I can't win :[

[Krajt]

My girlfriend has always asked me to be open and honest with her and I do have trouble being open and honest with people. I tend to bottle things up and she said "if I was ever upset, or unsure, she would be there for me etc". I said the same too her. So yesterday, I asked her, if she felt she needed space, because I text her a few times a day and she did mention something about space that sounded like a hint. (though she gets plenty with the relationship being LDR). She texts back and says, this has to stop..yeah we have had a few arguments recently. So, I apologised and said I wouldn't bring anything up like that again and she said seemed happier for it. So, now if I have any problems with the relationship, I'm not going to speak to her about them, in fact, I'm not even going to tell her how I feel about her etc. It will be up to her to decipher through my actions to find how I feel.

 

I hate that, women always say that men aren't open and honest enough and it seems like when men start showing openness and honesty, we are told to shut up and get on with things. SO, I'm just going back to how I was before, a fun boyfriend who doesn't reveal things and I'll let her moan at me again, for not knowing where she stands with me.

[ed-205]

To avoid the "You never talk to me about how you feel!" mind game, make sure you have something good/nice to tell her from time to time. Save the angry/hurt stuff for your Buds!

[Krajt]

Oncea month, I'll just pass a compliment on how she is dressed and that's that. I bet she'll soon change her mind (again). I bottle things up, I always have done and she is the first girl that I am comfortable with, ergo being open and honest is easier, but I shall just bottle up again and if she can't deal with that, that's her problem, not mine. I'm trying to be the best boyfriend I can be, so I like to ask her about things, so I can get a better of understanding of what she like and dislikes in a relationship. Maybe, I am a try-hard or trying too hard, ergo taking the enjoyment out of the relationship. Either way, it stops now, and I go back to how I was before I started to fall for her and open up to her. Oh and there is no way, I'm talking to my mates about my relationship. They offer the worst advice known to man.

[Ocean-Blue]

Being passive isn't going to help you. It's never a good idea to bottle things up - you're just asking for trouble.

 

Obviously, you don't have to tell her EVERYTHING, but you should feel comfortable enough to share with her.

 

Just b/c she reacted to what you said doesn't mean you should stop expressing your feelings - are you THAT conflict averse? Sometimes two people need to exchange more than texts or a few sentences to really talk.

 

Don't be such a scardy cat, Krajt.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry, I know it sounds ridiculously obvious but - why don't you say this to her - ?! If she'd like you to be open, honest and up-front with her, then tell her what you're thinking; that you're confused.

 

I can equate. I had a good friend who would ask her h. to be open honest sincere...but it seemed he had to do that on her terms...

See...women are funny like that sometimes. It's the hormones, you know... we're such an emotional bunch, and it seems we ride a rollercoaster. We say one thing, but then expect you to know the timing, place and language terminology we ALSO want you to use.

 

I think you should tell her you don't quite know where you stand.... ask her to be a bit more frank about what she wants. This is hard enough for you as it is, without also feeling you have to negotiate her emotional minefield.

 

What does she want, exactly........?

[Woggle]

You can't win and you never will so why are you with her?

[Krajt]

Being passive isn't going to help you. It's never a good idea to bottle things up - you're just asking for trouble.

 

Obviously, you don't have to tell her EVERYTHING, but you should feel comfortable enough to share with her.

 

Just b/c she reacted to what you said doesn't mean you should stop expressing your feelings - are you THAT conflict averse? Sometimes two people need to exchange more than texts or a few sentences to really talk.

 

Don't be such a scardy cat, Krajt.

 

I don't like conflict no, because my less than pleasant side can surface and I don't like it one bit.

 

I phone her every few days and I'll be seeing her once every two weeks, I'll get on the train and go and see her and she will come back down to see me. You should be able to relate to me, because you are in a LDR too.

 

I'm sorry, I know it sounds ridiculously obvious but - why don't you say this to her - ?! If she'd like you to be open, honest and up-front with her, then tell her what you're thinking; that you're confused.

 

I can equate. I had a good friend who would ask her h. to be open honest sincere...but it seemed he had to do that on her terms...

See...women are funny like that sometimes. It's the hormones, you know... we're such an emotional bunch, and it seems we ride a rollercoaster. We say one thing, but then expect you to know the timing, place and language terminology we ALSO want you to use.

 

I think you should tell her you don't quite know where you stand.... ask her to be a bit more frank about what she wants. This is hard enough for you as it is, without also feeling you have to negotiate her emotional minefield.

 

What does she want, exactly........?

 

We've had three arguments in the space of 10 days, we're getting along nicely now and she is always saying how she is stressed and how Uni is a life changing experience, that I really do not want to add anymore pressure or stress onto her. I also don't want to come across as a needy, clingy, insecure man. That's not who I am and that's not how I want to be seen. I've gotten this far in life keeping things to myself, I don't see why I should change now.

 

My initial point is that women want men to be open and honest with them, but on their terms and only want to her what they would like to her. It beats the objective of being open and honest, ergo why bother? She also says that I repeat myself, but I guarantee, if I don't tell her I miss her, if I don't tell her how I feel she will say "I'm being distant with her, or cold", so whatever I do, I just can't win!

[Ocean-Blue]

I agree that some women (myself included) pick and choose as far as honesty is concerned.

 

I want my bf to be fully honest and communicate everything he wants to. However, when he says something I don't like, it irks me to the point of insecurity.

 

However, this is something I'm trying to work on (I honestly think I've improved).

 

You need to be able to ask her about the R without her shutting you up (or you closing up).

