Wife left me for another man.... !!!

[bubbad626]

Never done this before...so be patient...Happily married for 18 years until two weeks ago. We have 3 grown children (each prev married) and a 12 year old son together. Sunday they went to the store and the 12 year old stayed at Grandmas. The two older children came home with Mom and she announced she was leaving. I work too much, irritable, sharp tounged, and simply not happy was the story she was telling me and the kids. I asked what the real reason was, and her response was she is seeing someone else. WOW!! She has told the older kids a few days before and so they were not as shocked as I was. She moved clothing, etc and went to her grandmothers.

This past week, we have had good conversations, but I feel her mind is made up. She is seeing a "friend from school" and she states she is not coming back. At this point, we have agreed to sell some properties, including our home and both start over. We both are committed to our 12 y.o and he has been with me as much as his mom. My wife is being very nice and so am I. WE really are committed to our son.

During this past couple of weeks, the older kids and I have shared this situation with each other. They now admit that "mom" had given them the impression that something was wrong with me and I had changed. After talking to them, they now know that she made most of it up in order to justify leaving. The kids and I are fine.

I have had advise to give her distance and do not let her see or feel that I am hurting. I have played nice and have not made any attempts to talk about this. I did write her a letter apoligizing for hurting her, etc. and even told her that I forgive her.

What the heck do I do? I want her back and have told her so...but at this point, I just dont know what to do??

[Geishawhelk]

You move on. She's said quite openly and frankly that she doesn't want to come back, has no intention of coming back, and (whatever she might have said to the kids, which is naughty) has given you no indication she may change her mind, or given false hopes.

 

The pain you're feeling now, will probably turn to anger and resentment.

I think writing her a letter was nice, but maybe hasty, and driven more by the emotional moment, than by cold logic. If she told the kids lies to justify her actions (or maybe just to make herself look a bit better in their eyes) then that wasn't fair, and she should also, strictly speaking apologise to you. Bit of a bombshell, wasn't it?

 

I would only give you one bit of advice, which really, I would totally and utterly, really strongly recommend you follow. I'm not normally so emphatic, but this IS important:

 

Whatever legal path you follow, make sure your decisions and directions to your lawyer are fuelled by common sense, and not by emotion. This is really vital. Because whatever you fuel with common sense will succeed. Whatever you try to implement through emotion, will fail.The Law doesn't work through emotion, it works through Law. make sure your decisions - and reasons - are engineered by your head, not your heart.

 

My ex-tried to shaft me in every way possible, because he wanted revenge for the fact I left him, after 25-odd years of marriage.

Our marital relationship had probably upped and died at least 15 years previously, but we both spiralled into denial and stayed together for the children, and because it became more mutually convenient that way. We did everything together, but we became more like 2 companions living under one roof, than a married couple. It became a celibate marriage and the physical side died so far back, I couldn't say when, exactly.....

but the instant I decided that really, i couldn't go on with it any longer, that's when it all went belly up.

He admitted it had ended years ago, but couldn't forgive the fact that I then met someone for whom I developped feelings.

The knives were out, and he subsequenbtly did everything he could to absolutely leave me destitute.

But because his decisions were fuelled emotionally, it got him nowhere, fast.... I felt extremely angry and desperately sad for him, all at one and the same time.

 

You're luckier than I with your children. At least you can talk to them and level the playing field.

My children live with their father, abroad, and are estranged from me, because they took his side, and that was that. I've never had the opprtunity or opening, in 4 years, to be able to talk to them, and try to make them see things from my side, because they have actively denied me that chance.

Such is Life.....

 

Never confide your emotions to your children. Never be bitter about her to them, in a way that might make them feel you have to take sides. her children will doubtless see her point, and yours will see yours. But try to not fuel their sentiments....hard, but worth it in the end.

 

Be a gentleman.

 

I'm sorry about such a long rant. But I feel for you, and hope all goes well for you.

[bubbad626]

Not a long reply....read it twice. Thanks for the advice and I have already talked to my attorney...we both agreed not to do anything legal until after we sell our home, etc.

All I can do now is move on, I was/am a good husband and father, my wife was my life...hugs and kisses, texts and phone calls everyday...even intimate that very morning...just did not see this one coming at all.

Thanks for your comments and good luck to you also.

[jmargel]

In this situation if you continue to play nice and roll over and piddle on yourself that's exactly what you will get. You have been cheated on, there is NO excuse for this. You have been lied to, disrespected and vows of 18 years broken. Yet you are being nice to her?

