Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Hi all, just wanted to get a idea on this. I have been with my OH for almost 10yrs and we got on the subject of Marriage and why we wasnt.... It got a little heated and after a few glasses of wine he said it was because of my weight. I'm a UK 16, got more boobs then anything else, yes i have a few extra pounds.... Would you loose weight if a man said he would then marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 THis has been an issue for him, and he's only mentioned it now? Sounds a little off to me. The only person you should lose weight for, is you. Don't do it for any other reason. because it sounds to me that if he's willing to be critical about this, when he's been silent about it up to now, there's a bit of an agenda going on with him. Ifd not this, it could be something else. Dawn French lost weight for her wedding. She said it was the worst thing she ever did, and felt awful and entirely unnatural. Be yourself. And if YOU want to lose weight, then do so. But because you really, really want to, for you. Nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 If you're a 16, and he's complaining, he's a 'tard. (that's US slang for retard) Methinks this is about something totally non-related to your weight. Get to the bottom of it, work it out, or don't marry him. Seriously. I join Geishawhelk in emphatically suggesting that you lose weight only for yourself, because it would make you feel better, healthier or happier. Never do it for anyone or anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 NO WAY!!!! Never do anything solely for another person and certainly never let anyone bribe you If the dude does not wanna marry you, curves n all then dump the chump and meet a guy who appreciates you for who you are and not what you could be! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Never lose weight for a guy, do it for yourself!!! It's true that some guys are attracted to thinner girls, but appearances change over the years, therefore picking a wife soley on her weight is not only shallow, but dumb. The question is: do YOU feel overweight? If he hadn't have mentioned this, would you have considered losing weight because YOU want to look better? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Would you loose weight if a man said he would then marry you? No, I wouldn't lose weight for that reason. What will be his position if/when I got pregnant? Or, God forbid, developed a physical condition or needed some type of medical treatment where I gained weight, temporarily or permanently? I would be afraid of developing a mild or major eating disorder, quite honestly. But. Is this your usual, adult weight? Would you like to reduce weight for yourself? That is, would it make YOU feel better, sexier, more attractive, fitter, hotter? If so, then you could use your upcoming wedding to motivate you to do what, in any case, you want to do for yourself. Even so, his rejection of you as a spouse, based only on your body weight, may always 'niggle away' in the recesses of your mind, and could ultimately erode your self-esteem and self-confidence. Ten years is a long time, obviously. I'd like to think that I'd tell my own b/f (also of 10 years) to go to bloody hell, if he pulled something like that on me. But I really don't know that I would. I'd probably just tell him that now he has screwed himself out of EVER becoming my husband, and continue the relationship as is. And hope, pray, and take steps to ensure, that I didn't allow it to mess with my own positive self-image. Good luck with your decision -- it's a tough one to be facing. Much easier to be sitting on this side, and to offer "counsel and opinions" on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Yes in a way i would like to lose some weight, but after 10yrs it was a shock and i have never really had a problem with my confidence etc.... However now i do, things have been difficult as i dont feel sexy in bed anymore, i dont want to go out with him for meal etc... as i look at other woman consitantly thiking i should be like this or like that. He's almost made me want to put more weight on. I know that sounds crazy but i dont like to be told what to do. And the fact everything else he says is perfect. I think he is just very shallow and can not see past this! We split last year for almost 6mths but he begged me to come back as there was no other woman out there for him. Now this. I dont understand. He said as he was drunk when he said it, so it shouldnt mean anything, but the reason we split last year was for the same thing.... I'm really confused, I feel like a idiot for staying but i love him..... I though we had moved on from this but obviously he hasnt....... Do you reckon he is just waiting for somthing better to come along? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 It makes absolutely no difference what the motivation is, losing weight makes you feel better physically and mentally, gives you more energy and helps you live longer and be more productive. If it takes shedding pounds to win the heart of another person, giving you added life and happiness is all the more reason to love that person. On the other hand, there is absolutely no assurance that weighing less is going to win the heart of any particular person...but you'll still be much better off for having done so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Yeah Tony you are 100% correct They thing is i dont eat ***** i walk miles every weekend as i have a dog the size of a horse so i have no choice then to do at least an hour a night. I wouldnt say i was over weight, or un healthy i just dont think god intended me to look like Victoria Beckham...... Yes i could take out the treat of a meal out once a week or skip that glass of wine.... The thing is i do or did enjoy my life before this............ As Ronni said i think i should lose some weight for me and tell him i dont want him as my husband! Who would???? Link to post Share on other sites