 

I understand that you don't want to come across as Mr. Needy...but really, with an LDR, communication is ALL you have (although you two have the chance to see each other every few weeks).

 

If she means something to you, you'll find a way to talk to her and set things straight.

[Krajt]

You can't win and you never will so why are you with her?

 

By your definition why is any man with a woman? Why don't we all stay single?

 

OB, I will talk to her about it, just not yet! She has a lot on her plate and I don't want to add to it. But I will swallow my pride and stop being awkward and I will talk to her. I just won't be as forthcoming with how I feel in the future.

[Woggle]

By your definition why is any man with a woman? Why don't we all stay single?

 

OB, I will talk to her about it, just not yet! She has a lot on her plate and I don't want to add to it. But I will swallow my pride and stop being awkward and I will talk to her. I just won't be as forthcoming with how I feel in the future.

 

There are women who aren't endless drama and it might be a good idea to look into finding one.

[Krajt]

There are women who aren't endless drama and it might be a good idea to look into finding one.

 

It hasn't been endless drama though. It's been a rough two weeks, but the prior time we spent together was amazing and without sounding corny, she is the first girl I've ever felt a real connection with and the first girl I have had chemistry with and she ticks all the right boxes in terms of what I am looking for in a partner and I am not going to let a few disagreements ruin what has been a wonderful relationship so far. All relationships go through hard times and it's just about taking the rough with the smooth.

[Woggle]

I would let it ride out for a while but if this becomes a pattern you should take a 2nd look at your relationship.

[Krajt]

I would let it ride out for a while but if this becomes a pattern you should take a 2nd look at your relationship.

 

Oh, don't worry, I'm not stupid. Of course if the situation is persistant than I will have to decide on what's best, but I don't feel that time is now. All couples go through rough patches and while it is easy to lose faith, mine for the time being is devout.

[preeya_WT]

Hey krajit, calm down buddy. m damn sure da while typin dis one down u wud have been very angry. lemme tel u one thing its not always da boyz who dont open completely to their better halves in my case its me who does so. But one thing is 4 sure it hurts them deeply. they dont deserve dat. like u sometimes wen i dont get a desired response from him i decide not to do dat again n da moment i tel him dis he is like da most understandin person, try dis one out instead of wat u've decided coz dat wud definitly bring distance between da two of u in da long run.

[GPFan]

Hi Krajt,

 

I think you have the right idea. Apparently she is experiencing a heightened level of personal stress and, you are correct, now is not the time to burden her with your stuff.

 

We have to sit back at times and consider the 'big picture' which is what you have done here. Allow her space to get through the latest set of stressors and settle into a new routine.

 

My only caveat is to not assume this is the way it should be for all times. Please don't feel you have to pull back forever. Pull back for now.

[Geishawhelk]

Hey krajit, calm down buddy. m damn sure da while typin dis one down u wud have been very angry. lemme tel u one thing its not always da boyz who dont open completely to their better halves in my case its me who does so. But one thing is 4 sure it hurts them deeply. they dont deserve dat. like u sometimes wen i dont get a desired response from him i decide not to do dat again n da moment i tel him dis he is like da most understandin person, try dis one out instead of wat u've decided coz dat wud definitly bring distance between da two of u in da long run.

 

Does anyone else feel like rapping this out loud.....?

[Krajt]

I got home from work yesterday evening, and after a shower and dinner I phoned her up to talk and I ended up doing the all the talking with her just doing the minimum to keep the conversation alive. She eventually decided that drying her hair was more important to her than talking to me, so she asked me to phone back which I did. When I phoned her back she was quieter and eventually I said to her that if she didn't feel like talking that she can go, and like a rocket she said "Yeah, I think I'll go" and I just hung up on her without saying bye.

 

She has changed since she went to Uni, she just seems like a different person towards me, I don't know what I haven't done, or have done wrong, but I really don't deserve this treatment. The entire relationship has gone from being wonderful to be deeply depressing for me in the space of just over two weeks. I understand that Uni is a big deal for her and I understand she is stressed, but even when I am feeling angry, hurt, tired or stressed I would never take it on anyone else.

 

I seem to be making a lot more effort with this LDR than she is and it is really disheartening when she throws it back in my face. She keeps apologising for being distant, she keeps saying we can work things out, but it seems to me like I am the only one making any effort. I don't know what I've done wrong? I'm trying to be the best boyfriend I can be to her, maybe I'm trying too hard and maybe I am a door mat or just plain boring, but if she has eyes for someone else or wants to end things, she should just be honest, that's the least I deserve.

 

It's going to cost me a huge percentage of my wage to visit her once every two weeks, she has made no plans to come back down and visit only in November when its her friends birthday party.

[Krajt]

The sad thing is, there was another girl who liked me and still does, and all she is always polite to me, she always ask how my life is and genuinely seems to care about me, but I felt nothing for her other than sexual attraction and there wasn't any chemistry between us, ergo I decided to treat with her respect and not pursue anything with her, not even a friendship.

 

I really want a heart to heart with my girlfriend to discuss things, but I'm just wondering how long this stress issue will remain as an excuse for her to justify her actions towards me? It's been 7 weeks since the relationship began and it's already at this level? Something tells me things just aren't right. Now either, I'm melodramatic and blowing things out of proportion, or I am just one of the whiney, immature guys, but I sense a real problem in our relationship and I might just have to take a second look at the relationship once I have visited her and then make a decision based on what I've observed for the past few weeks. I don't want a relationship full of drama, but it seems to me I attract girls who might be sugar and nice, but who like an added spice of drama and conflict and I just don't want that. I ask little from a woman, but maybe that where I am going wrong.