I took my engagement ring off last night...

[princesssockhead]

Hello! I will try to keep this fairly condensed though there is a lot of back-story and history to this relationship. I just need some help to understand what I'm going through as I feel like a crazy lady right now because the emotions just keep bubbling up. Please help or offer your similar experiences and what you did to come out of them as a whole, healthy person.

 

I am a 24 year old woman who became engaged to a 29 year old man on New Years day 2008. We have been officially dating each other since New Years 2003, though we met a couple of months before then and were good friends. We moved in with each other fairly quickly about 2 months after declaring ourselves "Boyfriend & Girlfriend" and we've lived together ever since - so for about 5 years. We are both Cancers; very sensitive, emotional, family-driven people. Though he can be very emotionally detached and I can be WAY too melodramatic and emotional. This makes it hard to see the others point of view sometimes. Anyways, when he asked me to marry him on New Years, I was shocked but completely confident in saying Yes. I mean I had decided this was the man for me to grow old with at least several years before this point. We'd talked about marriage, raising our children, we have both integrated into each others families nicely, etc.

 

Anyhow, the last 4 months have been pretty bad to be blunt. We've always had certain cyclical problems that follow us around like a raincloud though. He has had legal problems (a drug felony he got when he was 19) as well as some emotional problems such as depression and this has made getting jobs and retaining them difficult for him. I have supported him for a majority of the time we've been together and I do have plenty of regrets about that. I'm a bit of a mommy-caretaker and I feel I've enabled him to continue relying upon someone else to basically do the dirty work of living for him. Me, on the other hand, I have pretty bad trust issues and still have a hard time trusting him completely after 5 years and despite his loyalty to our fidelity. My last relationship left me completely lost without a healthy core of self-esteem as I "let" my ex cheat on me at least 4 times before I left him. I was a baby back then (16-18 years old). Lastly, one of our biggest issues is healthy communication. He detaches from me, from the rest of reality, from his friends - very easily and I get passive-aggressive and let things boil up until I can't take it anymore and I explode all over him. He distinctly feels that I make him clean up the pieces of my emotional life.

 

Currently, I have been going to talk therapy since March '08 and have made a good deal of progress with this owning my own emotions. I've also worked on the trust issues and trying to NOT be such a caretaker, enabler. I have offered to pay for counseling for him, in hopes that it would help him realize his need to be his own person as well and face adult challenges like the rest of us. However, he hasn't been motivated to take me up on that offer at all. So instead we've spent the last 4 months or so - tip-toeing around each other trying to not cause conflict, not communicating, our sex life has diminished to maybe once a week or once every couple of weeks (it used to be every other day not but a year ago), and lastly, he has told me he is now questioning if he's even meant to be with me and he says he certainly knows that now is not the time to get married.

 

I agree wholeheartedly that now is not the time to get married. We aren't healthy and we cannot put forth the effort it takes to build a lasting marriage at this time. So we've agreed to kind of retrogress in our relationship and at the end of our lease, we are moving separately. I am moving back in with my parents, so I can finally save some money, and well he doesn't know what he will do. He says he can work and save up enough money to move in 2 months but I am doubtful as he hasn't made any efforts yet. Luckily, he has an older sister who might let him stay with she and her husband for a month, if need be.

 

Last night, after we got home from a wedding between our two friends who got engaged around the time we did, I broke down completely. I've gone through 2 of my friends weddings now in 2 weekends and I've just been miserable deep down at both weddings though extremely happy to see my friends so happy. It just breaks my heart though that I was at the very edge of that adventure. I decided to remove my engagement ring last night as I feel like it's holding onto a hope that may never pan out. I am devastated.

 

Why can't the love, support, and hope that I have for my man, not be reciprocated? I naturally look at myself and think I've done something wrong to not deserve that but my gut, my self-confidence tells me that I do deserve that just as anybody does. What should I do? I mean at this point - I am trying to let go yet maintain my love for him but give him the space he needs to figure things out for himself. Is this the best possible gift I can give him at this point? To just let go and see where this wild ride takes both of us?

 

Thank you for listening and helping me try to understand all of the complex emotions that rule my heart and head. My heart goes out to all of you for what you might be going through right now too.

[toughchoices]

I think you are acting with great maturity and foresight. It doesn't make the hurt any easier but you have time. My advice is to not rush into anything especially with the doubts you have. While your feelings for this man are strong the practical differences in what each of you needs and can provide in the relationship don't seem to be able to match. Good luck to you and I am sure other members will have much better and more detailed advice.

