A puzzling question

[soserious1]

I was very unhappy with the intimate side of my marriage and after, many,many talks, many, many fights finially just sat him down and let him know that I was unhappy had been for quite some time. I did not step out or cheat. I offered him a choice, either we opened the marriage so that both of us could have sex with others or that we would divorce as I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life in this situation.He refused to open the marriage, I filed and he moved out 2 weeks ago.

 

When he needs to speak with me now he calls me names "filthy whore"" "the cum guzzling grannie" he's told everybody we know that I'm a used up, hungry for cock old slut. If I'd cheated on him, I'd have been labled a cheating filthy whore.. I don't cheat on him and I'm still a filthy whore ? what gives here?

 

Oh and for the record , he had a date from craig's list 2 days after he was served, the only place I've gone since that day is to work and the super market.

[Ocean-Blue]

You wanted to see other people while being married, and to him, that's "filthy whore" behaviour. The name calling is hurtful, yes, but you did hurt him by giving him such an ultimatum.

 

What man would agree to something like this anyway?

[soserious1]

You wanted to see other people while being married, and to him, that's "filthy whore" behaviour. The name calling is hurtful, yes, but you did hurt him by giving him such an ultimatum.

 

What man would agree to something like this anyway?

 

 

Our marriage was sexless, he felt I had grown "too old" to arouse him sexually

he expected that I would accept that I was "finished at 50" and continue to be

like a kind,generous supportive room mate while remaining married and faithful.

[Ocean-Blue]

Our marriage was sexless, he felt I had grown "too old" to arouse him sexually

he expected that I would accept that I was "finished at 50" and continue to be

like a kind,generous supportive room mate while remaining married and faithful.

 

You are entitled to your reasons for wanting to divorce him. All I'm saying is that putting such an ultimatum to a man is risky. Surely you must've known that he might respond with such venom. He's being an a@s for sure. But you have to accept that he's just reacting to the hurt of being given such an ultimatum. You chose him over sex and physical affection (which is your prerogative), but you have you accept that he'll lash out.

 

Then again, if he wants to play dirty, perhaps you should inform those that matter of the details (some anyway). That way, you won't lose friends over this.

[soserious1]

You are entitled to your reasons for wanting to divorce him. All I'm saying is that putting such an ultimatum to a man is risky. Surely you must've known that he might respond with such venom. He's being an a@s for sure. But you have to accept that he's just reacting to the hurt of being given such an ultimatum. You chose him over sex and physical affection (which is your prerogative), but you have you accept that he'll lash out.

 

Then again, if he wants to play dirty, perhaps you should inform those that matter of the details (some anyway). That way, you won't lose friends over this.

 

I guess I don't understand, I tried to work our problems out, the offer of an open marriage was a last ditch effort to stay married, how can you sit there and flat out refuse sexually intimacy to a spouse but then get angry and call them foul names because they refuse to agree to live out the rest of their life without intimacy?

 

As far as I'm concerned, he ended the marriage, I just made it offical.

[Ocean-Blue]

I guess I don't understand, I tried to work our problems out, the offer of an open marriage was a last ditch effort to stay married, how can you sit there and flat out refuse sexually intimacy to a spouse but then get angry and call them foul names because they refuse to agree to live out the rest of their life without intimacy?

 

As far as I'm concerned, he ended the marriage, I just made it offical.

 

I guess you made the mistake of giving him the choice (rather than just walk out on him). He is selfish and cruel, yes...but you set the ball in motion by asking for what you did.

 

Now that it's done, you have to maintain your dignity. When I said give details earlier, I meant to say that you should talk to your friends (those you trust). With everyone else, just tell them he's a crazy jerk.

[luvstarved]

I wish I had a picture of a turd that I could paste here so that I could illustrate to you what his opinion is composed of and worth.

[soserious1]

I guess you made the mistake of giving him the choice (rather than just walk out on him). He is selfish and cruel, yes...but you set the ball in motion by asking for what you did.

 

Now that it's done, you have to maintain your dignity. When I said give details earlier, I meant to say that you should talk to your friends (those you trust). With everyone else, just tell them he's a crazy jerk.