 

She disrespects you because you TOLERATE it. You taught her to treat you this way. I've been on here for years and I see what does and doesn't work. You being nice, trying to 'win' her back will NOT work. You need to trust me on this.

 

Right now you are her safety net, you have been for the entire marriage. She now feels that if it doesn't work out with this other man then she can come back to you. She is facing NO consequences for how she is treating you and putting the children through this. She is acting like a spoiled teenager and you are the accepting parent in this.

 

In my opinion, if I was in your situation this is what I would do. Write her a short letter and give it to her. Write something such as 'I love you and will miss you when you are gone. We spent a great deal of history together and looked forward to better years ahead but I cannot be dragged through the mud like this. I will not be your safety net. If you want to work on this, I would like to goto marriage counseling with you. However this means no more contact with this other man. If you can't do this, then I have no choice but to let you go. You will not be welcomed back under any condition. I really hope you think hard and make your decision soon.'.

 

Then let it drop and follow through with this. Her running away from this problem won't work. This relationship with this other man won't work. She's dealing with this all wrong. It's time that you stand up for yousrelf already! Stop letting her blame you for all of this!

 

When she does talk about how disappointed she was in you and the marriage, bite your tongue and just say 'I understand'. It puts down her defenses, it allows her to open up a little more. You need to not only show confidence but live it. Women love that. You also really need to do this for yourself and your children. Do not let her justify her way out of this!

[bubbad626]

jmargel,

 

Wow! thanks for the reply....it really did hit home.

Just a follow-up...a week ago, I did hand her the letter that you described. I explained to her that I felt that I had to "let her go". I apoligized for any hurt I caused that may have caused this. I explained that I did not think it was fair to involve the older kids, etc.

I let her know that I forgive her and thanked her for the wonderful life we had and that I would always cherish the memories we had.....

Now, all I can do is focus on the kids. The kids and I have spent alot of quality time together and I have encouraged them to love and respect their mom.

I am moving on....still hurts like crap!

[Owl]

What you do now depends on what your goals are.

 

If you want a nice, happy, quiet divorce, then you do as everyone suggested...play along, be a gentleman, go with it, etc...

 

If you want to fight for your marriage...that's a different route altogether.

 

So before I offer any advice...my question is...what's YOUR GOAL?

[bubbad626]

Owl,

My goal is to save my marriage. That being said, in the heat of the moment, now almost three weeks ago, she stated to me and the kids that she is done and that she is never coming back.

The only thing I can do now is pray, be there for all the kids and be a good father. I am old enough to know that it is difficult to change someone's heart no matter how hard you try. I have written a letter described in my prev post, have not initated any contact, and explained to her (both in the letter and in person) that if she truly wants to go...then I have no choice but to let her go and move on with my life. I have read many of these posts in the last couple of weeks and have seen similar stories....I think mine is a little unique because we were a very loving couple. I do not want to know any details, but I also realize that all it takes is someone fom past to show a little emotion....this OP has given her something that I did not.

Rambling...sorry....I want my wife back....only if she is willing to work on our marriage TOGETHER....church, counciling, and NO MORE CONTACT....right now, that is most likely not going to happen......

Give it to me straight....thnx

[Owl]

OK...so if your goal and intent is to reconcile your marriage, that requires ACTION...not passive, gentlemanly behavior.

 

Go over to the marriagebuilders website, take a look at the free material there. Do NOT post on the forum...anymore, its worse than useless, as its entirely taken over by a clique of posters that have ONE viewpoint, and no flexibility for working through the plans offered through that program.

 

Specifically, read through the concepts of the love bank, emotional needs, lovebusters, and plan A and plan B.

 

Read about 'exposure'. I posted a reference to the "carrot and stick" of plan A...do a search here on LS for that phrase and see if you can find that information.

 

Who all in her family and friends knows about the affair? Know that this was the cause of her choice to leave, and that it had nothing to do with YOU?

 

Lemme know when you've read that info, and the response to my question above.

 

You need to start a strong, active plan A to begin with.

[sparkey64]

Owl

Do you prescribe to marriagebuilders?

 

my yahoo addy is

morrisminiman1972

[sparkey64]

dot ca

canadian

[Owl]

Sparkey, I think the program is awesome. I used it as a basis for reconciliation after my wife's affair. Our MC wasn't familiar with its principles at first, but after reading up on it (from my suggestion), he was more than willing to apply it to our recovery.

