Wife left me for another man.... !!!

[Eve]

www.marriagebuilders.com

 

WHAT an interesting site! Thanks for this link Owl, it is very inspiring stuff.

 

Being one who knows the deep love of a good marraige I hope that Bubbad and is Wife are able to overcome this challenge and become close again. I have heard that people who do overcome affairs learn so much about themselves within the process that their love becomes yet deeper. It is SO inspiring to hear of people trying to heal their marraige in todays throw away society.. Thank you Owl for sharing your experience.

[husbndinthemaking]

I would be patient with her. She is obviously conflicting right now. Check out zaxxes.com for more help. It helped me and could possibly help you. Good luck.

[bubbad626]

Been a while..but quick update...could use some support...

I have read everything possible about RA's. My WW is in the firm grips of one right now. We have had several good talks. I have gained strength from prayer and my bond with my children has never been better. My 12yo son spends 50-60% of his time with Dad. It is a wonderful expierence to dedicate your love to your children and to see a difference it makes in their lives.

We are all still hurting from this. I have been in a solid plan A for 7 weeks. I have taken all finances away and am leaving only enough money for her to buy groceries and gas. My attny advised not to change the finances at this point. (not sure I agree, but cutting off the money to some degree has made her think). I have secured all bills and opened checking acct in my name only.

Friday evening I finally had enough and we talked on the phone and I gently explained that what she is doing is destroying the children, me, her family and even her. I know not to involve the kids and I have not, but Thurs she wanted to have lunch with DD22 and wanted to invite OM. DD22 callled in a panic and wanted advice. All I said is that she has to make that decision herself and if she does not want to meet OM...then tell Mom...no.

DD22 was working and could not go..so the conv has not taken place. During the phone conv with WW, I explained that all the kids are afraid to tell her how they feel for fear she will walk away from them like she did to me.

After much back and forth...she did make me a couple of promises. I did not like them but I feel that she is still undecided....so promise one...she told me she loves me and always will...she cares about me and is willing to do whatever she can for me..always. Request number 2...she needs her space to sort this out....promise 3...she will "see how it goes"...meaning maybe after she is done with OM she will consider me....(my translation)

She came over for Halloween and was pissed when she arrived, but after all the kids left, we sat out front for over an hour and just talked, laughed and joked...never any mention of us...just filled her EN for conversation.

I know that she spent Sat even and most of the day Sun with OM. Came by to p/u 12yo DS and was nice.

So.....continue on plan A.....??

I have done all the exposure...OM job, his family, our friends, our family, etc.....best I got out of that is my own sanity....our family and friends are all pissed at her and the heat is being applied daily. His employeer and family simply do not care about him or what he is doing....he is shaping up to be just another opportunist with a poor rep. Married and Divorced twice and an early age of 42...

 

Sorry so long....any advice, translations, or help would be appreciated!!

[imagine]

Do not expect anything from WW except deception and cake eating.

 

Meeting DD22 with OM is an attempt to legitimize the relationship. DD needs to be aware of this.

 

Continue to meet her EN's by keeping her updated on family news. Ignore OM and any thoughts thereon. He is not the problem, your marriage restoration is the problem.

 

Plan A is expected to last 6 months or until you feel that you are losing your affection. Then go Plan B. Sorry pal, that's the way it works. Don't forget that recovery is approximately another 2 Years.

 

I do not understand why your lawyer is pushing that she receives anything at all.

 

This is not a RA (revenge affair), this is an A.

[bubbad626]

I did not me revenge affair....I meant Romantic Affair...the worst kind, I think.

My attny stated that I should maintain the family home for future custody issues. As far as monies....I have only left enough for her fuel and groceries. I realize this goes against most MB plans...but early on everyone advised me to speak to my attny and to listen to the advice.

Any bill that is in her name is now her responsibility.

I feel that I have done a good plan A......just gotta keep on goin!

[TrustInYourself]

At some point you are going to make an evaluation on whether or not you want to continue with a woman that would cheat on you in your face and consider you a 2nd option. You lack self-respect and she's treating you like a doormat. All you are doing now, is expending your love for her and her respect for you.

 

Plan A works when your wife doesn't value your company, intimacy, etc. It sounds like right now you are playing a game at the cost of your own sanity and happiness. Sure, you guys talk. That's cool. But actions speak louder than words.

 

You are enabling her affair. Right or wrong, whether you love her or not, whether you want her back or not. You are part of the problem rather than the solution. She doesn't want to make a choice. Why make a choice when you have both options clearly available to you. Cake anyone?