CandyGirlXO Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Sounds like my EX. I am 5'2 weigh 105lbs and he STILL went on about me going to the gym. He never went. He would complain if I ate certain things. This is one of the main reasons why I left him. I kept thinking what about when we age and I gain weight or I have a baby? He always said if you loved me you should want to look good for me You need to find someone that will love you just the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I can totally understand how being told that would cause you to feel less sexy and start to doubt your own attractiveness. And I also get the part about "revenge weight gain" ~~ but I don't need to strongly recommend that you not give in to those thoughts, I'm sure. You're right not to let him off the hook just because he was drunk. And he ought not to be using that as his first line of defense, either. ...he begged me to come back as there was no other woman out there for him. ....... Do you reckon he is just waiting for somthing better to come along? Well...what do YOU reckon, about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Honest Ronni...... I dont no You think someone loves you then you realise they dont love all of you. He's not perfect but i have learned over the years that it takes more then one thing to make a person special and somtimes you have to look past certain things. He's 37 i'm 26 you would have thought he would have realised that. I'm finding myself now not wanting to get off the sofa when he's in the room as he might be looking at me thinking i'm disgusting. I dont like him walking behind me, i hate it when woman are on the TV when he's in the same room. I'm going mad! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 You think someone loves you then you realise they dont love all of you. Yep, that does hurt a whole helluva lot when it happens. It's a bit of a "world crashing down" type of feeling...at least, it was for me. Didn't help, I suppose, that it was my mom. But screw'em. How I look at it now is: If you don't want (or can't accept) ALL of me, then you deserve absolutely NONE of me. You can, of course, redefine your relationship with him, if only within your own heart and mind. And just give him the parts of you that you are prepared to give. Major downside is the relationship ends up kinda wonky and not completely fulfilling or uplifting, and one is always fearful of what the next 'rejection/unacceptance' is going to be about. So that part sucks. A lot. I don't know, MakeMeSmile. I guess it's down to your intuition, personal choices, core values, what you're prepared to compromise on and/or sacrifice. And also, for whom are you prepared to compromise? Stuff like that. I guess. I'm finding myself now not wanting to get off the sofa when he's in the room as he might be looking at me thinking i'm disgusting. I get that...but you are getting that this part is only in your head, yes? Cos really, unless he specifically said that he finds your body "disgusting" or revolting or some similar description, it is rather unlikely that his own thoughts are running along these extreme lines. About other 3D and TV women...well, the caution would be about turning into something you really aren't -- jealous, insecure, threatened by body types that you feel are "superior" to yours (however you would define "superior", in this case.) It will be difficult, I know, but don't let him do that to you...to your sense of self, and your pride and dignity. Gggrrrr. He is making ME mad, too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Re-difine sounds right as i'm not sure if i want to leave him right now! Maybe he will learn to love me as i am? Just kidding myself i know! But i left once and i feel my friends and family will say I told you so and i'm not ready for that yet. I like your comment: If you don't want (or can't accept) ALL of me, then you deserve absolutely NONE of me. I rememeber years ago, when i was a child, seeing somthing on TV , some man telling a woman that if she lost weight he would stay with her etc.... And i said then, if any man ever said anything like that he would be out the door! Yet here i am! I know most of it is in my head, but it doesnt help! I need to talk to him about and let him know exactly how i feel and how this is having an effect on our life/my life & feelings. I wish i knew how to post pics as i feel like i need to show the world... Look i'm not that bad! Looking for reassurnace all the time.... Thats not the person i used to be. Thanks for your time today, i wish feelings could be turned on and off the world would be a much more peacful place x Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 ReI know most of it is in my head, but it doesnt help! I need to talk to him about and let him know exactly how i feel and how this is having an effect on our life/my life & feelings. How would it be if you wrote him a note and left it where he could find it? Would that help? I wish i knew how to post pics as i feel like i need to show the world... Look i'm not that bad! Looking for reassurnace all the time.... Thats not the person i used to be. Don't worry about posting pictures. You know why? because we don't give two hoots what you look like. We're sure you're just fine as you are. Nobody has any right whatsoever to make demands on you with regard to what you look like, or give you definitive opinions on how they feel you should be.... Listen. I am 4 foot ten, and I used to be a UK size 8. Now I've turned 50, and it's more a 12 - 14. I miss my svelte look. I miss the fact that I don't look stunning in a bikini. But you know what? That's tough. Because what's going on in my head, and how I feel about myself says more about me than the size clothes I wear. If I may say so, your weight isn't your problem. Not at all. Not one bit. The problem you face is how to completely love who you are and accept yourself for the great person you are. And if you're living with someone who seems bent on eroding that, as opposed to building it up, then - you're with the wrong person. Thanks for your time today, i wish feelings could be turned on and off the world would be a much more peacful place x Well, I hate to shock you - but you know, they can. The only person thinking these things, is you. The only one with direct access to your thoughts, is you. So, the only person who can change them - is you. The only brake on your perception, is how you see things. Let me give you an example. You buy a new sweater. 