Divorce--To.. Or not to...

[Doe-John]

at 50? aren't you 33 years old? does that mean that you plan to stay for a certain period of time and then ditch her if it's not good? knowing that she relinquished her rights to what was earned TOGETHER...

 

I think you missed my original post. I was just using 50 as an age... it has no meaning.

 

what can YOU do to change your perspective of her and your marriage? if you don't intend to change your attitude towards her and the marriage - then do her a favor now and divorce - because she deserves someone who can appreciate her way more than your attitude shows.

 

 

And, trust me, once you do your wife the favor of letting her go, I bet she will become the woman you always wanted her to be because she will be done being your Mom and able to focus on herself, since right now she is caught up in trying to figure out why she can't make you happy the way she needs to make you happy to make herself feel like you love her.

 

I'll respond to both of these at once because I think they are related... I have in fact told her exactly this. That she needs to worry about and focus more on herself. Take better care of herself. Have her own life outside of me. Become more independent. I further explained that all of these things would make her more attractive and interesting to me. Believe me girls... This is not a situation of control or hiding my thoughts and feelings. I am very open with her--in a caring way of course. I WANT her to know that she can take care of herself. She has been too wrapped up in being a mom and wife. I actually made her (in a nice way of course) go out and get a job so she could make friends and have a sense of independence. That helped tremendously. That was also a major focus of her counseling--independence and self confidence.

 

I want nothing more than her to be strong---and to be the absolute best person she can be.

 

--OH-- and by the way... The agreement was not a condition of us working this out. I told her all of those things--and that I wanted to work it out BEFORE I expressed my concern regarding that. She offered. AND--it is just ONE deal. It will have no major long-term affect on our financial well being--other than I will be moving my business in there, which she already owns half of anyhow... so it is actually good for her too. Besides... even if I didn't HAVE to give her anything--I would. I would never leave her and the kids stranded and broke. That's just cold and wrong. --and that's not my style.

 

Thanks again for your input!

[Doe-John]

One more thing... why is it that women always have such a negative perspective on things? It almost makes me laugh that you would pass judgment instead of asking questions. Did/do you do that in your own marriage/relationships?

[carhill]

Likely a reflection of men's words and actions being different. Some men just lie. A women hears enough of it and begins to believe all men lie. Skepticism borne of experience.

 

IME, definitely not particular to gender

[Siciliana]

I don't think that you are able to understand how your posts seem from the outside. All I know is, I am glad you aren't my husband. I feel really bad for your wife.

[Simplycaroline]

One more thing... why is it that women always have such a negative perspective on things? It almost makes me laugh that you would pass judgment instead of asking questions. Did/do you do that in your own marriage/relationships?

 

You are not good at getting your point accross without appearing self obsorbed. Now granted that may not be the case. Your wife should focus on herself and when she does it may make her more interesting to you, but you LESS interesting to her. Or she may enjoy her new found freedom to a degree that you are not comfortable with. Or maybe this just might be what the doctor ordered.

 

I personally think that many of the problems that you are having in your marriage just based upon your post are YOUR problems alone that you need to work on as a person in therapy alone.

[2sunny]

DJ -

 

it is YOUR negative perspective of your wife that is the driving force of the responses you are receiving here.

 

your perception of her is not loving or respectful. it is critical and demeaning. an attitude that screams "you need to be better to be with me."

 

your attitude needs work honey... if you are unwilling to do that for your love of her - then you need to divorce her so that she can find someone who finds her worthy without the critical eye you have.

[reddog63]

DJ -

 

it is YOUR negative perspective of your wife that is the driving force of the responses you are receiving here.

 

your perception of her is not loving or respectful. it is critical and demeaning. an attitude that screams "you need to be better to be with me."

 

your attitude needs work honey... if you are unwilling to do that for your love of her - then you need to divorce her so that she can find someone who finds her worthy without the critical eye you have.

 

 

I think quite the oppisite, he is being honest and forthright. If it was a woman saying she was not sure of her feelings for her husband, etc the replies would be different to some extent.