 

I understand your commitment, but there also needs to be a commitment to yourself and your own self respect.

 

My opinion, (I'm not you), would be to move forward with your own life. Go socialize, meet other people, hell, date others. I'm not saying leave your wife or force a divorce, but go out and meet people. Feed your understanding of what you want out of life.

 

Thoughts?

[imagine]

I have a very active imagination and do try to protect posters from my wilder moments...

But here's one I would love to see implemented:

 

DD phones mom and tells her that she has seen dad cleaning out stuff in the room.

 

He has a rifle and tried to hide it under a jacket. There is a suitcase packed, but he says that he is going nowhere.

 

She concludes: "Mom, I think that he is going to kill OM". Also, "Don't tell dad I called".

 

Hopefully, WW calls Bub and asks what is up. Bub gives a looong pause, denies everything, says goodbye (softly and wistfully) then puts down the phone.

 

This scenario has loads of pitfalls but if it works, could be an ejection seat from affairyland into reality.

[bubbad626]

TIY,

Thanks for your comments. Let me try to answer in a way that will make sense.

I have read most everything I can find including all of the MB material. I am doing my OWN MC, and I am not looking back.

 

Alot has happened in 7 weeks and I could not begin to post it all here. Within just a couple of days of my WW leaving, my children knew that we had all been decieved by the lies of an A.

I had two choices...become the person she made me out to be....or stay the person I AM. It was easy to be me.

 

She was shocked that I am me!! As stated in prev posts, I have become the Mom and Dad, the chief cook, the accountant, the laundry guy, the grocery shopper, and most importantly the SPIRITAL LEADER of my family.

When our older kids are there and we fix dinner or when my 12yo son is there (most of the time), I realize that I am happy and content. It gives me great pleasure to be a Dad. I admit that I was not a "listening" Dad for the past year or so. Too busy, too tired, too much, too much, too much.

Let me say that when you discover you were missing your children's lives by simply not living life with them...you can never go back!!

 

As far as my wife.....I am doing as good of a plan A as possible, for me. I am in no way a doormat. I will admit that it kills me to hear or see that I am the 2nd choice. BUT.....when all the kids are there and we all are laughing over dinner, and I look into their eyes and see the pain that this is causing all of US, I realize that if I continue to love my children and offer them the unconditional support that they deserve....I know that my life is complete. I will always want my wife to return and let her share in the love that she walked away from. I am not sitting by and hoping....I am healing in prayer, family, and God. The bond that my 12yo son and I have is unshakable.

Looking in her eyes, I can tell that she is struggling with the fact that we are living life WITHOUT her happily. She is dealing with all the classic signs...guilt, remorse, shame. So, not sitting around waiting.....WE are living life.

 

To sum it up....if I continue to grow as a christian, and my son continues to grow as a christian, and we both are willing to listen and obey God and follow his lead.....and my wife never returns......what have I lost????

[TrustInYourself]

TIY,

Thanks for your comments. Let me try to answer in a way that will make sense.

I have read most everything I can find including all of the MB material. I am doing my OWN MC, and I am not looking back.

 

Alot has happened in 7 weeks and I could not begin to post it all here. Within just a couple of days of my WW leaving, my children knew that we had all been decieved by the lies of an A.

I had two choices...become the person she made me out to be....or stay the person I AM. It was easy to be me.

 

She was shocked that I am me!! As stated in prev posts, I have become the Mom and Dad, the chief cook, the accountant, the laundry guy, the grocery shopper, and most importantly the SPIRITAL LEADER of my family.

When our older kids are there and we fix dinner or when my 12yo son is there (most of the time), I realize that I am happy and content. It gives me great pleasure to be a Dad. I admit that I was not a "listening" Dad for the past year or so. Too busy, too tired, too much, too much, too much.

Let me say that when you discover you were missing your children's lives by simply not living life with them...you can never go back!!

 

As far as my wife.....I am doing as good of a plan A as possible, for me. I am in no way a doormat. I will admit that it kills me to hear or see that I am the 2nd choice. BUT.....when all the kids are there and we all are laughing over dinner, and I look into their eyes and see the pain that this is causing all of US, I realize that if I continue to love my children and offer them the unconditional support that they deserve....I know that my life is complete. I will always want my wife to return and let her share in the love that she walked away from. I am not sitting by and hoping....I am healing in prayer, family, and God. The bond that my 12yo son and I have is unshakable.

Looking in her eyes, I can tell that she is struggling with the fact that we are living life WITHOUT her happily. She is dealing with all the classic signs...guilt, remorse, shame. So, not sitting around waiting.....WE are living life.

