The criticisms by your partner are actually projections being made by your partner and cries for help from your partner. For example, you said your partner accused you of not being able to handle money, but your partner was really just projecting and this is borne out by the fact that you discovered that your partner ran up the phone bills and you were in fact better at handling the money than your partner. Do a google search on "projection in relationships" and it might help you to come to terms with what you experienced.

 

you will be in my thoughts (the good times at any rate).

 

I did not read one positive word or any indication of compassion in your letter until i read the final sentence.

 

Since you already gave her the letter... I think it would be helpful to you if you were to now write something similar but this time focus only the "good times" that you refer to. That's where you need to turn your focus.

[mac2008]

Since my long letter there have been soome developments. I have arrange couple therapy - it is a wait though.

 

However a have asked my wife to communicate with me and talk to me rather than at me - so we caqn both respect each others opinion. This does not seem like something she is abe to do, because any of these discussions, led by me, end up with me in tears and her yelling at me.

 

People tell me to tel her to get out of my ife I would be better off without her etc. - but love conquers rationality doesn't it?

 

Yesterday she said she had demands in out relationship and I do not follow them. I admit to not being so proactive with the houseowork - but I can be when she has ever walked out - ironic - I always feel there is something to be said if someone keeps reminding you of your duties/reponsabilities/demands - housework/decorating should be something that people do together out of mutual respect and emowerment - I guess it would come naturally. Well she said she demanded me to fulfill my duties as would a manager at work enforcing a job contract, she was enforcing the marriage contract - I didn't like that and to prove it I said I was not demanding respect, but asking for it.

 

Today I proposed a whole action plan. I sugested that we look to the future and deal with past issues in the threapy sessions, that I ill trust her 100% and we would deal with each other with respect. Her amin issue is, and always has been the housework. Thus when I ever had a grivence agaisnt her - she would always cite the housework as a problem, even if I tried (because it was never enough, or it was for only a week - never good enough), and my grievence never got talked about - I always felt "hijacked".

 

I was so desperate for some headway to be made today - these problems com up time and time again and I finally said look - either move on with me - or do what you say and move out. She wants to end out realtionship, but as she has got nowhere to go would want to stay in the flat till she has somewhere - even telling me today she would consider being a prostitute to get away. It's so depreasing and now I have gone to the stage of telling her to leave the flat - it is very, very sad.

 

As always I never know if what I do is the right course of action. Sorry for the long post and the typos.....