[jmargel]

I think the best possible gift is what you have been giving him. The opportunity to see a counselor to not only improve himself but the relationship with you. If he refuses to do this, then rest assured that the rest of your life with him will be like this. He will continue to rely on you for his every whim and survival and you will still feel empty and alone. As long as you continue to allow him to use you, he will.

 

This is due to his immaturity and unfortunetly there are situations where they need to lose the one they are with for them to realize what is important in life.

 

You can't control him, you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. You sound very intelligent and although you have a good head on your shoulders decisions like these are hard because they involve emotions and you will second guess yourself with the 'what ifs'.

 

I believe at this point you are doing everything you can for yourself. Personally I would give him one more option of counseling, let him know you are at the breaking point and you refuse for this to continue any longer the way it has been. If he still doesn't want to take you up on your offer, then you can leave without a guilty conscious. Granted he didn't cheat on you, but honestly that should be a given in a relationship, not something to be looked upon as a positive. You should be expected to be treated with respect, dignity, love and compassion. We truly don't know a person until we invest alot of time both phyiscally and emotionally and unfortunetly you had two bad experiences with them. Not all relationships are like this, and you will eventually come into one that will give everything you need.

[princesssockhead]

Toughchoices,

 

Trust me, any bit of advice or reassurance is valuable to me. Thank you for responding and trust me, I am going to take my time when it comes to such an important life change. My heart usually says rush into it but my head always listens to its own wisdom (which is typically inspired by others advice as well).

 

 

jmargel,

 

I think you're right about giving him one more chance to get his head straight. I think once I've moved in with my parents and he has a lot more space and time on his hands without me, he'll HAVE to seek support from somewhere else. Hopefully, he goes about it in the right way and seeks some sort of unbaised, medically sound advice from a counselor and not just his guy friends and his family. I do feel as though I've already offered him a very valuable gift as I have supported him and given him the freedom and time to come around but I suppose it could have worked against me and him as well. Sometimes people do need to have a drastic change/upheaval in their life to truly appreciate who they are and what others do for them. At this point, all I can ask for is that we both learn to love ourselves better and that he finds the love within himself to allow himself to be loved. Thank you so much for your kind and motivating words. I needed that!!

[jmargel]

Anytime That's what we are here for. Most of us have gone through some pretty rough stuff and if we can help others avoid the mistakes we made, then there was a purpose for why we went through what we did.

 

You definetly have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want. It's just a matter of going through with it now. I can tell you from experience, that the problems you have before marriage are magnified by ten afterwards. If he's this comfortable with you now to the point that he's taking you for granted, then after marriage will be worse.

 

Everyone wants to be respected in a relationship but they often don't know how to make that happen. You make that happen by not only treating the other with respect but by defining and setting boundaries on what you will and won't accept. When you start tolerating things that are uncomfortable for you, you are setting yourself up to be disrespected in the future.

 

As you can see by my post count i've been here for awhile. I can't tell you the countless times I've helped others when the main cause for the problems in the relationship was the immaturity, selfishness and disrespect that was in at least one of the spouses. The communication was also a big factor as well. When these start to happen, that's when the relationship falls apart.

 

Write back and give us an update on how things are going for you.

 

Jeff

[LakesideDream]

Hello! I will try to keep this fairly condensed though there is a lot of back-story and history to this relationship. I just need some help to understand what I'm going through as I feel like a crazy lady right now because the emotions just keep bubbling up. Please help or offer your similar experiences and what you did to come out of them as a whole, healthy person.

 

I am a 24 year old woman who became engaged to a 29 year old man on New Years day 2008. We have been officially dating each other since New Years 2003, though we met a couple of months before then and were good friends. We moved in with each other fairly quickly about 2 months after declaring ourselves "Boyfriend & Girlfriend" and we've lived together ever since - so for about 5 years. We are both Cancers; very sensitive, emotional, family-driven people. Though he can be very emotionally detached and I can be WAY too melodramatic and emotional. This makes it hard to see the others point of view sometimes. Anyways, when he asked me to marry him on New Years, I was shocked but completely confident in saying Yes. I mean I had decided this was the man for me to grow old with at least several years before this point. We'd talked about marriage, raising our children, we have both integrated into each others families nicely, etc.

