In love with my coworker

[AverageMan]

I don't know why I'm writing about my situation here. I think it's because I'm feeling so alone without anybody who can really understand the pain and stress I'm going thru. I can talk to about two friends about this but it's so personal I feel I can't even expose this to them. I'm a very sensitive guy and I'm afraid they would judge me or just plain don't understand.

 

To put it simply : I'm in love with my coworker. I'm in my mid-thirties and I've never been in love before. I thought at some point I was in my late teens but this is just without comparison. All my life I've been waiting for such an emotion to overpower me and it finally did. Don't get we wrong. I'm (still) not completely gaga. I have to try to keep my sanity cause if I let go, I'll go nuts.

 

She's the one I've been waiting for all my life. She has that amazing ability to uplift my spirits just by being around me. Nobody has ever had that effect on me. I still can't believe how good I feel everyday just by seeing her. Her beauty is natural and just stunning. I would even say breathtaking (though I guess I'm not too objective here...) We laugh, have lunch, take breaks together. We are almost constantly together the whole working day. We have intense discussions about everything (and I mean everything). We never feel uncomfortable around each other. The entire time I'm at work is a blast. I can't remember ever being so at ease with anybody.

 

I've had a few girlfriends in my life. None at the current time. Love was never a factor with any of them. Basic sexual needs were being satisfied on both sides. We were pretending for the gallery. After a few years, we moved on. This happened about 4 times.

 

On her part, she's currenlty between boyfriends. She has kids and it makes it tougher to find a guy willing to make a commitment. Her last boyfriend was a ahole (though again... can I be objective ??) and it ended some months ago.

 

Problem is she made it clear a few months ago she didn't want to date me. She needed to make her point in a subtle way not to hurt my feelings but I understood I just wasn't her type. I'm just a very average guy anyway you slice it and she obviously wants the upper echelon guys. So she started to flirt with a couple of guys at work. Big strong good looking guys. You can imagine it just thrilled me to see this... But we're such good friends, she's even telling me about details I wouldn't want to know about all this. And it obviously hurts like hell.

 

So that's where I stand now. Is there a worse situation than this ? Seeing your love being snatched away by some guy who, more than likely, doesn't deserve such a gem but will get it cause "he's so cute ?"

 

Anyway. Just to write about it feels good. I feel less alone. Hope your love life is better than mine.

[Curt]

Sheesh...

 

So there is another guy in the same kind of predicament as I am.

 

My advice, and you may take it or leave it, is to not be close friends as before, just be work friends (friendly chat about work, say hello, friendly banter, nothing personal).

 

Get over her. She doesn't want you. She's lookin' for the hotties...the handsome guys usually snag the ladies - a**h***s or not, they generally have the pick of mates. 'Tis just the way things appear to be, and I'm pretty sure it isn't going to change soon.

 

You may be wondering to yourself...how can he say that, making such sweeping, generalized judgements like those?

 

Well, averageman, I've been there, done that, and gotten the T-shirt. "Having a friend you want to love" situations suck majorly !

 

Save yourself, and move on without delay.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world finding new love.

 

Curt

[Clancy]

Your story reminds me of the old Gene Pitney song, "It hurts to be in Love" (She thinks I'm just a friend/Though it hurts I must pretend/The only way to keep her/ Is keep it to myself.)

 

You're not asking for advice here but I'm going to give it to you anyway. How healthy is this relationship for you? It sounds to me like you need to get yourself away from this lovely. captivating and charming creature as best you can.

 

Two things: One, you are just hurting yourself by trying to hold on to your friendship with her and if she's not interested in you as a lover, are you fulfilled through friendship with her.?

 

Two, by hardening yourself and pulling away from her you may just cause her to look at you in a new way. Maybe you are so there for her the way things are that she doesn't see you as a potential lover. It might be time to change that. Good luck.

[AverageMan]

Thank you very much for answering Curt and Clancy. It gives me another point of view on the situation. I'm so much into this I can't see too clearly.

 

I've been telling myself to forget it many times. To let go. Geez, if I could turn a switch off, I'd do it in a minute. But I just can't seem to be able to do anything about it. I know I'll get hurt big time with this but it's overpowering. Once, in an episode of Friends, a former girlfriend of Chandler tells him : "Now I know what Lionel Richie was singing about. You're my soulmate." I feel like that right now. Geez! I must look pathetic.

 

Thanks Curt for that line about a**h***s. Made me laugh quite a lot. Her last bf was treating her like s... and, just because he was so cute, he could live off her for over two years before he left. He couldn't get anything from her anymore. A regular guy who would respect her though doesn't even get a second look. Too boring I guess.

 

Anyway. Life goes on.