 

So I'd be a filthy no good whore if I'd cheated and I'm a filthy no good whore because I didn't?

 

I don't understand that, don't understand it at all, I was on the sofa for the last 1 yr of our marriage, my requesting to open the marriage was a last ditch effort at giving him a wake up call,that this gets fixed one way or another or we are done.

 

I'm reading about how all the spouse here that were cheated on would have so prefered that the cheating spouse be totally honest with them BEFORE resorting to an affair, how they might have parted anyways but it would have been on better terms. My husband didn't want me but he responded to honesty in the exact same way he would if I'd cheated?

[Ocean-Blue]

So I'd be a filthy no good whore if I'd cheated and I'm a filthy no good whore because I didn't?

 

I don't understand that, don't understand it at all, I was on the sofa for the last 1 yr of our marriage, my requesting to open the marriage was a last ditch effort at giving him a wake up call,that this gets fixed one way or another or we are done.

 

I'm reading about how all the spouse here that were cheated on would have so prefered that the cheating spouse be totally honest with them BEFORE resorting to an affair, how they might have parted anyways but it would have been on better terms. My husband didn't want me but he responded to honesty in the exact same way he would if I'd cheated?

 

You could've chosen to just leave him (after asking him to consider sex). To him, it doesn't matter that you didn't cheat (he probably sees it as being the same).

 

It must be very difficult for you to hear him say those things about you. Just remind yourself that he's an angry little man who is nursing a very bruised ego.

[luvstarved]

Ocean, this went on for a while and he was VERY blunt and cruel with her and she finally suggested this as a last ditch effort. His ego was not bruised,he refused to have sex with her and said equally insulting things about her unattractiveness due to age, etc BEFORE she filed for divorce and BEFORE she suggested open marriage.

 

WHY he continues to berate her is one puzzle. The other is why she continues to give any credence to the venomous spewings of an overtly cruel as**ole who obviously has no interest in her other than to try to destroy any self-esteem she may yet be clinging to.

 

soserious, you are free to do so now. I think it is time for you to look for an actual HUMAN male to interact with. They are out there!!!!!!!

[pelicanpreacher]

Can you expound a bit on why he denies you intimacy. I know you said that he didn't desire you any longer but what have you done to make yourself happier and more desireable within yourself? Also, what is his medical state? I suspect there's more to this story than you've let on so don't be surprised by the narrow perspective of responses you'll receive based upon the information you've presented thus far.

[Ocean-Blue]

Ocean, this went on for a while and he was VERY blunt and cruel with her and she finally suggested this as a last ditch effort. His ego was not bruised,he refused to have sex with her and said equally insulting things about her unattractiveness due to age, etc BEFORE she filed for divorce and BEFORE she suggested open marriage.

 

WHY he continues to berate her is one puzzle. The other is why she continues to give any credence to the venomous spewings of an overtly cruel as**ole who obviously has no interest in her other than to try to destroy any self-esteem she may yet be clinging to.

 

soserious, you are free to do so now. I think it is time for you to look for an actual HUMAN male to interact with. They are out there!!!!!!!

 

I see.

 

That should give the OP more incentive to not give any credence to what this person has said and is saying to her.

 

He's not worth it.

[mia1266]

Soserious, he is wrong. Wanting sex doesnt make someone "filthy". Sexual desrire is normal and healthy. He betrayed you by withholding sex. 50 is still young!

[mia1266]

Ocean, this went on for a while and he was VERY blunt and cruel with her and she finally suggested this as a last ditch effort. His ego was not bruised,he refused to have sex with her and said equally insulting things about her unattractiveness due to age, etc BEFORE she filed for divorce and BEFORE she suggested open marriage.

 

WHY he continues to berate her is one puzzle. The other is why she continues to give any credence to the venomous spewings of an overtly cruel as**ole who obviously has no interest in her other than to try to destroy any self-esteem she may yet be clinging to.

 

soserious, you are free to do so now. I think it is time for you to look for an actual HUMAN male to interact with. They are out there!!!!!!!

 

 

Right on Luvstarved!