 

To sum it up....if I continue to grow as a christian, and my son continues to grow as a christian, and we both are willing to listen and obey God and follow his lead.....and my wife never returns......what have I lost????

 

Fantastic! I am happy for you. You are doing what many people can not or are incapable of doing. Living life for yourself and doing the best you can to make it through a difficult and trying period.

 

You have a lot of strength and confidence and that will do wonders for working things out.

 

I'm not trying to be negative here, so please just reflect on this as best as you can. What does your wife add now? Does her presence limit your happiness and the happiness of your children. At one point do you need to tell her, you are dragging us down, go live with your decision. At that point, you are truly free of her emotional lunacy. That's not an ultimatum, it's telling her that you are ready to give her exactly what she wants.

 

So..what do you think?

[bubbad626]

TIY,

Being perfectly honest....I am not there yet. Still have faith that she will return....faith coming from prayer and simply looking into her eyes and seeing the troubled soul hiding behind her eyes.

 

My son is ultimatly going to be the one that suffers the most...you know the message that parents give to their children. What I want at this time is to be patient and be a better Dad. If Mom wants that...then we all need a helping hand from God.

 

I appreciate your comments on strength and confidence. I was looking back at earlier posts, and boy those two things were lacking. They are not today.

 

Due to huge support from the family, I will do as best as possible....but believe me, I will not allow this runious affair to ruin our family anymore than it has already. I will know the time to quit trying for what I think are the right reasons...because they will prove to be the wrong reasons.

 

Question though: From all the experts, Is the pain you see in a WW eyes ever enough for them to realize the mistake, or does the A simply have to burn out?

[TrustInYourself]

TIY,

Being perfectly honest....I am not there yet. Still have faith that she will return....faith coming from prayer and simply looking into her eyes and seeing the troubled soul hiding behind her eyes.

 

My son is ultimatly going to be the one that suffers the most...you know the message that parents give to their children. What I want at this time is to be patient and be a better Dad. If Mom wants that...then we all need a helping hand from God.

 

I appreciate your comments on strength and confidence. I was looking back at earlier posts, and boy those two things were lacking. They are not today.

 

Due to huge support from the family, I will do as best as possible....but believe me, I will not allow this runious affair to ruin our family anymore than it has already. I will know the time to quit trying for what I think are the right reasons...because they will prove to be the wrong reasons.

 

Question though: From all the experts, Is the pain you see in a WW eyes ever enough for them to realize the mistake, or does the A simply have to burn out?

 

Emotions are funny. She may never leave that haze / fog of an affair. She may compartmentalize her feelings for this OM. She can love you and him at the same time. It happens all the time. Her love can blossom for him and you simultaneously. I'm just putting out there isn't the fact that she doesn't love you. It's the fact that she could love him as well.

 

I definitely don't like trying to convey that your actions are wrong or misguided, because only you truly know what's best for your family and your happiness.

 

People do not make decisions unless they know and respect the consequences of thier actions or inactions. No consequences, no changes. Quote me.

 

I wish the best for you and your family. Take care!

[pelicanpreacher]

TIY, you cannot serve two masters as is quoted in the bible. His wife cannot express unbidden desire, passion, and devotion to two men with equal fevor and ardor for, unless she's a chameleon lizard that can move and focus its eyes on two places simultaneously, it is simply not within the scope of human capability to achieve. One man receives her all and the other receives her crumbs and that is the hard and simple fact the OP must realize.

 

Bub, be careful on how you are proceeding with your Plan A for I believe your wife has misread your intentions to the extent that she now believes that everything surrounding her affair turned out so well that, as another poster noted, she has become confident in taking the next step of legitimizing her affair by exposing the affair on her own terms with attempts at introducing the OM to your adult children and extended family. This tells me that she has already taken this step with your 12 yo and is looking into the future with the expectation that she not only made an excellent choice in leaving you but that the entire family network supports it. Your daughter called you in a panic for as painful as this situation has been for you, she and the rest of your children and extended family may be taking your lead on how they should perceive your wife's OM in their perspective of the future!

 

I understand that you still have strong feelings about restoring your marriage but when you look in the eyes of your children are you misreading the pain you see as a sign that they want their mother back in the home to end your pain or that they want you to take the firm step of ending what they percieve as your disgraceful mistreatment by your wife to end their pain? Remember that they really only want what is best for you and for you to be happy but they are not mind readers and neither are you. Talk to them and read their eyes when you tell them your stance on how you want to procced with your marriage!

