jtv Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 Been married 17 years to my one and only. Had it ups and downs two children. Out of the blue started having an affair with a man. Caught me by surprise was not looking for it. He is 12 years older then I am and married for 21 years. I know it won't end good. I won't leave my husband for him and I know it is not in his plan to leave his wife for me. What we have is "pleasureable, exciting and good communication" say him. He has had one other affair before but this was when is was drinking he is now a recovering alcholic for the last 5 years. The excitment period is over and his attention to me is not as intense so my feelings get hurt. My thoughtis to before our realtionship endst is over emailing his wife and telling her her husband is having an affair. Why?
niko1999 Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 Well, do you want to be the one responsible for ruining her? If she doesnt know, than sometimes they say, blissfulness is happiness. I think you are just jealous tha he is getting tired of you. THat is the trouble with an affair, one person always ends up wanting more, getting attatched, ect. But dont email his wife, if you want to ruin a relationship, tell your husband first. YOu have no right to email his wife and tell her.
dulcinea Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 First, the statement that your husband is your one and only isn't correct, not to be harsh, but I think you need to be shocked into the fact that many innocent feelings are at stake here. I think that niko is correct about leaving the wife out of this. I also agree that you are jealous of the man paying more attention to his wife than you. The affair couldn't have been out of the blue, because its not like you accidentally started having sex with someone other than your husband. You need to speak to your husband because an affair is the result of things being wrong in your marriage. If you think that you would be able to abstain from extra-marital affairs after ending it with this guy (WHICH YOU SHOULD DO IMMEDIATELY!), I would say do not tell your husband about the affair, but talk about things that are troubling you in the marriage and try to work things out. Perhaps see a counselor. If you do not think that you are able to stay loyal to your husband from now on, be upfront about it with him and get out of the marriage. Please think of the two people (your husband and his wife) that are at risk of being hurt the most by this.
MarieW Posted August 21, 2003 Posted August 21, 2003 I agree totally with dulcinea. Why hurt his wife? She may be oblivious to this affair but unless she is completely dumb she must know what her husband is like, that in itself is enough pain for anyone. Don't hate her, feel sorry for her. You know the affair is going nowhere, dump him. Then talk to your husband and try to sort out your relationship, you say he is your one and only and you'll never leave him but put yourself in his position. Would you leave him if you discovered he was having an affair? How hurt would you be? When you have answered those questions you can gather what sort of pain you will put him through if this affair comes out. Try to mend what is broken before you go out and buy a new one!
trixie34 Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 I know that your message is a little old, but I am in your shoes...and just came across your postings..I had an affair with a married man this past summer...I honestly don't think that I was "in love" with him..just an infatuation...they had only been married about 1 year when we hooked up and I was in a 8 year relationship myself and engaged to be married..still with my fiance..we are trying to work things out..he knows about the affair (from someone else) and we just take it day by day..those days have been hard.. He (the other) has not had to endure one bit of punishment for his actions..he has lived his life like nothing happened and gets to be happy with his family that he tried so hard to make me believe was making him so unhappy..I felt hurt and used and I resented the fact that he later had bad things to say about me..although that is not the case for you..I do know the feelings of resentment and wanting to tell her..My fiance has told me that if I did tell her that things would be over for me and him and so I haven't but every day the thought crosses my mind to email her..I just want him to have to suffer..and why..what justification will I get out of that ..just more pain brought to me and my bf b/c the issues resurfaced..and they have two kids..coming from that home life myself..I don't want to put those children through that..it is not their fault that their dad is a dick..and as for her..I feel that it is her blindness and she will know sooner or later..b/c if he did it with me he will do it with someone else..so just let it go..the longer you dwell on the thoughts the longer it will harbor in you and just make you more resentful..These are my thoughts and what I tell myself every day..If you find that they don't apply to you then fine..you will just be causing yourself more pain though..
