Am I a Door Mat? or just paranoid?

[ath1973]

I've been with my wife for just over 19 years, she is a couple of years older than me. We met when I was in the Army and came home on leave to my local town. I left the Army after 2 years of knowing each other and we set up home together.

 

Everything was great, we were really compatible, and we had sex about 4 times a week, we went out together for meals etc and basically neither of us wanted for anything else.

 

We had a baby after 5 years, and understandably she didn't want sex, as a gentleman, i've never pushed for it, I just went along. It was about 5 months after the baby that we started again. I have always worked full time, and apart from 1 year, she has never worked, she stayed at home to be a housewife. We didn't go out much together only on special occasions, which I would say is normal for new parents.

 

7 years ago my mum died and as she was only 54 it really cut me up. My mum was someone who i was very close with and it did destroy me. But as time went on I built myself back up and got on with things.

 

I know sex can die off for some people when in a long term relationship, but we were only having intermate times once a month, and then i would have to make sure our child was out at a family members house as she said it felt wrong to have sex with our child in the house.

 

about 5 years ago she had a miscarriage, we hadn't had proper sex for about 2 months, I was more worried about her feelings at the time and believe it or not it didn't even cross me that it might not be mine. Which I do more now than ever before.

 

Even though she is all day, our son is at school full time as he is now a teenager she never does any housework. Its all left to me when I get home from work. She has met a friend who is always out at nightclubs or parties and even though my wife doesn't go out every weekend she does go to nightclubs about 2 or 3 times a month. At first this never bothered me, I didn't mind the housework or even the fact that I do all the cooking, it didn't bother me that she wanted to go out. I only ever used to ask what time she would be home etc.

 

Things started to go down hill from here, she started to go out every Saturday night and sometimes she would come home at 9am the next morning. When I questioned her, she told me she had been to a party and stayed at her girl friends house.

 

Sex was then happening once every 6 months, I mean, it's difficult to wait so long, I feel my needs are overlooked. Now before we have sex she wants to watch porn, she tells me it's her only way to get turned on.

 

My son gets home from school now and she isn't there, sometimes she doesn't come home until midnight, this time instead of questioning her, I bought a great little device off ebay that is a GPS tracking device. I hid it in her car and after a couple of days I took it out hooked it up to the PC and found a house that she is going to.

 

then one evening when she was out, I went to the house and her car was there. I texted her saying I had hurt myself asking her to come home. She came out of the house saw my car and ran back in.

 

instead of losing control, I just went home and packed her clothes up. She came home asking what the hell I was doing. I asked her if she was having an affair, she said no, when I asked whose house it was, she just told me a friends, so, I asked male or female, she said female. Despite being upset i just let it go, i love her like crazy and I didn't want to believe that she could be with someone else.

 

recently when coming home from work i will travel past the house and find her car there, if I quiz her she simply tells me that I don't own her and I should let her 'breathe'.

 

She still doesn't do house work, she still goes out and doesn't come home until the next day and she is never there for our son when he comes home from school.

 

about 2 weeks ago I found her mobile phone on the bathroom floor, she had left it there by mistake. I know I shouldn't have looked but I couldn't help myself, so I looked at her text messages, I found 2 both without any names but saying that they loved her and couldn't wait for a proper life together.

 

I confronted her straight away, more out of anger. She told me that it was her friend messing about and that they were a joke. I asked her to leave and for the day she did, but she again returned at night.

 

I'm I totally paranoid, i don't understand that if she has someone else, why doesn't she just leave me? If we have nothing in common anymore why would she stay.

 

Any help would be appreciated before I go insane...

[lkjh]

Sounds like she has someone else but if I was you I would play it cool and collect evidence. Then when you have all of the evidence kick her out.

[westrock]

about 2 weeks ago I found her mobile phone on the bathroom floor, she had left it there by mistake. I know I shouldn't have looked but I couldn't help myself, so I looked at her text messages, I found 2 both without any names but saying that they loved her and couldn't wait for a proper life together.

