Beautiful people and lonliness

[Geneva]

More often than not I've heard many above-average people talking about how lonely they are and it has me thinking: Why are above-average people often so lonely?

 

I'm not talking about just good-looking and completely vapid Paris Hilton Wanna-Bes. I'm talking about good looking people who are very polite, kind to others, have goals for their lives, are educated and interesting people. Why is it they are always seem to be so lonely? Why is it they always seem to have the most problems getting a serious relationship or anyone interested? Why do people often blow them off when they try to talk to them?

 

What is it about them that makes general society seem to shun them?

[Nemo]

Because they are scared that they're only valued for their looks, and people don't see beyond skin-deep. As an ugly person myself, if somebody tells me that I rock their world, I know they're seeing the real me (unless they have some strange fetish for huge noses, and buck teeth).

 

Even if you are beautiful, there is somebody who is more. It's an insecurity thing. To top it all off, beauty fades with time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time, but the law of gravity eventually prevails.

[Geneva]

But if that person has done many interesting things in their life and has plenty of smarts to fall back on when the beauty does fade...why do they often have such trouble getting real friends or even people interested in them beyond a 'omg s/he is so hot I wanna bang them!!'

 

It doesn't make sense to me. If someone is beautiful and interesting, you would think people would be drawn to them rather than not wanting to talk to them, you know?

[Nemo]

Yeah, maybe you have a point. I get intimidated by beautiful and interesting people, so I'm probably not the best person to ask.

[Ocean-Blue]

But if that person has done many interesting things in their life and has plenty of smarts to fall back on when the beauty does fade...why do they often have such trouble getting real friends or even people interested in them beyond a 'omg s/he is so hot I wanna bang them!!'

 

It doesn't make sense to me. If someone is beautiful and interesting, you would think people would be drawn to them rather than not wanting to talk to them, you know?

 

Why should a beautiful person necessarily be able to draw people in? Perhaps it's the sense of entitlement that turns people off?

[Geneva]

Why would you get intimidated? Especially if they are nice?

 

Why should a beautiful person necessarily be able to draw people in? Perhaps it's the sense of entitlement that turns people off?

 

I didn't mean it the way I think you think I mean it. Just...you know, someone who is both very pleasing to look at and has done many interesting things in their life I would think would attract people easily because of their personable nature.

[Eve]

More often than not I've heard many above-average people talking about how lonely they are and it has me thinking: Why are above-average people often so lonely?

 

 

My daughter and I were discussing the other day how a persons looks can make or break them within society. We came to the conclusion that certain attributes do make it easier for a person to integrate into various work systems etc but that it was all pretty superficial at times. We also noted (just by observing strangers walking together) how there seems to be a tendancy for people to make friends with those who are like them in many ways. Maybe we are just drawn to what we know?

 

As for the lonliness side to things I think that 'beautiful people' may have less options because people sometimes are so in awe of their qualities that they are not taken seriously. Then again this cant be true for all people as such. Still, I do think that life is what you make it and beauty can exist in even the most physically ugly people (ugly as in terms of how society generally sees beauty) Personally I think that lonliness is a valid aspect of life and what a person does at such times speaks volumes as to how they really treat themselves. I think that it is important to know how to just 'be with yourself' and not worry about what other people are thinking. I wish they had taught me more about such interpersonal issues whilst I was little and at Primary School!

[Ocean-Blue]

Why would you get intimidated? Especially if they are nice?

 

 

 

I didn't mean it the way I think you think I mean it. Just...you know, someone who is both very pleasing to look at and has done many interesting things in their life I would think would attract people easily because of their personable nature.

 

Well beauty is subjective, so perhaps this person isn't all that beautiful after all. I find it difficult to understand how an attractive person with a solid personality and grounded life can have a problem attracting people. It doesn't make sense. Something is off.

[Geneva]

I find it difficult to understand how an attractive person with a solid personality and grounded life can have a problem attracting people. It doesn't make sense.

 

Me too. I can't wrap my head around it, hence why I asked here.

[Ocean-Blue]

I find it difficult to understand how an attractive person with a solid personality and grounded life can have a problem attracting people. It doesn't make sense.

 

Me too. I can't wrap my head around it, hence why I asked here.

 

Are you talking about your current personal situation, Geneva?

[Nemo]

, I do think that life is what you make it and beauty can exist in even the most physically ugly people

That's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

[Geneva]

Are you talking about your current personal situation, Geneva?

 

Hah, no. Okay, I guess I am being a little cryptic. Allow me to explain the situation a little more clearly. Hold on while I post (sorry, it'll be a little long).

