Considering Separation: I can no longer tolerate certain of my wife's attiitudes

[CompletelyLost]

Ok, this is going to be a bit long, but I know that to get good advice, I need to explain the whole situation.

 

I am considering asking for a separation from my wife. We have been married for 6 years, and lived together for 2 years prior to that. The reason I want to separate is because I can no longer tolerate certain of my wife's attiitudes. I have come to realize that my wife is a very controlling person, and for many reasons I let her control almost everything about our relationship for a long time. When I moved in with her, I was 19 and she was 24 (we are now 27 and 32). She finished her Ph. D. soon after that, and continued working at the university where we met. I finished a bachelor's degree 4 years later, and began working full time, while also going to school full time for a master's degree. During this whole time, I was perfectly content letting her control things, as I was so busy that I really didn't even notice. I finished my master's degree a year and a half ago, and in that time, have come to realize how controlling she is, and I have reached the point that I can no longer put up with it. She literally controls everything - from big issues like finances (we have two bank accounts - one is in her name, and the other is a joint account - all of our savings is in HER account) to little things like what we watch on TV. I have tried to explain to her that I am ready now to take more responsibility for myself, and that I want to build a relationship where we decide things together. She agrees, on the surface, but hasn't changed at all.

 

I have tried to explain to my wife how I feel, and I have even gone to counseling for the last 3 months to try to sort out how I was feeling. She refuses to go to counseling with me, saying that these are my issues to work out, not hers. When I ask her to try to change things, she tells me that she loves me and that she will try to change, but nothing really changes. She'll be considerate of me for a couple days, and then go back to her old ways. I have reached the point that I want a separation, but there are several things that complicate the issue -

 

First, my wife is 5 and a half months pregnant (we have no other children). Even though I cannot put up with my marriage as it is, I know that if I do ask for a separation, not only will I feel incredibly guilty because she is pregnant, many other people will view me as "the bad guy". I have wanted to be a father for a long time, and know that if we separate now and end up divorcing, I will not get to be a father to this baby. I feel that it would be unfair to both her and the baby to leave now, but would it be any less unfair if I were to stay despite my feelings, and end up raising a child in an unhappy household ?

 

Second, although I have not slept with her, I had a relationship with another woman that could only be described as an emotional affair. She has become a very close friend, and has had very insightful advice for me on many occasions (she is in a similar situation with her husband). Our relationship grew to include a lot of flirting, and about a month ago we had dinner together, and ended up kissing. We talked about it the next day, and we both apologized for our actions, and agreed that we should continue as friends, and not let our relationship go beyond that. The problem is that my wife knows that I kissed her, and (for which I do not blame her at all, she is perfectly justified) she refuses to believe that there is any way I could be 'only friends' with this woman. For the past 7 months, this woman has been my emotional safety net, and has given me advice that allowed me to stay in my marriage this long. Honestly, without her advice, I was at the point of leaving my wife 6 months ago. In the past month, I have had to keep any contact with this woman secret from my wife, which is very difficult, but I refuse to cut off contact with her. In the last month, we have been able to keep our relationship at the friendship level, and there has not been any flirting, or anything that exceeded the bounds of friendship. In fact, even though she lives in the same town, I have not even seen her in person in the last month, only through e-mail and instant messaging. The other day, though, she said something that I really don't know how to deal with - I was talking to her about trying to build up the nerve to tell my wife that I want a separation, and I said something to the effect of "I don't know if I am strong enough to go through with this" - her response was "I know you are strong enough, I think you can do this, especially if you have support from friends ... or someone to leave her for." She quickly changed the subject, and we haven't discussed that since then. I have told her more than once that if I do decide to leave my wife, it will be for no reason other than the fact that I have decided that the marriage cannot be salvaged. I know I need to ask her to explain exactly what she meant, but I am afraid that her answer will be that she meant exactly what she said. I desire to keep her as a friend, and right now I am not even thinking of a relationship with her beyond that, even if I were to be separated / divorced from my wife. I have told her this, and she agrees that we should not be more than friends. Still, there is her comment the other day, and I am somewhat confused as to exactly what she meant, or what she wants in our relationship.

 

Ok, this has been long winded but it is almost done. The answers I am trying to find, either through advice on this forum, counseling, or through introspection, are:

 

1) Do I really want to leave my wife, or am I going through some sort of "mid-life crisis" ? I have to be absolutely sure before I go through with this, because I know that once I ask for a separation there will be very little chance of reconciliation with my wife.

2) If I do ask for a separation, what can I do to keep it as amicable as possible ? I bear absolutely no ill will towards my wife, and I am going to feel really bad about leaving her, but she is vengeful enough that I really fear a very hostile divorce no matter what I do. There is the possibility that she will try to use my relationship with this other woman against me, both emotionally, and possibly legally if we can't reach a divorce settlement easily.

3) If I do go through with the separation, and this other woman indicates a desire to have a relationship with me, what do I do ? If I am separated, and she stays with her husband (which I really think she will), I know that I won't be any more than a friend to her. If she does end up divorced, however, then what ? I value her greatly as a friend and confidante, and admit that there is a possibility that there could be more. BUT, I know that rebound relationships almost never work, and would hate to lose her friendship because I tried to have more than friendship with her.

