Wife Wants To Go

[rangerbob]

Hello,

 

I've been married 8 yrs to (up to now) a great woman and have 2 kids, 4 and 2. Life was good but the stress of having kids and 2 yrs of horrible financial/job stress have really broken our relationship. I'll be the first to admit that she was crying for love over that time and I wasn't listening. We were transmitting on two different frequencies. I own that and am devastated I caused her such anguish in this area. But for the one area in which I've failed in the last few years there are many, many others where I have succeeded--but those don't seem to count for much right now.

 

She says I'm the perfect guy but that she doesn't love me anymore. She took a trip to her home country in Latin America over the summer, where she was attracted to another guy. Nothing happened physically but there was certainly emotional adultery. She didn't come back the same woman who left.

 

She can't be with this guy--she admits that--he can't even support himself. But that hasn't changed the no-love equation. She says she desperately wants to fall in love with me again but won't come with me to marriage counseling. She says she can't just order her heart to love me. (Why not try it and see what happens, methinks.) She says she'll hang around a year or so and see if the feelings kick in, otherwise she'll separate (presumably divorce later?). Of course there's no intimacy--emotionally or physically. She is friendly but not intimate. She is very self-focused at this point--not paying any attention to normal day-to-day responsibilities, preferring just to enjoy herself doing whatever she wants.

 

There's a rebellion/freedom element writ large here. I'm also convinced there's a lot of cultural push-back. Life in the Latin American middle class is different than here. Down there middle class women (or men) don't have to do the messy work of day-to-day living. They pay some desperately poor person to do all that. Of course here men and women share the not-so-fun domestic responsibilities. I'm really wondering if what's going through her head isn't something like "You're just not worth the sacrifice any more."? At the same time she'll say things like "I'll never find a guy as wonderful and amazing as you." (I guess it's clear reason has nothing to do with matters of the heart.)

 

I've been showing her lots of attention over the last 3 wks after she got back and tried to pour on the love but noted that some people advocate a reverse psychology and agree with her decision to separate--even facilitate it--essentially take charge of the game and call her bluff by pushing the situation forward. Sounds dangerous but it does make some sense.

 

I want her heart back and love her completely, but I also don't want to be a sniveling idiot and be torn in pieces emotionally if she doesn't decide to come around at some point. I'm also troubled by the possibility that even if she did--what would prevent someone apparently this loosely attached from going through this again later--when I'm 10 yrs older and less eligible?

 

What happens to the kids if we separate just kills me inside. Honestly the best thing for them right now would be to return to Latin America with their mom. She is a good mom and down there there's a whole "village" of family to help raise them. I'd be here alone and have little choice but to plop them in 8-6 commercial day care. At least there they'd be with family all the time. It seems best for them but it kills me that I'd only occasionally and periodically see my kids again.

 

My head just spins and I'm surely losing my sanity. I've certainly heard of women leaving their men for infidelity, or alcoholism, or some other kind of failing. Don't doubt that's just as hard, but I do understand it. I'm sorry but this "falling out of love" stuff seems unjustified to me. All relationships have ups and downs emotionally and most suffer hard times in life. Love is a commitment not an emotion.

 

I really, really do want to be in a loving relationship with her again. Not like before but better. I firmly believe that is possible and will do what it takes. But none of that means jack if she doesn't want to help.

 

RB

 

ps. Can someone out there with experience in the area of separation comment on it? To me it just seems like prolonged time apart is a purgatory which leads to an ultimate and ever-likely divorce. Is that true? Does separation serve any positive hope of bringing two people back together or is it better just to be done with it?

[Nomad1]

Based on experience and those of others, the key factor is likely to be someone else. People only question their love for the husband or wife when a third party is in the mix.

 

There is not an awful lot you can do but let her go.

 

Nomad1

[Owl]

OK...so she's agreed to stay for a year to see if the feelings kick back in...that's a decent start.

 

But...here's the thing. If she's in ANY contact of ANY kind with her latin-lover boy, then it will NOT work.

 

She has to end ALL contact with him...completely. PERIOD. No email/IM/phone/etc...nada.

 

Any kind of contact will be a huge, huge road block to recovering her feelings for you.

 

Also...on the marriage counseling thing. You need to set down a firm boundary with her. She wants to 'stay for a year and see what happens'...well...that's bulldoody. She needs to do her PART in rebuilding...she can't just sit on her duff, let you do all the work...and then see what happens.

 

Make it clear....its counseling, its no contact...or its clear she's not trying at all, and she's out on her duff with nothing.

