is this doomed? I cannot deal with my boyfriend going out for drinks without me

[tiredofworry]

I grew up in an alcoholic home. Both parents are currently in recovery, and have been for many years. I have gone to counseling and meetings and feel like I have tried to deal with my past. I have no problen going out with my boyfriend and friends and having a few drinks.

The problem is this: I cannot deal with my boyfriend going out for drinks without me or drinking more than a few "social" drinks. He does not seem to have a problem: his personality does not change, even when he drinks a good bit, he does not drink daily or even weekly, there are many times when we will have just one drink and that is fine with him, he does not drink when he is upset, etc.

Even though these things are true, I feel terrified that something bad is inevitably going to happen. It is so irrational, but even if he goes to happy hour for an hour after work, I am a mess. My therapist says that I either need to change myself and the way I feel about his drinking, or leave and find someone who chooses not to drink. I try to be calm, but I can't seem to find the tools to change. I don't think I want to give him up. Anyone with similar situation or insight would be a life saver.

[Clancy]

Your therapist may already have covered this subject with you but I'll say my piece anyway. I'm a child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself. What I think is going on with you is a control thing. Children of alcoholics often have problems that are associated with control: As youngsters we tried to please the drunken parent, tried to make peace, tried to relieve the tension.

 

All of that is an attempt to maintain a sense of control in a situation in which we had no control and in which almost anything could happen. Now you have a man you love and you don't mind if he drinks with you (where you can watch how much he drinks and know how much he drinks, and judge his behaviour) That's about control. You don't like it when he drinks when you are not there. He's out of your control.

 

I think the problems you have will likely take a long time to solve and work out. You sound like you really like your guy so I'd talk to him a lot about the problem and gain his support for how long it'll take for you to get over this. Perhaps years.

 

In the meantime practice giving up control. Even over unassociated things. This may sound odd but let people control you once in a while. Let someone butt in front of you at the bank line, for example. Just be sure you tell yourself "I'm letting this situation control me here. I'm going to let go and be controlled this time." Keep practicing things like that and practice letting your guy go and drink on his own too. Talk to yourself about how you feel and try to learn how to let go. (Of the control need, of the anxiety, etc.) Let's face it he's going to drink the way he wants if you drive him away anyway isn't he? I wish you luck.