letterl Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 Ok I'm new here. very confused. Here goes I met a guy last year and he was about 8 months on from a very painful break up. In fact he introduced me to this site when we met. I was trying to break away from a man, my now ex and had been trying for 4 years. i have a 3 year old daughter with him. I was finding this extremely painful and the relationship was domestically violent which made it harder for me to do so. He offered to help me-to 'counsel me' although we did meet on a dating site so he made it clear he fancied me too. So i said no but in the end was so desperate to talk to someone (and we did get on v well when we met) I said yes. We became friends. i tried once more to make it work with daughters dad in feb-lasted a montha nd this friend was there for me. We are now good friends-in fact he is my best friend. We spent the summer together lots and he is great with my 3 year old. He gave himself up to his previous relationship-really loved her and got hurt-lost a lot cos he gave a lot:mad: He is now rebuilding his hobbies, life and although he wants me in his life as his girlfriend we are not intimate, no sex and tbh my little girl is with us most of the time because i am having access problems with her dad at the mo. He says that he can't give himself in that way right now:confused: that this with d's dad is still going on. that he isn't ready for anything that 'intense' or 'heavy'. We are exclusive but not intimate and he is witholding that. He has explained why but i feel cheated a bit. that it took me 10 months to fall for him and now i have i feel insecure. He tells me he loves me (occasionally), is good to my daughter and me but there is no romance. He says that while this is going on with my ex he can't do that. We have talked about it but the more we do the more he backs off. I am very confused. I am not being bigheaded but i have never had a man not want to sleep with me/get intimate no matter how 'afraid' they may be. He is in his early forties me mid 30's. Does anyone have any advice/thoughts/experience of this? I don't want to push him or me for that matter as i have loads on my plate. He says sex will make us more intimate and that will create issues in it's own right. Do you think he is having his cake and eating it? I also notice he is desperate to retain independence, not give too much emotionally. It feels painful to watch someone trying to protect themselves so damn hard. maybe i am in the wrong and should take a leaf out of his book. God knows i've been hurt so badly. maybe he is the wise one in all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author letterl Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 Just a bit more on this one (no wonder I am confused!) I feel like i am holding back with him. I am quite an affectionate, expressive, touchy-feely person. Doesn't help that daughetr there most of the time but feel i am suppressing a really big part of me. He got cross cos i danced with a guy the other night and then said that is what he could give wasn't enough then not to wait for him. i suppose i miss intimacy and would love it with this guy Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 It's flogging an old one, but I think you both need counselling. Maybe together, but also apart. I think you both have very strong recent issues that are 'conspiring' against you to put the brake on for both of you. You're both wanting, but hesitating. So I believe counselling would help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author letterl Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 Thank you for replying. He has had loads of counselling-even did a counselling course! And then i was his guinea pig (SP?) I am waiting for mine through the local womens centre. He introduced me to a guy he had the counselling with and I am thinking of going and seeing him. Just seems that if we can't get it togther now? Maybe he's just not 'that into me?' Would hate that and have asked him but he denies it flat but says that an intense relationship would be too much and then says 'because of the pressure you are under right now)' and because he wants to feel ready basically his ex was married and he always felt like 'the other man' cos even after 2 years she wouldn't divorce her husband:mad: He is worried the same will happen here with me i think but I have never known a man hold out sexually when they really like a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author letterl Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 Getting this off my chest a bit too so sorry for going on:rolleyes: He is a year and 5 months over his past relationship now. I have only been out of mine since april (cos i went backwards again) he kept getting calls on his mobile from ex's std code a few weeks ago, told me and said he was not going to answer cos had moved on with me and was over that. But if he won't/can't make love to me does that mean he is still in love with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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