I just have no idea what's going on with him

[Dman]

Hi. This is going to be quite long, I apologise! Just so you all know I'm 19 and a gay male.

I've been with my other half for nearly 2 years. During this time we've been through a lot. When we first met in early 2006 we dated for quite a few weeks, only for him to turn round and tell me he was in love with his best friend. Needless to say, I ended it back then. Months later, in around October 2006 it turned out he'd moved in down the road and he texted me to let me know. Anyway eventually we hooked up.

Everything was great for over a year. We had a lot of happy times.

Then by the end of 2007 things started to change. He started acting differently. He wanted to go out more often. He suddenly had all these new friends that he wanted to be with and despite living a few minutes walk from each other I saw him less and less. Then the lies and let-downs came. He would tell me he was on his way to mine and then just wouldn't turn up. I would sit and wait for hours wondering where he'd gotten to. I'd ring him and he would say he'd gone to bed. I would ask why he bothered telling me he was on his way if he wasn't coming and he'd say something stupid like "I forgot" or "something good came on the TV". I usually found these excuses quite hurtful.

However I still made an effort with him and even went out with him and his friends. I did my best to get on with all of them and make a good impression - which is why when my other half would ask me to buy his drinks I would do it.

Christmas 2007 came and went. I bought him a lot of things he wanted, and bearing in mind his birthday was just 2 weeks before Christmas I spent quite a lot of money. I received nothing. Now I know you shouldn't give to receive, but it just became clear to me that over the last year I'd bought him a Valentine's card, an anniversary card and gold ring, along with many other little gestures like teddy bears and clothes and yet never received anything back myself, not even for my birthday.

Valentine's 2008 came - same thing again. But this time he told me he couldn't afford to get me anything. During this time paranoia had started to set in. His phone had rang a couple weeks previously and I simply took it to him (it had since stopped ringing). He became very protective of his phone and grabbed it off me and told me not to look at it (which I hadn't been, but now I started to feel I needed to look at it to see what he was hiding). One night he was stopping at mine and I took his phone while he slept and read it downstairs. He had a lot of flirty messages on his phone and a mostly deleted outbox. There were a few messages left in his outbox though - one to a guy just a few days after Valentine's day saying he'd bought him a card for his birthday. This got to me as he'd told me he had no money to get me a Valentine's card yet could afford a birthday card for this random guy.

These things went on and on. Eventually I got hold of his email password and found out he'd joined a sort of dating website and had himself down as single. He convinced me that he thought it was just a normal social networking site and that it puts people as single and looking by default (I have since found out that's not true). 2 weeks later he'd joined another one of these sites. Paranoia was getting stronger and stronger in me. He would start turning his phone off at mine and locking it with a pin code. He would leave the room when he got a call.

Then one night I had my best friend staying over. He'd been out and gotten drunk. He came to mine and went to bed. When my best friend and I went to bed we were shocked to discover vomit absolutely EVERYWHERE. All over the walls, all over the bed, my clothes, the bed I'd set up for my best friend, the carpet. We had nothing to sleep in. And he LAUGHED!

Anyway he didn't even offer to help as my best friend and I set to cleaning up. We didn't get to bed until 6am. Meanwhile he said he'd felt embarrassed and wanted to go home. I told him if he walks out the door we're over as it was his mess and he'd caused a lot of trouble and could at least help clean up. He sneaked out when we weren't looking. That was the final straw for me. I told him we were over and that I just couldn't cope with it anymore. He cried and told me not to end it but I stuck to my guns. I then unfortunately went on the rebound and hooked up with someone else who was just a shoulder to cry on at the time. A few weeks later my other half was still texting me and I decided to get back with him as I missed him so much and still loved him. But he claimed that by going with this other guy I'd cheated on him. I didn't really think this was true as we'd split but I could understand his hurt. I did my best to make things better between us. I made romantic gestures, took him out for meals, did favours for him and his family and basically did anything he asked of me.

