He has a girlfriend, is he fair game?

[Lee]

I have it bad for a guy I met a few weeks ago. We've been exchanging email ever since. Problem is, he has a girlfriend. I don't know anything about her except that they're not living together.

 

Would it be totally evil for me to get to know this guy, even flirt with him and let him know I'm interested? Can I just put the ball in his court and see what he does? If he's committed to his girlfriend, he can always just say "no", right? Or is that the same as messing with someone's marriage? I just need to air out this issue and see if there's anything I haven't considered. Thanks.

[Tony T]

Superb question.

 

First, what comes around, goes around. If you go after this guy while he is seeing someone you can pretty well bet that if you get him, another girl will go after him and get him from you at some point.

 

Second, why would you want to be a rebound for this guy? Anybody that comes out of one relationship and can go into another one instantly has little or no depth of feelings. Is this the kind of guy you want?

 

Third, if you will adopt a code of ethics that dictates that you treat others as you want to be treated, almost instantly a truly great, unattached guy will spring into your life and you will be happy ever after.

 

Fourth, if you are able to wrest this guy away from his current girlfriend with a little flirting, don't you think he would be susceptible to the efforts of other women who may want to be his girlfriend.

 

You will never win friends by going after other ladies' boyfriends. And you will earn hurt many people and earn charma you won't get rid of for years.

 

But, if you must, try it and see how much of a losing proposition it is.

[understand]

A man that will cheat with you will cheat on you.

 

Great words of advice from "The View's" Star Jones. Take it.

 

I agree w/ Tony. Besides, that's just horrible of you. Think of how that other girl is going to feel. Even the thought of flirting w/ him makes me want to vomit. I understand sometimes it's tempting, but respecting other people and their feelings is what's really important. The tables will be turned around on you someday if you do this.

[Bliss]

I agree. My (now ex-)boyfriend used to tell me how (several times) women would hit on him, even knowing that he had a girlfriend (ie me). It would make me sick, and I thought "this is not the kind of woman I would want to be". I thought, how desperate are these women that they need to go after guys who are already taken. Keep your ethics, if you want to attract a guy with ethics. A little self control goes a long way int the pursuit of happiness, I believe.

[moonlight]

First of all if he is willing to cheat on his current girlfriend, what makes you so special that he wont cheat on you? Think about things before you do anything stupid. It is girls who actually go after the man with a girlfriend that makes many woman not trust men or woman. Don't be Stupid

[Lee]

Hold on. Who said anything about cheating? I'm not trying to get this guy into bed. I have feelings for this person. This is not something I have ever done before, and I haven't said I am going to do it. I asked for advice because this issue goes deeper than perhaps people understand. Let me play devil's advocate…

 

Point one: I wouldn't want him to leave her if he didn't have deep feelings for me. I don't settle, and I don't sleep with people who are involved. But I'm available, and I like him. I can't help that. But if he returns my feelings, according to the messages people have left, that means that A) he's cheating, and B) he would do it to me someday. By this reasoning A) falling in love with someone else while you have a girl/boyfriend is cheating, even if you never touch the other person, and B) once you're seeing someone, it's impossible or illegal to develop deep feelings for someone else?

 

Ridiculous! Might as well get married after seeing someone for a month. Why do people bother breaking up at all, if not to find someone new? But aren't you guys saying finding someone new is not allowed? Or you're only allowed to find someone new AFTER you've broken up? But then no one would ever break up, as long as their partner's not psycho.

 

Point two: Tony said something like, if you stick to your morals, some great, fabulous guy will fall into your lap as some kind of karmic reward. I believe he said "instantly" or "immediately." Sorry, that's naive. If that were true I'd be living "happily ever after" (his words) right now, and all this would be moot.

 

Point three: I have feelings for this person, and we are becoming closer friends even now. And we have mutual friends. What am I supposed to do? If I suddenly disappear, he's not likely to just throw up his hands and forget it. He'd want to know what's going on. Then I'd have to tell him everything, which I'm not ready to do.

