lovexfading Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 I was really good friends with this guy in high school for 3 years, then we dated for the past year and we had a very sexual relationship. we just broke up about 3 weeks ago, and ive been having a hard time with it. we have kept talking throughout the breakup and are both single and havent been involved with anyone else. He is coming home for fall break next week. and wants to get together. He has mentioned that we could be friends with benefits. and has made it clear that he would like to continue to have sex...im torn because i know i might be hurting myself by letting this happen, because i am still in love with him? advice please:( Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 Oh, hell no!!! Why give him some of you - the sex part - if he's not interested in ALL of you - the brain, the heart, and the spirit part? You are right that it will be VERY VERY hard on you to have sex with him knowing he's not interested in you, just your vagina. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovexfading Posted September 29, 2008 Author Share Posted September 29, 2008 i understand i guess in the back of my mind i hope that we could get back together, we dated for quite awhile.. but i know if i continue to sleep with him i will just stay attached..its just hard. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 hell no, hell no,hell no....you mind as well tell someone to put trash on me and throw me away. You the booty chic.....why you want to do that. If he said I want to have a relationship....good I want to fu you...not good Dont be stupid Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 The one thing I can guarantee is that you will NOT get back together if you have sex with him. He'll just use you for the sex and then leave and that will be that, until the next time he comes back home and wants some sex. What incentive does he have to get back together if he can have sex with you anytime he wants anyway? Please don't think that he will be so swept away by how wonderful you are and how wonderful the sex is that he will want to get back together. Not true. He already knows how wonderful you are and how wonderful the sex is and he already chose to break up with you despite all the wonderfulness. All this fwb thing is for him is easy sex without strings and expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 i understand i guess in the back of my mind i hope that we could get back together, we dated for quite awhile.. but i know if i continue to sleep with him i will just stay attached..its just hard. Tell him okay you will but dont tell him when. Then do what you want to do in the relationship and keep him waiting and waiting and waiting. If he takes you out, spends time with you, does quality things and treats you right for about 3 month then maybe. Dont get used Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovexfading Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 isnt the problem with FWB that one of the people falls for the other one, adn then someone gets hurt..i guess in my case im already in love with him and im just prolonging getting over him, by continuing to sleep with him. its all just really confusing to me...because one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he said that the relationship was mostly sex and he wanted more...but yet now thats still what he wants after were not together... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 isnt the problem with FWB that one of the people falls for the other one, adn then someone gets hurt..i guess in my case im already in love with him and im just prolonging getting over him, by continuing to sleep with him. its all just really confusing to me...because one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he said that the relationship was mostly sex and he wanted more...but yet now thats still what he wants after were not together... He makes perfect sense. He likes having sex with you - that is great and he enjoys it...he didn't break up with you because the sex was bad between you. But, he's saying that good sex is ALL that is good between you; he wants more out of a committed relationship with a gf than just sex. Meaning, he's not in love with you and he doesn't feel an emotional or intellectual connection with you, just physical. So, since he has broken up with you and isn't your bf, he's suggesting fwb because he does like the sex, and fwb is really only about sex. There are a lot of problems with fwb for exes. Especially when you are in love with him and want him back. You are already hurt and will continue to be hurt - and also insulted, because the only thing he wants from you is sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Narf Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I was really good friends with this guy in high school for 3 years, then we dated for the past year and we had a very sexual relationship. we just broke up about 3 weeks ago, and ive been having a hard time with it. we have kept talking throughout the breakup and are both single and havent been involved with anyone else. He is coming home for fall break next week. and wants to get together. He has mentioned that we could be friends with benefits. and has made it clear that he would like to continue to have sex...im torn because i know i might be hurting myself by letting this happen, because i am still in love with him? advice please:( Dont do it!!! Ill tell you a little bit of my story... B/f dumped me but we kept talking... After a few weeks with me being confused with what he wanted and why he kept talking we started sleeping together at first it was fun we did hang out a little bit but mostly it was just sleeping with each other...because it happened so fast after being dumped and even thou i knew we werent in a