Divorced after 28 years - the pain is....

[BuccMan]

We had been married for 28 years with two beautiful children. Then we began to notice that our lives were drifting apart. We tried to get things to work - it didn't. We remembered when we were single and decided to divorce and be single but live together. It worked for about a year until she went to the family reunion in July. She returned and told me she wanted to move back to her hometown and be with her family for a few months. She had a uncle that was sick and her sister was having issues with her marriage. I believed her and gave her money to make the trip and live on for awhile. We had some good times before she left and talked about what we would do when she returned. She left with my blessing and support.

 

A week later.. I find out that at the family reunion she met an old friend and basically jumped in bed with him the first night. Sleep with him 4 times while she was there and then made plans to move back and live with him. That was 6 weeks ago.

The kids learned about it before I did, the are shocked and hurt. She left all of us for this guy. Except for the clothes and a few things she took, everything of hers is still at the house.

 

Man do I feel played.....I gave her money to move back and start living with this guy. Now she talks like I am the worst and he is the best.

I am a puddle of emotion, the pain is almost unbearable sometdays. Yesterday I had to leave work becuase my emotions were so bad I couldn't focus. I started talking with a counselor, it helps some. I tried no contact and it lasted 4 days.

 

Today, I found this forum and decided to spill my "guts" here. I keep asking myself why and feeling guilty for divorcing and so on. I can get her out of my mind...

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Maladjusted]

Man, I feel for you.

 

The best advice I can give you is to ignore whatever insults or complaints she tosses your way to justify what she did. You know that you were the man trying to work everything out and do everything you could to save your marriage.

 

She did this, not you. Don't let her bring you down to justify what she has done.

[BuccMan]

Maladjusted - thanks for the advice.

I did alot of reading on the site last night and got alot of good ideas.

My son/daughter called her last night and pretty much begged her to come back for them. She could get her own place and be close to them. She told them she was "happy" being there and that the guy was "just a friend". After the call, the kids were really upset and began calling her names. I tried to tell them not to do that but they are hurt and striking back. I am not sure I should try and stop them.

 

As for me: I have had my heart ripped out through my genitals and I am bleeding profusely. The hurt is so intense that somedays I want to strike back. I want to call and tell her what a *itch she is for hurting all of us the way she did, but I doubt it would make a difference.

 

Instead, I am making a goal of 21 days (initially) of no contact. In that time, I want to create new goals for the future, focus on improving myself and support my kids.

 

Any comments or ideas on how to stay strong would be greatly appreciated.

[Maladjusted]

I think you are already doing what it takes to stay strong. You are focused on your children and yourself, and that is what you should be doing.

 

The pain won't go away anytime soon, but you have to do what you can to mitigate that in a productive manner. Goal setting is a great thing to do, keep at it and stick to it.

[TrustInYourself]

You're enabling her behavior. She probably plays up your guilt because it's her method of control. Break the chains man. You are better than you think. You have worth. Stop playing by her rules and start playing by your own rules.

 

Happiness is not subject to who you are in love with. Happiness is a self defined perception of your own situation/life. Adjust your perception and focus on your life, your children, your happiness, rather than your STBXW.

 

28 years is a long time and it won't be easy. It sounds like what you are doing what you need to do. It sounds like you are taking the high road and that's fantastic. I wish you the best. Good luck, bro.

[BuccMan]

Here is a bandage for your genital bleeding. 28 years is a long time. YOu may need to wait it out and let your exwife return to you. You are going through the various stages of rejection. We support you a hundred percent.

 

umbo - thanks for the bandage, the bleeding is slowing. At this point I am not sure if I want her to come back. I hurts like hell to have her gone, but I have realized that the woman I loved and cherished is dead. All that is left is a cold hearted selfish person.

 

You're enabling her behavior. She probably plays up your guilt because it's her method of control. Break the chains man. You are better than you think. You have worth. Stop playing by her rules and start playing by your own rules.

 

Happiness is not subject to who you are in love with. Happiness is a self defined perception of your own situation/life. Adjust your perception and focus on your life, your children, your happiness, rather than your STBXW.

 

28 years is a long time and it won't be easy. It sounds like what you are doing what you need to do. It sounds like you are taking the high road and that's fantastic. I wish you the best. Good luck, bro.

 

TiY - You are so right. I am creating this perception and and I can kill it. Like I detailed for umbo, I am still in love with the person that loved me. That person no longer exists because she loves (or has feelings) for someone else. I think is what I am suffering from - the death of the person who loved me. The physical person is still there, but her love for me is dead.

 

She called last night just after I got home from work(5:30pm), then again this morning (6:45am) just before I left. I didn't answer each time. Both messages were for my son saying how she was out with boyfriend(last night) and was leaving his place this morning. **MAN THAT WAS HARD to listen to**. Thing is, she knows my son is usually not home before about 7pm and he gets up after 8am. Coincidence?

 

I'm on day 2 of 21..... It's been a hard day.

[TrustInYourself]

umbo - thanks for the bandage, the bleeding is slowing. At this point I am not sure if I want her to come back. I hurts like hell to have her gone, but I have realized that the woman I loved and cherished is dead. All that is left is a cold hearted selfish person.

 

 

 

TiY - You are so right. I am creating this perception and and I can kill it. Like I detailed for umbo, I am still in love with the person that loved me. That person no longer exists because she loves (or has feelings) for someone else. I think is what I am suffering from - the death of the person who loved me. The physical person is still there, but her love for me is dead.

 

She called last night just after I got home from work(5:30pm), then again this morning (6:45am) just before I left. I didn't answer each time. Both messages were for my son saying how she was out with boyfriend(last night) and was leaving his place this morning. **MAN THAT WAS HARD to listen to**. Thing is, she knows my son is usually not home before about 7pm and he gets up after 8am. Coincidence?