Fancy Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Sure you can go ahead and do that, but if you think she'll leave him and he'll suddenly want to be with you, you're deluding yourself big time. Adding some "drama" to the affair by doing this to his wife will only end up backfiring right in your face. You only want to do this because you're miserable with yourself and you want someone else to suffer too. Why not take the healthy approach and end the affair, get some counseling for yourself and together with your husband and live an honorable life free of deceit?
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by trixie34 He (the other) has not had to endure one bit of punishment for his actions..he has lived his life like nothing happened and gets to be happy with his family So what's that to you? You knew the deal going into the affair. If you chose to ignore the conventional wisdom that getting involved with a married man is a bad idea, you have no one to blame but yourself. It's not for you to decide whether or not he gets punished. he tried so hard to make me believe was making him so unhappy..I felt hurt and used and I resented the fact that he later had bad things to say about me What did you expect him to tell you? He was going to say what he needed to say to get you to sleep with him. Adulterers probably have less luck if they say to their targeted lover, "hey you know I'm perfectly content to stay with my spouse but I'd love a little action on the side. It'll be a temporary thing, of course -- whaddya say?" I do know the feelings of resentment and wanting to tell her.. Your wish to get even with him does not give you the right to use her as a tool of your vengeance. You're not interested in telling her for her benefit (cos if you cared about her you wouldn't have started sleeping with her husband in the first place!). You want to use her to get back at her husband. You'd be doing her further injury -- and what right have you to do that? What has she done to you? My fiance has told me that if I did tell her that things would be over for me and him I hate to say it but your fiance sounds like he's either a candidate for sainthood, or just plain crazy. Not only did you cheat, but you're still obsessing over your lover and wanting to "get even" by pulling a somewhat-psycho spurned lover move. I just want him to have to suffer I am sorry to sound so harsh, but he owes you nothing. It's not for you to decide whether or not he suffers. You were sex to him, that's it. If you deluded yourself into thinking it was more, I'm afraid you've got no one but yourself to blame for that. and they have two kids.. All the more reason to leave his poor wife alone. I feel that it is her blindness and she will know sooner or later..b/c if he did it with me he will do it with someone else You may be right, but that's none of your business. It just isn't!! ..so just let it go..the longer you dwell on the thoughts the longer it will harbor in you and just make you more resentful..These are my thoughts and what I tell myself every day..If you find that they don't apply to you then fine..you will just be causing yourself more pain though.. Yeah. And rather than focusing your emotional energy thinking about him and his wife, why not turn to your own relationship with yourself, and with your fiance, and figure out why the heck you're doing the things you're doing -- cheating, wanting to get revenge on the married lover who dropped you without a qualm. Seems to me like you've got more important things to focus on, things that are actually relevant to your own life.
lostforwords Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Im certainly no expert in giving advice however I do know a desperate person when I see one. I would agree with the rest of the panel. Its not up to you to contact her as so much hangs in the balance if you chose to do so. You need to pay attention to your own marriage and work on coming to a resolution with it whether it be good or bad. I feel you have had a traumatic experience from this affair which is just a result of the decisions both you and he have made. However, for you to seek revenge would not fix your problems but rather open a whole new slew of problems. I totally agree with midori.
trixie34 Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 in response to midori..I was trying to tell her not to do it..that it would just cause more pain..obviously you are on the outside looking in, or else you have been cheated on yourself or you would understand..My b/f wanted her to know too and even called her once but she was not at work..He wanted her to hurt the same way that he did too and he hadn't done anything wrong..and he thought that she had a right to know..when you are in that position as I was in and you feel the hurt of being lied to just as much as the wife/husband..noone ever posts articles about "the other woman" ....are we not human..are we not allowed to have feelings of hurt and/or betrayal..we are ..just because we make mistakes and fall for someone that we should not have..why does that make us a bad person?? It doesn't just helps us to make better decisions next time..