 

I know...it doesn't sound very loving. Read Dobsen's book on tough love. Sometimes you really have to set boundaries, or you'll just get walked all over.

 

Give this some thought...don't dismiss it out of hand.

[lkjh]

Im sorry to say this but a woman is just going to uproot her family over nothing. Ahe most likely did other things with this guy and shes not telling you. Your story is the exact same as one that was on here a year ago, here is the link

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133240/

[Maladjusted]

I agree with the other posters. If she isn't doing anything to help bring things back where they need to be, then that should tell you that there is something else going on with someone else.

 

Trust me on this one because I just went through the same damn thing.

 

You don't just sit there and "wait" for love to come back. You have to work for it.

 

Also, don't let your kids get raised in some Latin American village. Do you want them to have the same values she has?

[LostHusband]

You can't hope to keep her around a year or so and hope that her love will come back. It just doesn't seem to work that way. You can have the best year of your life with her, but it won't make her fall back in love with you again - been there done that. Keep her around and enjoy it while you can though, it will just hurt more later when she finally does leave. At this point the only small sliver of hope you have is to move on and maybe she will see you in a new light some day and fall back in love with you, then she'll be the one chasing you. (Like I said - a SMALL SLIVER of that happening, but still better than trying to win her back by smothering her with kindness).

[In Like Flynn]

Make sure she is not just using that year to prepare for her single life!!! If she will not but a honest effort into restoring the marriage and/or her feelings for you then divorce is the option. When faced with the finality of it and the negative financial aspects....you would be amazed at how this can impact the WS's motivation to repair the marriage. Don't help her separate...help her restore the marriage. She has to honestly decide which way she is going to put her effort into. All or nothing!!

[TrustInYourself]

I faced separation and overcame. My marriage is intact and fairly happy, lol.

 

It's really a matter of perspective and action.

 

She feels differently. The passion is gone! Is that the end? Not at all.

 

Everything can be rekindled.

 

We are imperfect people. We all have faults. Studying what went wrong is not the key to rebuilding that passion. You know what went wrong. Take action to correct or end that behavior.

 

Remembering what went right is the key. Rebuilding that fire is key. Why did this woman find you 100% completely irresistable that she decided that you were worth marrying. Asking her now, she's going to give you a reflection that's based on her current perception of your marriage. People reflect on the past based on current emotional perspective. You feel like hell when you think on someone now, you're going to think back to the times that were hell with that person. It's called "emotional recollection".

 

This plays a part into why people end marriages after affairs. They feel "emotionally changed". They feel "different". It's not because they have changed, as much as it is their emotional perception on the entire relationship has to fit their current emotional perspective. Justification, rationalization, and just plain selfishness will allow them to "repaint" thier marriage into an experience of pain and suffering. They only remember and are willing to see, "the worst parts" of the marriage rather than the good.

 

So what role do you play? Where do you stand.

 

You have to make a decision. What do you want. How far are you willing to go to achieve what you want. How willing are you to put yourself and your children above your desire for your wife. It's a desire, not a need. Until you are willing to completely turn your back and liberate yourself, you will be incapable of playing on the same field as your wife.

 

I'm not telling you to discard your emotions. I'm telling you to control them. Control the situation. Control your emotions. Play it cool. Rationally approach the situation. Own the situation.

[husbndinthemaking]

I've been married 8 yrs to (up to now) a great woman and have 2 kids, 4 and 2. Life was good but the stress of having kids and 2 yrs of horrible financial/job stress have really broken our relationship. I'll be the first to admit that she was crying for love over that time and I wasn't listening. We were transmitting on two different frequencies. I own that and am devastated I caused her such anguish in this area. But for the one area in which I've failed in the last few years there are many, many others where I have succeeded--but those don't seem to count for much right now.

 

Yep. Sounds familar...

 

She says I'm the perfect guy but that she doesn't love me anymore. She took a trip to her home country in Latin America over the summer, where she was attracted to another guy. Nothing happened physically but there was certainly emotional adultery. She didn't come back the same woman who left.

 

LOL. She doesn't love you anymore? I love that line... Go on...

 

She can't be with this guy--she admits that--he can't even support himself. But that hasn't changed the no-love equation. She says she desperately wants to fall in love with me again but won't come with me to marriage counseling. She says she can't just order her heart to love me. (Why not try it and see what happens, methinks.) She says she'll hang around a year or so and see if the feelings kick in, otherwise she'll separate (presumably divorce later?). Of course there's no intimacy--emotionally or physically. She is friendly but not intimate. She is very self-focused at this point--not paying any attention to normal day-to-day responsibilities, preferring just to enjoy herself doing whatever she wants.

