I woke up to find him spooning and touching me: Is this cheating? Should I tell him?

[USABebe]

My bf and I started dating in October. It wasn't verbally exclusive until December, but there was always the unspoken trust between each other that we were only seeing the other. He and I were both out of town for the Christmas holidays, he in Florida, and I in Illinois. As sort of a mini vacation I stayed in a hotel with a male friend in Chicago and slept in the same bed with him. I had talked to my bf about this before it all happened, and he knew what was going on. He understood the friendship was entirely platonic and he trusted me. Everything came off without a hitch and we had a whole lot of fun in the city.

 

Then, we checked out and he stayed at my house for a few days afterwards. One night we both got rather drunk, and fell asleep in the same bed together. I didn't think it was a big deal seeing as how we slept in the same bed together in the hotel. Well, I woke up later on to find him spooning me. I was a little confused as to where I was and who with while still being slightly drunk. My friend started to touch my breast, then moved his hand down to my crotch and began to pet me. I was shocked and didn't move for about ten seconds. He, er, took the liberty of slipping a finger in, and I really woke up then. I stopped him, and led him stumbling toward a different bed. I then returned to my own bed, and fell asleep. He left that morning, and while we've talked since, we've never talked about what happened. I'm not sure if he even remembers.

 

This incident meant nothing to me. I was not attracted to this friend, and I felt very committed to my boyfriend. I never told him what happened because I didn't want him to needlessly worry or feel pain. I pushed the entire event from my mind, until recently. I was clearing out the garage and found a few things from Christmas. It jogged my memory, and I began to feel very guilty.

 

I didn't respond or encourage my friend's advance in any way. I feel only guilty for allowing it to go on for a good, 10-15 seconds. I know that the incident will again fade from my memory, but should I tell my boyfriend? I'm wondering if I owe it to him. He would feel very, very hurt, angry and probably betrayed. For something so small, is it worth causing a rift that probably would take a very long time to heal, if ever?

 

Although I didn't do anything, and stopped it my bf would probably still see it as and act of infidelity and being all my fault as well as lose his trust in me. I don't know what to do... I feel dirty Please help!

[niko1999]

I wouldnt tell him if I were you. Write it down somewhere that he wont find it, and leave it along your shelf of other memories that you wish to forget. You guys were drunk, did nothing, merely fell asleep, and your freind really may NOT remember what happened. So I dont think there is aneed to tell your boyfreind, and perhaps have him lose trust in you over soemthing that you didnt really do. Just be careful in the future.

[bryanp]

I believe you need to tell him. Look do you have honesty in your relationship or not. It was a mistake by you in putting yourself in this position and certainly the other guy for trying to do this to you while you were sleeping. Let me ask you this how would you feel if your boyfriend and another female friend who are just friends got drunk and he feel asleep and went to bed. Later this drunken female friend came into his bed while he was sleeping and started to go down on him for about 10 seconds until he woke up and immediately escorted our of his room? You would and should have a right to know this just like your boyfriend has a right to know this. These are both examples of nonconsensual cheating but nevertheless your boyfriend has a right to know what happened. He will be angry but he expects trust and honesty from you. The fact that you would withhold this information shows that you do not have trust in him enough and you have already started down the slippery slope of withholding information from him that as a boyfriend who is in an exclusive relationship with you has a right to know. You are devalueing your relationship already by not being open and honest with him. Again if the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest and forthright with you?

[MarieW]

You should not have been in the position in the first place. I have male friends too and shared a bed with one once when I was single, it was just a bit of comfort knowing someone was next to me, nothing happened and that was fine. But I would not do it now out of loyalty to my boyfriend.

Okay, you were sure nothing would happen between you and your friend, so much so that you even told your boyfriend what you were going to do...." I had talked to my bf about this before it all happened, and he knew what was going on. He understood the friendship was entirely platonic and he trusted me." Maybe it's just me but I can't imagine many men being content with their beloved sleeping in the same bed as another man!!!

But okay, it's happened now and I hope you learn from it. I wouldn't tell your boyfriend about it, what's the point? You didn't expect your friend to touch you but he did and you obviously feel guilty for putting yourself in that situation and maybe you feel you may alleviate the guilt by telling your bf. Maybe you will for a few seconds but all it will do is hurt him and make him very distrusting of you...that's if he stays with you when he knows.

And I would bring up that night with your male friend and make sure he knows that whilst you value his friendship, what he did was unacceptable and you won't be sharing a bed with him again.

Just my opinion.

Good luck!

[luvmyboys]

I would use this as a learning experience. Platonic friendship with the opposite sex and sharing a bed...well, why borrow trouble? As you found out, things kind of happen, and especially when you're drunk. I'm surprised your boyfriend didn't raise an eyebrow when you told him what you were planning even if he does trust you completely.

 

Should you tell him? Depends on how you think he'll take it. Actually, you were violated by this friend in the bed; I'm surprised you aren't more upset about that.

 

But if he was really okay with you sharing a bed with another man, even though platonic, do you think he'd even be surprised at what happened? Maybe not.

[Clancy]

Do not tell your boyfriend about this. The biggest mistake you made was sleeping in the same room, let alone bed, with this guy. Your boyfriend has to share some of the responsibility for what happened here too. He should never have agreed to your sharing a hotel room with the other guy even if the other guy was known to be a harmless sort.