 

I'm on day 2 of 21..... It's been a hard day.

 

Pfft, it wasn't for your son. That was for you. You probably already realize this.

 

I feel for you and I've been in your shoes. It's hard. It gets better. Just keep taking that high road. You will look back, soon, and realize that you took this crisis head on and acted like a noble and true father. You are the modern day hero in this.

[BuccMan]

Pfft, it wasn't for your son. That was for you. You probably already realize this.

 

I feel for you and I've been in your shoes. It's hard. It gets better. Just keep taking that high road. You will look back, soon, and realize that you took this crisis head on and acted like a noble and true father. You are the modern day hero in this.

 

TIY - Thanks for all the support. I do realize the messages were really for me and it is hard.

Modern day hero - wow what an ego boost!!

[BuccMan]

So I got to 10 days of NC and she called. I hadn't heard from her so I picked up the phone without checking.

 

What a mess. She went into attack mode, I became defensive. I told her I still had feelings, she tells me she has none and wants to move on....blah..blah..blah...

 

I was doing good until I heard her voice. Thats the trigger for me - her voice. I can't talk with her again.

 

I'm back to day 1.

[imagine]

It's time you got hold of the book "Surviving an Affair". No jokes.

[pelicanpreacher]

Change your phone to an unpublished number and give your kids a cell phone they can share to maintain contact with their mother. Admonish the children that the home phone# is not to be given out to anyone, including their mother if she asks and that you've already informed her that the only communication you will accept from her is by registered mail while she's left the family.

 

I would also tally up the start-up money you provided to enable your wife's move and spend an equal amount on yourself and do likewise for each child. Then seek the counsel of every top attorney in your area and investigate the requirements in filing for abandonment. Any income derived from this point on must be insulated against the divorce action so convert all available new cash to precious stones or metal and stash it. From here on out your financial life walks between the raindrops!

[BuccMan]

Well today is day 13 of NC.

It's getting better with one exception, I am having very strong dreams of her with the boyfriend. It's not everynight, but last night it was a nightmare. It really got to me. Does anyone want to take a stab at if there is a way of coping with it? I doubt there is a way of stopping them.

 

Thanks for any insight.

[LaughMachine]

STBXW

 

Stupid bitch ex wife? haha

[lakerlover]

wow! 28 yrs is a long time, and with kids involved. Since the only info I have is from your post, it is very possible that she needed something from your relationship that she was not getting and that is why she ran off with this guy.

 

The best thing you can do is to avoid contact with her for a least a month, or until your emotional state becomes a little more stable. Right now you are a mess, and talking to her will make it worse, and one of you will probably end up saying things you regret later. You need to work on yourself for awhile. Join a gym, is always a good stress relief and good for you state of mind.

 

Once you have taken some time to re-group, you can use some psychological techniques you can use on her, but not until you pull yourself together.

 

There is alot I could tell you, however you are not emotionally ready. Feel free to post back to me. I feel your pain.

[BuccMan]

STBXW

 

Stupid bitch ex wife? haha

 

 

Yeah... I tell myself this one also.

[BuccMan]

wow! 28 yrs is a long time, and with kids involved. Since the only info I have is from your post, it is very possible that she needed something from your relationship that she was not getting and that is why she ran off with this guy.

 

The best thing you can do is to avoid contact with her for a least a month, or until your emotional state becomes a little more stable. Right now you are a mess, and talking to her will make it worse, and one of you will probably end up saying things you regret later. You need to work on yourself for awhile. Join a gym, is always a good stress relief and good for you state of mind.

 

Once you have taken some time to re-group, you can use some psychological techniques you can use on her, but not until you pull yourself together.

 

There is alot I could tell you, however you are not emotionally ready. Feel free to post back to me. I feel your pain.

 

Yes, 28 years was a longtime.

I am doing better and have been able to get myself back on a somewhat-normal life again, but these darn dreams are so vivid and real. I wake up in a sweat in the early morning (3 or 4am) and can't get back to sleep as now my mind is filled with thoughts of the ex.

 

I did a search on dreams here. From what I read it's my subconsious trying to make sense of what has happened. I wish they would stop, it just makes it harder to let go for me.

[crober05]

I'm going to give you her perspective because I am her and you are my husband (not literally but you both sound like us) She tricked you into a divorce because it was easy to do. She lied and manipulated you because she could. She stayed there as long as she did because she could and you were willing to accept her behavior. I don't know why either of you stayed in the situation other than it was easier for both of you. Throughout the 28 years there were probably a lot of good times and two kids who love both of you. With ever year that passed more property was accumulated and life long attachments to friends and extended family were made. You were desperate to keep things the same (at all costs) and she was desperate for change. She tried to tell you and you just kept ignoring it or you just didn't get it. She didn't want it to be like this. She would have rather lived happily ever after with you and the kids she just wasn't. I'm sorry this is so harsh because its not meant be. I can offer you another very important insight into how she might be thinking right now. She will keep you on a string as long as you allow it because she's scared she can't make it on her own. She doesn't want you back so stay as far away from her as you can. You are a crutch for her and she for you. Don't you want more than that? Don't you want someone to love you completely and not make you feel bad like you do right now? She probably was good in so many ways, just not at being your wife. If you take her back she will hurt you again. I really believe once you both move on a whole new and wonderful life can have a chance to evolve. She needs to learn how to be happy with herself and you need to learn to be happy without her. I've lived this life for 23 years. I hope I'm all wrong, but as soon as I read your post about how things went down I felt like I knew you both.