99 people tell you how great it looks on you, what a lovely colour it is, and how bright it makes you look. One person - ONE PERSON - says: "Hmmmm...not sure if you're the body type to wear that....!" and wham! our whole day is ruined, and we start to feel bad. One person. yet 99 others have told us how great we look! How is it that just one person can ruin our day? Because we let them. So, how daft are we to listen to that one person, when nobody else has come up with that? How crazy are we....?! You have a dozen people on here, telling you he's a jerk, that his conditional comments are way out of line and that you should be happy with you, for you. He's just one person. Just one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Geishawhelk, thank you. And your example is great but that one person is the one person i thought loved me for me, Me the person who cares for him, respects him, supports him, listen's to him, cooks, cleans, helps, and laughs with him. I know i'm a good person and anyone in the street can tell me they dont like the way i look, walk or talk and i wouldnt give a dam or i would but i wouldnt give it much time of thought. Ask his friends and family about his comments and they all think he is mad, for hurting me in such away when there really is no need! I can not and will not lose weight in return for an engagement ring..... I'm thinking, put all this out of my head, lose weight, I mean a stone its not much and then let him propose and he will get it back in his face...... I need to build up my confidence, and respect for myself before i can let him go find someone else. I think i would end up in a box if i walked out now and saw him with a thinner girl next week. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 I'm thinking...lose weight, ...then let him propose and he will get it back in his face...... Now you are "making me smile" :) -- I like your thinking and your plan. If you want to leave open a window for full & total love and acceptance to fly back into your heart and relationship, that's fine. But, if that doesn't happen during your weight reduction and self-building period, then...well, it will suck but you will be better equipped to deal with it. Sending hugs and best wishes for success and ultimately happy outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 So you were 16 and dating a 27 year old? How did you get away with that? Or should I say how did he get away with that? Anywho, No, do not lose weight for this guy. Let him go and don't waste any more of your youth on him. A friend of mine dated a guy for 12 years and he was never happy about the fact that she gained weight easily. She was a size USA size 14. She would diet and gain it back and diet and gain it back. Well he broke up with her and married some skinny girl he had only dated for a year. That broke my friends heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Hi all, just wanted to get a idea on this. I have been with my OH for almost 10yrs and we got on the subject of Marriage and why we wasnt.... It got a little heated and after a few glasses of wine he said it was because of my weight. I'm a UK 16, got more boobs then anything else, yes i have a few extra pounds.... Would you loose weight if a man said he would then marry you? No I wouldn't just because he's a jerk.. but I would to look better and to feel better about myself... You don't lose weight just for you.. that's bull cr*p.. you lose weight to look better.. to be more appealing to the opposite sex.. unless there is a serious health issue about the weight.. people do not lose weight to feel better.. If you want to lose weight to be more sexy.. then go ahead.. but if you're satisfied with your looks.. then don't .. it's all up to you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sks Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Appearance is an important part of a relationship, you are what you look like as much as you are your personality. If you want to please your husband and become more physically attractive I see no reason not to lose those pounds but from what I looked at you are not that fat but could defiantly lose a little. It might be some other issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 This doesn't really work logically either. If he tells you that you need to lose weight, rather than you working it out on your own it's highly unlikely that you'll keep the weight off. So, you lose 20lbs, get married, then eventually put it back on and the same problem arises. If your weight really is a problem for him - then this is over before it's begun. Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 No I would not loose weight to marry a man.... I don't like men... That aside, you should only loose weight for yourself. But if your a size 16 then yeah you should really look into loosing some weigh, for heath reasons alone. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 Ok so i need to lose the weight for him & me. Something i think i will struggle with, ive been on diets before, lost weight and gradully put it back on. I always come back to the same weight and never over. I hate diets & the gym. I walk alot. I know you all keep saying that it will make me feel better & happier but i thought i was happy and felt good. Until he said that. The last 3 days have been hell, one part of me wants to end it, one walk away and another hide myself away. Ive never bin one to dream of my perfect wedding day but now i dont ever think i want to have one. I thought i wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy and he the same. I dont think i will ever ask again why someone wont marry me. I'm scared of the responce! Last xmas soming medical happend to me i dont want to go into to much details, but the medication i have to be on this year, the nurse said through no fault of my own i could put on upto 12lbs. I have put an extra 3lbs and have eaten correctly to try and ensure that i dont put anymore on. I think i need professional help as my head is not dealing with all this very well..... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Something's not right here. 16 year olds dating 27 year olds, that's pedophile territory. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Makemesmile Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 I was 17 when we got together, Just. We had been mates for years b4 that. Lets face it females mature much faster then males. Yes it was unconfortable for him at first and his & mine family was against it but i thought after 10yeras together we had proved them all wrong. Ok tell you what forget it! I'm fat he's old. May aswel just end it all........ Link to post Share on other sites
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