[Geishawhelk]

To be honest? Gonna stick my neck out and lay it on the block here....

 

I live in the UK, so I can only talk about the people I am familiar with.

And unfortunately, I see a society whose main attitude is "What's in it for me?"

I also live in a society that seems dominated by a "Yoof caulcha" (that's 'youth culture') where the majority seem to be between 15 and 19, with an attitude that the world owes them something for no input, eduction is a waste of time, innit, and life is all about what 'I want' and "don't nobody get in mah way b'cos I will put you down, bruvva".....

My partner is a Law student in University and truly, he despairs of the new students joining this year. As a senior, 3rd-year student, he has been appointed University Ambassador, and he's shocked to see the way some new students dress, speak and write.

So there seems to be a dearth of people out there out to make the most of everything for as little effort as possible.

 

Therfore, the members of society who are bright, gifted, intelligent, sociable, likeable, generous, intellectual and interesting - are also in the minority.

They're unusual.

And people mistrust the unusual.

They mock or ignore that which they do not understand.

 

Ergo, such people find themselves isolated.

 

But that's only one individual point of view.

[Geneva]

I have a friend I have grown up with most of my life, we met in Kindergarten and have been very close to ever since. I've seen her through the best of her life and the worst times and I know her like the back of my hand. She is a very kind, beautiful and insanely smart person. I don't live near her anymore, but we keep in contact via the Internet and phone.

 

 

Earlier tonight, I get a text from her. She is signed with Elite Model Management and is currently in Paris working at Fashion Week and I told her to keep me posted on everything (as I am fashion freak). I was expecting to hear something amazing, and yet I get this message that she's at an after party and has never felt more alone in a crowd full of people. She didn't allow me to call her because of the time difference.

 

 

Looking back, I've realized she's always had these sort of problems. Forgive me for not giving her real name, but I don't think she'd want me to say it, especially considering her line of work; so we'll call her Mary.

 

 

While Mary has had many guys after her, I've noticed the trend of guys would be very bad for her (this is something she has noticed as well), as they are players, old men looking for a confidence boost or those with low self-esteem. Mary is very smart, I mean, she astounds me with how smart she is; she's traveled the world both by her work and on her own; she loves to learn and is always watching the History Channel or Discovery Channel, she's extremely polite, and very kind to everyone she meets. However, the friends that she has (besides me and a couple others that grew up with her) aren't exactly the best. They are the dictionary example of 'fair-weather friends': she gives and gives but they won't return.

 

 

Why doesn't she get better friends? She's tried. It seems like all the good, true people out there simply don't have any extra room for a friend, as they have all they need. Also, she normally doesn't tell people what her job is, because she is often judged upon it (or people just want to be friends with 'The face of (insert campaign here)'. She just usually says she works with clothes when asked what she does.

 

 

Then there are guys. I've been with Mary many times when she sees a guy she's interested in: she's really attracted to nerdy, quirky kind of guys. She likes the off-beat kind of person. And yet, when she is trying to talk to them, she is constantly rejected even if the guy is single. I remember one time she simply asked a guy if it was okay for her to sit down at his table and wait for the bus because the guys at the store where the bus stops heckle her and it makes her uncomfortable. The guy instantly freaked out and started to ramble on and on about his girlfriend would get mad if she saw him with some random girl hitting on him (even though she tried to explain she wasn't hitting on him).

 

Mary doesn't have self-esteem problems; She's very confident (not egotistical, however) and happy with everything she has accomplished, but she worries that she'll always be alone because no one wants her. Before she left for London two weeks ago, she said to me she wishes she wasn't so smart, because she would probably be happier. That having good looks and being smart isn't a good combination; Men constantly whine and moan they want a girl who is smart AND pretty, but when confronted with one, they reject her.

 

 

She's starting to worry that she'll always alone, or that she'll have to settle into being 'bought' by the creepy old guy because he'll give her what she wants: a chance to have a family of her own with a house in the suburbs and a small, very group of friends.

 

 

Granted, she's only 20, but still.

 

 

I know she can't talk to her group of 'friends' (who I really dislike, they are so fake) because she's afraid they'll mock her and say 'poor pitiful Mary, its sooooo hard being beautiful. Boo hoo' or, as she confided to me that anytime she tries to talk to them about 'serious topics' they disappear from her life.

 

 

She feels like she has to be either pretty and completely mentally blank or be smart and lonely. So, as I was thinking about this, I've realized she's had these problems through her whole life. Even as a child she was always teased by the other kids and no one ever wanted to play with her even though she was so nice. In Middle and High School everyone made fun of her because she didn't look like all the other girls, wouldn't wear make-up or skin tight clothes and always had the best grades. She's only had one serious relationship and he cheated on her constantly. She's a very open and relaxed girl: she doesn't try to tell the guy what to do, is okay with porn and him having female friends.