 

Listen....it happens.......people can grow apart......people can care for their spouse and still find that something is missing without being a bad person.

 

Yes, I feel sorry for his wife. It must be awful to hear your husband is not sure he loves you anymore and may want to divorce.

 

Can you ladies not picture it. There are enough of the walk away wife stories to show it is quite common. It seems more rare for the husband to be in that situation.

 

He is not in an affair. He is trying to figure out what to do.

 

I think you women take it as a personal attack......"How dare he not love his wife and think of walking away"......

[a4a]

 

I think you women take it as a personal attack......"How dare he not love his wife and think of walking away"......

 

Nope- Us "women" don't think that way (at least this one). But when a guy gets on here dissing his wife. Stating how he missed out on life...... and after building a life together (kids and finances) - states how he wants a woman that knows how to manipulate him (OMG)- and is pissy cause he wants to leave his wife (grass is greener/NOT) and she doesn't deserve half...........

 

All I can say is Jerk!

 

Now if he was unhappy and said..... "her hun..... here is half, I will help to take care of the kids, I want to divorce you"....... I have no issue with this.

 

BTW his wife probably missed out on quite a bit of her youth too.

[JamesM]

Yet it is ironic that if this guy had an affair because of his lack of love, then we would all protest and say..."If you had only told her and divorced her before having the affair..."

 

Here a guy does exactly that, and he is called a jerk.

 

So, three options are available to a man:

 

1) Have an affair...jerk

 

2) Divorce his wife....jerk.

 

3) Live with his unsatisfactory marriage....honorable?

 

As my son would say, whatever.

[a4a]

Yet it is ironic that if this guy had an affair because of his lack of love, then we would all protest and say..."If you had only told her and divorced her before having the affair..."

 

Here a guy does exactly that, and he is called a jerk.

 

So, three options are available to a man:

 

1) Have an affair...jerk

 

2) Divorce his wife....jerk.

 

3) Live with his unsatisfactory marriage....honorable?

 

As my son would say, whatever.

 

I do not believe their is any honor is staying in a crappy marriage. I don't have the "belief" to think that one must because it is a "holy issue".

 

But if the OP's statements here reflect any light on his daily living with his spouse..... Jerk..... no wonder things are in the crapper.

 

But having his wife sign off on assets because he has a "mid life crisis hair up his butt"....... jerk.

 

I vote he does get divorced.... the sooner the better.

 

If your in a sexless marriage...... grounds for divorce..... if you are in a emotionally or physically abusive marriage..... divorce please...... if you are miserable and just not happy..... divorce - but do it fairly.

 

This is not a male female thing.... but if you dump someone don't be an ass about it if it truly isn't deserved.

[carhill]

OP, if you're serious, see a marital mediator (for the assets stuff) and a MC for counseling. Neutral third parties who are professionals at what they do can assist in your decision process. I'd still get legal advice, but a good mediator can obviate much of that.

 

Keep us posted!

[Siciliana]

 

I think you women take it as a personal attack......"How dare he not love his wife and think of walking away"......

 

Funny... I don't remeber saying that.

I think I said more of long the lines "How dare you not want to share with her what she helped you earn?"

 

He should do her the favor of walking away. She deserves better.

[Siciliana]

Yet it is ironic that if this guy had an affair because of his lack of love, then we would all protest and say..."If you had only told her and divorced her before having the affair..."

 

Here a guy does exactly that, and he is called a jerk.

 

So, three options are available to a man:

 

1) Have an affair...jerk

 

2) Divorce his wife....jerk.

 

3) Live with his unsatisfactory marriage....honorable?

 

As my son would say, whatever.

 

I don't think anyone said that if he divorced her he would be a jerk. Its more about how he doesn't want to share. It's not what you say...it's how you say it. And, he completely lacks any cooth in discussing his situation and his wife.

[Simplycaroline]

Funny... I don't remeber saying that.

I think I said more of long the lines "How dare you not want to share with her what she helped you earn?"

 

He should do her the favor of walking away. She deserves better.

 

Thank you very much. I can certainly understand why some people find themselves being left with this attitude.