He'd told his friends that I'd cheated on him. Obviously they all turned against me. That was hard. They would shout abuse at me in the background when I was on the phone to my boyfriend and make fun of me. A couple of these friends I managed to tell my side of the story to and they actually ended up sticking up for me - my boyfriend fell out with both of them and has still not really made up with them to this day. I also confided in his sister, who also took my side after hearing both mine and his side.

Anyway, the broken promises started again and the lies and let-downs. He was hanging round with this guy who we both knew had the hots for him. He told me nothing would happen between them. I asked if he was attracted to him and he said "well yeah but I wouldn't go with him or cheat on you ever". Obviously this intensified my paranoia as it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. He then started going on trips with his friends, including this guy, to clubs in other cities. I logged onto Facebook one day and saw a photo of him and this guy - both of them had huge lovebites on their necks. It was pretty obvious they'd given them to each other. I rang him to ask what the hell was going on and he still said nothing. We argued and he told me if I felt like this we should just end it and in anger I said "fine". I didn't really mean it, and he knew that but he took his opportunity. He slept with the guy. Several times. They then became a "couple". I found this out while I was at work and I was devastated as I'd thought we we're still going to be ok. It took a couple people to console me at work as I was so heartbroken. I just felt like I'd been right all along and for so long he'd convinced me I was being stupid or paranoid.

Anyway I started to move on and a few weeks later he was texting me out the blue asking to meet. I met him and he told me he still loved me and wanted me back. I pointed out he was with the other guy and he said he "kinda wished it hadn't happened" with him. At first I refused to get back with him, I refused to do to the other guy what they'd done to me. But he chased after me and told me he loved me and needed me. I gave him a condition - he finish with the other guy, he have no contact with him whatsoever and not to talk to him ever again. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. He agreed to it and we got back together.

I found it hard to trust him but we made a good go of it and things started to seem ok. But now it's started again. Broken promises. Let downs. Secrecy with his phone. Unfortunately one of his friends is the best friend of the guy he got with. I rang him one night and he said he was meeting this friend in town. I told him that I felt uneasy about this as I knew for a fact the other guy would be with her, and after all he'd promised not to speak to him or associate with him again. He then text me a few minutes later to tell me he wasn't going anymore and was angry at me because it was my fault he can't go because of the other guy being there. I said "hang on, when you asked to get back together with me you made a promise to me that you wouldn't speak to him again, don't get angry with me just because you're struggling to keep that promise". I then came up with a compromise - my best friend and I happened to be going to the same bar in town and I said he could come with us, this way he could still talk to his friend but the other guy would know to stay away. He refused to come.

Anyway since then he's started to let me down more and more. I hardly see him at all. He only ever calls me if he wants something - such as "can you download such-and-such for me off the internet" or if I'm in town he'll ring and say "can you get me some cookies please" - seriously!

Anyway we went in town together last week and he jokingly asked if he could have a pair of shoes he'd found - I bought them. He then asked me to buy him a jacket, and I did. I spent a lot of money that day. To top it off a couple days later I bought him some flowers. But I'd since bumped into my rebound guy who told me that my boyfriend fancies his friend and his friend also fancies my boyfriend. I put this down to jealousy on the rebound guy's part - he's not exactly known for being the most honest guy in the world. Still, I brought it up with my boyfriend who told me it was a load of rubbish. He then shouted at me, called me selfish (while stood in the shoes and jacket and holding the flowers I'd just bought him), told me he was going to start putting himself first. I said he does that anyway. I told him he never makes any effort with me at all.

I love him with all my heart I truly do but I just don't know what's going on with him. To be heartbroken again by him will destroy me this time.

I rang him the other day to ask if he wanted to go out for a meal and he first had a go at me for ringing him while he was asleep (it was 3 in the afternoon!) and then said he can't come anyway as he was going for a meal with his mother.

