Dominique Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 All right. About 60 of you have read my last thread, no responses. So let me pose my question more simply, straightforwardly, in the hope that one or some may answer. I need help, you see.... A man, mature and well educated, older than me by a decade and a half, whom I have known for around nine years, no romantic relationship together, but tremendous sexual attraction, intellectual compatibility, same political views, humour, style, values, "culture", interests..... We live on opposite coasts but I keep place on his side (family), his tone and manner are attentive to me, caring, thrilled at the prospect when I visit. He has had no lasting relationships and has had immense personal problems. We are hugely compatibile and understand each other. My confused question: Why are we not together, what holds him back, what is it. I would accept that he is "not so into me" were it not that he is--truly, and I to him-- on every level (so it seems so evident) Confused in California Dom Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Possibly he can't get his head around the age difference? OTHER people may not think 15 years is too big a gap, but the man in question may. Or, perhaps his "immense personal problems" are ongoing? How has HE expressed his "tremendous sexual attraction" -- perhaps he is feeling more 'fatherly' or 'mentorly' towards you? At the end of the day, if you really want to know what his truth is, you will have to ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Dom, It is very difficult to consider that when you feel such and attraction to someone that it is possible that they might not feel that "rightness" on the same level. So to me that is one possibility. Another is that he might not see a LDR as a fulfilling relationship. I agree with Ronni, there is only one way you are going to find out and that is to ask him. He has had no lasting relationships and has had immense personal problems. How do you feel about this? Do you believe that this would not be a problem for you if you were to be in a relationship with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dominique Posted October 1, 2008 Author Share Posted October 1, 2008 Thank you for your responses... To Ronni, I do not think and have never had the impression that the age difference is so big a deal. I am in my late thirties, he in his early fifties(and much younger looking), and we are both professors so the age just does not "show". I have never felt awkwardness from him, and it is not something I feel. As for tremendous sexual attraction, when we are together we make love, we make out, we flirt wonderfully, we admit to each other feelings of attraction (when not together). When I wrote, perhaps confusingly, that we had no "romantic relationship", what I meant is that we have not been in a day-to-day regular relationship. As for the long distance, it is one of those cases where it could be a relationship six months together, six apart, or for one or the other to make a move. In academia, things can be mobile... To IfWishes...Thank you too for your response. Yes, I know that what you highlight there is the proverbial "red flag", but because we have known each other for nine years--yes, on and off and we have been in other relationships during that time--the maturation of our relationship/friendship has been strong during that time. We grew increasingly more open with each other, and last year he was very forthcoming about his past (terrible family life), wrong choices (whether personal or professional) and I was flattered by his honesty. I thought that that could mean a notch up in our relationship. I remain rather in the dark. As for asking him....agh....I guess to "ask" is to have one's answer. DOM Link to post Share on other sites
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