 

 

So, as I sat up trying to understand this, I realize that many times I've met beautiful people, they always have this...I dunno, strange air of loneliness about them.

 

 

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I can't sleep because I have a cold and I'm a bit tired.

[Ocean-Blue]

Perhaps the men she wants to attract think they won't have a shot with her, so what's the point?

 

Whatever it is, it's not static or permanent. I guess she has to figure out what it is that she's either doing wrong (perhaps she's taking a wrong approach) or why she's attracting the men she is.

 

Or it could just be that she is TOO beautiful for the average man to even consider her as a prospective mate. This happens sometimes and it's unfortunate.

 

But 20 is pretty young. I don't think she should be worrying about this now. Perhaps she should spend her time focusing on her work and school (if she wants to pursue it). Men are not the be all and end all.

 

As for friends, it's better to have a few GOOD friends than tons of fake bimbos as "friends". Not worth it.

[carhill]

She's young....what age group does she hang out with? If contemporary, that likely explains things. Her combination of life experience and intelligence tends to separate her from her peer group. Note I didn't mention her beauty. That isn't her problem, at least pertaining to loneliness, IMO.

 

What to do? Look for more mature people with similar life experience to associate with. Perhaps that means early-mid 30's. Hard to say in Europe, since I don't live there.

 

I had a few female friends in the past (non-romantic) who were drop dead gorgeous to look at, but their real assets were discovered, like with your friend, when I got to know them. They generally were younger than myself (8-10 years), and, for whatever reason, I thought of them more as sisters. I have noticed that feature about myself when I encounter physically beautiful women (by that I mean universally attractive, not merely beautiful to me). I'm not intimidated by them nor do I feel insecure, but I just don't see them as a potential sexual partner. Perhaps that's part of gravitating towards people (romantically) of similar attractiveness level. I don't know.

 

In any event, IMO, your friend should firm up her boundaries, meaning be a little less laid back with men, and make a promise to herself to never, ever, compromise her intelligence to be with anyone. She will attract the right people into her life; it just will take more time and effort. Meanwhile, she can enjoy the fruits of her hard work (lest anyone think that modeling is easy)

[Geneva]

But to have the guys completely reject her when its obvious she's hitting on them doesn't make much sense.

 

And I think she is attracting those kind of men is because they expect her to be some pretty bimbo who has no aspirations other than being someone's arm candy for the rest of her life. I know once her career is over with Elite she is going to college for History (I think she still wants to be a teacher somewhere in Europe).

 

Still, it makes me sad for her that she has so much trouble getting a good guy. She was saying being in Paris, the city of love, in the fall (when its perfect cuddle weather) is rather depressing when you're alone.

 

I don't think guys know what to do with a pretty, opinionated girl.

 

And I agree. A few good friends is WAY better than tons of fake ones. I just wish I had the money to live in New York so I could always be there as a good friend.

[carhill]

Pretty, opinionated girls are loads of fun, especially chatting away about world affairs at some nondescript sidewalk cafe while the world goes by. That's what I always have enjoyed about Europe

 

Your friend needs to attract a man, not "hit on" him. Just put yourself in his place and have this legs-to-heaven drop dead gorgeous hunk of female coming at you with full-on brainpower and wanting your private parts. Even I'd be questioning my sanity and be looking behind me to see who she was after

 

I'm going to opine that this issue is too far forward in her mind and she's sending out the wrong signals. I wish I could give you a meaningful construct, but IMO it's one of those "human condition" things....

[Geneva]

When she does hit on guys she tends to get super chatty and asks them a lot of questions about themselves. I think she gets so nervous that she just rambles and doesn't know how to use mystery.

 

Or I make her feel better and say "don't worry, he'll kick himself up the street tomorrow when he flips through Vogue and sees you there"...then she reminds me if he's flipping through Vogue he's probably gay.

[carhill]

Hey, I used to read "Women's Day" :D

 

FWIW, guys don't like being interrogated any more than women do. How do I know this? Chatterbox interrogator

 

Doing this, instead of letting a conversation naturally flow, pushes the interrogatee back into themselves where they might otherwise reach out, both emotionally and physically.