 

Thank you in advance for reading a really long post, and for any advice you might have to offer.

 

Completely Lost

[Leikela]

To be honest with you, that's something you need to see a counselor about. You don't know what road to take and a counselor will be able to help you find yourself and what you want. Do you love your wife? Or do you love the person you thought your wife was? It sounds to me like she is stubborn and unwilling to change. Find out if this is how you want to live the rest of your life and make your decision.

 

Hey, if you're unhappy with no resolution on the horizon then it's better you leave. Who cares what other people think? You do what you need to do. It won't be easy but in the long run you'll be glad you did. You can still be a part of your child's life. All you did was kiss that one woman once, so I hardly doubt that's ground for her using that against you in court.

 

Seriously, settle down and think long and hard about this. I think it's pretty clear what you're going to end up doing. Be strong and you can get through anything.

[CompletelyLost]

Thanks for your reply, you said several things that make a lot of sense.

 

I have been thinking about this issue lot, and have been getting counseling for a couple months now. I have decided that I do want a separation, most likely leading to a divorce, but I haven't been able to make myself go through with it yet.

 

As you said in your post, I have realized that I love the woman that I thought my wife was, not then woman that she is. Even though I have (in my opinion) clearly communicated to her the issues that I have, and I have made a sincere effort to do everything I can to help our relationship, she is still unwilling to change. In fact, she has told me that these issues are all mine to work out on my own, and that it is not up to her to change, it is up to me. I find this completely unacceptable, and have told her so, but she still says that is something I have to work through myself.

 

I have reached the point that I don't want to continue on as things are, but it is still difficult to end an 8 year long relationship, especially with a child on the way. I think that I can be strong enough to ignore what other people think of me, but I know that I will feel myself that I am the "bad guy" in the situation, even if what I do is necessary.

 

On the issue of the child, has anyone out there had a similar experience - getting divorced during the pregnancy ? I thought that in that situation, I would have very little ground to stand on for requesting joint custody, or possibly even visitation. I know that my wife will want me to have no involvement in the child's life if I leave now. Is there any possibility for me to stay involved in the child's life ?

 

Again, thanks in advance for any advice you have.

[Lurker]

You need to take some responsibility here. The situation with your wife did not happen without your involvement and agreement and she did not become pregnant alone. Sounds more as though you have found someone else and now need to justify your actions. Frankly it is pretty difficult to see how your wife's behavior can possibly justify your abandoning her and your yet-to-be-born child. The notion that kids are better off if their parents split is true only in truly horrible situations. I hear nothing in your situation that couldn't be solved with some maturity, commitment and consideration. Wasn't this what you vowed?

[CompletelyLost]

Originally posted by Lurker

The situation with your wife did not happen without your involvement and agreement and she did not become pregnant alone. Sounds more as though you have found someone else and now need to justify your actions.

 

You are absolutely correct, I was involved in reaching the situation that my marriage is in now. I was involved by not being involved. For a long time, I was perfectly comfortable letting my wife run the show, and my self-esteem was low enough that even if I disagreed, I didn't say anything. That has now changed, and I feel that I need to take control of my life, and that I need to be in a relationship where I am respected, and where we can make decisions together. I have expressed this to my wife; I have received counseling both to figure out exactly how I feel, and to help me learn how to communicate assertively with my wife without being confrontational. I know that the situation I am in now is a result of my actions as well as my wife's, and now I am taking responsibility for my actions, and doing everything I can to work to correct the situation.

 

My problem is that my wife is not doing anything to help our relationship. She says it is good I am in counseling, but has made it clear that she means it in the sense of "it's good because it will help you figure out what's wrong with you." She has not given me any credit for correcting problems in our relationship that are due to my actions. I really feel as if I am busting my @@@ in order to try to make things work, but she is content to just continue on as things have been.

 

In response to your second point, I have not, am not, and will not look for justification for my actions. I understand, and accept, that I did things that I should not have. I know that I have hurt my wife deeply, and I am truly remorseful for that. I have been in the same situation, when she had an affair several years ago, and I regret having made her to feel what I felt then. There is no justification for my actions, and I seek no forgiveness for them.

 

What I am looking for is sureness within myself that I am making the right decision. I honestly feel that there is no reason to continue this marriage, other than our child. Some days, that seems like enough, but other days I feel that it would be better for everyone involved to end this unhappy marriage and give both of us a chance to move on with our lives.

 

Well, I am sure that there is more that I need to say, but I am completely out of gas at this point. More later ...

 

Still Lost

[Velvet Eel]

There's a name for the kind of relationship you formed with this other woman: an Exit Affair. It's a powerful emotional (and sometimes physical) bond that helps you detach from your spouse. Maybe your marriage can't be renegotiated. Maybe your wife is stubborn and controlling. But your vision is also probably blurred from the warmth of this new relationship you built. I would suggest waiting to do anything until after your child is born. If fatherhood is important to you, why not put it ahead of your own desire for independence right now? You've already admitted to yourself that this marriage may not be right for you. You don't need to act on that knowledge right away.

 

And you should definitely give up the friendship with the other woman for the time being. If she really cares about you, she'll understand your need to concentrate on your home life for a while. Yes, you'll be lonely. But you have a child coming--an incredible source of joy and promise. And you'll need all your energy to stabilize things at home.