He hasn't really spoken to me much since. I last saw him 4 days ago. He texted me 3 days ago to ask me to download a song for him. He texted me on Friday night to ask if I'd had a good night. I said yes and asked if he had had a good night too. He said yes. I replied saying that my best mate was currently throwing up in the bin. He replied with an abrupt "I'm going to bed now". He hasn't spoken to me since. He hasn't rang me or text me at all. I'm not going to ring him or text him as I'm thinking it's always me that has to do that, I'd like him to ring me for once. Yet he hasn't. I'm so confused. He told me he wanted me back and loved me. He lives 8 minutes away but may as well live on the other side of the world. He's just so distant and confusing. I love him with all my heart and God knows I've made an effort. When we're together we're so happy, don't get me wrong, and our friends have always said we're so good together. But I just don't know where I stand. Is he cheating on me? Quite a few people have just told me to get rid of him but I can't. I just love him too much to lose him. As I say, I won't be able to cope with the heartbreak again. I just can't. But at the moment I'm coping well. I'm trying not to think about him or text him. But now I just don't know whether he's actually finished with me and just doesn't want to tell me. In that case I might be waiting forever for a text or call that will never come. But I still don't feel I should call him this time, and even if I did I don't know what to say.

If you've actually managed to read all this then many thanks!!

Advice please.

[sandrawg]

OMG, why are you tolerating this abuse from this person? You say you love him...what do you love about him?

 

Can you please go back and re-read your post, but read it from the perspective of someone else besides yourself. Imagine you are a friend of this person who's writing all these things. What would you tell him? I mean honestly, wouldn't you tell a friend who was being mistreated like this to leave? Aren't you your own friend??

 

My exh once said "you can't love others until you first love yourself." Do you love yourself? If so, why would you let this guy walk on you like this? Face it, I'm sorry, he's worthless. He's using you. He breaks his promises...he def sounds like he's cheating, right under your nose. You need to kick him to the curb like Beckham.

[sweet&simple]

Dump him.

 

Don't say you "can't deal with the heartbreak again," you didn't deal with it the first time-- you took him back the moment he showed you a bit of attention. He is a user.. it's all about him, and you've had 2 years to see that it's not going to change.

 

You're going to be waiting a long time for that call/text [that is, unless he decides he needs you to do something for him] and it's been a general rule for me that you wait for no one.. especially not someone who claims to "love you," but fails to show you in actions.

 

I think the heartbreak of getting over him will probably be a lot more healthy than the heartbreak you're going to continue to suffer by giving him the opportunity to do this to you for however long until he cheats on you again, starts blowing you off, etc.

 

End the cycle.

[Dman]

Thanks for the replies.

 

He did eventually text me last night and asked why I hadn't been talking to him. I said because he had a go at me the last time I rang. He said he was just tired and I pointed out that I only rang to ask him if he wanted to go out for dinner. He text back "well sorry" but with no kiss on the end of the text which I basically took to mean a sarcastic response and so didn't reply. He later texted me to say goodnight.

I tried to ring him today and he forwarded both the calls to voicemail. I texted him to basically say I was fed up of this and he texted back to say he was out having a meal with his family.

I wish I didn't love him. He's changed so much in the last year and I just don't understand why. But I think from now on I'm just going to put myself first. I've set a challenge to myself to stop ringing or texting him and to stop thinking about him now. I just need to think of my own happiness and as much as he does make me happy when it's just me and him, it just doesn't happen often enough and there's just more pain than joy. I think the less contact I have with him from now on the less I will care about him, and I think that's the only way forward as he's shown me no alternative.

[vertigocidic]

Listen. I've dated an abusive person before. Did all kinds of **** to me- Lied to me, yelled at me even when I did nothing wrong, humiliated me in public, cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant, the works. Please, please, PLEASE PLEASE let this ******* go. He is nothing but a psycho. He's a liar, a user, an abuser, a cheater... jesus christ, this guy can't get any worse!

 

Please, please let him go. It may be hard because you care for him so much, but you have to let him go. Someday, you will find someone, and you'll be so happy that you took my advice, I promise.

 

And I'm so happy to hear there are homosexuals on this site! I am bisexual and have always felt so alone up until my high school years when everyone accepted it now.