[lkjh]

Hold up there is always two sides to every story and maybe he didn't see the problems in your marriage as clearly as you did. Does it really shock people that during a divorce things tend to ugly? I am not saying he is in the right just sometimes things are more complicated then they seem. Look at it from his point of view, you basically sat him down and said either you let me bang other guys or I am out.

 

I don't know how long you two were married but after a few years things do slow down. Did you ever sit down and actually talk with him? I didn't read your back story but I do know that nothing is more degrading to a man then his wife saying she wants other men.

[pelicanpreacher]

I was very unhappy with the intimate side of my marriage and after, many,many talks, many, many fights finially just sat him down and let him know that I was unhappy had been for quite some time. I did not step out or cheat. I offered him a choice, either we opened the marriage so that both of us could have sex with others or that we would divorce as I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life in this situation.He refused to open the marriage, I filed and he moved out 2 weeks ago.

 

When he needs to speak with me now he calls me names "filthy whore"" "the cum guzzling grannie" he's told everybody we know that I'm a used up, hungry for cock old slut. If I'd cheated on him, I'd have been labled a cheating filthy whore.. I don't cheat on him and I'm still a filthy whore ? what gives here?

 

Oh and for the record , he had a date from craig's list 2 days after he was served, the only place I've gone since that day is to work and the super market.

 

I've taken a moment and read through all your posts and am a little confused here. Your stbx stated that having intimacy with you because of your age was undignified yet feels that masturbating to porn at 55 years old is "high brow"? The very fact that he is dating now makes him the biggest hypocrite known to man and leaves him no room to stand on the insults he's spread about you. I suspect that he's been spoiling for a divorce long before you considered the concept but had to bide his time so that you would take the initiative for filing to make you pay for it.

 

Your husband is a douche and your lawyer is a bigger douche. I would have advised that you stay in the marriage for another 2 or 3 years while taking as large a paycut as your lifestyle could handle while also immediately liquidating at least 50% of all retirement holdings to convert the cash into gold or precious stones to hoard for safe keeping. This way when the courts assessed your financial worth upon reviewing the last 2 years of financial statements they would have had to calculate his award based upon the reduced income and asset amount because the duration of your legal income and asset seasoning would have to be adjusted to the present day findings. Your husband would still receive alimony and half of what was left in the 401K but it would be a mere pittance by comparison to what he'll currently receive. You had the opportunity to take the wind out of the sails of his lazy butt however, sadly for you, that window is closed now.

 

I believe that if you are of sound mind while fit and able enough to find work then alimony should only be required as temporary assistance to sustain the receiver until they can be trained and employable. A marriage should not make you a financial slave to anyone for the rest of your life no matter what gender you are.

[GPFan]

Your marriage is over, divorce and move on.

[imagine]

Firstly, kudos for trying.

 

Most guys don't even get a chance to make good. I understand entirely about the need to employ shock tactics in order to make an impression on H. I think that I'm probably just as guilty as your man when it comes to taking a hint.

 

I suspect that you knew beforehand that the suggestion of an open marriage would not "go down". Unfortunately, the proposal has had the undesired effect of shifting the focus from building the marriage to handling the emotions around the proposal.

 

Divorcing and picking a new beau has its own set of problems. Chief of which, there are no guarantees for improvement. My advice is to check out the articles at the Marriage Builders site. The beauty of these articles are that they do not initially require your H's participation.

 

I admire your pro-active approach but don't quit on your marriage just yet.

[angie2443]

I feel sorry for the woman who is stupid einough to date your husband.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel sorry for the woman who is stupid einough to date your husband.

 

... or man.

 

I can't help but to wonder if he is either a closet homosexual with a nasty misogynistic streak, or so deep into some sort of fetish or pathological dislike of sex (abused as a child maybe?) that he can't perform on a normal level and takes that out on whichever woman he happens to be with.

 

S1, he clearly is the one with the problem yet you have been stuck with the idea that the problem is you and you are pretty hard on yourself.

 

I wish I could kick this f*cker in the pants for you. And hard. Hard enough for him not to like it, either.