To stay or not to stay?

[MerrieMer]

I've been with a guy who I really love for five years now. We got married nearly three years ago after some very rocky times. At the time we were living on oposite sides of the ocean and marriage seemed like our only option if we were going to continue giving it a go. I know I'm not perfect and I'm ashamed of how my emotions and actions have gotten away from me, but I also know that I am not entirely to blame. No one is perfect and I don't really want to leave him, but I'm beginning to worry that we're both just wasting time and that neither of us will be able to overcome the issues that make our life unstable. I feel like I've lost my perspective... I don't know if we're still in the range of normal, if we should stick it out, if my expectations are realistic, if I've gotten used to being treated badly... I honostly have lost my yard stick. I'll try and be as honost and objective as possible... I would appreciate it so much if I could get some objective opinions!

 

Here's the good things I do:

-I supported him while he was looking for work after he graduated.

-I moved overseas when he found a job there and learned a new language.

-I postponed my own grad school (it's still postpones) to be with him.

-I try to give him support in anyway that I can in regards to his job and personal problems.

-I do my best to make our life special and to make sure he knows how much I love him.

-I try to consider him when making decisions

- I've done my best to be a part of his family and have helped him forge a better relationship with both his parents

 

Here's the bad things I do:

- I get really upset when I feel like I'm not a priority for him/ am disrespected by him/ he doesn't care about me and explode (yell.. I slapped him once.. call like a crazy person when he's busy).

- I say really hurtful things when he withdraws and won't even listen to me.

- Basically I get psycho.. cry, talk about leaving.. I know.. it's immature and stupid and unhelpful and I've been doing it a lot less.

 

Here's the good things about him/ he does.

- he's smart, imaginative and creative

- he is very affectionate if/ when he's relaxed/ doesn't feel stress

- he's a non-violent person

- I think he loves me

- He brought my horse when we moved overseas

 

Here's the bad things he does

- In the beginning he broke up with me repeatedly

- He called off our wedding a few months before it was scheduled to take place

- He doesn't (ever) do nice or special things to let me know he loves me

- It's been a huge struggle to get him to help me with anything in our house, garden, or basically anything active

- He puts himself first and formost always. I get love, attention, help with the practical tasks in life etc after he feels like everything is perfect with his job, he's gotten enough sleep and everything he thinks is a priority is done.

- He gets very withdrawn when I try and approach him about practical issues and can be distant and cold.

- He gets sexually withdrawn for weeks at a time.

 

 

The thing is that I understand the foundation of these problems. They have a legitimate root. He has an anxiety/stress disorder that developed as a result of an incident in his childhood that affected the whole family for years. My question is, how long do you wait for a change to take place? He swears that he wants the life I want (active family and pets.. hiking, fixing up our home etc), that he adores me, that he's working on his own issues etc... but it somehow doesn't come out as actions. If it were just normal issues that couples have and it wasn't changing I would be gone. But I love him and it's a real problem that he needs and wants to fix with or without me.

 

Sometimes I think that I could deal with a set of problems.. but it feels like everything is a problem. I could deal with him not doing super special nice things if he helped on a daily basis and considered me when making decisions.. but I can't deal with both. We do have a lot of fun together if I can jostle him out of feeling stressed and don't put any pressue on him to help with anything. And he does help a little more now than he did 3 years ago.

 

I'm beginning to feel like I need to insure my own safety, continue my education, make myself emotionally independent of him. But I also feel trapped. Our financial situations isn't desperate, but we don't have spare cash for me to move home with my stuff and my pets.. and I don't have a home to move to.

 

Should I cut my losses or stick it out with this guy who I love?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I think you should continue your education and find a job. The more you feel trapped in the situation, the more you'll resent it. Get 'untrapped', then re-evaluate.

 

I gotta admit, though...hard to not love a guy who'll move your horse.

[OTgirl]

Well for starters, you should suggest marriage counseling for you two. Individual counseling may be a good idea for you to help manage your anger issues.

 

May I ask the reason he called off the wedding?

[malibustacydoll]

It strikes me as odd when you list all of the bad things about yourself and they still have to pertain to him. You make it seem that you act those ways because of him, and as a result it is his fault. All you really can do is work on your own faults. Have you talked to him about all of these issues? Communication is certainly key. Have a nice dinner and sit down and talk to him. If things don't start to change then you should go from there before you make a drastic decision. He may not even realize what he is doing to you.

[stupidgrl]

Give this thing a chance! You say "you love him, he is non-violent, smart, imaginative, creative, affectionate, he loves you, and he brought your horse overseas..."! These sound like really good things!

 

I have been married for twelve years, and your marriage is just beginning to grow. Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful thing, but it needs to be cultivated and it takes time and hard work to keep it alive.

 

If you love him, then stay. If he is not abusive to you, then stay.

 

I do hear the hurt in your voice about him not helping, not being romantic perhaps, etc. But when you say " I get love, attention, help with the practical tasks in life etc after he feels like everything is perfect with his job, he's gotten enough sleep and everything he thinks is a priority is done," that doesn't sound weird to me. I mean I think most humans are that way.

 

The problem is men tend to be wired such that the more nagging we wives do, the more they pull away. I learned this the hard way myself, and almost lost my precious husband. When I started trying to focus on improving my own faults instead of "fixing his", he actually noticed! He actually noticed and returned in kind. I think that he saw me as an example and wanted to do better also. This was amazing to me. I never thought he would lift a finger to do something without me yelling at him. But he did.

 

When I started paying attention to what was a priority for him, and helping him meet those needs, he did the same for me. Out of the blue he said we should start spending more time together (which is what I wanted forever), he started fixing things around the house that I used to nag him about all on his own, etc. It was hard for me at first. I am a very independent, passionate woman, and I thought that he should just read my mind or something, I don't know what my problem was. I wanted him to change, but I didn't want to change any of my own horrible problems like yelling at him (he's softspoken), hitting him, threatening to leave him, not doing any housework, not providing any meals, etc. When I look at back at who I was before, I can't believe he stood by me anyway.

 

The point is love your husband, respect him. If he isn't a psycho-abuser, he will return the favor and love and cherish you as well.

 

Best wishes!