relationship it still felt like nothing had really changed.. Yes less talking but that was ok i still had him... It still felt like he was mine... that was until he started talking to other girls (i had no say over it cause we werent together) and then he dumped me again without warning when i thought everything was great...To me it was even better then the actual relationship cause it felt like pressure was off and it was more fun... He didnt see it that way... The second time being dump was so much worse then the first cause he got everything he wanted and i had no say... i just didnt want him to go... but go he did... and it hurt like hell My advice dont get in the situation!! please please please for your own good dont do it! If you want him back let him miss ALL of you! and if that is what he wants... he will come back... Dont give him what he wants cause he will just take and take and it will gradually start to effect your self esteem and self worth... You are more then sex... You are worth so much more... It may seem like a good idea but it isnt! Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 You need to talk to him about this and set ground rules. Yes, you are more than sex. He needs to appreciate you and you him. Open a dialog with him, discuss what you feel and think and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
BoerumHill Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 From the male perspective... My ex- and I did this for a long time. Pro: none of the hassle of being in a committed, caring relationship where two people love, respect and admire one anotherCon: none of the love, respect and mutual admiration two people have for one another in a committed, caring relationshipI actually don't need to do a point-by-point list; several gals have given you good solid advice. For the fellas who wander along and read this: it was amazing sex. Had always been pretty good, but outside the respectful boundaries of a potential lifetime commitment, we took it to a different level. It was like being with an on-demand porn queen, and we were both completely inhibited. Just ask yourself how important a 30 second orgasm is in the grand scheme of things. If you were the dumper, cool beans, get it while you can. If you were the dumpee, you're an idiot asking for more heartbreak, and all you are doing is delaying the healing process. With respect to the OP hoping this would lead to reconnecting or a second chance...anything is possible, but I would put the odds at around 1% or less. You're basically selling out, letting him know he doesn't have to work for anything, he doesn't need to respect you (nor you him), because at the end of the day, it's just about getting ****ed, nothing more, nothing less. Sorry...crude and harsh version...but oh so true. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I say it's not a good idea if you are still in love with him.. it's OK if no one wants commitment.. and just want the fun part. (sex)... My last ex was the first one to call me back.. he also wanted to have the sex we once had.. At first I said no.. but eventually... him insisting.. I finally gave in.. but under MY conditions... (I knew I was totally over him)... I wanted a 'friend with benefit$' type of arrangement.. he agreed.. I was/am single, he had a gf.. he's now married.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 isnt the problem with FWB that one of the people falls for the other one, adn then someone gets hurt..i guess in my case im already in love with him and im just prolonging getting over him, by continuing to sleep with him. Yes, that is exactly the problem, and it seems like you see it clearly. FWB only "works" in a certain fairly constrained situation where both people can avoid being emotionally involved. You would be entering the situation with that burden already in place. It seems likely that you would be taking steps backward, instead of moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Oh, hell no!!! Why give him some of you - the sex part - if he's not interested in ALL of you - the brain, the heart, and the spirit part? You are right that it will be VERY VERY hard on you to have sex with him knowing he's not interested in you, just your vagina. norajane is SPOT on again ! As were all the other posters here who said... NO NO NO. I tried that too ( fwb with ex _ , and then one day , poof , he met someone else and it was over. Of course that was 4 years ago and I don't advocate FWBS anymore. Live and learn... Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineGirlMo Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Hi all, I'm new to the forum but this post caught my eye because I lived in this situation for a while. My ex, I just knew. I knew how much I loved him and love can make a person give in to temptation SO easily. I have to warn you that friends with benefits with someone you love is SOOO painful. I went through that for 3 years, but it isn't impossible. My ex and I are happily back together, and it makes the last 3 years so worth it that I'd go through it all over again. Trust your heart. Mine told me to stick with him, and I was right. Link to post Share on other sites
i11 Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 I suggest you could go to the coping-subforum, see what people are discussing there. Make good use of No Contact method to let yourself recover from the breakup. Never get back to him ever again, unless you wanted to get hurt again and again. Link to post Share on other sites
lakerlover Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 you are right, if you have sex with him, you will probably end up hurt. Try telling him how you feel about him, and let him know that you feel sex would be a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
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