 

No offense my friend, but I don't email off the board. If you have PM privileges, feel free to contact me that way if you'd like or post a thread you'd like me to discuss things with you.

[bubbad626]

Owl,

I did read most everything I could find on MB website. I re-read it all this afternoon. Yes, it is good stuff.

As for your question...All I do know for sure is that our older children (not the 12 yo), her parents and grandmother. I cannot say for sure about her friends, but dont think that she is doing alot of talking to others.

As earlier stated, she led everyone to believe that I had become this "monster". The very day she left, my daughter started seeing the "red-flags" and all of the kids and their spouses now realize that most of her hurtful comments about me were grossly overstated. Sure I am 50% responsible for any marital problems, and in no way am I neglecting my responsibilities......it seems she needed to justify her leaving by making me out to be a bad person and "oh, by the way, I'm seeing someone"

[Owl]

First step...exposure.

 

Go to each of those family members, and have a nice, polite, sit down talk with them.

 

Explain to them the TRUTH. Be honest about your faults, but also be honest that you're willing to make the changes you need to. Make it clear that its her AFFAIR that's influencing her mind right now...not the reality of what the marriage was like.

 

Ask for their help in rebuilding your marriage.

 

Make it clear that if she chooses to divorce, that's her choice. But right now, you want to give your marrriage its best shot, and you can't do that while she's seeing OM.

 

Just be honest and up front...clear the air about the situation. See who's willing to support your efforts and who is not. Make it clear that this isn't divorce at this point...its infidelity on your wife's part. Get the message across clearly that you're making changes and want to save your marriage.

 

 

The other part of that plan is to actively start identifying what those changes are, and making them. Start looking for ways to meet your wife's emotional needs. Find ways to make deposits in her love bank.

 

And...start taking care of yourself too. Start working out to relieve the stress, etc...

 

These are all first steps.

 

Make sense?

[bubbad626]

Owl,

Thanks...yes is all makes sense....I have done exactly that with all parties with the exception of her parents...and now is not the time to open up with them. My children know the truth and trust me on this, my in-laws know it as well...but they are her parents.

As far as taking care of me....we were riding our bikes around the neighborhood every evening. I just started that very night, riding like my life depended on it. I have lost 20 lbs by exercising hard. I am sleeping, and eating well....just working out hard.

I am getting two different councils. 1. be nice and continue to tell her you love her, etc. #2 Tell her how you feel, (i did in the letter), let her know that you are there if she needs to talk, and then limit the contact with her. I have not initated any calls except when she calls or texts me. She is very willing to run errands for me and groceries, etc...but in the last week, when asked if I need anything, I simply say, thanks, I'm good. I feel that I need to show her that I can handle myself and take care of our 12 yo w/o her help. He is spending as much time with me as her, and I want to offer him some sort of routine and also spend some quality time with him as well....he and I are doing great!!!

As far as MB goes, I realzie that I'm in Plan B at this moment. Just confused a little as to what I should do...bother (smother) her or continue on with my life and see if she works past this affair.

[imagine]

You are not in plan B. You are still chatting with your WW.

 

Thing is... one normally delivers a solid Plan A before the PLB. Why don't you just get the book Surviving an Affair?

 

Don't lose heart.

 

The road is long and many a winding track.....

[Owl]

Imagine has it right on all accounts.

 

Plan B only follows a stellar plan A.

 

And plan B has to be DARK...inside of a gunny sack dark...in order to have any effect whatsoever.

 

You're getting conflicting advice, based on the goals that people are steering you towards.

 

Being nice to her has its place, don't take me wrong.

 

In plan A, you should work to become a 'safe haven' where she can come and communicate ANYTHING to you.

 

But, at the same time, you should NOT be working to do anything to assist her in continuing her affair or working towards the divorce.

 

You should be RESISTING those efforts. Not by being snotty/angry/hateful, etc...but simply being steadfast in refusing to support them. Don't discuss divorce with her at all. A common line for a longtime on the MB forum was "I don't talk about divorce. I talk about reconciliation. My lawyer talks about divorce. Anything about that goes to him, anything about reconciliation comes to me.".

 

OK...you have your goals.

 

Now read the book that Imagine suggested, the material I've suggested, and see a marriage counselor who has a good background in marital recovery after infidelity. Use those resources to help you define your NEXT step: Developing a gameplan that will help you meet your goal.