 

I confronted her straight away, more out of anger. She told me that it was her friend messing about and that they were a joke. I asked her to leave and for the day she did, but she again returned at night.

 

 

Ath,

 

Where there is smoke there is fire. Those two text messages have set off the fire alarms. She thinks she has you fooled, but don't accept her behavior.

 

You need to come straight out to your wife and tell her that you are not happy and that you want to have a talk. No more avoiding this issue. Even if it is all innocent what she is doing, the bottom line is that it is making you uncomfortable and that needs to be addressed. Marriage is built on open communication and as soon as that goes, the marriage is in trouble.

 

If she continues to deny everything, insist on marriage counselling. If she refuses, you tell her you are going by yourself whether she is coming or not.

 

Best of luck.

[Lucky_One]

"i don't understand that if she has someone else, why doesn't she just leave me? If we have nothing in common anymore why would she stay."

 

She has all the benefits with none of the work. You give her absolute freedom, and all her bills are paid, and I suspect she also has money to spend on herself (clothes, shoes, drinking, restaurants). You pay for all of it, and she has no responsibilities.

 

She can come and go as she pleases from her lover's house with no problems or questions. She doesn't live there, so she has no responsibilities there, either, like cleaning or grocery shopping or bill paying; her lover does all of that.

 

So basically, she has it made on all aspects.

 

You are the one fly in the ointment with following her. You are making her life more difficult now.

 

Personally, I would make her life far more difficult now, and tell her to leave. She hasn't filled any of your needs for years, and you need to put your foot down. You certainly aren't paranoid - the evidence is staring you in the face. You are behaving a bit like a doormat, though, and that will harm you the longer you allow that to happen.

 

Good luck!

[Geishawhelk]

This thing's over.

It was over a long time ago.

It's staring at you right in the face, but you're just not accepting it.

There IS someone else, she IS lying to you, and she isn't going to come back.

 

Your son must have noticed what fun it is being at home, and if I know teenagers, he's more than aware that you two aren't hitting it off. I don't know how close you are to him, or how close he is to his mum. That's not a leading comment, I don't need to know.....

This is just my take on it, but I would say two things to him:

One, you are not trying to colour his opinion, and you don't want him to change his views of his mother, but

Two, things are not great between you and you suspect she may have a boyfriend.

 

Then tell her that she has a choice.

Stay where she is, and make a go of things, or move out.

 

And stick by it.

 

It's going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but whilst she's got a foot in both camps, she can't be relied upon to make a decision.

The hard stuff will be up to you.

The hardest part will be taking the first step.

[Treasa]

Document everything you've found, change the locks, seek a divorce, and go for full custody. This woman sounds like a selfish b*tch.

[ath1973]

Thanks for all the advise, I agree with, well basically all of it.

 

Yes I do pay for everything, I even bought her a new car 8 months ago. We always agreed that she should have her own money when our son was born, for the things she would need. It was at first for baby things, but I have always bought them and I have always let her keep the money for things she wants.

 

I've always bottled up my problems and tried to sort them out myself. But recently I felt as if my head would explode. So I have talked to my Father about it, he is pleading with me to seek legal advise first, with the situation of money, our home and our son.

 

My relationship with my son is excellent, it always has been. We are more like best mates. The sad thing is, he also gets into arguments with his mum, and he is always telling me we'd be better off if she left. The problem is the old stigma that most men don't get custody of children and I'm frightened for him if he ended up with his mum.

 

I think this weekend I've got a lot to think about, I know that if I don't sort it one way or the other, we'll all be very unhappy.

 

I also appreciate what is being said, and until I can believe it could be true things will continue as they are. It is the hardest thing to admit to one of your own fears.

 

Thanks again for all the support.