 

What do you do from day to day? Run down a typical day with for me. I need to know this.

 

There's a rebellion/freedom element writ large here. I'm also convinced there's a lot of cultural push-back. Life in the Latin American middle class is different than here. Down there middle class women (or men) don't have to do the messy work of day-to-day living. They pay some desperately poor person to do all that. Of course here men and women share the not-so-fun domestic responsibilities. I'm really wondering if what's going through her head isn't something like "You're just not worth the sacrifice any more."? At the same time she'll say things like "I'll never find a guy as wonderful and amazing as you." (I guess it's clear reason has nothing to do with matters of the heart.)

 

This is called "emotional confusion". Do not worry. This can be changed in time.

 

I've been showing her lots of attention over the last 3 wks after she got back and tried to pour on the love but noted that some people advocate a reverse psychology and agree with her decision to separate--even facilitate it--essentially take charge of the game and call her bluff by pushing the situation forward. Sounds dangerous but it does make some sense.

 

Absolutley. Let me tell you this. Right now, she is right, and you are wrong in every way. Who says so?!?! She does. She is emotionally disconnected from you and doesn't know what to do. Well, lucky for you, I do. Let's read on...

 

I want her heart back and love her completely, but I also don't want to be a sniveling idiot and be torn in pieces emotionally if she doesn't decide to come around at some point. I'm also troubled by the possibility that even if she did--what would prevent someone apparently this loosely attached from going through this again later--when I'm 10 yrs older and less eligible?

 

Sniveling idiot??? I am not sure what you mean by this. Man, you need to get your power back quickly if you are to get her back.

 

Listen, you will live with or without her. Hell... you may even find a much better looking, smarter girl in the future. You never know. NEVER be scared of losing her! This will only hurt your chances of getting her back.

 

Your want her back? Treat her like gold. Remember when you first met? Remember how you opened the door for her when she got into a car? Gave her your coat when she was cold?

 

You need to think like this again. I will be waiting on your daily agenda....

 

What happens to the kids if we separate just kills me inside. Honestly the best thing for them right now would be to return to Latin America with their mom. She is a good mom and down there there's a whole "village" of family to help raise them. I'd be here alone and have little choice but to plop them in 8-6 commercial day care. At least there they'd be with family all the time. It seems best for them but it kills me that I'd only occasionally and periodically see my kids again.

 

Kids need to stay our of this. Do not include them in your discussions on your marriage.

 

My head just spins and I'm surely losing my sanity. I've certainly heard of women leaving their men for infidelity, or alcoholism, or some other kind of failing. Don't doubt that's just as hard, but I do understand it. I'm sorry but this "falling out of love" stuff seems unjustified to me. All relationships have ups and downs emotionally and most suffer hard times in life. Love is a commitment not an emotion.

 

Wrong. Love is a series of emotions cared for at the right time. There is no guarantee that someone will love you forever. Just because your married doesn't mean you are guarnateed a life with them. Go to zaxxes.com for additional help.

 

I really, really do want to be in a loving relationship with her again. Not like before but better. I firmly believe that is possible and will do what it takes. But none of that means jack if she doesn't want to help.

 

RB

 

Then you have alot of work to do.

 

ps. Can someone out there with experience in the area of separation comment on it? To me it just seems like prolonged time apart is a purgatory which leads to an ultimate and ever-likely divorce. Is that true? Does separation serve any positive hope of bringing two people back together or is it better just to be done with it?

 

Seperation will do nothing for you unless you learn how to stop this from happening. There are ways to fix this marriage if you are willing to do so.

[rangerbob]

Thanks for the feedback ya'll. It's a real struggle and it's very supportive to know others have come through similar circumstances.

 

I especially agree the posters who said I need to gain some power in this situation. I am working my way towards peace with the idea that life will be ok (who knows, perhaps better) if we don't work out. That doesn't change my desire to make it work, but it gives me a lot of strength to deal with whatever her ungrounded emotions are doing.

 

Part of that is coming to terms with the kids. Granted they're not part of the relationship difficulties, as one poster noted, but until I'm prepared to let them go emotionally I'll be stuck, so I'm working my way there too. Sure it would be best if we all stayed together in a loving family, but "staying to gether for the kids" doesn't really help the kids.

 

She's agreed to come with me to counseling in a couple weeks, which is a positive and necessary step. I don't for a moment have faith that her feelings will magically work themselves out without some help and work on both our parts.

 

I continue to treat her like gold. That's a hard road because for now I don't get anything back and I've got emotions too, y'know? But this is a marathon not a sprint, so I'm willing to be patient here as long as she participates in the relationship-rebuilding process.

