this is a long blog, but id appreciate any listeners &

[mojoB]

i was in a sexual relationship with someone for over a yr., we were just lovers...but given our chemistry, lack of communication, and i guess our ages had a lot to do with it as well... but of course feelings got involved. we just had this incredible, explosive sexual chemistry that was completely irresistable. so...well, i never really knew him, if you know what i mean... i mean i thought i did... but we only hung out with eachother when it was just us and obviously late night... and i was cool with that for a long time, i had my own life and my own friends and i didnt necessarily want to adopt his. but naturally, overtime that sort of changed for me, even though i knew from the beginning i did not want to be in a relationship w/ him bc has a lot of commitment issues, but naturally our feelings developed more & more while at the same time we were both just playing in denial, and were constantly pulling eachother in and pushing eachother away... id like to say i tried to be more upfront with my feelings than him, but i was just as guilty.. i played the game too.. it was ridiculous, i mean looking back on it now, i would totally change a lot of the ways i handled things.. but my feelings were just so invested in someone i knew i couldnt have, & i hate myself for it, so i just tried to play a hardass & shove the feelings away & pretend they didnt exist, but of course they did, & they would come out in explosions a lot bc i wasnt dealing with this toxic situation i was in.. well all of this continued for about a yr. lots of ups & downs.. and i moved away, across the country actually... but yet he & i still would maintain contact... and over a course of 6mo. he was much more vulnerable and open about his feelings... when i saw him for the 1st time in 6mo. when i went home to visit, he was like a completely different person... we had sex ( bc we had been talking for 6mo. about how we have been dying without being able to touch eachother) and while he was in the shower, his sock draw was open, and i saw a picture frame at the bottom of it and i pulled it out slightly and saw that it was a gift from this girl that once upon a time he had left with in front of me (that was during one of our down times when we were sort of "over" ha even though that never lasted) oh and he would hang out with her all the time, they had been friends for couple yrs., and apparently they were those 2 friends that all their other friends sort of make fun of cause they obviously totally wanna bang eachother, but they both just blow it off like naah were just friends... well when i had met her when i was out, back when i was first even introduced to her being in his life... like freaking 7months after he and i had met.... i had no clue at the time when i met her..... soo going back to the picture frame.... this was a freakin yr. later.... and i see its a pic frame of all these quotes and her pic in the bottom corner... so she obviously ya know made it for him.. and my heart just dropped... bc it was the first time i realized looking back at the girl i had met like a yr. ago that he had left with in front of me... im now seeing that she wasnt just some girl he slept with... this was a girl he actually had something with........... so to sum all of this novel i am writing up...to make a long long story a little bit shorter.... basically ever since i saw that picture, it instilled a terrible jealousy in me of her... i dont want to hate that girl though..... i dont even know her!!..... and he had obviously completely lied to me about her, but thing that was the most upsetting about it, was bc they obviously had what he and i had, except he actually hung out with her outside the bedroom, and they were like hangout buddies and he let her into his life... yet he would never let me in... thats why im jealous of her i guess... because she got a part of him that i didnt... well ive now grown up a bit & have come to realization that he just doesnt need to be in my life and just be cool about the whole thing & forgive him & just move on.. no grudges... soo why does she still bother me? how do you heal yourself from that kind of jealousy? like i said, i dont even know her... but when i see her face, it makes me sick... how do i heal myself?? help please.. thanks for listening to this ridiculous long story

[superd]

I am not a psychiatrist but it troubles me that you "blow up" sometimes and other times you get down. What I am saying is that those maybe a sign of other issues (if you know what I mean).

 

Also, I have never heard of anyone "heal" from their feelings of jealousy. It, I believe, is not something you heal from.

[mojoB]

well i didnt really mean... i explode, maybe i did not word that right... its just very hard for me to describe the situation to it's entirety... i just meant that i would get frustrated with the lack of communication that i would just get angry and shut him out again... so it was a lot of ups & downs in the sense that we would always end up reconnecting with eachother... it was like we could not let go of eachother, yet we couldnt be together, so it was just very unhealthy and i recognize that... and i dont know why you dont think you cant heal yourself from jealousy... it is a reaction to an underlying emotion... i just wanted some advice just bc its nice to hear from anyone that might understand... its a very painful situation, and unfortunately mine & his "relationship" (or whatever you want to call it) went on for way too long, and bc of its toxicity, it in turn created a lot of pain for me

[Ronni_W]

why you dont think you cant heal yourself from jealousy... its a very painful situation, ...its toxicity, it in turn created a lot of pain for me

Probably it's just terminology -- usually people will say that we need to "overcome" negative reactions like jealousy, anger, etc. It's the same thing -- either way, the goal is to eliminate ineffective and non-productive behaviour.

 

It's generally held that jealousy stems from low self-esteem ~~ lack of self-confidence, self-appreciation, self-admiration, etc. Because, once we can recognize our own 'good stuff', the need/tendency to feel threatened by other people's 'good stuff' kind of just disappears. Jealousy is one way that our insecurity (about our own worth and 'good stuff') comes through.

 

So the healing actually comes in through learning how to see ourselves in a positive light...with understanding, forgiveness, kindness, etc. Where we accept and love our strengths and talents...as well as our limitations and the areas we still need to improve.

 

We get to a place of seeing that each person has their own unique strengths and weaknesses, and we don't need to 'compete' -- we just need to reach our own full potential for our own good stuff, and let others (try to) live up to theirs.

 

Here is a link that may lead you to some interesting self-reflections: http://www.coping.org/relations/content.htm

 

At the bottom of the page, you can search the site (check the appropriate box) for specifics like 'jealousy' or 'insecurity' or whatever.

 

BTW, congrats on recognizing that you are creating a painful and toxic (relationship and inner) environment for yourself, that shows a lot of self-awareness on your part. Good luck with your healing...it sounds as if you are motivated and determined enough to be truly successful

[mojoB]

thanks for your advice, i appreciate it

[superd]

I am just wondering, I know that she said alot of horrible things about the relationship. I see alot of that on this site. My question is: is there a way to process all of this pain and find a way to rebuild this relationship or to ensure that you can somehow can keep him in your life as a friend until you find someone new. I know it soulds antiethical on the surface but you need the support, at least until a new man comes along. I had a girl do that with me and I knew she was doing it but I didn't care because I just wanted to see her get back on her feet, especially because I did some crappy things to hurt her. Somehow, maybe this guy will agree to it as well, as it will give or bring him good karma. Sometimes guys are cool like that.

[Ronni_W]

and find a way to rebuild this relationship ...you need the support, at least until a new man comes along.

I would not recommend that to the OP -- during times of grieving and healing, we owe it to ourselves to find POSITIVE support with people who genuinely care about our well-being, and who are able to uplift and encourage us without any agendas or possible nasty "strings attached."

 

Then there is the risk of becoming emotionally dependent on the very person we are trying to 'move forward' from. Another risk is that we might start to see the problems and negative dynamics as "normal" (it becomes our "new normal"), which naturally would just end up keeping us in the unhealthy situation from which we initially wanted to free ourselves.

 

I would say that OP does NOT "need" this guy to get back on her feet, nor does she "need" to have a man constantly in her life. She is perfectly capable of doing her healing without him, of finding better support for herself, and of being happy and successful without always having to have any old guy in the background. IMO.