[Bryanp]

I would seek out an attorney immediately. You would have to be in complete denial not to believe that she is having an affair. She has completely humiliated and disrespected you. She absolutely believes that you are a complete idiot and actually believes her stories. Again it is clear that she has no respect for you and your relationship whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

By the way you catch her at that house and she comes out and sees your car and runs back into the house? Your response is to go home? She tells you it is a girlfriend and you believe this? She goes out to clubs and comes back the next morning and you believe her stories? Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is going on? Stop being in denial and see an attorney to understand your options. I wish you luck.

[Geishawhelk]

Ath, I don't know where you live, but if your son is a teenager, the chances are he will get a say in where he goes and who he lives with.

It's no longer a question of 'the child stays with the mother' and although courts are not judgemental about adultery in the sense of division of goods and chattels, they will look at suitability and behaviour when it comes to the children.

And let's face it, he's on your side......

 

Take your dad's advice too.

Sounds like you have good support there.

 

And here.

[sweet&simple]

Well, why would she leave? She doesn't have to have a job, you do all of the housework, she has access to money and can do whatever she wants without consequence.. I'd say it has less to do with "oh if she didn't love me, she'd leave," and more to do with, "oh she loves herself/is selfish and can get and do whatever she wants if she stays."

 

It's pretty obvious there's something going on.. chances of it being another man are high. Even if there wasn't someone else involved-- acting like that, being out at all hours, not even coming home, not being there for your child etc.. is reason enough to leave her. She's an adult, not a teenager going out to party every night with no responsibility. She has a husband and a child.

 

Definitely seek legal advice.. they may want you to collect more information, have solid proof of her being out, where she's been, etc for a custody hearing.. but I doubt, given the information, that a judge would see her as a fit mother able to provide a stable environment for a child.

[Treasa]

Ath, I don't know where you live, but if your son is a teenager, the chances are he will get a say in where he goes and who he lives with.

 

That's exactly what I was going to say. When I was 12 I got to tell the courts that I only wanted to live with my mom and didn't want to see my father at all. There was nothing else he could do at that point.

[sandrawg]

My heart really goes out to you.

 

I was played as a fool by my exbf who was also verbally abusive and had anger issues. He developed a flirtation-maybe more-with this girl at a cafe where he hung out, and made up the most outrageous lies to me about her to keep me on the hook.

 

This experience has messed me up for future relationships, I feel. I go into a new rel'ship NOT trusting, NOT giving the benefit of the doubt, because he SO played me for a fool.

 

Please get out before your self esteem plummets and your ability to trust goes out the window. You might want to seek therapy after you get rid of this selfish, cheating, lying, evil wife.

[Sup]

Thanks for all the advise, I agree with, well basically all of it.

 

Yes I do pay for everything, I even bought her a new car 8 months ago. We always agreed that she should have her own money when our son was born, for the things she would need. It was at first for baby things, but I have always bought them and I have always let her keep the money for things she wants.

 

I've always bottled up my problems and tried to sort them out myself. But recently I felt as if my head would explode. So I have talked to my Father about it, he is pleading with me to seek legal advise first, with the situation of money, our home and our son.

 

My relationship with my son is excellent, it always has been. We are more like best mates. The sad thing is, he also gets into arguments with his mum, and he is always telling me we'd be better off if she left. The problem is the old stigma that most men don't get custody of children and I'm frightened for him if he ended up with his mum.

 

I think this weekend I've got a lot to think about, I know that if I don't sort it one way or the other, we'll all be very unhappy.

 

I also appreciate what is being said, and until I can believe it could be true things will continue as they are. It is the hardest thing to admit to one of your own fears.

 

Thanks again for all the support.

 

 

Listen to your Father on getting a Lawyer! Only 10% out of 90% of all men go for custody, but, of those 10% that do go for custody, 90% get it! If your son is a teenager, the court may or may not let your son choose where he wants to live, but, that depends on the state in which you live in. Some states are more crooked than others!

 

It is apparent that your wife is screwing around on you! It could be another man, however, I've seen cases that it was another woman! So much for friends!