 

Point four: Everyone knows how hard it is to find someone you connect with. You can't just sweep feelings under the rug. It's not realistic. It makes you unhappy. If he said "no," that's fine, I would deal with it. But you're saying I'm not even allowed to ask. We don't drop our partners to whom we are committed just because someone else flirts with us. We just say "no, not interested" or we say to ourselves "Wait a minute, AM I interested?" We ARE allowed to re-evaluate our relationships, aren't we? I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about deep feelings.

[Tony T]

You just met this guy a few weeks ago, you knew he had a girl friend, you allowed yourself to develop strong feelings for him, and on the World Wide Web you make a compelling argument why you should go for him.

 

I don't think anyone can talk you out of going after this guy. If he chooses, he can bust up with his girlfriend and start seeing you. Go for it. I wish I had ladies after me with such fervor and passion!!!

 

I stick with my earlier advice but for the sake of research I urge you to report back to us and let us know how it worked out for you.

 

For me, it is frightening that there is such reduced sensitivity to the sanctity of other people's relationships. I'm not necessarily talking about you. Many people seem to want what they want no matter what the circumstances or ownership. It is a new part of our culture that somehow slipped through my learning curve. If it feels good, go for it no matter what. HHHMMMM.

 

For me personally, I will always hold a great deal of respect for other people's relationships. As much as I am attracted to a woman, if she is with someone else she's off limits. (Respect...is that still in the dictionary?)

 

Wishing everybody in this scenario the best of luck and happiness, I remain,

 

Sincerely,

 

Tony

[Lee]

You just met this guy a few weeks ago, you

knew he had a girl friend,

Nope. Didn't know. It happened in this sequence. Met him. Was attracted. Emailed him. THEN learned from a friend he had a girlfriend. He emailed me. I thought that was it, didn't write back. He wrote me back a week later, asked why I didn't reply. Now we correspond and talk on phone. He has asked me out for coffee, but I couldn't go. May see each other this weekend with mutual friends. That is where things stand.

you allowed yourself to develop strong feelings for him.

Sure. I ALLOWED myself to fall in love. Why don't I just ALLOW myself to fall out of love? Problem solved. Naive, naive Tony. lol

I don't think anyone can talk you out of going after this guy.

I wanted to see if anyone would take my problem seriously. I wasn't happy with the knee-jerk reactions I was getting. I have no intention of "going after" this guy. The ball would have to be in his court; he's the one with the girlfriend. Maybe I'll try not to see him very often.

[understand]

Sorry, but even though Tony's "allowed" wasn't exactly the best way to describe falling in love YOU DO HAVE CONTROL OVER YOUR EMOTIONS. You CHOOSE to feel every way you do feel. It is a CHOICE. Love is a CHOICE. That's the bottom line. Since you have made a conscious choice to love this guy, or at least like him, you are now faced w/ another choice--to make a move or not. I do agree w/ your first response to Tony in that it would be silly to not re-evaluate relationships once in a while. This is an awkward situation. I think most people that are responding to you are probably in relationships and are looking at it from that standpoint and not your's. Why don't you just be his friend and not say a word about your feelings. As difficult as it may be to hold it in I really think it's the right thing to do. Key words are "I really think"--just an opinion. If he feels for you let him make the move, because as you said "the ball is in his court". So, play the game.

[Moonlight]

Lee it sounds to me that you have already started having feeling for this man. Dispite all the advice everyone has given to you on this site about staying away from him. You are still planning to meet with another girls boyfriend and try and build a relationship with him. Why did you bother to come to this site if you were just going to defend your actions (becasue they are wrong). Did you just want to shout it off a cliff that someone is showing you attention?

 

Point one, two, A, B, C WHATEVER! The only rule in your situation is What goes around comes around and I hope someday someone tries to become "friends" with your boyfriend. After you get together who will be his next email love? Do you no what it like to be the woman waiting at home? If you did you wouldn't be doing this to someone.

 

Don't do it you are forcing yourself to have feeling for this man because don't have anyone else and you are lonely.

 

FIND YOUR OWN MAN