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by trixie34 in response to midori..I was trying to tell her not to do it..that it would just cause more pain..obviously you are on the outside looking in, or else you have been cheated on yourself or you would understand.. not following your logic. Yep, I'm on the outside of the situation you've described, and I assume it was to get outsider's opinions that you shared your situation. Otherwise, what's the point? The original poster is long gone -- it's months old. You don't really think she's been waiting around all this time, do you? when you are in that position as I was in and you feel the hurt of being lied to just as much as the wife/husband..noone ever posts articles about "the other woman" ....are we not human.. Actually, yes they do. Peruse the archives. They don't tend to get much sympathy, bu why should they? If he had lied to you about his married status, THEN you'd have plenty of grounds for complaint. But you KNEW he was married. You KNEW he was a liar. What were you thinking? are we not allowed to have feelings of hurt and/or betrayal..we are ..just because we make mistakes and fall for someone that we should not have..why does that make us a bad person?? It doesn't just helps us to make better decisions next time.. Did I, or anyone else, say that you were a bad person? No. The worst thing I said was that you appear to be contemplating pulling a somewhat-psycho spurned lover move. And how would you describe it? I do stupid things all the time, but I don't consider myself to be a stupid person. I'm sorry if you came here looking for sympathy. You're probably not going to get much. But try taking a step back and looking at your situation without all the emotion you've got intertwined with it. You had reasons -- whatever they were -- for wanting to believe this guy's rubbish. Most people know that married men are a bad bet. Because a) they're married, and b) they're willing to cheat. The latter should have been a clue for you about this guy's level of honesty -- but YOU were willingly blind. You thought he wouldn't lie to you, right? And now you're hurt that it turns out that -- gasp! -- he did! You can walk away from this with plenty of lessons learned. My post and those that others have written are intended to help you get a grip on your situation. If you're obsessing over your lover's wife, I hate to break it to you but you don't have a good grip on the situation. Walk away from this. The guy was a liar and a cheat. You don't want that in your life. Why not work on yourself, so that you're no longer a cheat? You can pull good things out of this if you focus on finding out why you were involved in an affair with a married man. What were your reasons for cheating, and for buying a cock-and-bull story from a married man? Where do you want to go from here? What does your fiance want? Those are the important questions.
moimeme Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 noone ever posts articles about "the other woman" . Untrue. There's lots on LS. are we not allowed to have feelings of hurt and/or betrayal.. Sure. However you are not 'allowed' to take others down and cause them hurt out of vengeance. That's just mean-spirited and wrong. That you are in pain does not give you license to trample the feelings of a bunch of other people. Particulary when the pain is the consequence of your own foolish acts.
GeorgiaSongbird Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 well.... At the risk of getting flamed for my opinion..I think you should tell the W.. No matter what your motives are, I think she deserves to know.. at least she can go get herself tested and protect herself against only god knows he brought home to her. I would hate to think I was happy with my marriage and my husband while he was out porking some skank on the side and no one bothered to tell me.
Stangel311 Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 Ok My advice for what its worth is to not email his wife and tell her. Simple logic is she already realizes there is something wrong. Telling her isn't going to help you feel less hurt from the situation it is just going to make you feel more guilty. I understand too well the resentment you feel as I am in love with a married man myself and find myself jealous of HER. I know that isn't a reasonable thing to feel but I am very unreasonable at the moment. Mostly running on my emotions for the last year and not thinking very clearly. What ever you decide to do I hope you find peace within yourself soon. I find myself in a hell of my on making. I know what the solution is but I am not just not ready to make that move. Anyway good luck to you.
cenilla Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 Are you expecting his wife to e-mail back to your husband and tell him what you did?
trixie34 Posted November 11, 2003 Posted November 11, 2003 my b/f knows what I did..and I am dealing with it..but he wants me to be more apologetic about it then I can be..Yes, I admitted to everything when ?ed..I dont regret what I did..and I have no reservations about it..I did not come here looking for sympathy (as mentioned above)..I am not down on myself..I don't need to work on my self esteem..I don' t need therapy..I simply made a mistake..I have learned from it and me and the guy are still good friends..and we still talk every now and then..we were friends before this happened . I was trying to inform the original poster that I while I understood her position, I didn't think it was a good idea..
