married too young

[LittleGirl]

My husband and I married right out of high school. (Please don't attack me I am well aware of the stupidity of the thing.) At first it was exciting but the longer we've been together the more and more depressed I become over the obvious differences between the two of us. We were only children when we got married and didn't honestly know ourselves. So how could we know eachother? I know its a little late to be considering these issues. It has been 14 months since we've been married, and I feel like we grow apart everyday.

 

Several months ago, our relationship was really on the rocks. We almost split up, but somehow it happened that we didn't (I felt sorry for him). We didn't have anything in common and had nothing to talk about. Since then, not much has improved, except that I got a job and I don't have to be around him all day anymore. We now have something to talk about.... excuse me, now I have something to talk about (my job) as he lays around all day watching tv. Yes he does chores during the day, but only if I "bitch and nag" at him to do it. He hasn't made much of an effort to get a job himself. Come to think of it, seems like I spend a lot of time nagging him, as if I am turning into the mother-type. The problem, like I said is that we married too young, and basically I feel like he hasn't grown up at all to fit the role of HUSBAND. Because of this, I get frustrated with him easily and we fight a lot. As is the norm, most fights are related to finances or housekeeping. Usually the fighting is just verbal. But occasionally there is physical aggressiveness coming from both sides. I'm not saying he beats me senseless, we are both rough. It's just that I know this is not natural. (or is it?)

 

Three years ago, the girl and boy who were high school sweethearts were passionately in love. But now, the person I've become doesn't love the person he's become. It's true, I don't love my husband, I am not even attracted to him anymore (not that we have many encounters anyway). But I am not necessarily looking for a way out. And I don't need to put "passion" back into the mix. I just need to know how to get along with him. I know the major problem is a maturity issue, and I need some advice on how to get him to grow up a little. Or how is divorce as an option?

[Tony T]

I'm not so sure it's that you married too young as it's you married the wrong person. I know a lot of people who married right out of high school who remained happy all their lives. It's a matter of maturity and luck, I suppose. Yes, you can make it work by growing up and facing the reality of what you got into and making the best of it. But there is always divorce for those who no matter what they do just can't seem to be able to get it together. You're very young and you still have a lot of life to live. If you are just plain miserable, divorce probably won't be a bad option. Just don't make the same kind of mistake again. People who get married at any age sometimes end up exactly where you are now....in partnerships that may just have never been meant to be.

[PurpleAngel]

I just need to know how to get along with him.

 

Understanding and accepting one another is the only way you will get along. The more you fight him and resist his immaturity the more you will resent him and each other. You are both being stubborn and immature.

 

I need some advice on how to get him to grow up a little.

 

I don’t believe you can MAKE anyone grow up, this is up to them BUT I do think you must make people take accountability about their life and their actions. Does this make sense? Be compassionate when you talk to him about things, but assertive and diplomatic.

 

occasionally there is physical aggressiveness coming from both sides

 

You both sound like you are REALLY resenting one another, this needs to be resolved if you to are going to stay together or at worst part ways and be friends. Start thinking about WHY you resent him and the situation. Stop thinking about the fact you where young etc... you’re not anymore and are now equipped to deal with this inner conflict and loss or lack of communication with your husband.

 

 

as he lays around all day watching tv. Yes he does chores during the day, but only if I "bitch and nag" at him to do it. He hasn't made much of an effort to get a job himself. Come to think of it, seems like I spend a lot of time nagging him, as if I am turning into the mother-type. The problem, like I said is that we married too young, and basically I feel like he hasn't grown up at all to fit the role of HUSBAND.

 

Your husband doesn’t sound like he is very happy with himself, and will never be unless he gets off his ass and starts creating some abundance or just being creative with himself. He needs to get a win out of what he does. Needs to know he CAN achieve something. SO instead of ‘nagging’ and staying with him cos you feel 'sorry' for him, why not stop the nagging and the pitting and push him to do more with himself. Reason with him, as you would a child. You are not being a constructive force in each other’s lives. By staying with him because you PITY him is VERY destructive. Mind you I only half believe that comment as I do not believe people stay in things, no matter how bad they are, cos they pity someone. There must be something in the relationship that serves you in some way. It could just be the roof over your head.

 

I believe that 1. You no longer communicate effectively, 2. You are both 'mad' and are blaming one another for being unhappy today. NEVER blame another, you made the choice to be here

 

Either way YOU must make a choice to 1. Start being a little more positive and open with him, attempting to communicate openly, while understanding and releasing the resentment you have towards him. Set an example AND start encouraging some constructive actions between you both. OR 2. Counseling! OR 3. Divorce!

 

GOOD LUCK

~PurpleAngel~