 

You're not alone in this. You have to end it.

[Vertex]

This sounds just like my last relationship of 2 years.

 

I was with a girl that did the same thing that this guy is doing to you. He lies, fails to stand by his word, only contacts you when he wants you to do something, doesn't respect your thoughts/concerns/feelings, sneaks around behind your back dishonestly, and isn't even thoughtful enough to reciprocate on holidays.

 

Here's the thing I've come to realize when it comes to abusive relationships. It's clear you're a good guy and you try hard to make things work. However, an abuser just does not put you ahead, and does not know how to reciprocate. They say one thing and do another and take advantage of your love.

 

And so, in your post, you spoke of only negative things. Now, that makes it indicative that you're aware that this relationship is clearly dysfunctional. This is further supported by the fact that you even said, directly, that you wish you didn't love him.

 

Yes, you may have good times once in a while. I did with my ex, too. Whenever we'd have a good moment, I'd hold out on this hope that things would change and improve. However, after 2 years, you have to realize that the negatives greatly outweigh the positives.

 

Once you separate from an abusive relationship, you start to feel a lot better. You don't have to put up with that crap anymore. You'll realize that there are indeed many others out there for you who will not put you through abuse. It is possible to have a relationship that is characterized by mainly good moments, and where mutual respect and love exists. Abuse doesn't have to be the norm.

 

This guy's not worth the air he wastes. It's clear you are a loving person who tries hard to think of others and make things work. However, a relationship takes two people, and it's clear that he's not going to come around anytime soon. Thus, it's also not worth waiting around to find out, since, in the meantime, he'll continue to take advantage of you.

 

Perhaps you're afraid to be single, or maybe you feel like you two have invested so much time already -- I don't know. But whatever your reasoning is, I assure you it's debatable. You do *not* have to put up with that kind of treatment, and you *can* find others who are better.

 

I hope you can find the strength within yourself to kick his ass out and move on.

[Dman]

Sorry to bump an old post. But I just wanted to say a great big thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to hear some positive words as I'm not used to it. I've not logged on here for a while as I've been dealing with all the issues and have only just seen the last couple of replies now.

Anyway as far as our relationship goes - I think we've split up this time. I say I think because he's not come right out and said we're not together. But I think I may as well take this oppportunity and search for someone else while enjoying the single life. In the end I made up with his best friend and we hung out for a night together as my boyfriend ditched us. He also nearly fell out with her I think because he didn't like her being friends with me. She told me a lot of stuff about him and really sympathized with me.

I suspect he's actually found someone else and just isn't telling me. It is heartbreaking but considering everything that's happened it's probably for the best we're not together. Although he's still confusing me with texts such as "if you need me I'm still here x" and the random "I'm so bored" text the other day - almost as if he was hoping I'd invite him round. He was the one that told me not to text him again last Friday so I didn't all weekend and then he finally texted me on Tuesday as if nothing had happened - asking how I was, etc. I did foolishly text him with the little love heart characters - "<3" - today to test the water and received no reply. Utterly embarrassing. My brother's girlfriend believes that he doesn't want to be with me but at the same time doesn't want to let me go either. In other words he doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I just feel like insurance cover - if his next relationship doesn't work then he'll come back to me because he knows I'll be waiting - and that's why he's keeping things secret and still sending me the odd text - just to keep me hanging.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This person is basically abusing your good nature. You sound like a real catch; kind, generous, loving and very devoted and committed. These are genuinely WONDERFUL qualities to have. Get rid of this guy and save them for someone who will return them to you. Until that time, use these qualities to bring yourself happiness. Be generous, loving and kind to yourself. And one of the kind things you can do is get rid of this guy. I understand he must hold a certain allure or power over you for you to return to him and put up with his treatment of you but be strong and also see that these wonderful qualities of yours are not weaknesses. You sound like a giver. Sadly there are a lot of takers in the world who will bleed those of that give and love easily dry. So hold a bit back next time but don't let this experience jade you to giving in future. Just make sure it's with someone who can give AND take