 

Since you made the mistake of sleeping together in the same bed I'm not at all surprised at what happenned. Many, many women in the same situation have found themselves going all the way so you are to be commended for your self-discipline.

 

Just learn from this and don't place yourself in situations like this again. What actually happenned might make your boyfriend upset/hurt/angry etc but knowing about will not make things better for him at all. if he's like a lot of men he will just feel jealousy and constantly wonder if you ahd told him everything.

 

Let this go, don't ever write it down anywhere, tell no one, and put it out of your mind. Be good to your boyfriend.

[allofit44]

I am shocked at some of these responses, If the roles were revesed and it was a man in that position instead of a woman then everyone would be saying how much of a dirtbag he is for letting it happen and being in the bed with her in the first place. Yes you should tell him, he has a right to know, just as you would have a right to know if the roles were reversed. Fair is fair whether woman or man. I am a woman and I myself am saddened all too often by responses like the ones I have seen here, where woman want to believe they have some divine right to do bad things and not be held to the same degree a man would in the same situation. We want to be treated fair and with respect, well we need to be fair and give the same respect in return.

[Curt]

[color=red][font=arial](Curt clapping heartily in the background for allofit44's honest, moral, and ethical answer.)[/font][/color]

[Goatsbreath]

FIRST OFF- you say you led him stumbling toward a different bed so obviously there was not a shortage of beds at the time was there. So how is it you just happen to fall asleep together in the same bed. Your story is pathetic and I know your type. Maybe you were not interested in this friend but thats not what the situation was about. You like the attention, it feels good to know that somebody wants you, the more the better. You always need that reassurance dont you. Lets throw all the ingrediants into a bowl and see if you can get someones appetite going. Ofcourse you never planned to turn on the oven and hey, that makes you a betty crock of you know what.....................

 

OK- sorry, so this is how you should deal with it. Tell him and then look at yourself. Dont act like the victim either- "I was just sleeping and he," yada yada yada. Take Responsibility and admit that you placed your self into a bad situation and something happend because of it. I dont know that he will forgive you but you need to work on your self anyway. You will just Poison your life and everyones around you if you keep that stuff up.

 

Good LUck

[baycityroller]

What on earth are you doing in a relationship with someone if you're off sleeping in the same bed, on mini-vacations, with male friends, in hotels? Sounds pretty skanky to me. Unless you're totally clueless, you should have known better than to put yourself into a position where things could get out of hand. Not too many guys out there are going to handle being allowed to sleep in the same bed as their female friend and not get the hormones going, think about it. And the entire deal with you waking up to finding your friend spooning you, and fondling you, then fingering you, come on. Had you not enjoyed it, you would have immediately stopped him the very second you felt his hands on you, but you didn't. And don't blame it on the alcohol because I'm willing to bet you're old enough to know how stupid it is to let a male friend stay over, after having spent time together in a hotel bed, while both parties are drinking.

 

I would say what you did was definitely cheating because you intentionally put yourself into a position where nothing good could come from it, and nothing good did come from it. The fact that you would even sleep in the same bed with this friend of yours, on the numerous occasions you did, seems to me you were just messing with his head and hormones. Either you are really clueless or really really clueless.

[Goatsbreath]

On a side not, can I ask what you were wearing to bed. It seems that it was real easy for this guy to do all these things you said. Slip a finger in.....i mean you had to be almost naked to start with....hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[USABebe]

I obviously haven't checked the forum for a while, and I'm amazed at all the new responses I got. I feel the need to reply to some posts,

 

First off, I was wearing a t-shirt, not low cut, not clingy, just a bummy old PJ shirt, with a bra, and some PJ bottoms, shorts, not pants. It was very early morning, the sun was just coming up and we were lying down side by side talking to each other. Neither of us really meant to fall asleep, it just happened. Yes, there were other beds available, but to go to sleep was never the plan.

 

Anyway, I've realized that I was an idiot to allow anything to happen. I feel foolish for placing myself in that situation, and I don't really blame my friend. He may have sincerely thought somehow I led him on. I suppose just being friendly and treating a male friend like a female friend (to a certain extent) is too familiar.

 

And it was NOT skanky. My boyfriend and I each had to take our leave of each other for Christmas exodus, and I wanted to go to Chicago, so did my friend, and so it was economical that we should go together.

 

I did treat my boyfriend with respect, he knew about the trip, he knew it all beforehand. However, even though I was honest, I never should have done it. The relationship was young, I still "retained" my freedom, never claiming to be exclusive, and never acted on any horny feelings of my own towards anyone else, because I didn't have them.

 

I will not tell my boyfriend about this because it will cause him to worry needlessly. He'll constantly wonder if something else happened, which it didn't. I've stopped talking to this friend, I haven't been such a fool to put myself in any similiar situations, and I have remained faithful to my bf. Why bring something up that happened nearly a year ago, for no good reason?

 

Thank you everyone for responding though. It's interesting to hear the thoughts of others.

[bicyclejunk]

if you love him, don't tell him. The relationship was young, you were STUPID as hell and now you're a lot wiser.