How to Make Someone Trust You Again, after Cheating On Them.

[ACCCguy]

About 9 months ago I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend with her sister.

 

It all started on New Years Eve. I spent the night with my girlfriend, her sister and a handful of friends. We spent the evening by playing games and drinking. At some point that evening I was showing my girlfriends some pictures through the use of a digtal camera. Since she was tipsy she leaned on me and I sort of put my arms around to her hold herself and myself up a little bit. At first it wasn't awkward because we really weren't thinking. It clicked in on how close we were and we both sort stepped back, in a good way without embarassing one or the other. That was the first time we ever really noticed any attration between us.

 

That moment trigger a series of thoughts, it was the first time I had ever thought about my girlfriends sister in a "non-girlfriend sisters way". That night did not lead to anything but three months later it did.

 

Without getting into explict details, I we got drunk again and I cheated on my girlfriend, of 3 years I might add, with her sister. It was not sex but it was almost the next closest thing to it. After the incident, without the sister there, I confessed to my girlfriend. I do love her and I could NOT answer the of why did it. 9 months later and I still can't answer the question.

 

To make things clearer I have to explain my relationship with my girlfriend. Personality wise we are definately a perfect match. I know for a fact that if we did go our seperate ways neither of us would find a better match personality wise. I know have a bias opinion on this but you will just have to trust me that are perfect together.

 

Even though I say we are perfect for each other, like every relationship we have had our problems. The problems have been more from the stresses of life and school. We both are college students. We tended to take lifes stresses out on each other but at the same time we made each other feel better. We do love each other so we help each other deal with lifes stresses.

 

I loved my girlfriend before this happened. (I have no answer to the statement of, if you loved her then you woulnd't have done it) I love her even more now. When I confessed it was like stabbing her through the heart. Not only did she feel it but so did I. It killed me to see how much I hurt her. We took some time off and spent some time apart. A very short amount of time, because both of us wants to work though this.

 

I now know how much she means to me and unlike before I do not take anything she does for granted. I have realized what she means to me and how much I depend/need her. She makes me laugh, smile and truely happy when I'm with her. After everything has happened I am still truely happy when we are not together.

 

She has given me a second chance and we are trying to work this out. When I say I love you, it just doesn't cut it anymore. I said it before everything happened and now, how can she believe me after everything. I want our relationship to work so that is why I am seeking help in how to I show her that things have changed and that she can trust me.

 

We do not live together and we go to two different colleges. She will be graduating in a semester so we will/if things work out will hopefully/most likely get an apartment together. When we are together we are wonderful, but when we are apart she worries.

 

I love her enough where I don't want her to worry. I want to make things right but I do not know how. For the past 9 months I have been trying to do all the little things to make her worry less. I know I have cheated on her but I am still the same person she feel in love with, and same goes for her, I still love her.

 

How do I show her that she can trust me again and put meaning back into those three little words, I LOVE YOU!

[SmallnSad]

How does the sister feel about all this? Where does she come into the picture now? Do you still talk to the sister at all? Do you hang out with the guys a lot, go to strip clubs, do anything that might cause her to feel you'll lose control again and take advantage of an opportunity?

 

What do you mean by "worries?" What does she say?

[ACCCguy]

The sister can be kind of complicated. We don't hang out with her anymore. I used to spend a lot of time at my girlfriends house but since this has happened I only go over when she is not around.

 

Her sister confidence level has been higher than ever. My girfriend says even before this had happened that her sister always tried to prove that she was better. So my girlfriend does not doubt that she intentionlly tried to get me to do something, just so show that she didn't have a perfect relationship.

 

I know she used to be jealous (my girlfriends sister) that we had such a serious relationship. She always said that she wanted one but at the same time she would brag about how she is dating 3 or 4 guys at once. All the attention is going to her head and I did not help much.

 

She claims she that was a victom and that she had no part in it but it takes two to tango. Nothing sexually was forced, it was a mutal thing. After the act was done that night, I knew my mistake and I was quick to leave her. Personally I think I embarassed her by rushing out. I was upset at myself for what I did.

 

My girlfriend tends to trust me more about what happened because I have been brutally honest. Her sister didn't come out with the full truth right away. She has come out with more, but only when harped on about it.

 

I have never cheated on my girlfriend before this or even thought about it. We have had for the most part a long distance relationship. We were attending two different colleges and meet freshman year through a mutal friend. (Her best friend attended my school).

 

The distance helped our relationship because it grew on a different level. During the week we would spend hours on the phone talking, getting to know each other. The distance also hurt us because of trust issues.

 

I spent a year and a half at that school, the entire time with her. After that year and a half I transferred to a new school. The guys I hung out with slowly faded away and I spent my focus on her and friends from her school. We basically hung out with other couples.

 

I've never go to a strip club and out drinking with just the boys. We still go to different schools so on the weekends I spend my time with her.

 

The only way I make her worry now is that my eyes wonder. I don't even think about it, it just happens. If a hot girl walks by I look, but only look. Two seconds after the look that girl is forgotten about. I do it without thinking and I am trying catch myself so I can realize when I'm doing it.

 

Since I've done what I've done she thinks twice about when I'm looking. Before she never worried because she never had a reason to worry. I now have given her that reason.

 

I know I will never be forgiven and I belive that I shouldn't be forgiven. Ever since that has happened I have been trying to make up for that day.

[SmallnSad]

I'm worried about you guys. Does she put a lot of stress on you about that night? I understand that you think you should never be forgiven, but she did forgive you, otherwise you wouldn't still be together. But she hasn't forgotten, and I can't blame her for that. It would be great if you two could just forget about it, but unfortunately it happened. When you notice a hot girl, what does your gf say? Does she just get a sad look on her face and grow a little more distant, or get really, really mad?

 

As a guy, you probably won't always be able to stop yourself, try as you might. Try to explain that to her, and that you can't help it. Also that is means nothing, all humans admire beauty, and usually can't help but look at people who are dressing for attention. I'm sure she notices the hot girls too. My eye will always wander toward cleavage, I can't help it. It's like a car accident, I'm not interested in it, but I can't look away. It's probably the same with men too - you may be loathe to admit it, and may do it a little less blatantly, but I'm sure you size up stronger looking men on the street. Sizing up the competition. Try to be logical, but do not make her feel bad for feeling the way she does. Don't invalidate her concerns, listen to her and don't interrupt, but be calm, steady and just keep repeating your points. It will eventually sink in if you continue to be supportive and understand why she acts the way she does.

 

You've got a tough situation ahead of you. I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean, but geez, why'd you have to cheat on her with her sister? I mean, some random girl, at least you wouldn't have to deal with her ever again, but what if you want to spend the rest of your life with this girl? That sister is family, it's a constant reminder. I'm not surprised that your girlfriend is taking a long time to heal.

 

Good luck, and let me know how everything goes. I'd like to make sure it all comes out ok.