[Al_Bundy]

Never done this before...so be patient...Happily married for 18 years until two weeks ago. We have 3 grown children (each prev married) and a 12 year old son together. Sunday they went to the store and the 12 year old stayed at Grandmas. The two older children came home with Mom and she announced she was leaving. I work too much, irritable, sharp tounged, and simply not happy was the story she was telling me and the kids.

 

Hence, its all your fault and she is laying it on you. Typical excuses when someone is cheating. Is there any truth to it? Only you can tell.

But this is what happens when one cheats, they put the blame on you.

 

 

I asked what the real reason was, and her response was she is seeing someone else. WOW!! She has told the older kids a few days before and so they were not as shocked as I was. She moved clothing, etc and went to her grandmothers.

 

At least she had the decency to leave and not expect you to.

 

 

This past week, we have had good conversations, but I feel her mind is made up. She is seeing a "friend from school" and she states she is not coming back. At this point, we have agreed to sell some properties, including our home and both start over. We both are committed to our 12 y.o and he has been with me as much as his mom.

 

I'd say since she is the one that bailed, she should do the decent thing and let you have custody.

 

 

 

My wife is being very nice and so am I.

 

Well don't let the "nice" thing suck you in. You could be caught off guard and all of a sudden, when the divorce is going, BAM, you are hit with something unexpected.

 

 

WE really are committed to our son.

 

I don't see it that way. She bailed. But I'll let you give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

During this past couple of weeks, the older kids and I have shared this situation with each other. They now admit that "mom" had given them the impression that something was wrong with me and I had changed.

 

 

Yup, she is trying to poison their minds against you and put all of the blame on you. this is something to let your attorney know about and don't let her know you know.

 

 

After talking to them, they now know that she made most of it up in order to justify leaving. The kids and I are fine.

 

Thats good to hear. You will be better off without her. As far as her new man, she'll get bored with him too and be looking to better-deal him in the future as well.

 

 

I have had advise to give her distance and do not let her see or feel that I am hurting. I have played nice and have not made any attempts to talk about this.

 

Good, do NOT talk about any of this. The only person you should be telling any of this to, more to the point the part about her trying to turn them against you, is your attorney.

 

 

I did write her a letter apoligizing for hurting her, etc. and even told her that I forgive her.

What the heck do I do? I want her back and have told her so...but at this point, I just dont know what to do??

 

You want a woman back that went out and got another man to penetrate her? Good lord why??

 

When you told her that you forgave her, she was probably thinking, "I didn't do anything to forgive, you are the one that was a bastard and pushed me away."

 

don't talk to her any longer. Do all your talking to an attorney.

[sparkey64]

My wife (we are separated for 2 months) is having an affair. I strongly suspect she was having before she took off. We had a huge blowout on Sunday (When it was confirmed to me), where I told her that her approach to working on our marriage was to get a boyfriend. The F-word was tossed around like a baseball. Her BF has been at her place much of the time we have been separated, but the kids had no idea he was anything more than a friend until Sunday.

 

My 17 year old daughter is now mad at her to the point where I told her she could stay with me 100%. It was my daughter who told me all this.

 

I am now clearly in plan B. No contact. I am still taking her $500 cash child support (did that yesterday). Son took it.

 

I have no idea what I want, or where this is headed. yikes.

[sparkey64]

One of my biggest concerns is that my wife may have jumped into another relationship because of MY lack of intimacy, support and affection. So if this is the case, plan B backfires...

[Owl]

Do you have your own thread going, Sparkey?

 

You might consider starting one over in the infidelity section on LS.

 

That way we don't T/J this one.

[TrustInYourself]

Plan A - Subtle establishment of value. Reaffirm the reasons she found you so attractive and irresistable in the first place. Build only positive interactions. Build on the points identified that were lacking through self-inflection and behavioral adjustment. Control your reactions and focus your actions on building positive feelings. You self-worth is greater than anyone elses. Do not offer apologies or ask for forgiveness. Self-defeating and irrelevant apologies only feed her justifications for wanting out. Also since you have absolute control over all interactions, you have the ability to limit your negative feelings/actions to when you are not together. Smile and be mysterious. Always be physically attractive, well groomed and good smelling. Be the man, or woman. Play the game to your advantage.

 

Plan B - Disappear. Be mysterious. Limit contact. Give her the gift of missing you. Focus on self improvement and self satisfaction. Your life is for you to enjoy. Go all out. Move on in a sense. Plan B is where most people will recognize that they are losing out on something/someone. Until you limit contact and be "hard to reach" your significant other will continue to take you for granted. The glory of Plan B is the fact that you are moving on and that even if you do not achieve recon, you still achieve greater independence and happiness.