 

Anyhow, the last 4 months have been pretty bad to be blunt. We've always had certain cyclical problems that follow us around like a raincloud though. He has had legal problems (a drug felony he got when he was 19) as well as some emotional problems such as depression and this has made getting jobs and retaining them difficult for him. I have supported him for a majority of the time we've been together and I do have plenty of regrets about that. I'm a bit of a mommy-caretaker and I feel I've enabled him to continue relying upon someone else to basically do the dirty work of living for him. Me, on the other hand, I have pretty bad trust issues and still have a hard time trusting him completely after 5 years and despite his loyalty to our fidelity. My last relationship left me completely lost without a healthy core of self-esteem as I "let" my ex cheat on me at least 4 times before I left him. I was a baby back then (16-18 years old). Lastly, one of our biggest issues is healthy communication. He detaches from me, from the rest of reality, from his friends - very easily and I get passive-aggressive and let things boil up until I can't take it anymore and I explode all over him. He distinctly feels that I make him clean up the pieces of my emotional life.

 

Currently, I have been going to talk therapy since March '08 and have made a good deal of progress with this owning my own emotions. I've also worked on the trust issues and trying to NOT be such a caretaker, enabler. I have offered to pay for counseling for him, in hopes that it would help him realize his need to be his own person as well and face adult challenges like the rest of us. However, he hasn't been motivated to take me up on that offer at all. So instead we've spent the last 4 months or so - tip-toeing around each other trying to not cause conflict, not communicating, our sex life has diminished to maybe once a week or once every couple of weeks (it used to be every other day not but a year ago), and lastly, he has told me he is now questioning if he's even meant to be with me and he says he certainly knows that now is not the time to get married.

 

I agree wholeheartedly that now is not the time to get married. We aren't healthy and we cannot put forth the effort it takes to build a lasting marriage at this time. So we've agreed to kind of retrogress in our relationship and at the end of our lease, we are moving separately. I am moving back in with my parents, so I can finally save some money, and well he doesn't know what he will do. He says he can work and save up enough money to move in 2 months but I am doubtful as he hasn't made any efforts yet. Luckily, he has an older sister who might let him stay with she and her husband for a month, if need be.

 

Last night, after we got home from a wedding between our two friends who got engaged around the time we did, I broke down completely. I've gone through 2 of my friends weddings now in 2 weekends and I've just been miserable deep down at both weddings though extremely happy to see my friends so happy. It just breaks my heart though that I was at the very edge of that adventure. I decided to remove my engagement ring last night as I feel like it's holding onto a hope that may never pan out. I am devastated.

 

Why can't the love, support, and hope that I have for my man, not be reciprocated? I naturally look at myself and think I've done something wrong to not deserve that but my gut, my self-confidence tells me that I do deserve that just as anybody does. What should I do? I mean at this point - I am trying to let go yet maintain my love for him but give him the space he needs to figure things out for himself. Is this the best possible gift I can give him at this point? To just let go and see where this wild ride takes both of us?

 

Thank you for listening and helping me try to understand all of the complex emotions that rule my heart and head. My heart goes out to all of you for what you might be going through right now too.

 

 

Well you certainly have the PoP Psycology angle covered. You have all the right words for his behavior. Presumably you have the ability to shine that back on yourself as well.

 

I also enjoyed the credence you placed on Astrology! Cancers eh?

 

It sounds like the root of the problem is not in Pop Psycology, talk therapy, or the Astral nothingness. The root seems to be basic immaturity, yours and his.

 

I can't blame you for not wanting to marry a guy who can't hold a job at 29 years of age. That alone would be a deal breaker for me. On the other hand why would you want to be someone's "mommie-caretaker"? That does not address the question of why he would want to marry his "mommie-caretaker".

 

Time to move on. You have experianced the exhiliration and drama of "taking your ring off". You obviously are no longer in love. Make it happen. You will have the support of your family and friends as your current BF has many bad qualities. Feed your ego and flatten him. Try and be honest with yourself. You aren't and won't be "devistated". You have been working up to this for six months now. For all the "we's" you typed in your post, it's been about you for a long time now. There is no blame or shame in that, your BF is immature, and irresponsible. The relationship was not going to last.

 

Advice: Stop holding on to what happened to you as a teenager. It is poisioning your thoughts now. And... forget about the Astrology stuff, it's no more than a fun hobby. It's not something a rational person bases their life on.

 

Find a new guy, with a job, maybe a career, wait a year to begin shacking up and talking marriage. It's probably good to steer clear of felons as well, unless you are specifically drawn to the "bad boy" type. In which case you are well and truely doomed.