 

I know how your friend feels. It's like there's so much going on in there (she has all these thoughts, interests, passions, whatever) and they just spill out as questions, comments and sometimes as a non-stop torrent. This is especially true if she bottles things up and keeps her 'game face' on for work and for what she thinks people expect of her. But, whoa, get one good listener and watch out. I found this to be true with most of the female friends I spoke of above. Once they saw I was sincere and not out for a piece of them, out it came

 

You mentioned she normally is based in NYC...that explains a lot. Dating in NYC is brutal, or so our LS'ers who live there say. Maybe she would be smarter to stay in Europe....

[Geneva]

Oh god, Woman's Day! I used to steal those from my Grandma when I went to her house during the summer when I was too young to stay at home alone.

 

But yes, she does sort of 'question vomits' on the guy and I would kind of have to stop her when she was living in my city. Then you add in the fact its New York where you don't expect strangers want to really get to know you and its a mess.

 

She thinks she's not enough of a hipster (after all, she has a massive weakness for dorky guys who are in/work in coffee shops). She says she is going to have to cut her hair in an ironic way, wear ironic make-up and put splashes of color in her hair and wear clothes fished out of the bargain bin at Good Will before the kind of guy she's interested in would even look twice at her.

 

When she used to live at home, I couldn't believe the kind of guys that had the nerve to approach her! I mean, she would never say it (even if she was thinking what most everyone else was thinking) but some of those men that would come up and hit on her...I just...wow, they must REALLY have had delusions of grandeur. Why would those kind of guys that, I'm sorry but doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell, come up and hit on her while the guys she pursues shut down (besides the fact she question vomits on them)?

[carhill]

Why would those kind of guys that, I'm sorry but doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell, come up and hit on her while the guys she pursues shut down (besides the fact she question vomits on them)?

The guys that "hit on her" hit on anything with ta-tas, which, in NYC, can get them into sticky wickets sometimes with the transgender community IOW, she is a woman, hence they want her. It has nothing to do with *her* as a unique person.

 

She may be approaching guys who are so different from the normal attraction dynamic of a lady like herself that they are just caught off guard. I daresay, in looking back at my life, that it probably did happen to me a few times. I just got this puzzled look (I imagine) and probably started mumbling or something. I was, when younger, more of a nerdy introvert with quirky hobbies and interests and talked mostly in riddles, of which you'll see remnants of in my LS posting style now. Perhaps I can relate in some ways to those guys your friend is hitting on. In any event, IMO, a more laid-back, balanced approach, where she shares some of her life (not the modeling part but rather her passions and interests) balancing the questions she asks, and keeping it low-key, might help. Nerds aren't conquered in a day

 

I think, personally, if she'd shatter her hair, put some blue and purple in it and play around with a bit of the goth edge to her look, she might have some fun. Kind of a foil to her natural beauty and intelligence. A bit of a mystery. I've never failed to be surprised when engaging such women in my travels, mainly as seatmates (on airplanes). I love the disparity of my perception with the reality of who they are...

[Dominique]

As a gorgeous Ph.D, with a size 4 body, super long legs, great body,wits, brains, who is 38 looks 25, and has a cordial, even sweet demeanor, I can tell you that the problem is that others are intimidated.

 

Hence, the gal in question will try to "play herself down" to make the others comfortable. This will eventually wear on her, and she will pull away, not trusting that she can ever be "herself". To just Be. I did this for the longest time and it was the biggest series of mistakes ever.

 

Or, the beauty was once an ugly duckling, and she still has that gawky 15 year old inside, who is never quite sure what to do with the attention she is getting.

 

I have only a handful of good friends and I prefer it that way, so I can give myself wholeheartedly, sincerely. Fake friendships are soul-destroying.

 

PS to the other poster--looks most certainly do not have to "fade" if you take great care of yourself. I see 20 year olds who look heavier and more tired than people 10 years older than I.

[bayouboi]

That's the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

 

Well I'll add to that, I think you're a riot on these boards

[george35]

More often than not I've heard many above-average people talking about how lonely they are and it has me thinking: Why are above-average people often so lonely?

 

I'm not talking about just good-looking and completely vapid Paris Hilton Wanna-Bes. I'm talking about good looking people who are very polite, kind to others, have goals for their lives, are educated and interesting people. Why is it they are always seem to be so lonely? Why is it they always seem to have the most problems getting a serious relationship or anyone interested? Why do people often blow them off when they try to talk to them?

 

What is it about them that makes general society seem to shun them?

 

Wow, I never thought of myself as being above average until now, lol. Why is it that no one ever asks these questions about average or less than average people?

 

I have to comment on this; Maybe its her personality but I do not find Paris Hilton the least bit attractive. About the only thing she’s got going for her is daddy’s money.