 

Good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

What the heck do I do? I want her back and have told her so...but at this point, I just dont know what to do??

 

You are in shock at this point. She was banging another man for gods sake!!! Why the hell would you want her back? She is an untrusworthy cheater.

 

Believe me, after the shock is over and you can start thinking clearly, this will be a blessing in disguise. Let her go, get a divorce, and when its all over, rebuild your life and start living again. Let the untrustworthy cheater be the other guy's problem in a few years when she gets the itch to start banging someone else again.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY, you cannot serve two masters as is quoted in the bible. His wife cannot express unbidden desire, passion, and devotion to two men with equal fevor and ardor for, unless she's a chameleon lizard that can move and focus its eyes on two places simultaneously, it is simply not within the scope of human capability to achieve. One man receives her all and the other receives her crumbs and that is the hard and simple fact the OP must realize.

 

Bub, be careful on how you are proceeding with your Plan A for I believe your wife has misread your intentions to the extent that she now believes that everything surrounding her affair turned out so well that, as another poster noted, she has become confident in taking the next step of legitimizing her affair by exposing the affair on her own terms with attempts at introducing the OM to your adult children and extended family. This tells me that she has already taken this step with your 12 yo and is looking into the future with the expectation that she not only made an excellent choice in leaving you but that the entire family network supports it. Your daughter called you in a panic for as painful as this situation has been for you, she and the rest of your children and extended family may be taking your lead on how they should perceive your wife's OM in their perspective of the future!

 

I understand that you still have strong feelings about restoring your marriage but when you look in the eyes of your children are you misreading the pain you see as a sign that they want their mother back in the home to end your pain or that they want you to take the firm step of ending what they percieve as your disgraceful mistreatment by your wife to end their pain? Remember that they really only want what is best for you and for you to be happy but they are not mind readers and neither are you. Talk to them and read their eyes when you tell them your stance on how you want to procced with your marriage!

 

Good luck!

 

I'm sorry, but arguing your point on the basis of faith and your bible doesn't convince me otherwise.

 

Are you counseling him to seek divorce? Hmm, I wonder what the bible has to say about that.

[Reggie]

I'm happy this guy is living his life and enjoying his kids. I'm no bilical scholar, but I've read that infidleity is the one justification for divorce in the bible.

In any case, at some point, Bub, you may want to consider moving on. That point is entirely up to you. But, if you stay togehter, your wife really needs to get help for herself.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm happy this guy is living his life and enjoying his kids. I'm no bilical scholar, but I've read that infidleity is the one justification for divorce in the bible.

In any case, at some point, Bub, you may want to consider moving on. That point is entirely up to you. But, if you stay togehter, your wife really needs to get help for herself.

 

How do you propose that? Making her? LOL, people are so intent on changing others to meet their needs.

[bubbad626]

How do you propose that? Making her? LOL, people are so intent on changing others to meet their needs.

 

I know that this is hard for some to believe. This whole tradgey in our family concerning her A, is not about changing her. IT IS ABOUT CHANGING ME! Anyone who thinks they can change any person is misguided. People have to want to change.

 

How to help them change: In my situation all I can do is surrender the situation to God. By doing so, what I am finding is that I AM THE ONE who is changing. My passion towards my children and MY life has never been more clear to me. Sure, there are rough days, but as I gain strength and my children clearly see a strength in me that they have never seen before....THEY are changing. Maybe the word change should be replaced with the word "healing".

Unless you have a WS that feels no emotion at all...they can't help but see the change (healing) in you. I KNOW that my WAW sees and FEELS it.

 

So...again....for me, I am HEALING all the while LOVING...if I can do this so can others.... BECAUSE...my WAW and any other WS cannot help but ask themselves.....WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE AND WHAT THE HECK AM I MISSING!!........I have to live again in order to love again. My WAW will need to live and love again after this ends. I will be the one that has healed in order to SHOW her how to heal and love ME again.

[TrustInYourself]

Trust me, there is a serious lack of people capable of even understanding this because this is a forum for divorced and separated individuals.

 

People ask why the failure rate is so high after separation. It's because people are too busy blaming others and being angry.

[bubbad626]

Trust me, there is a serious lack of people capable of even understanding this because this is a forum for divorced and separated individuals.

 

People ask why the failure rate is so high after separation. It's because people are too busy blaming others and being angry.

 

TIY,

Thanks for your support and encouragement. It is a shame that most people are so willing to just give up. Some of my closest friends think that I'm crazy for even thinking about recovering my M.