Shiraz Posted November 1, 2004 Posted November 1, 2004 I am OW Don't do it. I have the same thoughts. I have worse thoughts than you do. But don't do it. Remember we are the ones doing the wrong thing. (Plus the husband). DOn't hurt the married woman. THink of how she would feel, espcially if there are kids. You know what, I get such stupid thoughts on how to get rid of his wife. Just think....... What he does to her, he will do to you. He will never leave her. If he found out what you did, he will have nothing to do with you. Just think of how much that will hurt. When you get those thoughts, log onto this site, and talk to us. I know you can always use my shoulder. Sometimes, jsut venting your frustration, lonliness and hurt helps. Don't inflict pain on her. Now, you can throw these words back in my face please, when I'm having those feelings that you have right now.
chicothechimp Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 His wife should be told... and your man should be told so, too... sparing her the 'pain' from a hubby who is polluting their marriage with infidelity is noy giving her the choice to stay or leave. She should know. Good relationships are never be founded on dishonesty and pity. She needs all the facts to know if she can make a honest decision about what she will now do. Tell her. Chico
VivianLee Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 He (the other) has not had to endure one bit of punishment for his actions..he has lived his life like nothing happened and gets to be happy with his family that he tried so hard to make me believe was making him so unhappy..I felt hurt and used and I resented the fact that he later had bad things to say about me.. So since you don't feel he feels enough pain, you think inflicted some on his "innocent bystander" wife will help?? Help who? You? Leave her alone, it's not your business or place. Spend time making this up to your fiance', if your affair is over then you need to move on, again what this man and his wife does, is NONE of your business...
Owl Posted November 9, 2004 Posted November 9, 2004 You're not gonna like this.... But, you should get the heck outta the relationship with him, and insist that he tell his wife everything. The only chance that their marriage has is if they are completely honest with each other. If he can't, then he needs to leave her and let her find someone who will be. Everyone here is saying that you shouldn't ruin her life...too late friends....it happened the first time you crossed that line with him. And yes, you and him are both to blame for that. So, if you feel bad for what has happened and want to do right...make him be honest with her, and let them work through the process to determine if there is anything left of their marriage to salvage. I've been the BS in this situation...would it have hurt if the OM had come to me and told me what was going on?? Very much...but I suspected something was wrong before I caught them at it. The bottom line is this...they can't do ANYTHING to fix or dissolve their marriage until this is out in the open. So continuing to hide it would do nothing to fix the problem...it only lets it fester and grow. She probably knows there is something wrong, but doesn't know what. Getting it out in the open will get it addressed...one way or another. In my case, it was the lies and deception that hurt me as much as anything else...continuing them won't make it any better. Just my thoughts...good luck regardless.
Cariel Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Telling his wife may be a nice bit of revenge for you momentarily, but in the end the only thing you will ultimately accomplish will be making three people miserable, instead of just being miserable yourself. The old saw goes, "Misery loves company." Do you want to be a cliche? Probably not. The man and his wife will either work their problems out (or not) on their own terms, at their own time. THEIR relationship is not YOUR relationship with him. Obviously, your relationship with him is over. Let it go. Work on your own happiness. If you look for it honestly, you'll find it. For everyone else, when there are problems in a marriage there is more than one cause. There are at least two, to be precise. If each spouse devotes him/herself to the other, there will be no "wandering", no "affairs"...either emotional or physical. "Getting" that gold/silver/platinum band should not represent the zenith of a relationship...it should be only the beginning. After that, you must either grow together or grow apart.
sami Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Affairs usually come with heavy " Import & Export" duties. They are " Double-Jeopardy". They never come " Duty-free". That who is not ready to pay the heavy dues should not get involved. That is a basic law of nature which knows no exceptions. Even smart politicians or lawyers cannot play with it. Get ready, enjoy the ride, have fun, take the risk & pay the costs. Good luck.
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