 

TrustInYourself, you mentioned rebuilding the fire. Any insight how I might approach this, especially if she's chilly to romantic stuff? We did have a close and loving relationship a few years back, but you're 100% right--it's all colored by different glasses now and to hear her tell it we were marginal from the get-go.

 

I do think she still loves me--just lost the emotions. She sometimes makes little comments that say she wants me to know she's my one-and-only. I profusely agree, of course, but it makes me wonder--if she were completely dead emotionally, why would she care?

 

rb

[husbndinthemaking]

Thanks for the feedback ya'll. It's a real struggle and it's very supportive to know others have come through similar circumstances.

 

I especially agree the posters who said I need to gain some power in this situation. I am working my way towards peace with the idea that life will be ok (who knows, perhaps better) if we don't work out. That doesn't change my desire to make it work, but it gives me a lot of strength to deal with whatever her ungrounded emotions are doing.

 

Part of that is coming to terms with the kids. Granted they're not part of the relationship difficulties, as one poster noted, but until I'm prepared to let them go emotionally I'll be stuck, so I'm working my way there too. Sure it would be best if we all stayed together in a loving family, but "staying to gether for the kids" doesn't really help the kids.

 

She's agreed to come with me to counseling in a couple weeks, which is a positive and necessary step. I don't for a moment have faith that her feelings will magically work themselves out without some help and work on both our parts.

 

I continue to treat her like gold. That's a hard road because for now I don't get anything back and I've got emotions too, y'know? But this is a marathon not a sprint, so I'm willing to be patient here as long as she participates in the relationship-rebuilding process.

 

TrustInYourself, you mentioned rebuilding the fire. Any insight how I might approach this, especially if she's chilly to romantic stuff? We did have a close and loving relationship a few years back, but you're 100% right--it's all colored by different glasses now and to hear her tell it we were marginal from the get-go.

 

I do think she still loves me--just lost the emotions. She sometimes makes little comments that say she wants me to know she's my one-and-only. I profusely agree, of course, but it makes me wonder--if she were completely dead emotionally, why would she care?

 

rb

 

I do not think he means romantic stuff right now. I thnk he means to rebuild your relationship first. Romantic stuff will just confuse her even more now. Once she starts to come back around a bit, then cook a romantic candlelight dinner with some soft music and no kids. I used the zaxxes.com system. Best of luck to you.

[Gunny376]

I think that you have to look at the macro and the micro of the situation. For any and every given couple, its all the same but different in each and every situation ~ and so you can't just throw out a one-all-cure-all soultioin ~ a pancea if you were for each and evey situation and couple. Because there isn't ond.

 

To the OP, you've alluded to her being Latino and from a Thrid World Country, and so I'm assuming she's Latino and of the Catholic faith ~ and so you've got that working for you.

 

The first thing you need to work on before wining and dinning is communication, and thus the first thing you need to come to grips with is the differnece in men's and women's communication styles.

 

Women worldwide typically use twice as many words per day as men. Men use abouy 2000 to 3000 words per day, while women use twice as many. I believe the Eskimo's have over twenty-six words to describe the word "white" and African-Americans have many words to describe the word "black" than your typical "white" American.

 

Its just something that never crosses our minds.

 

Communication is somethng that we just take for granted, but is a very complicated subject.

 

We often hear "What or you implying!" But, we seldom hear the phrase "What or you inferring" The difference is what you "hear" from another is what they're saying, but what is coming from their mouths is what they are actually saying. (Or trying to say to you)

 

This get crossed up across social-cultuaral lines as well as gender lines.

 

A good basic book to read without getting to muddled on the subject would be "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes"

 

Should you want to go deeper into the subject, other good 'reads' would be GenderSpeak" and "You Just Don't Understand!"

 

Once you got a basic grasp on the communication wars, and are back to wooing her back, I would recommend "Light Her Fire" and "How Can We Light Our Fire When The Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

Husbandinthenaking is going to direct you toward the McDonalds stuff, (Good read, but not the end all to end all ~ take from it what you will and can use but in and in itself is not the solution nor the answer to the problem,) The answer to the question and the solution to the problem is that there ISN'T one! And you will drive yourself absolutly MAD trying to find one!

 

HusbandIntheMaking (Henceforth HITM) is right in that there's IS no such thing as "True everlasting Love" nor "The One"

 

And he's right in that~ "What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her!

 

The simple truth is we're going by 10,000 year old rules in a 21st century. Until we wake up to that fact? Its not going to be anything but heartache and mssery'!