 

I do not even have a choice in the matter. I made vows to God, my wife and myself. Just because my WAW does not take those vows seriously at this time, I have asked myself...what kind of husband, father and Spirital Leader would I be if I did not listen to God and do as he wants. I cannot simply walk away because I would be walking away from Him, my family, my wife, and most importantly ME.

 

I have faith that I am on the right path. I also have faith that when and IF God chooses to show me a different path, my heart will be healed and it will be pure BECAUSE I did and endured all that God asked of me. This is how I will AVOID becoming an angry, frustrated, mean spirited, X-God lover. I cannot ever allow hate in my life....EVER!

 

Each and every one of us are tested every day. This is a test of my life and I am doing all I can to PASS it.

 

Comments ?

[pelicanpreacher]

The wages of sin are pain and death. Though GOD hates the sin but not the sinner, you must realize that when you or a party to a vow made to GOD breaks the his covenant by sin consider the consequences of what occurred in the story of Adam and Eve when they broke their covenant to GOD. Your wife has sinned against your marriage by commiting adultery so GOD is repulsed and no longer blesses your union for it is has been corrupted and is now likened to moldy bread, rancid meat, and sour wine. (Care to invite GOD to dinner?) I'm always amused when someone seeks GOD's influence to restore a covenant broken by sin through the act of man's free will for it is soley man's free will at this point that seeks to sustain said covenant to the spite and contrary of GOD's own word and will. Walk now from here unto Hell with eyes wide open for no-one will lift a finger to stop you...

I promise!

 

Bub, you have a marriage in paper only for it's GOD is sanctioned strictly by the State. That said, unless you believe your wife would fare better than Eve in her "Eden's Indiscretion", you'd do better praying to your senator for GOD just will neither bless or endorse sin nor the fruits thereof under any circumstances! Lucky for you, you can still do whatever you want for you shall always retain your gift of free will.

Ain't GOD grand!

[padparadscha]

Wow, pelican preacher. I logged on to read all the advice given. Your words are very impressive.

[pelicanpreacher]

Just another sermon from the pier. LOL!

[TrustInYourself]

The wages of sin are pain and death. Though GOD hates the sin but not the sinner, you must realize that when you or a party to a vow made to GOD breaks the his covenant by sin consider the consequences of what occurred in the story of Adam and Eve when they broke their covenant to GOD. Your wife has sinned against your marriage by commiting adultery so GOD is repulsed and no longer blesses your union for it is has been corrupted and is now likened to moldy bread, rancid meat, and sour wine. (Care to invite GOD to dinner?) I'm always amused when someone seeks GOD's influence to restore a covenant broken by sin through the act of man's free will for it is soley man's free will at this point that seeks to sustain said covenant to the spite and contrary of GOD's own word and will. Walk now from here unto Hell with eyes wide open for no-one will lift a finger to stop you...

I promise!

 

Bub, you have a marriage in paper only for it's GOD is sanctioned strictly by the State. That said, unless you believe your wife would fare better than Eve in her "Eden's Indiscretion", you'd do better praying to your senator for GOD just will neither bless or endorse sin nor the fruits thereof under any circumstances! Lucky for you, you can still do whatever you want for you shall always retain your gift of free will.

Ain't GOD grand!

 

Hmm, that was kooky.

[pelicanpreacher]

Hmm, that was kooky.

 

Sometimes I feel like a nut...sometimes I don't!

[Dexter Morgan]

I know that this is hard for some to believe. This whole tradgey in our family concerning her A, is not about changing her. IT IS ABOUT CHANGING ME! Anyone who thinks they can change any person is misguided. People have to want to change.

 

How to help them change: In my situation all I can do is surrender the situation to God. By doing so, what I am finding is that I AM THE ONE who is changing. My passion towards my children and MY life has never been more clear to me. Sure, there are rough days, but as I gain strength and my children clearly see a strength in me that they have never seen before....THEY are changing. Maybe the word change should be replaced with the word "healing".

Unless you have a WS that feels no emotion at all...they can't help but see the change (healing) in you. I KNOW that my WAW sees and FEELS it.

 

So...again....for me, I am HEALING all the while LOVING...if I can do this so can others.... BECAUSE...my WAW and any other WS cannot help but ask themselves.....WHAT THE HECK HAVE I DONE AND WHAT THE HECK AM I MISSING!!........I have to live again in order to love again. My WAW will need to live and love again after this ends. I will be the one that has healed in order to SHOW her how to heal and love ME again.

 

Boy, has she ever done a number on you.