 

The problem with most people is they are incapable of embracing positive change.

[Trimmer]

Question about MB: Is there any guidance for factoring in the presence of children into the Plan A and Plan B processes? I am always encouraged when two people, in spite of having problems as spouses, can continue to work together as parents, because that is all about the child, as it should be.

 

How do children figure into Plan B?

 

To the OP: my advice is not to try to convince your son of anything about his mother's actions or feelings or whatever, but to reassure him that no matter what happens, you are still his loving father, and she is still his mother, and those things won't change. The most important thing for him right now (assuming he is physically safe) is emotional safety. Trust that he knows you and wants to believe the best about you, and as long as you are there and steady, he will see that you are still the father that he trusts and loves. You don't need to make it a competition about "her or me."

 

As a matter of fact, if you support his relationship with her in a positive way, you relieve his stress about being with you - he doesn't have to walk on eggshells around you because he thinks he might stir up your negative feelings about her.

 

I went through my wife leaving me for another man; our two kids were ages 6 and 8 at the time, and in spite of my needing to work through some serious grief, intense anger at my spouse, etc., we were able to maintain a supportive parental relationship, and make it safe for our kids. I will never regret that, nor do I feel like I "rolled over" or anything like that. I redicsovered my power as a husband, a man, and individual, but maintained my image of what I wanted to be as a father and a parent. I have no patience for anyone who uses their kids, custody, or anything like that as leverage, even in a subtle way.

[TrustInYourself]

Question about MB: Is there any guidance for factoring in the presence of children into the Plan A and Plan B processes? I am always encouraged when two people, in spite of having problems as spouses, can continue to work together as parents, because that is all about the child, as it should be.

 

How do children figure into Plan B?

 

To the OP: my advice is not to try to convince your son of anything about his mother's actions or feelings or whatever, but to reassure him that no matter what happens, you are still his loving father, and she is still his mother, and those things won't change. The most important thing for him right now (assuming he is physically safe) is emotional safety. Trust that he knows you and wants to believe the best about you, and as long as you are there and steady, he will see that you are still the father that he trusts and loves. You don't need to make it a competition about "her or me."

 

As a matter of fact, if you support his relationship with her in a positive way, you relieve his stress about being with you - he doesn't have to walk on eggshells around you because he thinks he might stir up your negative feelings about her.

 

I went through my wife leaving me for another man; our two kids were ages 6 and 8 at the time, and in spite of my needing to work through some serious grief, intense anger at my spouse, etc., we were able to maintain a supportive parental relationship, and make it safe for our kids. I will never regret that, nor do I feel like I "rolled over" or anything like that. I redicsovered my power as a husband, a man, and individual, but maintained my image of what I wanted to be as a father and a parent. I have no patience for anyone who uses their kids, custody, or anything like that as leverage, even in a subtle way.

 

Plan B pertains to realization in matters of parental concern for the offending spouse who wants to leave.

 

When you don't have the kids, you live it up. When you have the kids, you do your damn best to be the best parent they can have.

 

You limit contact. You communicate respectfully about the kids, on the kids, and nothing but the kids. You are limiting your contact to increase your positive perspective on your impending divorce/separation. This has a two fold effect on both your emotional health and your offending spouse's mental perspective.

 

The focus should be your children's well being throughout. Continued contact with a cheating spouse, who employs controlling behavior and emotional dependence while acting irresponsibly is not going to allow you to parent your children effectively. You're going to end up a sniveling mess.

[Owl]

Plan B typically requires an intermediary, ESPECIALLY when children are involved.

 

It might also require there be LIMITED...SEVERELY limited contact, centered ONLY around child care and welfare.

 

But plan B is still possible even with children and shared custody.

 

The trick is for the BS to make it STICK. Use intermediaries for drop off and pick up. Limit communications to written only, EXCEPT for dire emergencies. And ENFORCE that boundary with the WS.

 

When they attempt to use the 'back channels' to contact you even when its not an emergency, you resend your 'plan B letter'. And do NOTHING further to encourage further contact via that means.

[Trimmer]

Understood. Thanks, guys. I'm just very sensitive to the protection of kids from the maneuvering of the adults, and the need to preserve a set of stable parents, even as the spouses are doing these dances.

 

Thanks for the explanations.